Getting there slowly....hugs along the way

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

A thread for those facing separation or divorce, whether by choice or your hand forced by spouses behaviour or actions.

We're all at different stages along the journey but need a virtual handhold in this friendly corner of mumsnet to help us along the way

Link to old thread in next post

@Frizzbeol welcome please break the cycle of sleeping with him when you know he's with her, very least for your own sexual health & your mental health too.

Met a friend yesterday he's nearly 2 years split up from his ex, she's seeing the same guy since, there was most likely an overlap, he's still hung up on her & if new guy was gone would be back in a flash with her. So sad to see.

P got tickets to see walking with dinosaurs, so I will have to keep my cool.
He is at work and will meet us there.

Frizzbeol, hope you are doing better today

Hope everyone's doing OK today. Really is one day at a time at this time of year. Too many triggers for memories, I'm ready for some normal routine again.
STBX has spent a couple of nights away. No idea where and haven't felt the need to ask. Slept about 9 hours last night.
He's now arrived back just before we're due to go to a family event (me & DS). Trying to ignore it so that I don't feel upset before I get there. Stbx decides now is a good time to tell me how sad he is and how he now realises what he's done. Says if he can do anything for me now it's too at least let me know how sad he is about what he's lost. Not sure how that's supposed to help me. More like it's to pull me back under. They are like little boys but then I have to remember I'm not his mother and he can't be forgiven just because he's sad once. I've been sad for months.

@Whatdyknow do you got to your family event.

Try not to engage. He wants his cake an ear it. Where is he been as he feels so sad!

What do you want? Is there ow?

I think there is ow in whatdys case eve.

I think he’s playing games, and he doesn’t care about how this hurting everyone. Like an ego boost that he can mean so much to people. Sorry to be blunt but I think you gotta ask yourself if you need a person who’s capable of that in your life. It must be so hard to hold things together in front of your ds and you’re managing really well.

It’s almost like they (the people who we once loved) just turn into something alien- with a completely different set of morals to what we think they’d had.

It’s really tough to say anything without being in your shoes but your situation sounds awful, emotionally. Hugs

Sorry just read my post back. It makes little sense.

Last few days of 2018. Ex went out for his birthday this time last year and didn't come home. Which was the pattern for the previous few months. 'Staying with friends'.

30th dec he stayed home and we cuddled and I remember thinking it would be the last time we would hold each other. He went out on 31st and didn't come home.

He was meant to have the children today but not heard from him. Guess he feels he did his bit by having dd 26th/27th and it was more important for him to spend the day drinking with his friends. good to know he will be ending the year as he started. By being useless

Hope the end of this year bring everyone some peace. Closure for those that have been here from the start. And 2019 brings us all happier days.

Hi crab & eve.
Just back from seeing my family with DS and we had a lovely time. Lots of fun on laughs and great to see DS giggling with my brother over silly games. Normally we'd have been home about 2 hours earlier as I'd have been worried that ex wasn't happy and wanted to leave. Never really thought about how little I relaxed with my own family when he was there.
He's still looking very sorry for himself and had already said his much he missed me. Sorry but he doesn't get to go away when & where he chooses and then drop back in as if things are OK.
Eve your ex sounds like he's such hard work and showing himself to be a complete waste of space. Hope you're managing to stay strong. No wonder your DS is finding things so tough. A no show still means that the stress of the build up and expectation are there. I'm sure it's just heir easy if still being in control. You can't plan, and DC have to be prepared for any outcome.
Hugs everyone.

Hi all

Long time no hear ! Welcome to the new posters. I must catch up.

Hugs to crab, eve, wintersnow and crumps. I will never forget the help you all gave me a year ago.

This time last year we’d just told the kids and ex had left. Although the initial novelty at being in the house without him isn’t really there anymore it still does feel a bit surreal and there are times it does feel a bit overwhelming. But not the sense of hopelessness it once was, which I guess is progress !

I am now officially divorced - got the letter a few weeks back (just before eldest’s birthday - timing quite appropriate seeing as it was around about then a year ago he told me he wanted to separate).

It felt weird but I’m keeping my name so really hasn’t made a difference. Ex sent me a long message that evening about how he was sorry the way he’d treat me, how he wished he’d been able to fix things and how he had nothing but happy memories of our time together. I felt rather unaffected by his message, I guess I’ve just put up a shield around me - I copied the message and have saved it somewhere as I’m hoping maybe in a year or two I can read it and appreciate the sentiment, but for now it just feels a bit patronising, especially how he continually slagged me and our marriage off in the last few months before he left.

Ex has reminded me of his complete lack of empathy to anyone in the last few weeks re Christmas arrangements. Sent some quite nasty messages to me and accused me of over complicating things (because I was finding it hard to tell my ex mil I wouldn’t be round on Christmas Day). Then a day later I got another message from him apologising and saying he’d been snapping at everyone at work all week and it wasn’t just me. Guess his new fulfilling life isn’t as perfect as he imagined ?! Although I try not to dwell on his life as it’s none of my business as long as the kids are ok.

But Christmas Day was actually lovely, I asked ex if he wanted to come round when they opened their presents but he declined saying he thought it would be awkward. So we had a nice morning then ex took them round his parents (I saw them separately with the kids on Christmas Eve so all good). In that time I got to take the dog for a nice walk which was lovely and relaxing. Then kids were back and the three of us had dinner which was lovely.

So all in all better than i was expecting, just nice and calm with no dramas and ex not here to be argumentative and drinking too much.

As far as new relationships go, I don’t feel anymore ready than I did a year ago. Have had a couple of clumsy passes made at me by colleagues who seemed to think i would be in desperation mode already but basically I just don’t feel like I’m missing anything by being single. Maybe that will change as the kids get older or if I suddenly meet someone who changes my opinion but can’t see it at the moment.

Take care and hugs to all

Hello everyone - also checking in post Christmas. Sorry I haven’t posted much but life has felt a bit overwhelming the last couple of months, but I’m going it will be new year, new start!

Also big hug to everyone and particularly crabs,Moo,eve and snow. Last year seems a long time ago and yet no time at all - I am still so grateful for all the support at that time. It really was what got me through.

December has been a bit odd, ex been around a lot with birthdays and Christmas. Had an apologetic message from him about everything. Am guessing maybe grass isn’t quite as green as he hoped. Am annoyed at myself as have let it affect me, it just felt easier having him around sometime. I hope in the new year found some more strength to move forwards and get some boundaries back in place.

DC are away with ex between Xmas and new year and I am finding it difficult - more so than the normal time without them. UTI have a nice week planned for when they are back.

Hope everyone is doing OK and find some positives to take into the new year. Although it is still hard at times it is helpful to look back and see how far we have all come in a year. Still challenging but at least not that complete and utter desolation of those first few months.

Moo and I love lovely to hear how you are doing and that the Christmas period went smoothly.

I'm sure the sentiment in both their messages was heartfelt. But I would of told ex where to stuff it. Although ex has treated me and the kids like crap all year. And stopped child support so that my cloud my judgement.

Hope 2019 is good to everyone.

I have taken down the decorations. And felt bit smug. Ex always made me wait until 12th night. It drove me mad. So we have de christmased for this year.

Hi @eve34 - I suspect it wasn’t heartfelt - well not in the way you or I would understand! More than he is feeling sorry for himself as maybe things aren’t going quite as he thought with his g/f ( as in I suspect the fact that no relationship is perfect is possibly dawning). It did make me a bit sad though as when we were together I often thought if only he would acknowledge x and y - and he did in the message. But all too late and in circumstances wheee it now didn’t mean what it would have.

I’d love to take the decorations down but in a moment of madness invited some of DSs friends parents and their DC to stay and sleepover on New Year’s Eve. Which I’m now regretting as am knackered from Xmas (did lunch for 9 by myself) and then have had various pet related dramas the last few days plus we are going away for a night and seeing lots of people on 2nd so quite full on. Was wondering if I could text and somehow discourage the sleepover bit. They all live near and doubt we wouldn’t be up until12 anyway. But that would be very bad wouldn’t it? I did it mainly to try and help eldest DS with friendships at school.

Well walking with dinosaurs was really good and the DCs really enjoyed it.
P was mostly ok.
Hope everyone is doing ok today.

Ilove maybe the parents won't stay anyway?

@Ilovecrumpets Sure you will have a good time. Hopefully you have a few days after the second to just be home.

We haven't done much. I have slept in until 8/9 which is unheard off. But good just for all of us just to be.

Working tomorrow. Then taking kids to see ex in laws on Thursday for few days. They are lovely lovely people. But know we won't always have this close relationship going forward. But the children are asking to go. And ex isnt taking them.

This whole thing still sucks big time. But hey. It's all for the best don't you know.

@CurvyInAllTheWrongPlaces - I’m kindly of hoping so ( although not leaving the DC here!). Glad to hear walking with dinosaurs was good - I’d been umming and having about that for my 2. Was it very scary?

@eve34 yes when we get back in the 3rd it’s just me and them until they go back on the 7th. I know ex is going to expect to bath and bed but I’m saying no as want some time just me and the Dc without having to see him. Need to reset the dynamic. I’ve found it really hard being without them since Boxing Day evening and knowing they are with exes family and the OW is with them. I’ve been invited out by a few friends but it feels too weird going along on my own when their DC ( my DSs friends) are there.

Just have an overwhelming urge to bunker down the 3 of us. Although that may evaporate quickly once they start squabbling!

Hope you have a lovely time at your in laws - it’s great you are helping your DC to maintain that relationship.

@Ilovecrumpets, well yes without the DCs!
My 8 year old was a little scared, but she is quite sensitive, it is quite loud though.

Hi everyone, this is the Opening post on the thread I started.
Hope it's ok that I put it here.
Any advice welcomed.

I have been with my partner for almost 15 years, we are not married. We have 2 children together and I have 2 from a previous relationship, dd1 is 21, ds1 is 17, ds2 is 13 and dd2 is 8.

Dd1 is at uni, so only comes home for holidays and ds1 spends most of his time at his girlfriends, so is hardly home. Neither of them like to be around too long because of him, and that makes me sad.

My partner has always been loud and swears quite a bit, but I have made excuses for him, he had a rough upbringing etc, etc. But he is 39 and should know how to behave!
I don't like to go out with him because he will get wound up by someone or something and express it and quite frankly I feel so embarrassed by him.

He has never been violent but does shout and swear at me when we row and to my shame I have thrown back the sweary insults. He also takes the mick out of me, like when he says something I said, but in a winey voice. I have asked him to stop, he does for a while, but then does it again.

Things will be good for a few months, we will both do the housework, even though I will still do most of it, but he gets the hump if I don't lavish him with praise that he folded up some washing, or put a wash on. (Don't get me wrong I do say thank you regularly, but no one thanks me continuously for feeding them or ironing their clothes.) We will laugh together like we used to and I will think, oh maybe everything will be fine

I think the thing that upsets me the most is that he has to compare everything that someone has achieved or said to himself, e.g. ds2 will tell him that he got to the next level on a computer game, partner will then say something like "well I did it quicker". Ds then looks deflated, and I point that out, later, and tell dp that he is an arse and everything isn't about him. This has happened many many times over the years with all of the dcs.

Today when he woke up and came downstairs I asked him not have the TV too loud as I had a bit of a headache and he mumbled something about he wasn't doing Christmas next year and has been sulking all day upstairs.
He doesn't really like Christmas, so I feel I have to put a huge front on.
Dd1 went to a friend's house as he just makes the atmosphere horrible.

I'm the one who sorts out all the bills, (he is useless with money), do the school run, sorts out childcare and all appointments for the dcs, we both work.

Our youngest has a medical condition that she needs to take tablets for and has regular hospital appointments, yet I have done every single appointment, even when he was off work.

I've come to realise that I'm just sad most of the time and I think be is only here because I can go out without taking the dcs everywhere with me.
I'm happier when I'm at work and have other adults to talk to and I find I'm sharing my success' with them more than dp.

I know there are relationships that are in worst shape, so thank you if you have managed to read this far.

Or maybe it's me that is defective?

So why is it so hard to call it a day?

I have decided to tell him to leave, but I need to have a few things in place first, but this will take a few months, so I have to pretend for a while.
But I know if something happens between then and it leads to an almighty row I will just tell him to go.
Thank you x

How they get to be such manipulative dicks!
Had a lovely night with my family. Ex all forlorn and telling me he loves me& is oh so sorry and wishes he could have his old life back. Had that all morning. Tried hard not to engage. He said he'd been so dad when staying at a friend's past two nights. Couldn't bear the thought of not seeing me for longer. Told him I didn't believe that's what he was doing. Eventually admitted was at friends but so was she. Said she can't to comfort him while so sad about me & DS!! Ffs!!! Then I found the Xmas presents he'd obviously got from her. God i hate him so much at the minute.
He's about to take DS out and I just know he'll be saying ' mum says you said....' To try and wind DS up and make him think he can't trust me to say things to.
He's done it before where he says im keeping things from him (ex) about DS so I tell him something and he then goes to DS asking about it. Probably not very clear what I mean but basically I forget not to tell him anything anymore. Absolutely nothing.

I know that the anger is supposed to be helpful but it's so much and combined with so much sadness and I just want the person who's been closest to me for more than 20 years to help me through it. But I can't even though he's just here and telling me he loves me.

@Whatdyknow it is a horrible conflict. The one who you have always had in your corner has caused all your pain.

Even a year down the line I would go back and change things if I could. I loved the man. And all we had. But it wasn't enough for him. He went looking for someone else to fill whatever void he had.

What we had was not enough. And we deserve to be held in a much higher regard.

Just take it Day by day. Lean on those around you and see your gp for support. Today is just one day. You have many happier days ahead of you.

Hi @eve34. Thanks for your reply.
So sorry it sounds like your situation is quite similar. I know you're right and we do definitely deserve better. I just wish the thought of trying to seek that something didn't seem so pointless after all this time together. I know it's far too early though and that will hopefully change.
It really doesn't help when they're just around the house still though. He's proclaiming his love whilst lying, first about then being together two nights ago, then about where they were together despite a train ticket and parking for her car showing me otherwise.
But still like you say, I'm having to fight myself from thinking we can get through it. And at the same time that I hate him for hurting me and DS so much.
Hope your NY goes by peacefully.

@Whatdyknow @eve34 is very right - it is so hard and painful but all you can do is keep going. The pain does lessen a bit, and you learn to live with it. And eventually I’m sure we will all emerge happier.

Having said that I’m having a bit of a low day today - I think because the kids have been away for quite a long time.

MOAN WARNING I just feel so very exhausted and tearful and looking ahead it seems so hard. I was thinking ( pathetically) how is just like someone to do something for me - I still have all the mental load from the kids, arranged all Xmas myself and whilst it was lovely having people round no one really helped with the meal, plus we now we have an au pair ( who is lovely) it means I also have to think and cook another meal each night, and even when the kids are at exes for a night I still have to cook for someone. Even Xmas presents for the kids from my mum and sister I had to get from the post office and then wrap.

Sorry I sound so miserable but it just feels relentless atm. I also feel so let down by my mum and sister. My parents never visited my family at Xmas because they didn’t want to leave my sister on her own with my niece ( who is 13). And yet my mum hasnt come and seen me more than once in a year ( because of looking after my niece) and quite happy for me to be alone, even without my kids.

Sorry to be so miserable - I think it is because it is NYE! Am going to slap my happy face on in a minute. I hope that by this time next year I am living life not just getting through.

Hi @greyfiddi

Sorry you're having a tough time. This 'festive' season really piles on the pressure to anyone who's not having the full on family fun time for whatever reason.
Here's to the happy faces we'll all be trying to carry off.

Thinking of a trail separation my choice because of how he's treated me over the whole of our relationship. I just want to be happy. He has an operation in 2 weeks which over complicates things. Thinking of having a week apart to see how things are. Don't know what he'll think of that though...

@Greydiddi and @Whatdyknow

Gather good people around you. I had good friends who just listened to me say the same thing a lot at the start.

I also have collected a few single mum friends who have enriched my life a little.

It is a very hard adjustment to make. Everything is family oriented.

And the time when the children aren't there is a big change

Another year. Five years or ten years from here life will be completely different. But right now it starts with one day. Some are easier than others. I know I will move on in time. I know I deserve better. I'm not ready. And I'm in no rush. But I know that even on my own I am in a better place.

It is a grieving process. I grieve for the love I thought I had. The family. And the future. I don't like the way it looks from here. But this is where we are at. And I will deal with it. Because I have no other options.

Hang in there ladies.

Can I join the merry band husband on holiday told us me and 2 kids that he was having an emotional breakdown!! 2 weeks later I found the ow. Online emotional affair, since then had to watch him in our house act like a fucking teenager in his first throws of love. Now the ow is coming to stay she is in America on Friday for 12 days and he will be away!! Oldest 19 now's dad had ow youngest 12 has no idea, he has not told that he is going away yet. I have know had enough keeps saying he will leave but hasn't yet!! And still no sign.
This is now my line in the sand, he needs to go, so I can grow and repair 24 years together and he still controls me