Getting there slowly....hugs along the way

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

A thread for those facing separation or divorce, whether by choice or your hand forced by spouses behaviour or actions.

We're all at different stages along the journey but need a virtual handhold in this friendly corner of mumsnet to help us along the way

Link to old thread in next post

Hi everyone

Hope everyone is doing ok today. I don’t post much atm but do pop in to read the thread.

@eve34 - so sorry to hear your ex is still behaving as he is. And the throat thing must be difficult - but other than your kids he isn’t your responsibility anymore. So don’t feel guilty! My ex tries this with minor things and it’s almost a relfex to feel for them ( because we are decent people!) but I’m fairly certain in the reverse they wouldn’t reciprocate!

I’ve been feeling quite low last month or so, so am going back to the GO to get referred to my psych again. I can feel my anxiety building as it has all just got too much. Jus feel so completely exhausted with how relentless life is. Have also found the lack of support from my family really hard to deal with recently - in a way more so than ex’s behaviour.

Have very weirdly this weekend also felt sorry for OW. She had booked a surprise weekend away for ex and the kids - and tbf when I looked on the link had clearly chosen a place that the kids would enjoy, lots of activities for them etc. Ex was for some reason annoyed at her and was moaning to me about it!! Apparently he just wanted to get on with his work?!?

I was admittedly a bit irritated at first as the kids were meant to be doing stuff that was organised with their classmates. But even so. I was kind of god smacked he in any way thought it appropriate to complain to me(!). And as I said I then found myself feeling sorry for her. Genuinely. It was a weird moment. Also though made me realise it is the family unit I miss now and most definitley not him. I’d had a bit of a wobble over Christmas ( he has also started sending me these text message about missing us and ‘caring’) but really feel I have moved on in some way recently. It’s as if I have now completely accepted the end of my marriage. I still feel sad and daunted and scared about sorting the practicalities but in a different way.

Hi all

Sorry for not posting much lately.

Eve - sorry about your ex’s behaviour and all the grief that must cause. He really is a piece of work.

Crumps - I know how you feel, I think I’m in the same place too as I’ve found things quite overwhelming lately but I know I will get there - I am very lucky that my parents have been a great help (both practical and emotional). Just take what support you can get for your anxiety as it is understandable in the circumstances that you may need some medication or more counselling etc.

It’s strange as my ex has been dropping health hints too. He has mentioned on more than one occasion of not being able to give lifts to ds2 due to being “ill and shattered” and went on about how much work he has on and how he’s struggling. I just didn’t mention it in my reply - but I genuinely think he expects me to say “sorry about that” or “hope you’re ok” etc

He also gave me a strong reminder of his petty nature last week. He was messaging about not being able to give ds2 the lift and asking me to do it (bearing in mind this is something he started doing together with ds2 in order to spend more time together but due to him being ill/tired/busy he has dropped out but ds2 still wants to go).

I made the point to him that I’m already rushed off my feet and would have to see if I could do it. He gave a sarky reply along the lines of saying I’m refusing to give ds2 a lift because I’m giving ds1 a lift and how that’s not fair as ds2 doesn’t ask for much.

I replied saying that he was wrong in what he was saying but congratulated him on attempting to emotionally blackmail me which I told him was incredulous due to me doing 95% of the daily tasks for both kids. I told him that him suggesting I was prioritising one child over another was insulting.

He then apologised and said it was childish of him, that he was bored and was trying to wind me up. Bearing in mind this was around 11pm on a Saturday night.

I was speechless, why would he even consider doing that ? But then part of me thought if his new relationship was so perfect then why would he be bored on a Saturday night ??

I didn’t acknowledge the message. And that too, made me actually feel sorry for his new gf because it proves he hasn’t changed at all and is still the petty, childish man he has been for years. But apparently he was like that because he was unhappy in our marriage.

Sometimes these reminders are what we need to make us realise we are so much better off.

Hugs all xx

Evening all.

Lovely hear from @Moocow72 and @Ilovecrumpets

Sorry to hear that you both have struggles. I think it is just how it will be always some sort of issues.

Moo. Your ex is just on another planet. Well done on standing up to him and consequently making him reflect on his message.

I love. Hope you can quickly get some support. I'm sorry you have been feeling low. Funny how your ex is upset his new found single life and fun has been upset by ow including the children in the plans.

We know deep down these men won't ever change. But like us the ow will over look their bad behaviour because they are loved up.

Funny how they are attempting to reach out to us. I guess old habits die hard and they want us to be sympathetic and supportive. I don't know what they are thinking. I thought long and hard about ex situation. And if it was me. I would not of spoken To him about my health until it was affecting the children. But maybe as I'm the injured party I feel differently about how the relationship should be like between ex and I. He clearly at the beginning wanted to be friends and I know he found it very hard that I was so hurt/upset by the situation and couldn't or did t want to be his friend.

Maybe I need to be less hostile? I just want nothing to do with him at all. And maybe I need to reflect on that.

Hi @eve34

I think you’re handling things fantastically. Plus in your situation as there are real safeguarding issues with regards to your exes behaviour then I think you really have no choice but to refuse to engage with him regarding his health.

It’s funny I was thinking the same thing that you said about you wouldn’t mention things to him unless they impacted on the kids - I have obviously had things going on at times over the last year - being ill, a lot on at work and also at the moment I have a good friend/colleague who is seriously ill in hospital and has been on life support. I wouldn’t dream of mentioning any of those to my ex specifically because to be honest they’re none of his business. He couldn’t wait to make me his ex-wife so I fail to see why I should share any more than I have to with him. And I haven’t - I’ve just told him I have things on or I’m not available rather than explain why.

I know ex loves attention, that’s why he winds me up (and other people) as that gives him the reaction he craves. Although to be honest I’ve appreciated more in the last year how much of a nobhead that makes him. I always used to defend his behaviour before and make excuses. Bottom line is he behaves like a child at times, his arguments contain points that are futile and irrelevant. He has always been able to wind me up, and to be honest in a way he clearly still does but the difference is now that I don’t have to put up with it. I can ignore the messages. Unlike before where I was trapped in the room/house/bed with him and had to listen to the awful things he would say sometimes.

Just to repeat myself Eve, I think you’ve done so well. Your kids are very lucky to have such a caring mother. Hang in there, you are worth 10 of your ex.

xx

@Moocow72 thank you for
Your kind words. It means a lot. I have always tried to be the'better person' and feel strongly ex's behaviour is a reflection on him. And I can only make the choice to how I react.

I also know my mother although played the perfect role as separated parents. Can't stand my dad. And I wouldn't want that for the children. Weddings and grandchildren etc should not be cause for worry and tension.

I just want him to leave me alone. I am happy to be polite and civil. But he has behaved so badly. If we didn't have the children I would have nothing to do with him.

I'm just sad that it has come to this. And I don't know if that will ever leave me.

@eve34 I agree with Moo - you are doing fantastically well to even continue to be civil with your ex. He lost any right to have an expectation of you supporting or being interested in him when he left - and particularly given how he has behaved afterwards. I think there is no right or wrong way to feel towards an ex - although long term for yourself I too hope that you get to a place where you feel nothing for him. Take care you are having to deal with so much.

@Moocow72 lovely to hear from you on the thread, but sorry you are also finding things difficult. It’s great you called your ex out though. My ex this week sent me an email with his work trips for next week informing me how he couldn’t do his drop off day or bedtime day. I think he actually thought he was being ‘good’ doing this - but behind it is of course the complete assumption that I will just cover. No thought even that I wouldn’t.

His thing about the weekend away was interesting in that he was genuinely annoyed that his g/f had booked something when he wanted to work in the evenings. I understand she had done it as he couldnt have the kids at half term. It’s exactky how he used to react to me - his work/wants always must come first. When he did it to me I really used to question myself - seeing him speak like that about someone else was really eye opening in seeing him and his behaviour exactly how it is. So unbelievably self centred. Particularly given his g/f has let him move in with her and altered her flat for the kids! Presumably he used to speak about me like that to her.

Have had to have a few days off work as had reached the point I felt I couldn’t cope. Am now dreading going back in - I see the GP Tuesday so thinking of staying off until then. It’s silly as I’d never judge anyone else but I still find having mental health difficulties so embarrassing - even though my boss will be lovely the thought of having to see him just makes me feel ashamed in some way. Also like I am making things up. But I really had reached the point where I could feel I was about to crash very badly.

Anyway onwards and upwards

@Ilovecrumpets Thank you for the kind words.

Be kind to yourself and take the time you need. No one is judging you. And you need to do all you can to get through this. I do wonder if these ow feel like they 'won' now. And without the biological children together is the commitment there?

Well dd is home. Yet again I did the collecting as he still has no car. I could be petty but it isnt worth it. Im just angry again. And I know it's because he might be ill. And that impacts on the children and I. I just want things to settle. The money to be sorted and a good routine for the children. I know
I am being selfish. I don't wish this on ex either. I just feel like more walls to climb. I want to be able to move on as well.

I do know what you mean @eve34 as feeling like it is never ending hurdles. The other evening ( far more minor) one of the kittens ended up at the emergency vets very ill ( luckily pulled through) and I just felt like can’t life just give me a break. I have to push things forward this year. My biggest thing is leaving the house - I can’t afford to buy ex out but it is really depressing what I can’t afford in this area. And that will be more change for the kids. Ex isn’t pushing for me to leave but I don’t see how I can move on whilst here.

Ex brought the kids back late not having had any tea. Feel less sorry for the g/f as it turned out the weekend was to see her family. I don’t know why but I just really hate it when the kids hang out with her family - her brother and his kids and her dad and step mum. It’s irrational but it’s the thing that really really gets to me. So I did act pissed off with ex tonight - which then annoys me as I’m aiming for cool and detached.

@Ilovecrumpets potentially if ex gets the worst news I will have to let the house go too. Without his contribution I can not afford this on my own. Although as difficult as that would be part of me would be happy to move on and put the past right behind me. Although I am not faced it's that choice just yet. I'm sure once you start looking at places and can imagine yourself living there it will hopefully fall into place.

I too hate the fact they play happy families with the children and ow family. Just feels like I have been completely rubbed out. I do wonder what ow family must think of ex. 12 years older. Two kids. No security. No car. And moved in with ow 12 weeks after 'meeting'. Although not my concern of course.

But I hope that there is some one else in my life further down the line and ex will have to have the feelings I have gone through. Although I guess that is back to me being petty again.

Just have to keep moving forward.

Glad to hear the kitten it ok.

Hope it turns out to be something minor with your ex @eve34 for your sake xx

Evening everyone

Had a slightly weird evening tonight. Noticed ex must have left a bag of stuff ( old cards and things) in the spare room ( not seen it before so I think it must have been when he left at Xmas). Anyway took a look - and found he had taken a load of cards to the kids from my parents?!?. Then saw there was a card in there from OW ( who he always denied was an OW), basically from the time we were splitting up, saying how much she was looking forward to the next year together and how much she loves him etc.

Wasn’t nice to find it - even after a year. Good reminder though as well as to who he is and what he did.

@eve34 hope things are ok with you

Wow @Ilovecrumpets That was very insensitive of him. Guess for them the hurt has long gone. And they don't think their actions can cause any upset. Has he taken all his stuff now? I took great pleasure in gathering up everything that was ex and filling the airing cupboard. There are a few boxes in the attic I need to sort through when I feel up to it that is all that is left

So Wednesday morning I woke up to a text sent at 4am. Just said 'about?' Then another one 15 mins later. Just a '?' It was sent from ex gf phone. He used her phone a few times in the past when his was cut off. I didn't reply because if he deleted the message I would of looked odd sending a text. And if it was from her I don't want to cause her any aggro. I know he would go mad if we were communicating.

Anyway I text his mum. As we have good relationship. Said what had happened and I was concerned. Apparently bloods were ok. But was having scan today ( Wednesday). She phoned me last night. He had camera down nose. Reports everything looks normal. But will be doing a biopsy.

Ex hasn't been in touch with me. And to be honest I'm just angry that he has brought this to me. Although I'm sure he felt it was the right thing to do. I think it is an attempt to gain sympathy and to get my defensives down.

So hopefully looking like nothing serious. But has spurred me on to becoming financially independent from him.

Glad it wasn’t anything serious in the end @eve34. I agree the the seeking sympathy ( it’s as if they don’t want you but still want your attention!). My ex has done a similar thing starting to go on about his parents’ graves - having literally not bothered once in the 18 years we were together. Now keeps mentioning it i this solemn ‘ poor me’ tone.

In a strange way I’ve found finding the card quite helpful. Something about seeing physical proof of the affair, and remembering how I was at that point and how he was still lying to me. I do feel
I’m starting to move into a new phase - where I now completely accept it is over ( emotionally and logically) and can start to see how although horrible it may one day be better than that relationship.

I’m also going to try and push forward with actually divorcing. Think I may try to stay in the house for another 2 years ( I already fully pay for mortgage and upkeep now) as then can move with eldest secondary in mind. If ex doesn’t agree will then just push forward with moving once things are finalised.

My mum was mean to be coming down for some of next week. Just texted to say my niece (12) is unwell so she is having to look after her for my sister and now might not come down if she gets the bug. Don’t know why I’m surprised but sad for the kids.

I miss my dad a bit atm. He wasn’t an easy man but he would of helped me during this period. He didn’t want to see ex before he died ( having really acted as a bit of a father figure to ex during our relationship). My mum persuaded him to ( ex only bothered to see him once). I think I’m retrospect he knew about the affair.

Evening all. Hope everyone is ok. And has something to look forward to for half term week.

@Ilovecrumpets did your mother manage to come and visit? I'm sorry she felt it easier to drop your plans instead of your sister stepping up and having her children.

All quiet here still. Not a word from ex. We have had. Nice weekend and have plans for most days over half term. I use to get the kids to all sorts of places. So good to have plans. But still don't have the energy I use too. Guess I'm getting older.

Feeling a bit flat tonight. Fed up of doing it all on my own. But on the plus side I can go to bed nice and early and get the bed to myself. I can't imagine sharing my bed again.

Hi @eve34.
Sorry to hear you're feeling flat. Hope you've had a better couple of days since. Pleased it sound like things are OK for ex so one less thing for you to contend with.
Enjoy the rest of the week and just do what you feel up to. Quiet days are good too and sometimes what are needed.

Stbx is now feeling even more sorry for himself since finding a flat. He's not gone yet, not made any move towards preparing and won't talk about it.

I've been away for a few nights and he was so sad on the phone. Pleased I didn't fall for it too much as he went off to Ow the day I got back. Then came back & said he wanted to end it with her. Hadn't realised how much he loved me but that he can't finish things with her as he'd be too sad so wouldn't be able to try & work hard to show me how much he loves me.

Thing is, when I was away I was fine. It was easier not having to worry about whether he liked the place or where he'd be happy to eat, or feeling like I had to stay up later than I wanted.

@Whatdyknow I'm sorry he is still causing so much upset. He seems to want his cake and eat it. I can't imagine how you feel. I know the first six months of my ex coming and going I just wanted him to see how we could put things right.

But I had to draw a line. And he hated the fact that I stopped playing the game. I completely stopped engaging with him over anything other than money/house/kids. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I loved him and wanted it to work out.

I hope that he can sort himself out. And I'm sorry you are in this position.

Thanks for the reply @eve34.

He decided today that he wanted to talk but all that's happened is he's told me how very sorry he is, how he misses me so much and can't bear the thought of leaving followed by seeming to find it important to tell me how much she loves him and he can't risk missing this chance at his ideal partner. Ffs. How many times do I have to hear this. This is asking with admitting he's but being honest with her either.
Then says he's out tomorrow night. When I tell him not to come back he just looked hurt and offended. Until I pushed him to admit he's out with OW. How can he even think it's OK to come home after that.
And he still won't even consider packing anything. Seems to think he just needs to pack a bag when he moves out.
How do you get through to someone like this?? & I've started to wonder if he was always like this & lying to me for years about everything.

@Whatdyknow wow he has got some nerve. I do know how hard this situation is. I knew deep down ex was seeing someone else I just hoped he would see that everything we had was worth more. I wanted us to work it out and the family to stay together.

I do think it is time to get tough. Do you have a spare room? Can you either move In to spare room or in with the children? Or shift him and his belongings in to the room. Start gathering his things from around the house. And get it packed up in one place. I found this very satisfying. Kept adding to his pile. Buy yourself some new bedding. Take pictures down. And tell him you are putting in a claim as a single person. Look at benefits etc. Get some legal advice and look for Information on being legally separated. You don't need to follow through but be armed with the Information.

Get armed with all the facts. Tell him as of the first of March you are claiming as a single person and he needs to not be in the house.

I'm sorry he is behaving very badly.

Hi @eve34.
He hasn't been in the bedroom for months and I did a good reshuffle of the furniture in there early on in this situation but you're right, I should get my claim up & running now. I've already checked it out but not completed the application.

I've told him he needs to get packing. That he doesn't need to take absolutely everything straightway but that he is not moving for some fun time. We will be separating and therefore separating our finances and possessions.

He just can't seem to grasp it. I've told him his actions have consequences. He's even said that he's had to look for a flat because I've made him. Completely missing the point that I've made him because he's shagging someone else (tho he tells me they haven't had sex....yeah right).

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Hope you're doing better as the week's gone on.

@Whatdyknow I would start packing his belongings up for him. And if he says you are making him move. Ask him if you were dating another man would he be happy for you to remain in the relationship. I do know how clever they can be at arguing. It isn't acceptable.

I would also suggest maybe he would be happy for you guys to sit and chat this through with 'x'. And see if they can suggest away to move things forward as he seems to feel this is ok.

@Whatdyknow how's things. X

Hi @eve34.
Thanks for asking. I'm just so sick of the whole thing. Yet again he's been sobbing that he can't bear the thought of leaving me and can't believe what he's done. & this is after spending the night with ow as recently as Friday plus the whole day on Monday after being so sad & missing me while I was away.
Asked why I seem so angry with him. I asked why he hasn't started packing & he said he didn't need to take much..... Seriously! He's not going on holiday.

Then he even said he's misunderstood & thought he just needed to go to clear his head. Early on we'd talked about him finding somewhere for a couple of weeks in a neutral place but this is a long term lease in the place she lives. Not to mention how much he's cheated on me since then.
So it looks like I am going to be doing the packing for him like you said. Don't know why I'm surprised. He hasn't taken responsibility for anything else.

Oh & he's just told me he loves me (again) & that even though he's told her the same thing he didn't mean it. Just what I needed to hear while I was cooking tea fur me& DS.

So basically he's treating her like shit too and all the while feeling sorry for himself like it's being inflicted on him.

How's your half term been? Hope it improved & you managed to do some nice things.

@Whatdyknow he is behaving so very badly. There is no grey area. Her or you. He can't have both. He must see that isn't acceptable. God knows what is going on in his head. Would he go to relate with you? Or speak with someone impartial?

We has really lovely half term. Usual swimming. Bowling cinema and eating far to much. And spent too much. But feel like I'm getting back on my feet. After such a difficult year.

Got woken to the bailiffs this morning looking for ex. He has let another £20 parking ticket get to nearly £500. So had to call him first thing so it could be paid. I didn't even get a sorry. But feeling more meh about it. He told me he had the hospital again tomorrow. Also feeling meh about that too. I don't much care. Although do hope it isn't serious. I don't want to know otherwise.

I do hope the hurt passes. I would like to be on better terms with him further down the line for the children's sake. I can't imagine being 'friends' after all that has happened though. But still just want to punch him in the face.