Getting there slowly....hugs along the way

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

A thread for those facing separation or divorce, whether by choice or your hand forced by spouses behaviour or actions.

We're all at different stages along the journey but need a virtual handhold in this friendly corner of mumsnet to help us along the way

Link to old thread in next post

Hi all - sorry that earlier post was actually me with a name change fail. Doh. Technology not my strong point.

Hope everyone has a lovely evening.

Can I join? Have been on other threads before - and conscious I haven't 'got' anywhere... We're still together but I'm still not happy.

DH has had anger/EA issues which have come up regularly over the years - so not all the time but lin phases and each time I'd pick myself up again, just a bit more 'separate' from him than before.

End of last year was the worst period yet,...finally got him to go to counselling. He's spent most of the sessions rejecting what I've said, telling me things didn't happen or saying I'm not perfect either. Then a couple of months ago - suddenly he admitted he had been more at fault, said what I'd been wanting him to...
Hallelujah, right?? Initially I felt elated, but now I think I'm angrier than before.

He has been fine on a day to day basis since then. The DCs are happier (though still on alert if he seems to be in a bad mood).

He talks about plans for next year... but his recent transformation hasn't changed how I feel. I can't get past the way he treated me for so long.

Has anyone tried temporarily separating - but staying in the same house? I don't know if it would work, just don't know what to do.

Hi all

I need to catch up with some new posters but just wanted to check in to say I hope that everyone manages to enjoy a good NYE.

To the new posters - only advice I can offer is to get as much time and space as you can. By the sounds of some of your dh’s they are being very cruel and the only way to see things clearly is to get some space between you. It’s amazing how clear things can be without them emotionally suffocating you at every turn.

I sit here now, just like I did a year ago today and there are times I feel like I haven’t progressed in all that time but I know that isn’t true. To still be here, functioning, keeping a job down and being a mother to the kids despite everything that’s been thrown at me. I am proud of myself for that. And I now realise it’s ok to appreciate myself, rather than just feel guilty about my failings.

I have learned a lot about myself in the last year (some good, some bad) but I know that I am better off spending the rest of my life single then I would be in a marriage with someone who didn’t give me the respect and care and consideration that I deserve.

To all of you who are recently separated or are considering it or are in uncomfortable situations - please look after yourselves and take each day at a time. It may seem hopeless but it never is.

To those of you who are at a similar stage to me - give yourself a huge pat on the back and toast yourself at midnight. We’re still here, it hurts at times but think of the things that make you happy. We may feel we’ve lost something but I guarantee we’ve gained much more.

One thing that seems to be common between all our ex’s is the selfishness. It’s all about them, and we have to deal with the fallout from their decisions. But that doesn’t matter does it because they need to live their own life and be happy ?! Clearly marrying someone and starting a family doesn’t change the fact they’re number one. But I know we are better people and in their future relationships their selfishness will soon surface again.

Hugs all - look after yourselves xx

Hi @Moocow72 - happy new year to you too!

You are right sometimes it feels like I haven’t moved forward at all - I’m finding hosting tonight on my own really hard for some reason. But when I look back I too think I have learnt so much and also grown and yes just got through it.

It definitely feels like new year will be the next phase perhaps - still difficult but hopefully moving forwards.

Hope everyone manages this evening and even enjoys it. We will all get through this and I think we should take comfort from the fact that we are less selfish and actually more caring people than our exes.

Can I just say thanks to everyone on this thread for your support. It makes such a difference being able to share what feels like such madness with people who understand.
Wishing everyone a vastly improved 2019.

Hi everyone
I’m new to this so here goes...
wanted to vent.. in July after finding messages on my husbands Facebook from a woman he works with (a lot of them laughing about me) he walked out of our marriage. I had confronted him about these messages but instead of actually telling me what was going on he blamed me for the end of our marriage... and listed literally 100s of reasons why I was at fault. Together 12 years and married for 5. And now we don’t even speak ir see each other. We were due to go on holiday at the beginning of August but he went by himself. He officially confirmed we were over in the phone to Gatwick airport (later he said that I had pushed him for an answer.. and he had been planning on talking to me about it when he got back from OUR holiday). The last 5 months have been awful. I went away with friends on a hen do mid August for three days. When I got back he had moved his stuff out ( he has a key as does his bloody mother).. I really struggled at the start.. and because I’m a teacher I had 6 weeks off work summer holidays dealing with this all by myself. Literally the longest six weeks of my life. I was glad to get back to work. Since then he’s been pushing to sort stuff out.. although this last month it’s gone quiet. I’m still in our house and quite prepared to by him out.. he went to his parents for three months and now lives in a rented flat living his best life. About to start mediation.. he’s such a massive d*ck though that he thought mediation was divorce and that a couple of meetings and I’d be out of his life. He has totally cut me out of his life, as has his family. We lived with them for a year 8 years ago when we were saving to buy our house. My own family don’t live where I live.. I moved there to start a life with him and although I have my job which I love and some good friends I feel so lonely.
I’ve reallt struggled mentally. I blame myself... I hate myself and feel worthless. I’m 35 and we never had kids.. I was always unsure until recently and then he left so I feel that I don’t even have a future as a mum now.
Will this get any better? After 5 months it still occupies my every thought and I’m awake at night thinking things over again and again. I’ve never felt more shit in my life :(

There’s more I can say as well but I think I’ve probably said enough for now!

Hi @aimeefrank

Sorry you find yourself here but hopefully we can help.

First of all, it’s still very early days for you so don’t feel you should be coping better than you are. Everyone is different and every situation is different.

Having kids involved is bad obviously because they are innocent parties, but sometimes they are the distraction that actually helps you cope - in my case I worried more about them in the first few months than i did myself. I actually think i would have struggled much more accepting the situation if we hadn’t had kids.

Distractions are the key - can you take up a hobby, perhaps get a pet if that’s suitable - or even just find a box set to watch. You need things that will help take your mind off the situation (even temporarily).

Acceptance is also important - I was in denial for a while but once I’d accepted the situation and that ex was leaving, it helped me focus on my life in the future. Even though a year on I still find it hard from time to time, nothing was as bad as those first few months.

You will get there, look after yourself physically and mentally. Treat yourself too, I always swear by some nice food, or would treat myself to a nice shower gel or candle. Just something to recognise that I’m doing better than i think i am.

Also try not and look too far ahead, deal with each day at a time.

One big thing that helped me in the initial few months was doing things in the house. Rearranging furniture, replacing things that ex liked that I didn’t. Re-painting some rooms the way i wanted them. All distractions and also helped to physically and mentally tire me out so I slept better.

It’s so hard to accept that people we love have turned into someone we don’t recognise, and if his family is doing same then that’s also hard to accept. But please don’t think it’s all your fault - they tend to do that to take the guilt/blame from themselves. In reality most situations involve some sort of “blame” on both sides, but it’s how you handle it - ie are you prepared to work on the relationship or just move on. He has chosen to do what he’s done and nothing you’ve done wrong in the relationship would excuse that.

Hope this helps but feel free to vent on here anytime, sometimes just getting it all down in writing makes a difference and becomes a coping mechanism.

Take care xx

Sorry @aimeefrank should also add don’t worry about having kids in future. You are still young enough for this to happen, and there are always options even if you’re not in a relationship to still achieve motherhood.

But for now concentrate on yourself and getting into a good place mentally and physically and then you can start and plan the next phase of your life.

Hugs xx

Happy new year to everyone,

moo such uplifting words

Thank you Moo for your kind words.
I’ve woken up this morning half hoping for a happy new year message from husband or the MIL.. however like on Christmas Day I’ve been left wondering what he’s doing/who he’s with.. that he is clearly having a better time than me, which girl he’s sleeping with etc. I certainly didn’t sleep well last night :(

Happy new year everyone xxxxxxxxxx

Happy New year everyone.

I am new poster here too. Started my own thread but might just post here instead as it seems like we are dealing with similar difficult exes.

I separared from my narcissistic ex last year due to finally having enough of his abuse. During the process of me leaving I found out he had been having an affair with his ex for the last 2 to 3 years (never admitted to it though I have evidence) of our marriage. The separation was extremely ugly and unpleasant. Despite him cheating (which he hid up until the point I left) he was incredibly angry at me and blamed me for the marriage breakdown. This resulted in a violent altercation which lead to me going completely nc with him. This has been helping me to successfully rebuild and recover from his abuse. Unfortunately as we have quite young dcs I have to accept his continued presence on the periphery of my life.

I find I do well in the periods of time inbetween contact (every other week) but certain things are triggers for me when there is contact. He did not spend much time with them or give them much attention when we lived together (or when I initially left) but now plays Disney dad role. No actual parenting goes on but kids get lots of treats. They are happy when they go and come back (which i should be glad about) but I'm worried he is trying to manoeuvre the situation so that he can ultimately be resident parent through dc choosing to live with him. This I feel is to get at me as he had very little interest in them when we were together (was resentful of the time I spent on them).

He does a lot of passive aggressive things to maintain control and attack me for example he withholds information about where dcs are staying when with him (this has ranged from relatives houses to hotels to ows home). He has done things and bought things since we separated which he knew I wanted but refused to do when we were together putting it down or making excuses. This ranges from petty shit like buying the particular car I wanted to visiting places I wanted to see. To more personal attacks. He is expecting child with ow and dcs have told me the name they have chosen is the one i wanted for both my dcs which he refused to agree with so we had to choose alternatives. This has been amusing and infuriating as it demonstrated he was paying attention to my wants but just refused to give them to me when we were together.

I also have to tolerate that kids see ow whom he had an affair with on a regular basis. This is also quite triggering as they love to play happy blended family (she has dcs the same gender and similar age to mine). Although I have learnt to not ask youngest dc will repeatedly mention ow and her dc. I range in response from either ignoring to making digs. She is also quite an unpleasant character from what I have seen. She gloated publically on social media about getting back with her true love glossing over the fact he was married with kids at the time. She has also made digs at me treating ex like a bank account (ignoring the fact he bullied me in to giving up my job). She tried to cover up to ex inlaws about when they got together though the important people accept my account. She also uses my kids to score points with ex.

My dcs seem happy with the arrangement but I must admit it is tough on my mental health and recovery process. I have been fantasizing about moving abroad with kids. Can anyone who has been in a similar situation advise me on how best to cope and handle the situation. I try to keep busy when they are away but no matter what I hate hearing the accounts of what they get up to when they are with their dad. I have wondered whether I should just say to dcs don't talk to me about either of them but if it gets back to them i know they will take it as a victory.

Please help.

Afternoon all, hope we not too bleary headed

peaceful I can relate to your situation fairly closely. My ex had strong narc traits although they were fairly covert and I do worry myself about the long term effect on my ds. He too is young and having to adjust to being without both his parents being there.

The Disney dad thing will not last forever and I think that as your kids grow they will learn that it’s really the nitty gritty part of parenting that is important. Toys and treats are not the building blocks of life, it’s unconditional love and being there through the tough times that they will look back on and realise who was really there for them. For many of us this is a long old road- decades long really so try not to stress. Eve says it well- just look at things one day at a time and keep going, you will reach a place eventually where you will be at peace with your relationship ending however far off that often seems. No one needs someone in their life that is capable of two-timing or having affairs behind their partners back. We are better than that. Hugs xx

A bit late, but Happy New Year all!
Hoping that 2019 gives us the strength, we need, to do what will make us all happy xx

Struggling so much with how angry I feel at him. He's saying how much he wants his old life back and how much he misses me but I just feel so angry.
When I ask how he intends to do this he just says he didn't know as it's not possible as they work together and he's her boss.
So why say it to me? Then when I get emotional he first tried to cuddle me but when I don't respond he says that 50% of people in the world have affairs and god I'm making him pay. How exactly is getting upset at the fact he's still here and in finding it impossible making him pay?
So he ends today's conversation by telling me he'll go away for the day tomorrow, maybe to her, maybe somewhere else. And he wonders why I'm upset, confused and becoming increasingly angry and mental.
I don't know what to do any more and am starting to feel scared or how I feel

Hi whatdy

I think you have to be apart from him for the state of your mental health. Throw him out or leave with your ds. It’s obviously very easy to say that and much harder to do but your top priorities are yourself and ds. None of what he is saying and doing has anything positive about it. I’d be angry too if I was being treated like an emotional sponge for his wrongdoing.

For reference, when me and my ex split we separated quickly- I didn’t want to push the issue as the conflict and emotional stress would have been bad for my son- so I left. We owned our house 50:50 with a small portion of mortgage and she wanted out, so I moved to my parents whilst ds finished the academic year. I moved back in until the house was sold.

None of what he says seems to lead anywhere and it seems clear that he is emotionally stunted to not realise that what he is saying is both hurtful and pointless, not to mention self absorbed. I think once you are away from him you will be able to continue the long healing process but in the current setup it will be far far more difficult. If you are unable to make that break then, as others have said earlier, you need to put up firm boundaries, tell him you don’t give a monkeys what he does or doesn’t think, and any communication between you will be about the care of you ds, done in a courteous, neutral manner.

Sorry but your ex sounds like a complete prick. I’m not in the mood to mince my words this morning- I had an awful nightmare involving an epic confrontation with my ex and her parents, my ds was there and was inconsolable seeing the conflict. I awoke in floods of tears as it was incredibly lifelike. So quite a bit of healing still to be done here and feeling angry is all part of it, I hope that dream may just have been a step along the way. Hugs all

Hi @whatdyknow

I would second everything that crab has just said. You can’t possibly figure this all out while he’s there, suffocating you emotionally.

You need space and time to work out what you want from your life. I guarantee it will seem different if you have that. Also ex sounds like he’s being incredibly hurtful and playing with your emotions to the point you mustn’t know whether you’re coming or going. That’s not fair to you or your ds and he needs to grow up and recognise what he’s doing.

Crab - I’m with you on the nightmare thing. I’ve been having repeated ones about ex and his gf, one in particular involved him telling me how great his new gf was and how she was a perfect woman. I woke up really upset and threw me for a good few days.

It’s such a tough time of year for us all but I am trying to take comfort in that New Year was the last of the “firsts” since ex left. Hopefully the start of a more positive year for us all

Hugs x

Hi @lonelycrab & @moocow72.
Thanks for the replies. I know you're both right & also that no matter what he says he's not making any attempt to change so everything he says to me is just more hurt and is damaging me.

I've been trying to just be blind to him in the house but I don't seem to be able to do it without my emotions rushing back to the surface. I've been seeing friends and staying over only to come back to him being forlorn and saying how much he missed me. But then he'll go off with her again a day later.

I just feel like I need someone to come and physically separate us for both of our sakes. I think what upsets me most about the anger, other that how physically painful it feels, is that I'm letting myself down when i don't hold it together in front of him and it just gives my head something else to blame myself for.

He's gone to work (it's a school so closed?!)today and I'm in work tomorrow so he's coming back tonight for DS in the morning. Then I've said he needs to go for at least a couple of weeks. But I've told him this before and he didn't do it. He'll be back to work properly next week and I know his refound love for me will pass as he's with her every day again.

I think as well as space to think I need to seek out a good counsellor to help me through this. I've seen a relate one but didn't find her helpful. Can't really afford a private one though but I need to get it sorted and start moving forward.

Sorry to hear about your nightmares. Hope you both manage to lose their images over the day and have more positive ones as time goes on.

How do you cope day before he goes away with the ow, he is acting all normal and my head is about to explode

@ariangel
I'm not able to give advice on coping as struggling with something similar myself. Just one step at a time I guess. I totally understand what you mean about your head nearly exploding with it all. Hang in there

Wow can definitely relate to the nightmares. I have dreams of confrontations with ex and ow. I never knew about his affair until after I left but it was still devastating as then all the emotional manipulation and anger was exposed as being bare face hypocrisy. Telling me I didn't love him enough or prioritise him enough and all the time he was having an affair for 2-3 years with his ex fiance. The betrayal is just so immense it's hard to imagine I will ever be able to trust again. But I don't want him to impact my life. I have to recover and move on for my sake and my children. I want to model good examples to them of relationships and also don't want bitterness to consume me.

The hardest thing I think about recovery is the fact you have to continuously be reminded of ex when you have kids together and need to do contact. I have really struggled over the hols with my kids coming back with tales of the ow and ex. It came to the point where I had to tell my youngest to not speak to me about any of them just because the constant reminders were upsetting to me. I don't know whether I did the right thing but I felt like I had to have a break from it

I just want to recover already and although I have outwardly I feel internally I'm still emotionally very bruised. How far along the healing process is everyone? I have been separated for 1 and a half years now and still feels like it was only yesterday.

Have to add I left 1 and a half years ago but it's really only 1 year I have had no contact and found out about the ugliness going on in the background of our marriage only over the last 7 or 8 months. So although it seems like it's been a long time and I should be over it it's sort of dealing with the fact that the whole relationship was based on lies and feeling that I have been used all these years.

Here comes the anger again.
My god this is such a process. I really hadn't appreciated how much emotions can roller coaster.
Stbx has been very remorseful last few days. Says he feels like he's suddenly seeing what he's done and asking me how or if he can fix it. I said I don't know if he can fix it with me. He needs to do lots of work and even then I can't say I'd be able to trust him again. That he needs to decide what he wants & so do I. Also that I needed him to move out last weekend.
Needless to say he's not moved out. Despite agreeing and us actually sitting down calmly to talk through practicalities. Just gets tearful & says he can't find any where & doesn't want to lose me.
But I know he's back to work today so that will no doubt change when they're together every day again. He said no. Last time he saw her just wanted to get back to me & she knows it.
Shithead even came into my room & woke me up last night in tears to say he didn't want to go in & see her & didn't know what to do. I said very little other than why don't you know.
Then just noticed this morning that he's managed to remember,in his great distress, to take in the chocolates she got him at Xmas so they can share them at work.
Just wrote an angry text letting him know I knew but I've decided not to send. It'll just wind me up wondering how he's responding to it. Need to just not care.

Hello everyone. Hope we are all back into routine. I was dreading Monday. But last two days have been really positive. Although know it won't last.

@Peacefulsanctuaryfinally be kind to yourself. It has been 18 month since ex first left. And 12 months since he left for good and ow surfaced. I'm just as sad now as I was then. But it isn't as crushing as it was. It takes as long as it takes. But I do feel that I need to start trying to date to actually fully move on. But have limited childcare so not very practical.

@Whatdyknow I hope you are ok. I read your last post and what jumped out at me. Was 'what do YOU want'. You ask him what he wants and how he feels. Sod him. What is it you want. If you want to work on things then make a plan about how that looks. Ex cheated on me many years ago. And we did come back from it and had another 8/9 good years. Only for him to have another crisis. 🙄

It is such A roller coaster. If you feel you are struggling do seek some support from your gp. Or look for local counselling charities. I found one that was only £10 an hour. And gave me a safe place to get it all out.

As for me idiot boy is quiet at the moment. Eldest dc has refused to see him. Even refused his Christmas presents. Which ex is now holding to ransom until he comes to visit.

I offered him a week of contact over Christmas holidays. He took youngest for 24 hours. ( phoned in the evening to bring her back but I was out). Only to start making a fuss the last few days of the holiday about sorting out seeing eldest. When I had made plans. Apparently it needed to be sorted there and then.

Funny how the days I offered him half Christmas Day. Boxing Day. And following day (his birthday) and new year it wasn't important enough to sort it then.

Anyway. We are soldiering on.