Getting there slowly....hugs along the way

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

A thread for those facing separation or divorce, whether by choice or your hand forced by spouses behaviour or actions.

We're all at different stages along the journey but need a virtual handhold in this friendly corner of mumsnet to help us along the way

Link to old thread in next post

Hi @eve 34.
Sorry your ex is still being so difficult. I hope your eldest (&all of you of course) is finding it easier getting back into the routine without the additional stress of Xmas. So crappy of your ex to withhold his present when he's so obviously hurting.

I do think I need to start to talk to a professional. Not just for the help it will provide in straightening my thoughts, but also so that when I see friends I'm not just going over things. They've been so good but I think a one hour session would give me a focus and make me talk & think about other things with friends which in itself will help.

I know it might sound like I'm just thinking of him and his needs but I guess I tend to post when at my lowest. I can't help swinging back & forwards from never wanting to see him again to desparately wishing we could work it out. I don't come across as desperate to him in those moments tho but keep it to myself.

I know that whatever the outcome we need time apart. It's DS birthday this weekend so I've left the issue this week after STbx agreed to go then didn't last weekend. I think even a month will allow me to see more clearly what is best for me even if he does decide he's made a mistake. & I know that's probably just me wanting him to truly believe he has.

Hope everyone what is doing OK.

DS birthday weekend. His DF kept telling me last week that he didn't want to lose me. Said he needed to talk to Ow on Friday. Said he wanted to come home & he did. But that was after being out for hours and coming back later than he said. Then tried to come into my bed again. I said no but he still kissed my head loads and told me how much he loved me.

I went out with friends and had a few drinks on Saturday. Not drunk but enough to wind myself up. Felt so annoyed when I got back about the way he'd been with me & not even said anything about how his 'talk' has gone. I don't know what's wrong with me to keep expecting anything.

Wouldn't tell him anything about my night as he hadn't told me about his. Childish but nothing more.

Then today. He wanted us to do something together for DS. I said I found that difficult. He basically said why can't I understand he's with someone else now. Sorry it's tough but that's how it is! When I asked about him saying he loved me, didn't want to lose me he just said he couldn't help it. Mainly says it cos he's drunk. (This isn't the case).

So after calming down I decided that I would say we could all do birthday meal today for DS. ( changing me & DS plans but going to do something nice with his friends tomorrow when ex can't be there as working late).
Put a happy face on it as I realise I cannot trust how he will interpret anything and need to not give him anything he could use against me.

@Whatdyknow it sounds like a complete head f@&k. I know it is easy to say but you need to start packing his stuff up and showing him you mean business.
Look at the bills get things sorted. Can you manage on your money/benefits/maintenance.
Did you have a look for some local counselling.

Time to get tough. I know how hard that is. Ex messed me about for six months. He loved me. And couldn't imagine how it would be without me blah blah. Whilst seeing someone else. I sucked it up hoping he would see sense. He was just playing me. Emotionally and financially. You will find your line. And be able to get tough.

We have had a turbulent weekend. We did a hand over at the shops to see if ds would be happy to see dad. Ds refused. Ex kicked off told me I was a fucking idiot. Ds has no rights. Ex could drag him off he wanted too blah. After 10 mins of his tantrum and me saying to stop shouting and swearing and we need to work together ds and I both got told to fuck off and he throw/thrown ds swimming stuff at us and stormed off. Ds has had awful weekend of nightmares and anxiety.

So I have spent the day on the phone to camhs. Who are useless. Children law advice line. Told me everything I have already learnt from mn. And social services. Who were more concerned that my suicidal son was coming into my bed. Than the fact that his father is psychologically and emotionally intimidating him.

So no further forward. But will stop contact now. Again another complete shit storm coming my way. But at least I've two weeks before next contact. And breath.

Oh @eve34 that sounds awful.
How old is your DS? That's so much to cope with for you both. Why can't his DF realise what he's doing to him. You'd think he'd want to win him round. Hope you have a chance of relaxing over the next couple of weeks. No contact will hopefully help. Also really hope that you manage to get the support you need for DS. Is your GP or maybe school no use?

I've got counsellor appt this Thursday. Couldn't get access to anything other than private but it's not too pricey. If it can at least get me started on a road to clear my head that'll be worth it.
Had a nice evening for DS but ex now 'home'.

@Whatdyknow school are involved and supporting ds. Not a lot else I can do. Ex is clear that I'm in the wrong as told ds at 12 now he has the right to be heard. And we need to listen to him.

I was just stunned that he felt that was an appropriate way to behave towards me and ds. I can't imagine how hurtful it must be for your child to say. Sorry I don't want to see you. But I would be bending over backwards to make it right. Not get threatening.

I would like to think that he is loosing control in other parts of his life. But he can only lash out at us. Because we have always taken it. He got very offended when I told him he didn't get to shout at me anymore.

On the plus side I feel mentally I have turned a corner. I don't want anything to do with him. Where as before I very much wanted my old life back. Warts and all. I'm content as I am now. It changes though. And his bad behaviour helps to remind me I'm
Better off now.

@eve34. I'm pleased you're feeling stronger in yourself. That will be giving your DS strength.
It must have been so hard for him to say that to his DF. It's not something he will have done lightly but shows he's got your strength. That in no way makes it easy for him though.
I agree though at 12 he's allowed a say and his opinion should be respected and his trust earned back not by force but with love & care by his DF.

Hugs

Reading and no advice to offer but absolutely at your ex's behaviour eve your poor ds, obviously he's coming into your bed to seek comfort from his turmoil, keep going you're doing great by him.

My ds(5) has joined me last two nights and dd(8) attempted to yesterday morning but I was getting up for work, I found it beautiful though that ds decided to go back to the room they share to be with her rather than stay in my bed alone when I was going to work.

@happierwithouthim & @eve34. I agree- if the DC find comfort through difficult times by needing a cuddle then that can only be a good thing. That's what we do, hug and comfort and support our DC as best we can.

Ex has just come in, late from work & I know was actually working. Kicked off immediately as we were watching a film and didn't jump up & stop it to ask about his day.
Sorry but I might have responded differently under previous circumstances ( tho he says not!). Proceeded to complain that his shirt was in the corner of the living room on the floor. Told him that's because he'd left it in the middle of the room and I'd moved it there as I don't pick up his washing for him any more. Going to go to bed and read to keep out of the way.

@Whatdyknow well done for not doing his washing. These men are deluded. Thin we will carry on being little wifey.

I remember ex coming having a tantrum I hadnt paid his phone bill. Even though he had given me no child support for three month he was expecting me to pay his bills as usual. Poor chap.

Hope everyone has a good day.

@whatdyknow H has both dc in bed with him when they stay over so I can hardly send ds back to his own bed, and reject him like that.

It's a pity you had to leave your film to avoid the atmosphere but it's worth doing because the day will come when you don't share a house and you can watch whatever you want then.

I actually remember that about your ex's phone bill too eve

@happierwithouthim. I hope what I'd put about DC coming in for a cuddle didn't come out wrong. I was trying to say you were doing great. Not for a second did I think you were being tough. Quite the opposite. Sorry if that wasn't obvious.

No it didn't at all I knew you were being supportive I was just giving the background, sorry you thought I misunderstood

Hi everyone.
Hope the last week's been good to you all.

I've now started with a councillor so will hopefully be able to get stronger and more decisive in what I need to do for me& DS.

Problem I mainly need to find a way to sort is how to get ex to move out. He's told me he's going for months, I've agreed and told him to go for months but he's still no further forward. He'll say it's as he doesn't want to lose me, or that he can't afford to, or that he can't wait depending on the moment. I know I can't believe anything he says but not sure how to progress things. Any one any suggestions of what's worked for them? I don't want to go down the lock changing idea as realistically that's going to make things awful for me & DS.

Hi whatdy

What is your situation? Do you own or rent? Would things be do-able for you to stay and keep on top of things money wise?

It’s hard to just say what to do but I’d say either he moves or you and your dc move out. It’s not fair on you or your kids being like this, the only person this seems to be suiting is him imo. You said before that he’s a teacher? Then he can afford it, many people earn way less. He’s already lost you from what you say so that one doesn’t wash, and if he says he can’t wait, tell him to pack a bag and leave instantly.

eve sorry to hear about your ongoing struggles- crap as it all is I know you’ll be ok but it breaks my heart to hear about your ds. If your son really feels that way about his dad (I think I **ing would if I was him poor soul) then perhaps no contact at all between you and your dc, and your ex is for the best. Even if just for a cooling off period. But it’s good that you seem to have turned a corner in your mind with him and you’re looking to the future now, good on you.

I’ve just had my first four night eow, Friday to Tuesday so doing the school runs once again. I’ll hopefully go to five nights but the fifth night might have to be a floating night, between my bookings as financially my new setup is quite tight, and my workload unpredictable. One day at a time. Hugs all

Hi crab. We're jointly on the mortgage but he's always paid it as I went pt, did all childcare, house etc. When everything with ow first kicked off and he was saying he needed to move I got him to agree to continue mortgage. It's only now dawning on me how much control that still gives him.
I could probably afford half with family help but feel I need him to go so that I can think straight and make sure i don't agree to anything rashly. I don't want to suggest less to him when I know he can afford it despite what he says. It might slow down his new lifestyle but hey...
Ideally I don't want to inflict a house move on DS on top of everything else.
It's difficult when communication becomes almost non existent. I know others have been in similar situations where ex has OW but thinks it's OK ( or normal as I've been told by ex!) to still live in family home most the time.
Hope you coped ok with the time without DC.

@eve hope you're having a calmer week and your DS is doing OK.

Evening all.

Hope everyone is keeping ok. And soldiering on.

All quiet here. Ex sent an apology to ds yesterday. Said he was in the wrong but hopes ds will understand one day wants to see him. He loves and misses him and ex is struggling and hurting too.

Ds said he didn't want any half baked apologies. And had little cry. We had good chat. But still not wanting to see his dad

Ex turned up this morning and was calm. He feels he has lost his son. Told him he needs to regain his trust. And it will take time. He said that we needed to talk. I said he never listened to me before so no point now.

So good news he has realised he has completely mis handled the situation. But how long we will have this calm approach is anyone's guess.

Crab. So pleased things are getting into new routine for you. I hope that everything falls into place now for you. We all deserve to find new happiness.

Evening all. Hope the fact that the thread is quiet means everyone is ok.

Just wanted some thoughts if anyone has any

Ex phoned this morning. To tell me he has a lump in his throat. And they are doing tests. ( I already knew this info as someone else had told me). So I just said ok. And probably was not very sensitive or sympathetic.

He then sent me a message to suggest I check the life insurance. I didn't respond. As I don't know what to say. And I cancelled his life insurance. As I decided if anything happened to him. I would happily continue to pay the mortgage. And if anything happened to me I did not want my share being paid out to him.

So now I feel like I should say something. But. This is the man that has paid no child support for six month. Left me and the kids with no heating etc. And various other shit things. He has shown me clearly in the last year who he is. So I don't want to offer platitudes or sympathies because I know I don't mean them. But also realise he will always be in my life (assuming this isn't anything serious)

I'm also waiting on a safe guarding issues to hit the fan that school have raised. (Ref ex behaviour).

Thank you for any thoughts x

Hi @eve34.

Sorry your ex is still giving you more to occupy your head with. Hopefully (as I would also feel for anyone) it will prove to be nothing but you're not responsible for worrying about him and supporting him anymore. It sounds like he might be trying to seek your comfort.

As to the life insurance. It's not something he'll need to know about unless he was seeking your share. If you had thought he would keep up the payments on it to support you & DCs then i don't imagine you'd have cancelled in the first place. His track record doesn't exactly go in his favour.

I would think it might more be a case of the support (over & above what's already needed & that you're giving) that your DC might need if DD is indeed unwell, particularly given how strained it is thanks to exs behaviour.

But with potential safeguarding issues along with how he's treated you I think you are entitled to just behave however feels most natural to you & just don't beat yourself up afterwards. Maybe it would help to imagine it's a neighbour you don't really like but who you bump into - you'd probably ask how they're doing and sympathise before moving on. I realise it won't feel a bit like that in reality but if you can try and think of reacting in those terms maybe that would be one way.
Not that I'm one to give advice but hopefully you get what I'm trying to say.
How's DS doing this week?

@Whatdyknow thank you for taking the time to reply. And giving some reassurance. Good point about him not needing to know about life insurance.

I guess I should show some sympathy. As you say. I truly hope it's nothing serious. But I guess my indifference is to get back at him. Childish I know.

Stbx has just said he's found himself a flat. Says it's not what he wants but what I've asked him to do. I can already feel that I'm going to play that over in my head. Need to remember that he has to move because he has said he can't commit to us and still has feelings for OW. Of course he'll be moving to where he works & where she lives. I know it has to happen, I'm sick of living this non life limbo knowing there's someone else in the background but not knowing how much/often, but I also know the hurt's going to come & be different as it really will be the end of us. 23 years- almost the whole of the last one has been shit because of this. And he's just said he doesn't know how his life has come to this.....

@Whatdyknow I really do feel for you. And it is wrong of him to try to shift the blame on to you. If ow wasn't in the back ground it wouldn't of come to this. He made a choice. And has/is behaving very badly towards to. I am pretty sure if you had been involved with someone else he wouldn't be tolerating it.

How do I do this? He hasn't even gone yet and I know it couldn't go on as it was so why do I feel like I've pushed him? If the person who's known me for 23 years (exactly next week) doesn't want to stay then why would anyone else. All of the thoughts of how awful he's been and how I can't wait to clear his stuff out have gone right out of my head. I just want to cling to it all and cry. He kept saying he didn't want to move as didn't want to lose me but now he's found somewhere he seems lighter. I think I stupidly always thought he'd suddenly realise he wanted to fight to stay. How do I do this.
Sorry for the rant I just feel so sad and lonely and weirdly ashamed that I couldn't keep my family together. That I wasn't enough. It's one thing telling people that he was having an affair and how awful that was but just to say he's left me feels very different & I wish I hadn't told him he had to go.

Just reread my message and given myself a stern talking to. Worth writing it down for that reason.

Keep writing things down. It does help. I use to write draft e mails and not send them. I cringed at some of them now. So realise how far I have come.

How you feel is very natural. And I remember thinking the same things. If ex left me who else would want me. Now I'm 14 years older and two kids. One who had asd. But it says more about him than you. You and his family should of meant more. And he should of wanted to do anything to make it right.

Have you had any counselling? It does help to get your thoughts in order. And everything you feel is only natural.

Hi @eve34 & thanks for your support. I really felt so pathetic and lost earlier. Got to work and a friend reminded me to ignore his words and look at the actions and that helped me get a bit stronger. Enough for today anyway. At least I vented here rather than being too desperate sounding to him.
I have started with a counsellor tho not sure how many sessions I can afford. I think each of them have been taken up by the week's events up to now, but maybe if there's a final end now in sight I can actually start to work on rebuilding myself when I see her.
Hope your week's been OK.