Hubby has had Herpes for past 12 years and I have only just found out now! What should I do??

[CazInLeith]

First time post here, the last week has just been a blur.

Hubby and I are in our mid 30s, married just over a year ago, known each other for 6 years, dated for 2 years before getting hitched, just had first baby born on 1st June (10/11 weeks old). Around a week ago I was trying to find a pen to use in hubby’s work bag and came across a stash of suspicious looking pills in a side pocket labelled ‘aciclovir 400mg’, a quick google search and I discover this is a standard retroviral medication for herpes!

Horrid 3hrs of wondering what to do whilst waiting for him to come home. Decide to confront him that same evening. He opens up and admits it straight away. I’d found out about his ‘secret’ - apparently he slept with a random 12 years ago whilst at university and contracted herpes. You can’t get rid of herpes apparently, it’s with you for life, all you can do is manage the symptoms by taking long term medication. And apparently he’s been secretly taking this medication every day for the past 12 years(!)

At the moment, I’ve got him sleeping in the spare bedroom. No chance of any intimacy at the moment.

Where do we go from here?

1. I’m terrified I might have this too. Goodness knows how many times we’ve had unprotected sex whilst trying to convcieve and since getting pregnant. Getting tested for herpes isn’t simple - I’ve already seen the doctor. Some people are asymptomatic, I may have to wait years to see if I ‘flare up’ into a symptomatic phase, and even then I might not Notice I’m having an ‘active phase’ . For this reason: getting a straight answer to whether you have this horrid little STD isn’t always easy.
2. To put it simply, the doc says they can’t rule out that I don’t have it, but they also can’t say for sure if I do, because the symptoms aren’t always there as thevitus itsekf can lay dormant for months or even years between active phases or ‘flare-ups’, which if a carrier is suppressing with retro viral medication like hubby, may never even ever happen again. There are also a lot of people who have contracted this virus at some point along the way, don’t know they have it, aren’t taking any retrovirals, and don’t even notice when they have the lesions. All the doc can recommend is avoiding unprotected sex with someone you know has it, i.e. my hubby!
3. It’s very unlikely that I will have passed it onto my baby during the birth (no visible signs of any lesions on baby, and apparently these normally show up very soon after birth if this is the case. Naturally I am terrified that this may be the case and am feeling hugely guilty already in case this happens.
4. Cannot talk to ANYONE I know about this, as is hugely embarrassing, no idea who to turn to, so have ended up coming on here in the hope of finding some answers to it all.

So where do we go from here?

1. Hubby very apologetic, naturally. Lots of flowers and peace offerings happening at he moment.
2. His main excuse is: ‘he wanted to tell me at the start’ but could ‘just never find he right words’.... at start of relationship we were in a romantic patch having been good friends for 4 years before, and it never seemed to be the right time. And then, it went to engagement and the finishing straight into marriage, pregnancy, etc.
3. His main defence is ‘he knows how to manage his symptoms’, he’s been dealing with it for 12 years, he just takes this drug and that keeps it all at bay. Apparently he hasn’t had a visible ‘flare-up’ for 6 years, and that last happened when he went away on holiday for 2 weeks and forgot to take his medication with him.

Here’s my problem:

1. This totally ruins intimacy for me forever now. Even if we used protection every time from now, I can’t get it out of my head that he’s carrying an STD, and that is a major turn-off. I could probably force myself to do it, to preserve the marriage but it would be a massive undertaking, and not something I feel I could get used to.
2. Even if I could manage to get my head around the idea of protected sex, how can I ever go back to unprotected sex knowing this? This really throws ideas of an eventual 2nd child into question. Even if I did eventually build my way back up to unprotected sex again, I’d feel like I was playing Russian roulette with my own health every time.
3. Telling him all this wouldn’t be easy, would probably put him off me
4. He knows I’m angry about it all and probably thinks I will eventually calm down, but i really feel like this is putting a wedge between us that is not going to easily go away. I feel like I’ve been cheated on and lied to. Even if the ‘cheated on’ part isn’t real. His way of looking at it is that all this happened a full 6 years before I even met him, and that he’s just been terribly unlucky. After all, how many of us haven’t had a one night stand in our twenties? Unfortunately for him it’s left a lasting legacy for life.

In some ways I wish I’d never gone and looked for a pen in his bag now, my life wouldn’t be so screwed up now if I had... Am I being unreasonable?

Yes, I do agree with that, Emma. Obviously in the OP's DH's case, he didn't feel the need to wait to have sex before telling the OP. The more I think about this, the less I could get over it to be honest. Who cares if you had a few upheavals. It would have taken 5 minutes and he would have done it if he respected you. Would you in all honesty if you knew you had a disease that could be passed on to your OH or DC hide it and gamble with their health? If you loved and respected them, wouldn't their health be more important to you than the fact that they might react badly if they found out you had it?

I dont know whats more unbelievable, the fact that he has taken high dose acciclovir everyday for 12 years or that in the space of a week he not only managed to get a doctors appointment but also a full set of medical records

Take the point about the ‘random slapper’ remark, but it was how he termed the liaison when he explained it to me, his language not mine

He just gets better and better.

I don't think it's stigmatised, but people don't have to want to get it, and no matter what, it does change your life, and it's not just cold sores on your genitals. It's far more, and it can also affect you mentally to have a lifelong condition.

'I dont know whats more unbelievable, the fact that he has taken high dose acciclovir everyday for 12 years or that in the space of a week he not only managed to get a doctors appointment but also a full set of medical records '

Going some isn't it

Do I bin an otherwise good relationship on principle?

Yes. I could never get over something like this. He stole your agency. You might have made very different choices had he not done this. I would honestly divorce him and not a fuck what anyone thought of why.

I have never, ever heard of anyone taking the meds long term.

I am extremely suspicious that he's being honest about why (if it's true) he is doing this.

The only way to avoid STD's is to abstain. Having one doesn't make you a slapper, just unlucky. You would be mad to end your marriage over this, you've said he's a brilliant husband and dad, his only crime in your eyes is contracting herpes.

A friend contracted herpes a few years ago, she was advised that unless she was showing symptoms she was ok to have sex.

Martha exactly, impossible, no?

Would you in all honesty if you knew you had a disease that could be passed on to your OH or DC hide it and gamble with their health?

Forgive me if I am wrong, but I don't think you are allowed to legally.

I definitely wouldn’t end an otherwise happy marriage over it but I would be absolutely livid that he hadn’t told you when you were thinking about getting pregnant. It will take some time to get over. I agree that the herpes is less of a concern than the non disclosure.

Shocked at the people saying "it's not a big deal"
It's a huge deal ffs!
Liar and a cheat.

I also become concerned when women I know having treatment for abnormal cells, feel it's acceptable to have casual and unprotected sex. Of course that's HPV, where warts are the milder strain and you aren't supposed to transmit them, but the abnormal cells are the serious kind. You are literally risking other women's lives, by doing so.
It's as though people's brains stop functioning the minute their pants start twitching.
Honestly, I'm divorced, and the thought of having sex and dating again puts me right off.

'all you can do is manage the symptoms by taking long term medication. And apparently he’s been secretly taking this medication every day for the past 12 years(!)'

Apparently this is extremely unusual

@PrincessoftheSea

Well I can understand why he didn’t tell you.
I think you are massively over reacting to be honest. I understand you are angry, but your post is hysterical. Lots of people live with and manage STDs.

One that can cause such bad problems in new born infants that it can kill the child? Yeah.... Of course she is over reacting. Idiot

He KNOWINGLY exposed you and your baby to an std. If you hadn't found his meds you would still be none the wiser. Bollocks to his 'meaning to tell you'. If he felt that strongly about it he would have, but he didn't did he.

For someone to show this level of disrespect for my health, let alone the risks to my baby, would end it completely for me. You sounds suddenly very forgiving op and are making excuses for his lying already. He clearly isn't an honest man and no amountvof apologies and flowers will change that.

Userxx but that’s one of the problems people don’t know always know they have symptoms.

I agree onetimeposter. It’s literally putting people’s lives at risk to transmit HPV. I think a lot of people are just idiots though. I say this as someone who once lived with a girl in a relationship with someone who was an intravenous drug user yet continued to have unprotected sex as condoms were a hassle apparently.

One that can cause such bad problems in new born infants that it can kill the child?

If he’s on antivirals presumably he doesn’t get breakouts therefore OP and the baby have never actually been at risk?

Gosh you are lucky your baby is ok. Herpes infection can extremely harmful to a baby. Very selfish of him not to have told you about this. I can understand why he didn't want to tell you but to put yourself and your baby at risk by not telling you is very selfish and I would be livid.

Antivirals prevent breakouts becoming severe. Some lesions can shed the virus before people realise they are having a breakout. To a run down immune system ie pregnancy, that is all it takes for the mum's immunity to take a hit, and even though C sections can lower the risk, the herpes virus is in the bloodstream and so there is a risk the baby is infected even though it never passed through the vagina.
I did read something where breastfeeding was also risky when the outbreak was severe and during the later stages of pregnancy (I think)

“Take the point about the ‘random slapper’ remark, but it was how he termed the liaison when he explained it to me, his language not mine.”

Charming

I think his attitude to women is becoming pretty clear. Misogynistic language as well as the complete lack of respect for you and your right to make informed decisions about your sexual health as well as the health of your baby. He might have hidden it well, just as he hid all the medication, but he seems pretty entitled and sexist to me.

how many of you have actually directly asked your spouses if they carried any asymptomatic latent STIs before you married them

Well I have discussed STDs with previous partners actually, so it came up way before marriage. The thing is, if he's been on immunosuppressant for so long it wasn't naturally latent. If he stopped taking the medication even for a short time he had a flare up. So your question isn't quite right. If you'd asked "Do you have an STI?" his response should have been Yes, because he does. If you have to take a medication for something, it's because you actually have something, even if you're asymptomatic due to the medication.

So, if you hadn't found his meds, when was he planning on telling you op??

OP I am pretty surprised by your latest update tbh. At first you were furious with him and felt betrayed. Now you’re making excuses for him and seem to be worrying more about what people would think if you left him than about the fact that he lied by omission for years and put your baby at risk. It sounds pretty clear that you are going to forgive him. Fair enough but please consider couples counselling to hopefully help you work through the implications of all this. For me the trust would be gone but perhaps you can rebuild it.