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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Who gets the engagement ring?

158 replies

Ta77Blonde · 20/08/2018 10:17

When a couple break up because the man was an abuser, who gets the engagement ring?

OP posts:
shallichangemyname · 20/08/2018 12:56

I was in an abusive relationship which, post-separation, went on and on with petty mind games. And I reacted just the way he wanted to. Don't be me.

Mushroomsarehorrible · 20/08/2018 12:58

Why all the drama, surely you just want to cut all ties.

If you're broke then sell the ring and leave it at that.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 20/08/2018 13:02

You're drinking poison but waiting for him to get sick.

You will never, ever get the last word with someone like your ex. So stop giving him any words to get back at you with.

shallichangemyname · 20/08/2018 13:10

As I know the ring is the only hold he has on me now I want to use it to hurt him!

Well you are buying into his crap and perpetuating ties to him, and his control of you.
Your feelings of anger and resentment, the desire to hurt him - these are all the result of his control of you. As long as you react like this the control and the toxicity continue.

If you're determined not to give it back, then don't. Short letter to the solicitor to say that there is no requirement for you to return it and you will not be doing so, followed by the harassment warning I advised (because it's evidence for any police complaint/non-mol application).

Personally I wouldn't bother with a non- mol. I did that and found that it just perpetuated his control - he was breaching it within 24 hours. Only going to the police actually got rid.

PersianCatLady · 20/08/2018 13:11

Some people ask for help but they really don't want it

Thingsdogetbetter · 20/08/2018 13:18

You need to accept that nothing you can do will hurt him. He is not build like you, his emotions aren't the same as yours, he doesn't think and react like you.

If you are thinking keeping the ring solely to case him emotional pain, then you are fighting a battle for nothing. He revels in this kind of battle. It's his oxygen, his water! And you will be supplying him.

If you want to keep it for a financial gain and are prepared for the battle that lies ahead, then go for it. But it's still a battle he wants. He doesn't care if he wins the ring in the end, it's the battle that counts to him.

There will be more solicitor's letters, he may even drag it to court. Again he doesn't care about winning. He just enjoys the progress because to him he is still controlling you and keeping you hooked into the drama.

Keep it or sell it, but be sure you're doing it for the right reasons and have the stamina for a fight.

The opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy. And you need to find your apathy. Hating him doesn't hurt him. It hurts you.

puzzledlady · 20/08/2018 13:27

i think youre still hurting and you seem to want to hurt him because (understandably) you are hurting.

Please OP - just return the rin and leave it be - no long letter, no calls, just cut him off.

BMW6 · 20/08/2018 13:34

My belief is that you should return it, I think it is the moral thing to do AND severs ties completely.

Harpstrings · 20/08/2018 13:39

The ring is legally yours. Sell it.

Ignore all correspondence regarding it.
If any letters arrive at your fathers house, post them back marked "Return to sender. Not at this address".

eggsandwich · 20/08/2018 13:45

An engagement ring is a gift so you get to keep it, the only time I would give it back would be if it was an heirloom.

zzzzz · 20/08/2018 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 20/08/2018 13:54

Hi OP
May I ask how long you and your ex partner have been separated?
Also, on your 12.49 post you put "As I know the ring is the only hold he has on me now" - you and he have 10 year old daughter?

seven201 · 20/08/2018 14:07

Can't you see how he's already winning by making you keep changing your mind/thinking about it so much. You're allowed to do whatever you want with it. I'd personally give it back via solicitor with this

Dear X,

Here is the ring. I am legally entitled to keep the ring, but giving it back gives me closure - you are welcome to it.

Ta77Blonde · 20/08/2018 14:17

No he has a 10 year old daughter from his marriage.

Why do people think Im broke? lol

The ring is in a safe at another house. I am in no hurry to sell it.

Im on here today asking for advice and yes I appreciate everyones input. Its difficult for my friends and family to understand as they don't comprehend what type of abuse I was going through as I, as Im sure most domestic abuse victims so, put on a brave face.

OP posts:
FullMetalRabbit · 20/08/2018 14:19

In the words of Dr Phil

do you want to be right or happy?

I know which I'd choose

Ginger1982 · 20/08/2018 14:25

Why do you want to keep it? Makes it sound like you enjoy the drama.

Ta77Blonde · 20/08/2018 14:28

ginger1982

Exactly what part of being afraid in my own home and having panic attacks, nervous as he intentionally drives past my work as he knows what time I finish at, and revving his car do you think im enjoying?

I know it wont just end when I hand the ring back!

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 20/08/2018 14:30

So why do you want to keep it?

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 20/08/2018 14:31

Hi OP
Read the post again - I've interpreted it wrongly. Who does his daughter live with?

Ta77Blonde · 20/08/2018 14:34

Ginger1982

Probably because I know he wants it back so much. I want to hurt him as he has hurt me.

Pure revenge probably

OP posts:
Ta77Blonde · 20/08/2018 14:35

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey

His daughter lives with him unfortunately

He shows her no emotion, no affection and no empathy. Just as he did to me. I felt guilty showing my sons love as she doesn't get it from him. I gave my love to her also. She started to call me Mom.

OP posts:
Grasslands · 20/08/2018 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grasslands · 20/08/2018 14:39

Hurt him by being confident strong happy healthy and back enjoying life without him.

SunflowerJo08 · 20/08/2018 14:39

Return the ring via his solicitor with a direct instruction not to contact you again. Change all your numbers. It's not a case of winning. It's a case of getting out and not looking back.

Ginger1982 · 20/08/2018 14:41

Get someone to saw it in half and give him half back!

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