Who gets the engagement ring?

[Ta77Blonde]

When a couple break up because the man was an abuser, who gets the engagement ring?

Well done at getting away from him

I wouldn’t give it back. I’d sell it on EBay and donate the cash to Women’s Aid. And send a letter with a copy of the EBay listing and donation letter to his solicitor.

The Law Reform (Miscellaneous Provisions) Act 1970 states that:

“The gift of an engagement ring shall be presumed to be an absolute gift; this presumption may be rebutted by proving that the ring was given on the condition, express or implied, that it should be returned if the marriage did not take place for any reason.”

Basically, although it can seem unfair, this means that unless there was an agreement to return the engagement ring if the wedding was cancelled then the recipient is under no obligation to return the ring.
If however, there was a condition (expressed or implied) that the ring would be returned if the engagement was broken off, the recipient would have to give the ring back. For example, the courts will generally say there was an implied intention that the ring would be returned if it was a family heirloom or had particular sentimental value. Although, this would have to be proven.

The whole point of a ring (traditionally) is that if the man calls off the engagement, the woman can sell it to have some income. Of course it is yours to keep and do with as you wish.

LaurieFairyCake - I like your idea!

Nobody wins here, he's an abusuve arsehole and you're his victim.

The closest anyone gets to a win is when you draw the courage up to stop being a victim and walk away from your abuser.

Whatever the legal situation send it back, you want no reminder of him.

As PP have suggested, I would hand the ring back via his solicitor and ask for written confirmation of receipt. Not because I would feel bad keeping it or selling it, but just so he has absolutely nothing over you. I've known men like this - if you give the ring back then he has no justification for any more unreasonable behaviour. Then, if he does continue, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. That anxiety of 'what will he do next' definitely quietens over time.

Think of it as saving yourself from a potential lifetime of misery. to you.

I'd block him from contacting you through all known means, sell the ring and bank the money.

Sounds like a beautiful ring. However, in your position, I believe I would return it, via solicitor, and obtain a receipt.
Definitely wouldn't keep it - the connotation always being that it was a gift from an emotionally and physically abusive man.
Not returning it gives him an excuse/reason to maintain contact/abuse.
Well done for leaving

Dear ---,

Quite simply I thought I hated you but actually have no thought of you at all. Meaningless is the word Id use.

By law, I don’t have to give you this ring back but because you are an abuser and I have no hesitation in giving it back, as it and you, mean nothing to me. There is no love attached to it, no warmth in the way I received it and there is absolutely no sentiment in me keeping it. All it would do is just remind me of the abuser I was once in a relationship with. Unlike the other pieces I have received from others from my past, I will cherish those gifts with the love they were given to me. The ring is all you have!

A relationship that terrorised both me and 3 children, one of which is your 10 year old daughter that knows more about your abusive behaviour than you do. The second she said, “What my Father is doing to you is called Domestic Abuse” as she learned about it in school, is the moment I knew that you would never stop and actually admitted that you didn’t care about her, nor me and I had to leave. Your daughter! A 10 year old child was also abused throughout that relationship. You are nothing but an abusive, narcissistic sociopath.

You did nothing but abuse me from the minute we met. The only thing I regret is not telling you to get out of my life sooner. I will get over that though.

I could have gone to my solicitor and told them all about your abuse and I still may get the Non Molestation Order out against you if you come near me ever again. If you come near [retracted] or drive past my work at exactly 6pm, I will also get this actioned. Read up on it.

I found the necklace, in the front of my suitcase when I was going on hols. Im sure you hid it just like you hid the other ring I owned. What are you like?

Now you have it, stay out of my life. You have nothing but rings and cars.. lol

This post was edited by MNHQ at OP's request

If he means nothing then say nothing. I anyone is "winning" if it's him you send that.

Do not engage. Return it via the solicitor (unless you contributed to paying for it).

If he means nothing then say nothing. I anyone is "winning" if it's him you send that.

I agree totally. Just give it back with your head held high and walk away.

I agree with @dirtybadger if you say all of that then even though the words say you Don't care, the action and time taken to write it say that you do.

You may want to report your post OP, there's a location name visible.

Say you lost it.

Then sell it and buy yourself something nice.

I want him to know that returning it was never an issue and that I didn't want it. I was keeping it until I found a necklace he hid as he did before with other pieces of my jewellery

Say you lost it.

Then sell it and buy yourself something nice.

Do abusive stalkers usually just accept things like that?

Say nothing and return it.

What about the solicitors letter ?

You’re just playing into his abusuve hands sending that letter. Just send the ring back and it’s the end. Sorry, but I don’t get why you want to drag this along.

I assume you don’t actually intend to send that, but on the off chance you do, be very careful about using words like “abuser” unless you’re confident you have enough evidence to back it up in a court.

Someone who is prepared to pay a solicitor, on the off chance you’d buckle and send the ring back, is someone who wouldn’t hesitate to take action over what he’d probably like to pretend was libellous. You’ve already effectively published it (above) and why invite the additional hassle? He’s looking to provoke a reaction - that’s how he “wins” this game.

As pp have said, hand it back (or not - but he’ll probably invent a fictitious conversation where the ring came with conditions) without any note. Don’t descend to his level.

Isnt the letter closure and the end?

I have evidence. He is an abuser.

Do you really think he’ll read that letter and realise that he’s an abusive arsehole? I’d just disengage and save the letter for a therapist. You’ve done nothing wrong. You need to protect yourself here and get away as quickly and easily as possible.

Just send the ring back via solicitor. Do not engage and do not send that letter. Seriously. Unless you enjoy drama and engaging with an abuser and want to escalate things rather than just end it.

I have evidence. He is an abuser.

I’m absolutely sure that you do. I believe you.

There’s just no point in trying to make him see it. He won’t. Do what’s best for you.