Who gets the engagement ring?

[Ta77Blonde]

When a couple break up because the man was an abuser, who gets the engagement ring?

I suppose. He'd probably expect a letter like that. Maybe just a blank page saying

Dear ,

Ring returned as promised

Me

That letter isn't closure but as you are so hurt you obviously cannot see that. He will see that letter and the time that you took to write it as a sign he still has control over you.

It is a ring , you say you want nothing to do with him and that he abused you. I would ring the solicitor and ask him why is he acting on what is covered under law. This will not cost you anything. You can then explain your side to the solicitor and return the ring via him, and not deal with your ex at all.

Sell it & give the money to a domestic violence charity. He cannot do anything legally because it was a gift. Be a nice kick in the teeth to lose a few grand to a charity combating people like him. Then get something in place to stop him contacting you ever

Im dealing with this through his solicitor. Should I ask him why he is trying to pursue the ring when the law states it is a gift?

Dearxxxx
Here's your ring

There is nothing in the letter he doesn't know already. He didn't care then and he won't care now. In fact it will have the opposite effect and he will be overjoyed that you are still hooked into the scenario and thinking of him. It opens a dialogue where he will refute your 'version' of events and you will be drawn into defending the truth.
Return to solicitor and get receipt. Don't even bother to tell him you've done it.
Closure here is having no contact with him and that letter is prompting contact.

there are pretty stringent laws in place to deal with stalkers so I suggest you use those and deal with this man properly

you won't win in a "i don't care that you don't care" "it's mine, not yours" mindgames war ...and that letter of yours plays right into the category of drama and mindgames.

Ignore the twat and move on, do not engage with him under any circumstances other than official legal channels. Give him enough rope and he will hang himself.

Dear x,

I no longer have the ring. As it was a gift to myself i am legally entitled to do with it as i wish.

Regards.

Just give it back. Any fight from you will just feed what he's got going on in his head. Time to starve the fucker.

I think the only message you need send is

'I have today lodged the ring with X&Co Solicitors (or other suitable intermediary) and you can collect from there at your convenience"

Instruct the intermediary to have him sign for it.

The letter isn’t closure, you come across as bitter and filled with drama about the whole thing.

Short and sweet silence torments people like him, it leaves you in control. Don’t play table tennis of words with a dickhead.

He and his solicitor already know the law. He, his solicitor and you know why he is pursuing the ring return
It's to goad you, and it's working! You can't change his actions, just your reactions.

Send it to the solicitor though.

Normally I'd say keep it but in this I'd say give it back so he can't bother you anymore.
Good luck

Can I question the solicitors actions?

Tell him you chucked it in the river/off a cliff/in the ocean. It just don't respond. If you respond he'll know he's found you and if you're trying to stay off his radar then this could be dangerous. Safety first.

@NonJeNeRegretteRien: Say you lost it.
Then sell it and buy yourself something nice.

This. Or say you flushed it down the loo like the piece of shit it reminds you of. You won't want to keep it.

But don't send that long letter you posted upthread. A letter that starts with a declaration of having no feelings and then goes of for several paragraphs describing feelings just doesn't work.

Traditionally the woman would always keep the ring as having been engaged she would be seen as sub-prime on the marriage market and would need some extra capital either as additional dowry or to set herself up for life as an old maid.

But also consider returning it.
Thought experiment: imagine he never gave you a ring. Now imagine as part of the divorce settlement you are given a choice - receive £X along with the assurance that you would never have to see, hear from or speak to him ever again, or receive £X+£10k with the knowledge he would initiate contact occasionally. Which would you choose?

If the former then see if he will agree to sign a contract of absolute no-contact - with financial penalties if he breaks it.

The solicitor was told by me that I have informed the police as to him stalking me and that I didn't want him knowing where I live. He sent the letter to my Fathers address.

Just give it back and be done. In his mind your letter says you want to keep the argument going and keep some sort of contact.

Hi OP
Regarding the letter - keep it for yourself. Don't send it to him.
Are you aware there's a location mentioned in it?
Didn't realise you had 3 children (one of whom is yours/his). I hope you have personal strength, and support in RL - as returning the engagement ring isn't simply going to bring closure.

By all means write a cathartic letter and tear it up. But never send it to him. There’s no need to engage with him any further, however hard that feels at the moment, it will be better in the long run.

As long as it's not breaking the law, solicitors will send any letter they are instructed to, immoral as that letter maybe.
Just return to solicitor, get receipt, don't bother to tell ex. Distract yourself with doing something nice for yourself, don't let this reopen pain and anger.

I'd sell it & invest it in your children accounts.

Firstly, that letter is not a libel because it's addressed to him so any defamatory comment is not being published to a third party

Secondly, AuntieStella has it. Pick your battles.

Thirdly, just about everyone has it - don't engage. He has lost control so is trying to exert control by other means. To reply substantively like that is giving him what he wants.

In Scotland you do have to return an engagement ring. In England and Wales you don't (unless it was given conditionally). I don't know about N Ireland.

I think you have 2 choices -
Sell it and donate to a DV charity. Write to solicitor to say you are under no legal obligation to return it and it has been sold and the proceeds donated to xxx charity. Then go on to say
Your client is stalking and harassing me. He has been seen driving around the area in which I now live, where he has no reason to be other than locating my address. He has also been seen driving past and/or loitering around my place of work at 6pm, the time I usually leave. [add details of anything else he's been doing]. This letter from you, with a baseless demand for the return of a gift, is yet another example of this stalking/harassment. Your client is committing an offence under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997.
I require your client to cease contacting me, to cease trawling the area where I live and to cease loitering around my workplace. If this behaviour continues then I will have no choice but to report it to the police for them to take appropriate action. I may also consider applying for a non-molestation injunction.

Yours faithfully

I've checked and the Protection from Harassment Act is enacted in NI.

You could of course keep the ring but I agree with PPs that you shouldn't. It gives him another reason to obsess about you. Never mind that he "won" this battle, it's irrelevant to the big battle which is getting him out of your life and erasing all memory of him.

I have asked for the letter to be removed as I didn't realise there was a location on it. Thanks!