Is my marriage really ending?

[Isitovernow]

I'm a big fan of MN & I think great advice is given. So hopefully some of you might have some thoughts on my situation...

My DH and I are married just over 1 year. We had a long on-off relationship before that. I've always loved him but in many ways, for me, he fell short...we are now married and I have that awful 'I see this if?' feeling. We haven't had sex in about three months and there is very little sexual interest on both sides. We are both physically fit, healthy & attractive but the spark is well and truly gone. We tried couples' counselling once before and my DH said never again.

On the plus side, my DH is reliable, he works very hard, he's loyal, I don't think he'd ever cheat, he cares about me and comes to all my family occasions (& I to his). I am attracted to him but I don't look up to him. He looks to me for a lot of guidance.

Even right now, we are on holidays in a lovely place and I'm secretly writing this while he sits on the toilet reading his iPad! He looked so excited to be going in there to do it too. We've been away alone a week and no sex.

I have tried talking to him numerous times about our difficulties or lack of sex. He just says 'yeah I know' and then changes the subject. He often mentions having children too!

I'm confused! Does this sound like a marriage on its last legs to you or is it the best I can do?

Hello OP. I've name changed for this as my ex still reads Mumsnet. I'm another one who married my best friend. Similarly to you, I always felt sexually unfulfilled. I wanted wild adventurous sex and he was just not up for it. We did manage to conceive and once the child was here leaving became more and more difficult, and I became more and more frustrated.

However I simply couldn't imagine my life without him so I ignored my feelings and kept going. I tried to find hobbies, go on great holidays, buy amazing outfits. But nothing made me happy. To put it in the crudest way, I just wanted a good fuck (or many for that matter).

Leaving him was the hardest thing I've ever done. Telling our child was heartbreaking. However several years down the line I can still see it was the best thing for both of us. He's met someone else and they seem happy. I'm in a very casual relationship and having the amazing sex I had been longing for. We are much happier and consequently our child is much happier. We are good co-parents.

I still look at my ex sometimes and feel extremely sad that it didn't work out. But waiting any longer would have been a huge mistake. You only get one life. Try to live it NOW.

Even if it takes you 5 years to be divorced, you can start living your life now. Give yourself a chance to meet the right person. You already know your current DH is not right for you. There's no point in prolonging the agony

I've kind of got it together a bit this past week so I have a strong feeling it's because of that that he's being nicer to me too.

Yes. He senses the changes, and he doesn't like it a bit. He wants to keep things just as they are - it's much more comfortable for him.

The thing is, I get sucked in. All it'll take is this 'niceness' and I'll get sucked in but the cycle will continue again. It'll go back to affection-less, attention-less behaviour again soon and temper.

No, you won't. Because now you know that the niceness is just a façade, and it's not remotely enough, and it won't last. And because you aren't willing to sacrifice your life just because you don't want to upset him temporarily.

No advice OP but good luck with whatever you decide.

OP I think the history you two have, and your habit - if you don't mind me saying this - of putting your desire to end things in quite tentative terms, is not helping in getting him to understand how serious you are. I think you need to tell him 'It's over' - not 'I'm really close to thinking it's over' or anything like that. State it as a fact, not something you're asking his permission for. It will be scary but necessary to get you to where you want to be.

@Finallysawlight Thanks for sharing that. It helps a lot to know someone in a very similar situation to mine did it and looking back, knows it was the right thing. I'm guessing, like my situation, that there was more to it than sex but I suppose, it's only when you're not having sex that you realise how important it is. I wouldn't consider my sex drive to be crazy high but it's the intimacy of it too that I'd love again.

@DistanceCall Thanks. Good to remind myself of the big picture and not just how I feel at any given moment (I've a tendency to do that...not great when wondering if you should be with someone forever).

@Golde Thanks. I woke up at 4am sweating with my heart pounding and all the blood had rushed to my hands and feet. I thought I felt fine but am obviously have a physiological response to all this thinking/worrying etc.

@Butterymuffin Thanks. You make a good point and the reality is I say it in tentative terms because, on some level, I'm still hoping that he'll see the light. I've some other life changes going on at the moment and a part of me feels like I just can't handle this again. I've broken up with this man three times, once when we were engaged and here I am married to him!

Your responses are helping me no end. I honestly think if I'd been on Mumsnet during my last break-up, I never would have gotten back with him but alas, there's no point looking back!

I agree with bastardkitty I don't think he is Mr Nice as why is he not bothered about your feelings?

He seems passive aggressive.

@lifebegins50 I know. He said he just can't handle it. The thing is, what he doesn't seem to realise, is that things just escalate more and more the more he ignores me.

Then I sometimes wonder as well if he just doesn't have the capacity. However, then I think back to when we broke up and he was capable of reflection and a level of kindness I didn't think possible. He even wrote me a letter.

It's a bit of a head fuck to be honest. Pardon my language.

I know I can't keep going on like this. It can't be this 'up and down.'

P.S. he can be more than passive aggressive. He can be full-on aggressive. He has a short fuse which bothers me. Everyone he knows knows it and it's a laughing point with his friends sometimes.

He's got great points too though. Take tonight, he cleaned up after dinner...the kitchen is spotless. I know that sounds like I'm clutching at straws (maybe?) but I just don't want to make out like he's a total prick.

Also, it's interesting you brought up Bastardkitty's post. I just re-read it. She said I care for him more than he cares for me. I can't think of how many times I've thought that. Then I wonder if it's just the love languages but really, I know it's more than that. I've had two good days with him now so I'm feeling more optimistic. I do know that 'two good days' (still no sex and even separate beds!) does not a happy marriage make.

Actually, it's good for your peace of mind that you've broken up once already and gone back. (I did it, too). Because it still doesn't work. So you can truthfully tell yourself that you tried, you made the effort, you gave the relationship every chance possible, and still it doesn't work.

I know that voice at the back of your head worrting that you are making a terrible mistake - because you have left and actually gone back, you have real evidence to answer yourself that no, you aren't. Because you've made every possible effort and still it won't work, so there's really no "What if?"

P.S. he can be more than passive aggressive. He can be full-on aggressive

The more you post the more you’re saying that confirms what myself and other posters said pages back. He’s abusive. And you probably knew this but you couldn’t/didn’t want to believe it and it’s perhaps why you said you hadn’t wanted to start a different kind of thread that would have people saying LTB.

Good luck today.

Take tonight, he cleaned up after dinner...the kitchen is spotless. I know that sounds like I'm clutching at straws (maybe?) but I just don't want to make out like he's a total prick

That’s what people do. They clean up after themselves. It’s no big deal that he cleaned the kitchen unless he sees it as women’s work and he was giving you a night off from the sink.

Do you think he has some Aspergers traits?

If he won’t listen to your feelings, how can things change? From what I have read he doesn’t want to change.

He must have an underlying issue, perhaps not known to you.

You are still young, and obviously don’t want a sexless marriage, I think you will end up feeling very resentful if you decide to stay in this marriage.

I have been married for nearly 25 years, my DH is my best friend and my lover. It’s possible to have both.

Sending you a hug OP 🤗 please do what’s right for you.

How did the room viewing go?

OP, he doesn't have to be a total prick for you to leave him. You can leave an excellent person because you are not in love with them / the relationship doesn't work / there is no sex / the sex is unsatisfying / you fall in love with someone else / you are bored / you don't want to be in a relationship / etc.

You don't need to justify leaving him. The fact that YOU are unhappy with him is justification enough.

That said, he doesn't sound remotely like an excellent person.

Thanks for all of that ladies.

Firstly, he's very good around the house. I mean, when I meet up with friends and they're moaning about their lazy husbands, I know that I'm lucky in that regard. He cares about the house and he's a 'hands-on' kind of person. I love that about him.

As for Aspergers, my brother and father have it so I'm pretty familiar with it. I don't think he's a classic case but he does have serious difficulties picking up on subtlety which came across in counselling. Some traits of it for sure. I've often spelled things out for him, though and he still doesn't pick it up. He's got dyslexia (undiagnosed but as clear as day) and that causes him a lot of frustration as he often get the words out and he's ferociously disorganised.

The room viewing is tonight. Am I crazy? I was afraid I'd chicken out but I should really go, shouldn't I? I woke up this morning feeling so lonely and scared and I don't say that lightly. I've always had fear of abandonment issues and while I've worked on them (a lot), break-ups are particularly difficult for me. I appreciate the support on here.

I am currently living with a very similar DH. He hasn't done anything terrible. He isn't abusive, he doesn't cheat, he isn't rude to me. However he is unhappy with his life and his unhappiness is bleeding into my life. We haven't had sex in months... Maybe once since February?? To be honest I no longer want to, the desire has gone. I don't hate him but I no longer love him as a wife should love a husband and I am 99% sure he feels the same. We discuss it occasionally but it isn't heated - there is no passion there to fight about it. We need to split but it costs money and it is a nuisance but I can see no other way to long term happiness. The idea of still being stuck together making each other miserable in 10 years time fills me with dread.

Best of luck for ditching yours!

Being alone is hard. Being lonely when you are with someone who is supposed to be your partner is much, much harder.

Go and see the room and take it if it suits you. If not, arrange another viewing. Fear is normal, and healthy, but you really cannot allow it to rule your life. The only life you will ever have.

I hope you liked the room. You are doing the right thing. It's just hard to realise that now but in years to come you will see it clearly

Thanks so much to you all...

I think of sex alone and it feels like such a problem. There's basically been an issue with ED since Day 1 and he told me it had been an issue in his previous ltr. Why exactly didn't I run a mile?

Anyhow, the room was okay, thanks. It's quite small and only one of the girls I'd be living with was there. If I were to take it, I'd really need to meet her first.

The only thing was they said as well as the sizeable deposit and month's rent upfront there was an extra €200 fee for moving in. They said the management company was tired of people moving in and out so they were charging a €200 fee. But I don't see why the new tenant would have to pay that...have any of you come across that before?

Thanks

P.S. I know why I didn't run a mile because sex isn't the be-all and end-all but now there are just so many other reasons why this isn't right. I can't believe I'm planning on leaving my husband after a year of marriage.

OP, it's JUST one year of marriage. Imagine how you will feel if you decide to leave him after having spent 10 years with him, flogging a dead horse.

Sex is not the be-all and end-all but it's a powerful indicator of compatibility and intimacy. And it's clear that this relationship is in no way fulfilling your needs. It's not fair on you - and it's not fair on him, either. You should both be with people more suited to who you are.

Thanks for your message. There's no way DH will accept that we're both better suited to other people. I've been a bit all over the place emotionally. I said to him tonight that I wasn't happy & might have to move out (I know, tentative as usual). He went quiet, then gave me a hug and said, 'you can't move out. You look too good.'

We rarely say I love you anymore.

I know it's only a 1 year marriage but it's a 9 year relationship & 10 year friendship. Feels like an investment.

Maybe I just need to take a break from all of this for a few weeks. I can't believe I viewed a room behind his back tonight.! Maybe I should tell him, but then he'll switch on the effort and I don't want that.