Is my marriage really ending?

[Isitovernow]

I'm a big fan of MN & I think great advice is given. So hopefully some of you might have some thoughts on my situation...

My DH and I are married just over 1 year. We had a long on-off relationship before that. I've always loved him but in many ways, for me, he fell short...we are now married and I have that awful 'I see this if?' feeling. We haven't had sex in about three months and there is very little sexual interest on both sides. We are both physically fit, healthy & attractive but the spark is well and truly gone. We tried couples' counselling once before and my DH said never again.

On the plus side, my DH is reliable, he works very hard, he's loyal, I don't think he'd ever cheat, he cares about me and comes to all my family occasions (& I to his). I am attracted to him but I don't look up to him. He looks to me for a lot of guidance.

Even right now, we are on holidays in a lovely place and I'm secretly writing this while he sits on the toilet reading his iPad! He looked so excited to be going in there to do it too. We've been away alone a week and no sex.

I have tried talking to him numerous times about our difficulties or lack of sex. He just says 'yeah I know' and then changes the subject. He often mentions having children too!

I'm confused! Does this sound like a marriage on its last legs to you or is it the best I can do?

I know it could be much worse with kids in tow & 10 years of marriage. I see what you're saying. Thanks. Just struggling at the mo.

Do you think he might be gay?

Why exactly didn't I run a mile?

Both your dad and your brother are on the spectrum and in my experience it can make people much more accepting of others and whilst you may notice something in an other person I think you can be less inclined to think too much if anything about it. And that’s a great thing but by the same token it does mean it can actually work to a persons detriment at times because it means they can be too understanding and too accepting. I wonder if a lot of things were just so normal to you because of your exposure to ASD you perhaps missed them as something to to think about.

Someone asked already about him being gay. It might sound like that based on what I've read here but I'm 100% sure he's not gay. I won't get in to all the reasons but he's definitely not.

Yeah, that's a good point. I don't think he has Asperger's syndrome but I do think he has some kind of issue arising from dyslexia and other frustrations. I end up feeling sorry for him and of course, feeling needed that I can help him so much. When we broke up the last time, he said it was very hard to cope without my support. He said he had been saying 'She'll know that' etc but then that was gone. I know that that sounds more like love than dependence.

I'm seeing my therapist tonight for the first time in a while and I can't wait. I'm going to go back every week for as long as I can afford but one session per week is hardly enough. I just don't know if I can go through the agony of a break-up with him all over again. I was very worried about how it looks to other people too but I don't see them crowding around me now, so I'm actively choosing not to worry about that.

*more like dependence than love

Glad you have some counselling support OP that is a really good move.
Feel for you as is obviously a really tough time.

Thanks @Snog. I'm wrecked from all of this to be honest.

Thanks @DistanceCall about the peace of mind bit. That is very true. When I broke off the engagement so early before and then subsequently met a load of assholes, I wondered if I had made an enormous mistake leaving my DH. I spent two and a half years looking for a mate with no success and then convinced myself that DH was the best I could do and was better than being alone. I feel so immature compared to my friends in terms of not having children or owning a house yet etc. and I'm aware that if I leave my DH (which is looking likely and makes me so sad and scared), I may never have children.

I regret not securing my own home when I was younger. I've decided I'd really rather live alone when I leave him but one-bed rentals are just prohibitively expensive. I'll keep looking though and hopefully I'll get lucky. It's just so sad that he knows (he really must) that it's ending, that I know it's ending and yet we're both in limbo....I say he must know, yet last night he started talking about how much he wants a baby!

Hello OP. I have been following this, as there are some similarities with my own current situation. Your situation makes me think of the following quote:

"Nothing will change until the fear of change is outweighed by the pain of staying the same."

I'm not sure if YOU are sure that the balance has been tipped just yet, but I really hope you are, and it has. Sadly, it does sound like you have given enough time hoping for things to change, but they still haven't.

Sending you courage :)

@CoconutQueen Oh thank you so much for sending me courage. I hope your situation improves too or you get the courage you need...whatever is appropriate. I need all the courage I can get.

The thing is DH is being like a model husband at the moment since he's seen how close I am to walking...he even suggested going for dinner tomorrow night to this restaurant I like (he didn't even do that for my birthday). I do know though that he's being so nice out of his own fear that I'll leave. That's not necessarily good enough. If we go for dinner, it'll just be about the food and drink. We really have so little to say to one another and so little in common. Sometimes I cringe when we're around others and he's shiting on about something that has no punchline.

My counsellor was excellent and he said not to make any rash decisions. I spent a lot of time crying in the session so I suppose he might think I'm not in the strongest place right now to make such a huge decision for me. There's another house viewing tonight and I'm not sure if I'll go or not.

Anaïs Nin - “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

You will know when you're ready OP.
Wishing you strength, courage and clarity in your decisions.

and I'm aware that if I leave my DH (which is looking likely and makes me so sad and scared), I may never have children

It's more likely if you stay with him you still won't have children. You certainly can't get pregnant with no sex!

@milestoneBD Thanks. That's a beautiful quote. I must frame it somewhere.

@MrsMooks yes, that's very, very true. It hurts me to admit that I actually don't think I want to have children with him. I feel terribly guilty about that but it's how I feel.

Based on what you have said, I think he may like the idea of children more than the reality, or alternatively he is expressing a desire for children to keep you in the relationship. If you go ahead, be prepared you may be parenting pretty much alone but because you are in a couple relationship you will not get the support you might were you a single parent.

Thanks for contributing. I think DH would be a good, hands-on father in terms of doing things with children etc. I think in terms of a healthy parenting strategy and tending to the children's emotional needs, I would have to do 100% of that as he's pretty clueless in that regard.

My sister said today, after I spoke with her, that I should simply ask DH to stop shouting (as if I haven't done that close to 1000 times to date) and then 'work on things.' I really feel like I've been trying to work on things. My counsellor thinks unless DH gets good, effective therapy too, nothing could change.

My sister reminded me that we only married a year ago, as if I don't already know. I mean, if one of the people I'm closest to has this attitude, what the hell are other people going to think? It feels like the opposite of support. She just doesn't have a clue about the day-to-day reality of my life.

DH said this morning that he's trying now so it'd be nice if I didn't remind him of when he wasn't (every day since we got married up to a week ago).

I just feel so alone. I really do. All of my friends have their own problems. They really do. Some have bigger problems than mine so I need to be there for them and it just feels like there's no-one to talk to.

Hi there. I am sorry to hear what you're going through. I have similar problems except we are going to couple's counselling now and I feel like I need to remind DH constantly of what changes we both agreed to or it goes backwards (at least I fear it will).

I am reminded in counselling not to do this though as it doesn't give DH the opportunity to maintain the changes himself IYSWIM.

A poster on a similar thread last year recommended a book about living a half life of limbo/ambivalence called too good to leave too bad to stay. I am re-reading it a year after promising myself I wouldn't stay another Christmas if I felt as ambivalent.

You're not alone.

Thanks. I read that book while we were broken up. I suppose I should re-read it. I sort of resent even reading another book. I feel like I'm making all of the effort. My sister seems to think I'm not putting enough effort in. Meanwhile, DH thinks he can take me out to dinner once and then everything's cool. I really wish he wanted to end things too. Even though that'd hurt, at least it'd hurt him less.

I agree completely about not reminding DH constantly. That's been our dynamic and that's exactly what my therapist advised too. If they can't do these things on their own, what's the point?

Do you think there's hope for ye? If so, the very very best of luck to ye. It'd be lovely to think things were mendable.

It's good your DH was willing to go to therapy.

Good morning.

I know what you mean. Reading that particular book again wouldn't be for your relationship though, it would be for you. It's a self help/'gain clarity' book remember. I am definitely not prepared to read more articles/books/posts about what I can do to improve our marriage because that doesn't redress the imbalance of whose (not) doing the work; it would make me feel more resentful and alone if I did even more.

I don't know if this is relevant to your situation but ultimately in counselling I have been told it takes two and I need to sit back and stop doing his share of working on/thinking about/worrying over our marriage as well as my own! That he has to start trying to meet my needs of his own volition. Then the issue becomes is he a) willing and b) able.

Time will tell. I have no idea if we'll get there. I love him very much but love isn't enough sometimes.

@Haireverywhere

Well it sounds like you're on to a good counsellor there who has picked up on the reality of the situation.

I hear you. I'll read the book again for myself. I spent all day yesterday worrying about & thinking about our marriage. Such a waste of a day off.

I hope your DH comes through.

Isitover I would point out to your sister that you are doing all the work on your marriage and your DH is doing none - refusing to go to counselling, doesn't want to be upset, doesn't want to address sex issue.

Effectively she doesn't want to split up because it would upset her - you being with your DH is normal for her, you moving out upsets her norm. She isn't really your best port of call on this one.

Thank you OP. You too.

I spoke to a friend today who reflected back to me how much progress seems to have been made in talking about the issues since we started counselling.

I really hope that your DH can see that the underlying issues (whatever they are) need to be addressed for you two to be happy long term and counselling is a start at least.

I agree with the PP in that if you can't even talk about the issues because of "off the table itis" things are going to remain stuck or only improve in the short term. Your family aren't in your marriage however much they care for you.

OP I'm 14 years ahead of you, with a mortgage and children. Please just end it. This is far easier to walk away from. You sound unhappy in every single post. You don't want to to be with him. Please don't talk yourself into staying just because he is making a small effort. His small efforts will not change your feelings. I wish MN had been around for me years ago.

If this was your sister or friend what would you be telling to do ?

Walk away now. You do not respect him and he is argumentative. He will never change. Do you want to bring children into such an environment ? He is not abusive physically, but from what you have said he is emotionally abusive. You may be able to deal with that behaviour but your children will not. I feel for you , but as you have no children together please move on. He will never change , but you still can have a wonderful life.

It shouldn't be this hard. That is the simple way of looking at it. The person you are married to should want the best for you, should support you, hear you, make you laugh, feel loved, feel respected. With every post you write it is so clear that your husband does none of those things.

There is no shame in saying this is not working for you and ending it properly.

You only have one shot at life and you are wasting yours on a man who is ultimately not even your friend.

Time to pull up your big girl pants, stop prevaricating and go out on your own. Be on your own, learn from this and you can have a happy fulfilled, equally loving relationship with someone else.

At the moment and as long as you stay you will only have half a marriage - you do all the emotional work and he IS NOT EVEN WILLING to do a small amount.

You are wasting your very precious years.

OP he IS abusive. It is there for us all to see. He does just enough to keep your hand off the door handle and no more. He is playing you like a dime store banjo.

My old Dad used to say to me, "Unless you jump, you can't land". You have to stop worrying about him and his. He doesn't give a tinkers rap about your feelings. You have to fundamentally change how you think about him and be a hell of a lot more selfish. Be as selfish as he is and carve out a life for yourself. In a couple of years you will look back and wonder WTF you were thinking staying as long as you did otherwise.