Is my marriage really ending?

[Isitovernow]

I'm a big fan of MN & I think great advice is given. So hopefully some of you might have some thoughts on my situation...

My DH and I are married just over 1 year. We had a long on-off relationship before that. I've always loved him but in many ways, for me, he fell short...we are now married and I have that awful 'I see this if?' feeling. We haven't had sex in about three months and there is very little sexual interest on both sides. We are both physically fit, healthy & attractive but the spark is well and truly gone. We tried couples' counselling once before and my DH said never again.

On the plus side, my DH is reliable, he works very hard, he's loyal, I don't think he'd ever cheat, he cares about me and comes to all my family occasions (& I to his). I am attracted to him but I don't look up to him. He looks to me for a lot of guidance.

Even right now, we are on holidays in a lovely place and I'm secretly writing this while he sits on the toilet reading his iPad! He looked so excited to be going in there to do it too. We've been away alone a week and no sex.

I have tried talking to him numerous times about our difficulties or lack of sex. He just says 'yeah I know' and then changes the subject. He often mentions having children too!

I'm confused! Does this sound like a marriage on its last legs to you or is it the best I can do?

@3luckystars Thanks. I'd love to think this could be salvaged. You're right. He's not a bad guy. In many ways, he's a great guy but it's been very difficult to be married to him. The main issue is that he ignores me when I tell him anything that has upset me with the relationship.

When I talk to him about other life issues (work etc), he just says, 'don't worry about it.' It's like he's just not very engaged. He's a practical person and right now, his focus is us buying a house but he wants to buy it where it suits him and won't compromise on location.

There's also a slight problem with his temper. I really didn't want to get in to this as I don't want everyone shouting 'abuse!' He is a good guy, he's a nice person, he doesn't control me or what I do but he does have a temper. It just means it can be very difficult to talk to him and I'm not in the least bit afraid of him but when he goes off, I feel silenced and frankly, bored. I've always known he has a temper but now that we're married, it's like he couldn't be bothered controlling it. People of 35 years of age should be able to air their grievances without resorting to shouting all the time. That's not the only issue though and like I said, he's not controlling me and I'm not afraid of him. It's just one of many current issues.

I do know what you mean about friends and family though. No-one could ever satisfy every need. I make a huge effort to stay in contact with friends and family. We all know what's it like though. Everyone is so busy and wrapped up in their own lives, especially at this stage of life with young children.

Counselling could be worth a shot but you know, I feel like I'm the only one fighting for this marriage. At no point has he even said he's worried about things...not when he came home from work six months ago to me bawling crying saying 'I'm afraid this will end' and not when I wrote him a 25 page letter more or less saying divorce could be our only option if we don't sort out our issues. Things really have not been good and they haven't been for a very long time. I think the marriage gave us a temporary boost but it all came crashing down afterwards, the very next day to be specific. I do think that I'd hate to ever look back and wonder if I made a mistake so maybe couples' counselling would be a good idea, if only to ease the transition in to singledom for us both. I still worry about him even though he really is quite a resilient, practical person.

I do appreciate your responses. I'm finding this all very tough and I'm annoyed at myself for not having a better sense of foresight.

@AnchorDownDeepBreath I had to google the sunken costs fallacy.

The Sunk Cost Fallacy. The Misconception: You make rational decisions based on the future value of objects, investments and experiences. The Truth: Your decisions are tainted by the emotional investments you accumulate, and the more you invest in something the harder it becomes to abandon it.

Oh my God! That's essentially what's happened. I'm in so deep, I don't know how to climb out without pulling a load of rubble up with me.

Sorry; the end of the thread didn't load - I see you've already seen that.

Best of luck

cross post - I'm doing so well today

I hope it helps a bit to be able to pinpoint what you're doing. It's natural; but that's the reason for your discomfort and worry. It's not instinct.

Off and on doesn't make for a permanent committment.

Have you stopped to think maybe you wasted the last 8 years trying to patch it up with this person? You were never fully into the relationship and neither was he.

Nothing has changed except perhaps now you're waking up to the realisation that maybe this isn't what you want for the rest of your life. A sort of half life. Half in, half out, shake it all about..

@Rednaxela Yeah it's true! Not such a great basis for a relationship when there's a history of break-ups. I asked him why he thinks we broke up 3 times and he jokingly said 'you!' because I was the one to end it each time. A part of me wishes he hand't taken me back. The last time we broke up we had been engaged for a week. Then I broke it off. Then we got back together. And here we are, having the time of our lives!

Do you think there could be someone else op?

@Moominfan I really don't think so. One of the things I love about him is his loyalty. I don't think either of us would cheat. Also, his schedule is fairly busy and I don't see how he'd manage to get the time to fit in another woman!

I have a viewing for a room on Wednesday. Eek. There will be a lot of demand for the room so they may not accept me (especially when they find out the situation I'm in). It feels like betrayal to be looking at rooms behind DH's back but I think it's the best option. It'll give us both some physical and emotional space. Scared as hell.

You can do this. Thousands of women leave their partners, often with children in tow. If they can leave, survive and live happily so can you.

This is your one and only shot at life. The problems you are having lots of people face after years of marriage and kids. Your future problems with him may we'll be so much worse if this is your starting point.

I've left twice. The relief was immense. All the prevarication was worse than once I had made the decision.

You don't need to convince him of the reasons it's not working. You need to accept it's not working and go and find your happiness.

How did ye do this?

I did it after a lifetime because I knew it was what I had to do. Its not something that gives me much joy in the sense Ive never jumped up and down and said thank god I got rid of the bastard. It is what it is and whilst Im happy I can honestly say there are still days where Im sad but if i had stayed with my still husband (we're not divorced and never will be due to some legal things we have to take into account) I'd be a whole lot more sad every day of the week.

I actually took 2 years to end things between us ( and they are very much ended despite there being no divorce) and once we did separate I was diagnosed with reactive depression and was on medication for 18 months. Ive also had extensive counselling.

There's an old saying that goes along the line of when money problems come in the door love goes out the window. My situation was that when wealth beyond our wildest dreams came in the door love flew out the window. My husband changed beyond all recognition and apart from what its meant in terms of one of our children who I can have at home with me because of a 24 hours a day care team consisting of 6 carers on shifts the money has been a curse. And no, it wasn't a lottery win. It was and still is all down to very successful business. There's very little I still respect my husband for but when it comes to that part of our situation I cant fault him. I can very easily not muddy the waters but there is no getting away from the fact he makes and awful rich person.

Do I still love my husband? Yes. We were very good together for a very very long time. Could I/would I ever want to live with him again? No. For the simple reason that who and what he now is makes that impossible for me. Liking him is very difficult.

Would I ever have him back? Yes. If he was ill and needed looking after. Id do that for him (as well as my adult children and myself) even though in every sense of the word we are well and truly over.

Its very hard to explain what happiness can mean and that it doesn't have to mean jumping up and down with glee and saying thank god I go rid of him. Im not that person but I am happy.

I have a viewing for a room on Wednesday

Well done

OP, see this as cutting your losses. The longer you stay in this relationship, the more you will lose (time, opportunities, wellbeing, emotional health).

Right now, it's as if you were dragging a very heavy load tied to you. As soon as you end it, you cut it off. And you're able to run free.

For now, concentrate on finding a place to rent. And we're all here for you

@PollyFinderz Thanks for sharing your story.

@DistanceCall I suppose you're right. I still feel very guilty but I have to validate my own feelings. My therapist warned against going against a gut instinct and my gut's been off on this relationship for a long time.

The crazy thing is that DH seems to think we're indestructible even though just this morning I said I was 'this' close to leaving. He never takes what I say seriously, then I feel guilty when he's distraught at a break-up.

Your husband doesn't want to listen to what you have to say because he's comfortable where he is. He wants to be married - he doesn't particularly want to be married to you (if he did, he would listen to you, and care about your wellbeing, and consider your own preferences when buying a house, and so on).

When I was with my ex, I once tried to tell him about a sexual thing that was important to me at that time. When I started to tell him, he said, literally, "Stop. I don't want to hear it."

That's when I knew that there was no relationship. He wanted a girlfriend. He didn't want me.

Thanks for sharing. I cannot understand how he doesn't want to compromise on things. He keeps saying that he needs to live his life but his plans are all his. They're not ours and when I state my case, he doesn't budge.

Yet one thing I know for sure, if I broke up with him tomorrow, he'd suddenly suggest compromising and doing whatever it is I've been needing. That's what he did in the past. I, in my naivete, went back to him but then he reverts to this and so the cycle continues...

That can't have been nice when your husband just said 'stop' etc. I mean, being listened to (even if they don't agree) is surely the most basic tenet of a loving relationship.

Thanks for the kind words too. My God, this website is such a lifeline. If I had been on here 10 ten years ago, maybe I wouldn't be in the situation I'm now. But anyhow, we are where we are now and we cannot turn back the clock. Thanks a lot for the kindness.

Fingers crossed the room is fine and they like you. You don’t have to tell them anything you think will ‘put them off’, it’s really none of their business. As long as you pay the rent & follow the rules, your private life is just that - private.

You need to stop clutching at straws. A PP poster completely missed ALL of the reasons he’s NOT a good man & said you should work on it instead - you grabbed that like a life saving ring. Despite knowing all too well she’s wrong.

He’s selfish & wants the ‘image’ of being married, without the actual participation.

He doesn’t listen, because he doesnt care, is the bottom line.

It’s hard to say the words, but once you have, the relief will be immense.

YOU know what you have to do, just do it and do NOT listen to any of his BS. NOTHING WILL CHANGE.

@AnnieAnoniMoose Thank you so much. It would be great if the room was suitable. Good point. I suppose they don't need to know I'm married and separated, although they may well ask. People are pretty nosey where I live!

It has been very difficult and you're right about that PP. I do that. I love to imagine things are different. I started this thread thinking DH was my best friend but now I really wonder...he has coerced me in to getting back with him in the past with false promises that he didn't follow through on. During our last break-up, he told me he stopped making the effort because he knew I was a 'sure thing.' We are very honest with one another so it needs to be read in that context, but God, that's not what love is, surely.

He is good to me in many ways though. He's really not the worst and by God, I've read some horror stories on Mumsnet.

Despite all of that though, I don't want to hurt him. His life hasn't been a bed of roses either and the last thing I want to do is hurt him.

You won't hurt him. On the contrary. Staying with someone knowing fully well that you're not right for each other is doing them no favours. You both deserve to be with someone who really is your partner, not just a comfortable arrangement (which is actually not comfortable at all).

@PollyFinderz Thanks for sharing your story

I think it’s important you know there doesn’t have to be a sense of ‘thank god im getting rid of the bastard’ when a person leaves a marriage. Other people can think that for you but you don’t have to. And no, a person not feeling that way is not an indication that a marriage isn’t that bad.

I just got on with it very quietly and so did my adult children. In fact it was a couple of years before a wider circle of people outside of close family and friends knew of our new situation. Me and the children really just put our heads down and got each other through it and here we are 5 years later very much in the land of the living and enjoying life.

There’s been no fanfare and that’s ok because there doesn’t actually have to be.

Thanks a million for the responses.

@DistanceCall That's a fair point about 'comfortable arrangement' that isn't even comfortable. DH wants to buy a house even though he knows the location really wouldn't suit me. When I put this to him tactfully, he said, 'I have to live my life.' I feel it should be 'our' life.

I'm terrified of all of this. I've been reading up about co-dependency and I do think I have some of the traits of it. There has to be a reason why I'd keep going back to a relationship that I knew wasn't right. I suppose, there was a certain comfort in being with someone all right. Now I wish I had stayed alone and not gotten married! You live and you learn, eh! Does anyone feel like you're tired of learning all these lessons?

They may well ask, but you don’t have to tell them, practice some things such as ‘I’m single’. They’d have to be pretty offensive to ask again, but if they do, you can just repeat ‘Thanks for asking, but I’m single’. Thanking them for asking throws people and makes it very difficult for them to reask. (This does highlight the, still, very different attitudes between Ireland and being Ebpngksnd, here, very very few people would care about your marital status).

He made empty promises to get you back previously. Don’t forget fall for that again.

‘I stopped making the effort because you’re a sure thing’. Bloody hell. You say you’re both honest, and that’s great, so when he TOLD you tgat, you really shouldn’t have got back together with him...but I assume he’s he promised it would be different now...🙄 and like most of the rest of us have done in the past, you believed him.

He’s not your best friend & I know that really, really hurts hear/think x. But he’s not. Your best friend would want you to do what’s right for YOU, even if it was hard for them. HE wants the opposite, he wants what’s best for him, sod how you feel.

Of course he’s good to you in some ways, or you wouldn’t stay. Most people are good/nice some of the time.

Of course you don’t want to hurt him, but you have given him PLENTY of opportunities to avoid being hurt, he refused to listen or act when he’s been given the chance to. You cannot sacrifice the rest of your life for someone who wont help themselves.

Ever single day you put off the inevitable (and it is inevitable), you have one less day to meet a man who you are compatible with, who really adores you and you really adore & who you CAN have a family with. You are self sabotaging. You will meet someone else, but even if you didn’t, being single is still far better than being lonely in a relationship. Being single you have hope, being alone in a relationship you only have despair and immense sadness.

Does anyone feel like you're tired of learning all these lessons?

Fuck me, yes.

I wish I’d had MN when I was learning most of them! I would have avoided many of the pitfalls. My posts on here are based on the saying ‘If I can’t be an example, PLEASE let me be a lesson!

Thanks for that. It is painful to think he just loves me for the way in which I can serve his needs. That's very very good advice which I must re-read again and again.

Yes, I was a chump for ever getting back with a man who told me I was a 'sure thing.' An absolute chump and I'm embarrassed about that. I have a tendency to forget when he's being nice.

He came home today and gave me a hug and a kiss. I actually said, 'who is this guy?' Seriously, it was kind of weird. He was all smiles and being really nice. It made me wonder what was going on. He hasn't done that in ages. Maybe my saying 'I'm this close to leaving the marriage' on Sunday morning sunk in...

The thing is, I get sucked in. All it'll take is this 'niceness' and I'll get sucked in but the cycle will continue again. It'll go back to affection-less, attention-less behaviour again soon and temper.

I couldn't imagine making love to him now. He got very angry with me recently over my eating habits and my not exercising. I was eating more unhealthy food (as was he!)...I go through phases and can be extreme. In fairness, it probably is difficult for him. I'm not overweight though. I've kind of got it together a bit this past week so I have a strong feeling it's because of that that he's being nicer to me too.