Is my marriage really ending?

[Isitovernow]

I'm a big fan of MN & I think great advice is given. So hopefully some of you might have some thoughts on my situation...

My DH and I are married just over 1 year. We had a long on-off relationship before that. I've always loved him but in many ways, for me, he fell short...we are now married and I have that awful 'I see this if?' feeling. We haven't had sex in about three months and there is very little sexual interest on both sides. We are both physically fit, healthy & attractive but the spark is well and truly gone. We tried couples' counselling once before and my DH said never again.

On the plus side, my DH is reliable, he works very hard, he's loyal, I don't think he'd ever cheat, he cares about me and comes to all my family occasions (& I to his). I am attracted to him but I don't look up to him. He looks to me for a lot of guidance.

Even right now, we are on holidays in a lovely place and I'm secretly writing this while he sits on the toilet reading his iPad! He looked so excited to be going in there to do it too. We've been away alone a week and no sex.

I have tried talking to him numerous times about our difficulties or lack of sex. He just says 'yeah I know' and then changes the subject. He often mentions having children too!

I'm confused! Does this sound like a marriage on its last legs to you or is it the best I can do?

Thanks for the advice on how to end it because he does not take me seriously. I always say 'I think we should go our separate ways' or I ask him if we should. That's a good point about simply saying it. I'm scared shitless.

I still have nightmares that I haven't told him and am still in a relationship with him and it fills me with dread having to tell him AGAIN!

Really, the part before you tell him, and when you tell him, and immediately afterward are the worst, but it's soon over. Don't tell him "I think" anything. Tell him, kindly but firmly that it's over.

It's never a pleasant thing, but it doesn't have to be horrible. If he's a relatively nice and normal person, he'll get upset, and that's OK. Just remember it's not your job to comfort him - tell him you will always be his friend if he wants, but you are getting a divorce.

We didn't live together, so it was easier. If you live together, start thinking about the logistics of it.

If you tell him it's over you don't have to move out immediately. Move into another bedroom. You are married, you have rights. Don't panic x

The problem is his mother owns the house we live in. She's our landlady...I think I'd need to be fairly ready to move out when I tell him as a result. I feel sick to the stomach about this but I know I have to do it. I've thought of divorce every single day for the past six months. I think my therapist has run out of angles to look at this from already.

Have you had legal advice, OP?

No, I haven't had legal advice. I suppose I haven't gotten that 'serious' about it yet but I'm heading in that direction. I suppose that'd be the best next step.

I don't want anything of his. I'd love a clean break to be honest but I need a roof over my head too.

Actually, in a way it's good that your MIL owns the house - there is no mortgage to divide, or property to sell, and you won't feel guilty for leaving him homeless or anything like that.

Get legal advice and start planning for your future, OP. This is the worst bit, it really is.

Two things stood out to me about your post.

The first was that you have got married after being together for 8 years. And TBH you sound like a couple that have been together 8 years - best friends, know each other inside out, sex has calmed down a lot.

Eight years into the relationship, most people would have the kids already - but for you, you have just got married and it is a massive disappointment. Instead of being like newly weds and crazy about each other, you are just getting more of the same.

So secondly, you get married and then talk about kids. He definitely seems to want them. But there is this giant problem he doesn't seem to be facing up to which is no sex=no kids.

Actually he has an even bigger problem which is that he has ED. Presumably you have not addressed this so he has been allowed to put his head in the sand - which was OK because sexual problems are mortally embarrassing. But it's all coming to a crisis now - you both want TTC, no sex is happening, it's a mess.

Saying he won't do counselling isn't good enough this time round. And he will need to address his sexual probs or he is just pulling you along with his talk of wanting children. He has to do something.

Don't tell your husband you are taking legal advice. Say nothing to anyone! You aren't in a hurry. Take your time. Play the long game. You can do this. You need to secure your future before you say a word.

You probably think oh he's not the worst, he won't see me homeless etc. Prepare yourself because generally speaking things can go to s**t for a while.

The ED was a bit of a shock & disappointment initially but it's just become my normal now. It sucks.

We really are better as friends. We went out tonight with a friend. The whole evening was lovely & fine until I needed him to be a husband. I won't bore ye with the story but in short, he just wasn't thinking of my feelings or listening to me at all. We're too late in the day for friendship.

This is divorce territory all right. So sad and don't know how I'll get through this alone.

but I need a roof over my head too

It can be a room in a shared house.

The problem is his mother owns the house we live in

This is anything but a problem. It will in fact make the whole process easier in practical terms.

I think my therapist has run out of angles to look at this from already

Im not surprised. It can be very difficult for them to bring things down to a very basic level of understanding time and time and time again.

So sad and don't know how I'll get through this alone

Yes its sad but your procrastinating is making your sadness worse when the reality is that you are in an ideal situation to be able to do this. You're talking to a therapist about it, you're talking to us here, its just all talking when the reality is that in practical terms this could be as simple as you packing a bag and moving into a shared house a few weeks from now.

You need to secure your future before you say a word

I dont understand the advice people have given for the Op to see a lawyer. There's aren't any children involved and her landlady is her MIL so there's no mortgage/house to sort out. Just what does she need legal advice on?

So sad and don't know how I'll get through this alone

You wont be alone. You've mentioned your family who you seem close enough to that you attend family events. But even without family you'd get through this because its just what people do. Granted you could decide to not let yourself get through it but what a waste of a life that would be, to bury yourself alive at a young age because you'd perhaps feel there's a certain attraction to being the poor woman who never got over the breakdown of her marriage ( even though it was the best thing for her)

Perhaps seeing a lawyer will help OP realise how simple it is when there's no property or DC involved? You simply walk away......

My family all live very far away.

I made enquiries about rooms in houses yesterday. No response yet. A friend of mine is on her boss's couch because there was so much demand for any of the rooms she viewed. I'm more flexible on location so hopefully it'll be okay.

I plan on seeing a family solicitor as I need to understand the legal side of it. Since the marriage is short, we may even qualify for an annulment. I know chances of that are very slim though. I said on another thread that I wasn't Irish because I know friends of mine look at MN & I was afraid they'd recognise me. But I'm Irish and to divorce here you need to be separated for 4 out of the previous 5 years first. So I won't be divorced for 5 years if I can't qualify for an annulment.

The only grounds I could see for an annulment is the ED (pretty big issue in fairness) but he wouldn't agree to that and I genuinely don't want to hurt him. So it's unlikely...

I don't know much about annulments but i would have thought since intercourse can be achieved, that wouldn't be grounds. But who knows. I think a friend had her marriage annulled due to lack of conception but there were specific issues that might have been relevant to that.

@annandale My feeling is it'll have to be a divorce which will be a long road. I think evidence of living apart is needed (bills etc), so while, yes, I can just walk away, legally I'll be married to him for many, many years.

I said to him this morning: 'I'm this close to walking away from this marriage' and as usual, I don't think he thought I meant it. This is all starting to sink in. I need to take my time with this because I know from my own experience, if I'm too hasty, I'll go back.

The thing is that even if you can’t divorce straight away and are still legally tied to him you can still be getting on with your own life.

Yes see a solicitor to sort it all out in your head though. It’s a good idea.

I did a 2 year separation, with a no-fault divorce 2 years after (in Scotland) - however- emotionally I was able to move on as soon as we parted. It was a huge relief, even if we weren't divorced.

Thanks.

I can't tell ye how much I admire you all. How did ye do this? I just vomited in the bathroom and have been having dizzy spells. That's how nervous I am about all of this. I keep imagining how he's feeling & how he'll feel but I know, this time, I have to think about how I feel.

I'll be honest & say that I was in a bit of a state after my marriage ended. I had difficulty eating & sleeping, and lost weight. But I knew it was the right thing to do & just slogged on.

It sounds like you still feel responsible for him & need to disengage emotionally. You need to concentrate on yourself, building up a support network for your new start.

@ProseccoThyme Thanks for being honest. A lot has gone on in my life the past few years and I'm not really sure if I can handle another bout of emotional upheaval but I know there's no easy way out of this.

I keep wondering if there's any way to salvage things but it's incredible just how many reasons there are to leave. He came home from work last night and I was sad, I suppose. Instead of asking me about that, he just went on and on (angrily) about how the house wasn't tidy enough (it's a bit messy after being away on hols). Then when we went out, he completely ignored what I had said to him and put me in a mega awkward position in front of his friend. Why do I feel so much loyalty to someone who repeatedly makes me feel shitty?

I do need to 'disengage emotionally' and I need to climb out of this hole I feel I'm in. I haven't been exercising or eating well and it's showing. I've broken out in acne (first time since I was a teenager) and I feel sick all the time. I know that only I can change this. I'm just scared.

Oh i wont lie to you, i was clinically depressed after i left my xh and went on antidepressants for six months. It was pretty miserable. I knew it would be, which wss why it took me so long to decide to go. In between, i had the very happiest day of my life when i knew i was free. It was al quite extreme. Never regretted it personally.

@annandale You see that's my problem. When I feel that down when I'm away from him, I convince myself that I'll feel happier with him. He has said to me when I told him I was unhappy with the marriage, that I was unhappy when we took a break and he's right. I know I can't expect all of you to have the answers but how do you reason it out in your head that you're down but it's not because you made the wrong decision. I mean, I know that this marriage is doomed and the relationship has been for a long time BUT I also know that the alternative to this might not make me happier.

Thanks so much for the responses. I'll be better tomorrow when I get back to work. I probably have too much time on my hands this weekend to be thinking about all of this.

Sex isn't our only issue but on paper, I've a good thing going. Yet, even on holiday, I feel sad and like this isn't how married life should be. 

You don't have a good thing going on paper. You've got a friend; maybe, but even then you find conversations with him unsatisfying.

You're falling for the sunken costs fallacy.

I hope I haven't missed any of your posts, but it doesn't sound like he is a bad guy, things have just gone off the boil.

I would definitely try counselling again and there is a book called "the 5 love languages' or something similar that might give you hope. I read before that the exciting chemistry bit only lasts 2 years, that's a fact, so you need to have all the other stuff built up in that 2 years or it will start crumbling. That to me means the same thing will happen if you start with someone else and don't have the foundation sorted, so if you think there is love with your husband now, its worth giving it everything to see if you can repair it.

Give counselling another go, it might change everything. Apologies again if I missed a post and there was something bad or very wrong that should be left.

Best of luck x

I also meant to say that he can't be all things, nobody can be all the things a person needs. That's what friends, colleagues and family are for, like different people support you in different ways so you need a few people and not just mainly one person. Does that make sense?

You will be ok whatever you decide to do though, very best of luck to you x