Is my marriage really ending?

[Isitovernow]

I'm a big fan of MN & I think great advice is given. So hopefully some of you might have some thoughts on my situation...

My DH and I are married just over 1 year. We had a long on-off relationship before that. I've always loved him but in many ways, for me, he fell short...we are now married and I have that awful 'I see this if?' feeling. We haven't had sex in about three months and there is very little sexual interest on both sides. We are both physically fit, healthy & attractive but the spark is well and truly gone. We tried couples' counselling once before and my DH said never again.

On the plus side, my DH is reliable, he works very hard, he's loyal, I don't think he'd ever cheat, he cares about me and comes to all my family occasions (& I to his). I am attracted to him but I don't look up to him. He looks to me for a lot of guidance.

Even right now, we are on holidays in a lovely place and I'm secretly writing this while he sits on the toilet reading his iPad! He looked so excited to be going in there to do it too. We've been away alone a week and no sex.

I have tried talking to him numerous times about our difficulties or lack of sex. He just says 'yeah I know' and then changes the subject. He often mentions having children too!

I'm confused! Does this sound like a marriage on its last legs to you or is it the best I can do?

Thanks to all of you for your responses. I've read them all a few times. I'm kind of amazed at the grasp ye have on my marriage considering all ye have to go on are my posts here. Some of what you've written really nails it.

It's hard to read words like 'abusive' to describe the person I spend more time with than anyone else, the person who I speak to every single day on the phone, the person I tell my petty worries to (even though I know he'd rather break his own wrists than listen to them lol!). I hope I haven't painted DH in an overly negative light here. The thing that has me worried is that we've been sleeping in separate beds a lot lately. That's a slippery slope.

My sister does mean well all right but I do think the idea of me and DH divorcing upsets her equilibrium. She also helped me a lot with the wedding planning, which was only a year ago and maybe she feels let down on some level. She said she feels I'm giving up too easily. I feel I've been holding on too long but I made the godawful mistake of getting married. I wish I could just shake myself when he proposed and say, 'are you sure?' If we weren't married, I'd be making plans to break up.

I don't know if it's the 'right' thing to do or not but I've made enquiries about couples' counselling. I suggested it this weekend and he said, 'great! Throw more money at it!' He'd rather put the money towards a deposit for a house...

Individual therapy. Couples' therapy...I know, it doesn't sound good 1 year in to marriage and yes, it shouldn't be this hard but I feel I have to give it my best shot. My sister is the most open-minded out of my entire family and I was surprised by her reaction, so I'll need a lot of strength if I end up telling them all I have to leave my marriage to a good, solid, decent, reliable man...(despite the fact we never have sex and he doesn't even nearly cater to my emotional needs )

Op, I feel you're looking for excuses to stay rather than face reality and leave.

Does your procrastinating ever exhaust you or is it a way of life for you in general?

In the kindest possible way OP, it's called denial & minimising.

You seem to be more concerned about your family's approval than your own feelings & happiness.

Don't waste your fertile years procrastinating about this man.

Good luck OP. Use the first appointment to set some clear goals and timelines for progress markers. If there aren't any, you can leave. Sounds like you will then be able to satisfy yourself you gave it your best shot after all these years.

OP Please please listen to his reaction! Counselling with this man is pointless. He refuses to even begin to acknowledge there is a problem! He doesn't need a wife he needs a housekeeper. He doesn't see you as a person with feelings at all, just a malfunctioning housework robot that he is irritated about because it appears to be malfunctioning and only just out of warranty too.
Get the fuck out and breathe the clean fresh air us normal mortals are already enjoying. Join us FFS before any sense of your own personality is ground to dust. He is right. It IS a waste of money but not for the reason he is telling you it is.

I went to a funeral recently. My first ever boyfriend was there. I am an old bird now so it was a long time ago. I started seeing him when I was 15 and I ended it with him (for someone that actually washed occasionally and had a nice personality) when I was 19. I was completely smitten by him though at the time. I was full of ideas for the future and the house we would set up together. We would get engaged and married and and and......except that he wasn't on board with any of that. He was very fixed in his ways and there is no way we were compatible. He was quite arrogant and looked down his nose at me and my family. He was always complaining about pain in his back, hands, feet. Complaining and moaning about anything and everything but I couldn't see it when I was full of love for him. It was limerance actually not love at all.
At the funeral I got chatting to him and he was as dreary as ever. Moaning and complaining but also dropping in how well his parents had done at their business and how much money he had inherited from them blah blah. I wanted to laugh as I remembered how I felt about him and was embarrassed for myself that I ever thought I could spend any quality time with this man at all EVER.
Your posts remind me of this moment. The IDEA of him appeals to you but the reality of his personality is like sandpaper on your soul. Please don't stay with someone because on paper and to the rest of the world it all looks great. Everyone back then said how lucky I was to meet Mr. Dreary so early on in my life because we were a perfect match and people were shocked when I ended it but the living spark of life and colour in me was being crushed and snuffed by him. He's very handsome and appears to have a lot going for him but it is so superficial I am shocked more people can't see that. He wasn't right then. He is laughably not right for me now. Only I can see it but that's all it needs.

OP, I hope you are doing ok.
For what it’s worth, a friend had almost this exact situation (without the bit) and after 18 months of him
Not making a single effort to work on the relationship (they were together 3 years before this), she left him aged 36. He had the ED, the ability to ignore everything she said, very similar to how you describe your husband.
After many ups and downs, she spent the last year working on herself (counselling but with a bit of spiritual healing/reiki thrown in) and she is in a brilliant place now. She has just met a great guy also so seems Lovely and meets her needs (sexual and otherwise). Also has found a group of much nicer local friends rather than ones who only liked her if she fitted into their model of how she should be, rather than let her be herself .
Wet lettuce partners are common and I think you want and deserve a nice firm cucumber (er potentially that metaphor doesn’t work but you know what I mean!).
Also, maybe your sister would feel differently if she read some of what is on here? But ultimately, it doesn’t actually matter what she thinks.
It only matters what you think and feel.
Good luck xx

*(without the MARRIAGE bit)

He's not interested in couples counselling because he doesn't want anything to change.
It's never gonna change OP. He's never going to be bothered about your needs, your feelings, your happiness. You just get to service his needs.

I would concentrate on your own counselling and make your plans to end this marriage. You have a bright future without him - if you stay what kind of a life are you condemning yourself to? It's less settling for this marriage and more condemning to as far as I can see. As for friends and family, Anyone who loves you will support you in your decisions, including a decision to end your marriage.

You can do this OP and you are worth more than this, but YOU have to rescue YOURSELF. Lots of us on Mumsnet care about you and want the best for you, I hope you can do the same for yourself.

It's the having children issue that is really the deal breaker here in my view. I am not a fan of moving quickly to split, or calling LTB, and otherwise I would say throw everything at it including couples counselling. BUT you're on a time limit here. I'm currently facing the end of my marriage and am lucky enough to have a DC who is a total delight. I wasn't always sure I wanted kids, but I would say to you from my position now that a child is worth a lot more than a man in your life. I know that's not the case for everyone, but it's my view, and you've said you want kids and would hate to lose that chance.

Thanks for all of your responses. I've read them and will re-read.

We just spoke and I told him that I'm exhausted & can't handle this situation anymore. He changed the subject, then tried to leave the room. I said 'if you just get up again & leave the room, I really think we should get a divorce.' We then had a 'discussion' where I tried to put my case forward, said how I was hurt by how badly I was treated (ignoring, shouting etc) & he argued it & refused to accept it.

So I think we might be ending. The problem is I came across assertive with him but I'm now a quivering, crying wreck. I don't know if I can go through with this.

Is it wrong that all I want to do is curl up with him & pretend everything is okay?

Give me strength.

It's natural to turn to your partner for comfort, and easier in the short term to accept the status quo, and it's deffo what your DH wants you to do.

Someone though needs to take care of YOU and that someone needs to be you. Be kind to yourself OP. Be your own BF.

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound good. If you're only married for a year, not having sex and not satisfied then I can't think it's for the long term.

OP he's not going to miraculously be able to handle conflict/uncomfortable emotions now.

Without him taking action to learn these skills (I'm guessing he has avoudant or emotionally repressed parent) this is the future if you don't get into MC.

Thanks ladies. I bawled on the couch & he came down & was caring & nice. I always have to hit rock bottom before he even takes note. In the course of our 'discussion,' he even said, 'Okay then, let's just get divorced.' Now he just said he didn't mean it ... I was crying at its ending, now I know we'll have to have the same conversation all over again when we do end.

OP stop interacting with him and trying to get his 'permission'. The status quo suits him in every respect. He will never agree to an amicable divorce and be just friends in the future as he needs someone to do the wifework. You need to head off in your own direction and divorce him and make decisions for yourself.

Op, he doesn’t have to mean it when he says ‘ok let’s get divorced’ because it’s entirely up to you and you alone.

Of course you can curl up with him and pretend everything is ok. That's what you have been doing all along anyway so why change now? Oh wait - because curling up and pretending all is ok is not making you happy; it's not going to give you a child that you want; he is not going to change; this will be your unhappy life forever.

This marriage is no good. This man is no good for you. Find your self esteem, raise your bar, head out for a full life where you can enjoy being loved, respected and actually have sex with someone.

You're putting yourself through a horrible amount of suffering, OP. Ending your marriage will hurt, but it won't be so horrible as this prolonged agony you're inflicting on yourself.

You need to leave. And you need to talk to a solicitor. You can bury your head in the sand and pretend everything's OK, but it isn't. And every day, every year you pretend is time that you could be having a life you actually enjoy with someone who actually loves you and desires you.

Thanks ...

We tried to have a date night tonight (cinema). All went okay until the argument on the way home & then in to our separate beds.

A colleague gave me a late wedding gift today! I hadnt remembered she that hadn't given a gift. My heart sank. I can't even think of the wedding. I feel sick to my stomach when I think of the lie I seemed to have even convinced myself of.

I know from the outside looking in it's so simple.

Our sex life isn't all his 'fault'. I've never doubted he finds me attractive & on one of our more recent attempts, it was me who couldn't go ahead. The not-talked-about ED doesn't help. I told him last night just what a PP said: that we can only do it in one position & it's an uncomfortable one for me. He said nothing to that.

Anyway, I know how simple this all looks but it's actually not. Rental demand is very high & costs are exorbitant. I also have to safeguard my mental health by not moving in with any old randomer (been there, done that). I wasn't offered the room I viewed (they said someone in their 20s was more suitable).

Please go easy. I know this is only a forum but if you feel the need to be harsh with me, do you mind just not posting instead? I'm just feeling quite low & am not sleeping & am craving courage, support & hope, not criticism. Thanks.

P.S.

I really do want to stress how grateful I am for the excellent advice & the kind support you have given. I've read every single message & re-read lots of them.

OP, take away the problem surrounding finding accommodation for the time being and tell yourself and your husband that as of today you consider your marriage over and there is no hope of a future together. Other women do it even if they have children and you can too. Finding somewhere to live can then be done at a reasonable pace. And if your MIL said well you’re not treating my son like this so I want you out of the house you could then tell her exactly why you need the marriage to end.

As for people thinking it all looks so simple? I think that’s because your situation is simple. You’re marriage is over. There are no children involved. You’re young. You have a job. You have your health. And the only practical problem you’ll have to sort out is somewhere to live.

The facts are that you’re tying yourself in knots trying every which way you can to go against what you know is true. You’re making it more complicated yourself. You need to look at things differently and stop pretending to yourself that you’d be leaving a year long marriage when the truth is you’d be leaving a marriage that should never have happened in the first place because it was all wrong for a long time beforehand.

I read once that very often people get married after years together because they’re a bit bored in the relationship or they know it’s in trouble and rather than admit it they get married to spice it up a bit. Not that it sorts anything out because a lot still do seperate a bit further down the line anyway. I think that happened with you. I think you had a sticking plaster marriage.

And you may think posters have been cruel but sadly the person being most cruel here is you because of how cruel you’re being to yourself.

Sunk cost fallacy OP .

I'm in a rush as just about to start work but just wanted to say...

@PollyFlinderz I do not think 'posters' have been cruel at all. I've gained such strength and support from this thread. I have found some of your posts Polly harsh and unhelpful.

@PeakedTooEarly Thanks. I've read about that before and I think that's what it is. I'm just still emotionally attached to him and that's something I struggle with.

Of course you are OP, and you still love someone for a little while, even after you've broken up.

But don't underestimate the cost to your mental health of staying in a relationship that's not working. I did & it really dragged me down to the point where I couldn't eat or sleep properly & it made me ill. It would have been kinder to myself to finish it earlier, instead of dragging it out.

Would it help if you framed it as a trial separation?

Concentrate on yourself; widening your circle of friends, getting hobbies/activities to fill your time. Do something nice for yourself every day, even if it's painting your nails or buying a magazine.