Pregnant and he's thrown me out

[Windmill1828]

Hi everyone - I'm turning to you lovely people to help me!

So it's a long story...

We met a few years ago, hit it off straight away. He was a gentleman, good job etc etc. Treated me like his best friend. We supported each other, we laughed like nothing before. It was just amazing. My family loved him and his did me.
He had a little boy and I have a little girl from previous marriages and they got on so well.
He began to stay over at mine more and more and before you knew it we were practically living together.
I saw him every night almost the whole time we were together and we had his little boy every other weekend.
We holidayed together and started to build a life together.
We decided to buy a house and move in together and that I would sell mine and put the equity in the bank for my little girl one day.
We chose a new house and it was being built.
On New Year's Eve he asked me to marry him! It was the most amazing time of our lives.
The house was supposed to be finished in Feb but kept getting delayed so we were living out of boxes which wasn't ideal but ok.
Then in March we found out I was pregnant! We were over the moon. But that turned into disaster when it turned out to be ectopic just before our engagement party.
He was by my side through the operation and was so sad afterwards. He was distraught!
We were told that to be on the safe side we would need to have ivf to bypass the use of my tubes but probably wouldn't have much trouble conceiving as we just had by ourselves albeit in the wrong place.
We left it three months and then decided to go to a clinic in London to discuss the details. The nurse said yep, we could go for it but as I was 36 and he was 38 to not waste any time.
We had a holiday planned in August but she said it would be fine to still go if we did get pregnant before as we would be over 12 weeks.
So we went home, discussed it and we both agreed to give it a shot!
Next thing you know we are booked in and ready to go. The drugs came and I started injections.
Now anyone who has had IVF will tell you it's not easy. All the travelling on its own was hard. The hormones. The weight gain. The tiredness. It was draining but so worth it that I didn't make a big fuss because I didn't want it to be a big thing if we needed to go through it again.
He even did the first injection with me and held my hand.
There were a few bumps along the way and at points thought we might have to cancel due to complications but to cut a long story short we got pregnant!!! I did about 500 tests!!!
You have to carry on taking hormones after the positive test and on top of the begins of pregnancy (morning sickness/ extreme tiredness etc) but we carried on.
Then my Nan who was so close to me died which was awful.
And then I started a new job as I was full time and we decided that I didn't need to do that anymore.
We moved into our new house when I was 6 weeks pregnant And were busy organising it for the first week.
Then we had our first scan. Another trip to London, all very scary to see if baby was in the right place. And it was! Lovely heathy heartbeat! We were made up. He even stopped on the way home to buy it a little outfit!

We picked his little boy up on the way home. I was so tired after such a draining day and 7 hours in the car that i asked if he could feed the kids while I had a little lie down, to which he said yes.
I went to sleep for about 10 mins and was woken up by the kids playing!
I was a bit miffed he could have kept them quiet but went downstairs and sat at the breakfast bar while the kids ate their dinner and I was sewing a blind.
He said to me that his little boy had done well in his school report to which i said "oh well done" and then thought oh crap where is my little girls report?!! And proceeded to ask her.
That was it.
He sent the kids across the road to the park and he said "I don't wanna make this into a big thing but why were you like that about the report?"
I was fed up anyway and said "what?!! What about it!?" And we blew up and has an argument about how I should've been more enthusiastic.
I just needed to get out of that house and that situation so I said I was going to go back to mine to continue to sort it out.
I was so upset that I decided to stay there and talk about it in the morning.
Well in the morning he was furious that I'd gone and taken My daughter. There was no talking to him.
He didn't have the best childhood in the world but certainly not the worst but he said that it triggered a memory of something that happened to him when he was a boy and he won't have his son feeling like that!!!
We spoke about it and sorted it that night. Had a nice evening together and took the kids out.
Then the next morning he said "I'm sorry but I still feel like I can't do this."
As you can imagine it went from bad to worse.
He spoke to his sister who obviously said he can't have that and then decided to block me on fb and told him to tell me and my daughter to leave. Which he did.
I had my first midwife appt that following day and by the time I came back to the house he had packed boxes.
He said some horrible things like:
He had doubts the week before he asked me to marry him
He wasn't in love with me
How could I treat his kid like that?
Very hurtful things

He then got a van and dumped all mine and my daughters things back at my sold (but not completed just yet) house.

So basically, I'm pregnant
I soon have no home or anywhere to live
I have a temp/ part time job
No money
And I little girl who has no idea what's happened.

So that was 4 weeks ago.
Since then not much has happened. He has sent the wedding venue an email to cancel it even though it was only booked a matter of weeks ago.
Most of my messages get ignored.
Until I sent a nice one to which he replied "he was broken"

This guy was all about family: he treated my little girl like his own. Me like a queen. There wasn't a day went by that he didn't tell me how lucky he felt and how much he loved us.
How can you go from all that to nothing over night? To creating a life to walk away from it.

All over this.!

I am obviously heartbroken. Lost. I feel like I've had my whole life ripped apart and now I have nothing.
I miss him so much but I know I shouldn't.

Any ideas?

Xxx

That's good to hear.

He seems so unpredictable, the fact he snapped on a whim and threw you and your child out and all of your stuff over something so small, you just can't predict how he'll behave.
I wouldn't trust him alone with a child in case he snapped again and just run away with it.

There's something not right with him.

@bethy15 yeah - you're right. It's taken me some weeks to find the balance between looking after and protecting my girls vs. Not giving them an opportunity to have a Daddy in their lives.

It's tougher than you think, especially as he seemed so good to us all.

Anyway... my panic and heartbreak is actually easing! 😁

Sounds to me like he's trying to fabricate a version of events where he can play the Oh-so-loving father who was so harshly treated by the wicked ex, who made it impossible for him to have a relationship with his new dc.

Oh, I tried so hard to keep in touch for the baby but she didn't even let me come to the scans (because I hid the message hoping she wouldn't see it but I could still claim I sent it)

Could he end up Doubting paternity if he’s not down as the father on your notes or the system.

@Haffdonga this is EXACTLY how this will play out.
Just like how he claims he didn't throw us out and it was all my fault!

The problem he's got is I don't care anymore! 😁

Anyway... my panic and heartbreak is actually easing

Well done! Really happy for you. It's your confidence which is helping you to calm down and a trip to the solicitor would boost your confidence even more.

I wouldn't reply to him or send a final fuck off. The best weapon is to move on and concentrate on your girls and yourself. There's absolutely no benefit for your unborn daughter to have such a father. He is just a sperm donor.

@Wetwashing00 I checked this with the midwife when I first booked in. It was her advice not too as she said he could be added up it's more difficult to take him off.
That was when things really had only just kicked off.

I have the paperwork from the ivf clinic to prove he's the father.
Plus if he does dispute it, HE needs to prove shes NOT his! X

@Onecutefox a sperm donor would've been much easier and cheaper! 😂😂😂

I hope your panic and heartbreak is being replaced with cool calculating anger.

@sexnotgender I have been thinking about some calculated revenge! But apparently it's best served cold!

Your best revenge is walking away and getting on with your life with your beautiful daughters and not allowing him to be Disney dad.

@sexnotgender you're so right! 😊

He is a mean bastard, you though, are amazing, to have coped in the way you have.

This will seem ridiculous, but I used to read those red top magazines, take a break, chat etc, and the story always went as follows:

Woman meets man, man totally in love, moves into her place very quickly, great with her kids, gushing messages and demonstrations of undying love everyday, no apparent differences of opinion, just one huge love up.

Then, out of the blue, man is a shit, doesn't want woman and it's all woman's fault.

These men seem to play a part - they morph into just what they think the woman wants them to be and move on when their interest wains or they have got what they want.

Your ex wanted a baby and as soon as he had that, he was free to drop the act.

I'm so sorry for you, you have done nothing wrong except meet this poor excuse for a human being. Keep going as you are, you are awesome!

@MrsBobDylan thank you! That means a lot! Just keeping one foot in front of the other is all I've done but at least I'm moving in the right direction 😊

Hi @Windmill1828 so sorry to read about your awful situation. Just a couple of thoughts. Your anti natal appointments are not just about making sure your baby is ok, this is an opportunity for you to talk about your health, including mental health and get some support. Having him at any of these appointments would not be appropriate. You may feel emotional and vulnerable at your scan given everything you're going through, don't let him near you.

Just wondering how long he was with his ex/how old was DS when he abandoned them? He sounds like he has narcissistic personality disorder sadly.

Good luck, sounds like you're a great mum 👩‍👧‍👧

I have just came across this thread www.mentalhelp.net/advice/my-partner-of-6-years-suddenly-left-with-no-explanation-and-has-completely-shut-me-and-my-kids-out-elise/. It's from 2008 with lots examples from women suddenly left by their male partners. They also couldn't predict something like that could have happened as everything was so fine before that. I think only one example came from a man.

@S0upertrooper well that was his last chance and he blew it so I'll be happy to go on my own from now on!

They were together for years, they met at uni. He spilt up with her when DS was about 4 and then went back because apparently he missed him so much then she asked him to leave about a year later.

Xx

@Onecutefox wow! So it's not just me! That's a very interesting read - thanks for sharing it! 💗

Gosh Op have read all the thread, and the texts and the continual ott declarations would have had me deeply suspicious it is really not normal, who was he trying to convince?
It seems like its all a game to him and he's decided to stop playing, not caring about the devastation he has left in his wake.
I really feel for you, you do not deserve this, and I hope and pray that you can get your home/accomodation sorted out.
I think you have to go forward telling yourself that you have had a lucky escape, and just to concentrate on you and your daughters.
Lok after yourself

@HazelBite after years of online dating and getting accustomed to the utter crap that goes with that it was nice to meet a guy that wasn't totally focused on sex and actually had a sweet more romantic side!

Should've kept on internet dating 😂

This was his parting message after my last ditch attempt at getting him to see sense last week.

How can you be "beyond devastated" if this is what you want?

Glad you're feeling stronger. We are all backing you!!

That text message - it's unhinged.

Oh, that text. It sounds like you left him and he is missing you. What a bastard. He is so cunning and nasty, both.

I agree with a PP, I’d move the appointment in case he turns up.