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Original poster

AIBU? Husband left family holiday to go to work *update edited by MNHQ*

531 replies

soelle · 17/08/2018 12:44

So, we’ve had the first family holiday in two years with the kids 6 and 3 and we stayed in the UK.

We arrived on Saturday, by Monday he had many calls from work and chose to work whilst away.

By Tuesday, he told me that he was needed at work and would be returning by train on Thursday afternoon.

I know his job is important and we do need the money but I am devastated. The kids and I are here alone and that wasn’t the plan.

I’ve just told him that we’re coming home today (a day early) and I’ll see him later. He said he won’t be home until Monday as he’s having to work on a deal and will be doing stupid hours so doesn’t see the point in coming home and disturbing us.

I’m pretty sure he isn’t having an affair. He often has to stay away with work (he works about 90mins drive from home) and stays with his sister who definitely wouldn’t condone him having an affair. I’m just gutted that the holiday has been spoilt. Am I being unfair for being upset with him?

OP posts:
VeThings · 09/08/2019 11:55

On telling DC about baby, let him tell them but know when it’s being done. Then after, you do have to be very positive with the DC about having a new sibling.

It’s going to be really difficult, as you know what a shit he has been. But unfortunately you can’t let the DC see that from you. It seems you were in a positive space and moving on before you found out the news. Perhaps a few counselling sessions will help you to get out the anger so you can move to the acceptance phase?

MrsBertBibby · 09/08/2019 11:56

am I right in thinking it can’t be decreased if it is a consent order?

It depends. Please call your solicitor today.

EffYouSeeKaye · 09/08/2019 12:01

Do they need to know about their sibling yet? They are quite young still. Could it wait a bit while the dust settles for you op? It’s been a big week for you already.

sofato5miles · 09/08/2019 12:01

I think in terms of the news about the baby, your DC come first and you may need to be there to support them. Regardless of your feelings towards your ex. It could be very upsetting news for them.

I say that as a divorcing parent and as a half sister.

Daisychainsgetbroken · 09/08/2019 12:06

Bloody hell. So sorry op. What a bastard.

Be there if you think it would help your DC.

tribpot · 09/08/2019 12:06

I agree with EffYouSeeKaye, do they have to be told this week? It's not like the baby has just been born, so whenever they find out they're going to find out about a mystery new sibling where the timeframe doesn't make sense.

How did the SIL not know the extent of the affair when she was covering for him whilst he rushed back to his mistress whilst she was in labour?!

EffYouSeeKaye · 09/08/2019 12:12

The more I think about it, why on earth does it need to be this weekend?? He hasn’t felt the need to tell any of you about this baby for well over a year and now that the shit stirring OW has informed you, he suddenly needs everyone to know?? He can fuck off and wait until you are ready to support your children properly when they find out!

Simkin · 09/08/2019 12:15

OP you are amazing . You are absolutely right not to engage with the OW but how you are managing not to is incredibly impressive (I myself would want to give her the benefit of my experience over the last year and tell her not to associate with corporate lawyers or adulterers).

You don't have to be there when he tells the kids about the baby. I can't see how it would help them. As you know, you'll be doing the consoling afterwards anyway.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 09/08/2019 12:22

She didn’t realise the extent of the affair with OW? They had a baby while you and he were still together!
Out of interest when would he have told the children about their half sibling if this latest slip of his dick hadn't forced things into the open? How many other people know?

RandomMess · 09/08/2019 12:24

Absolutely change the financial settlement because he can take the maintenance back to court after only a year and just use CMS instead. The maximum amount under CMS is very low and will be split with his other child.

More cash now and a bigger share of his pension etc.

matahairyy · 09/08/2019 12:30

Agree no hurry to tell. Unless she’s given an ultimatum

RightYesButNo · 09/08/2019 12:31

My SIL called late last night and apologised. She says that she didn’t realise the extent of the affair with OW. Regardless, she covered up for him so I told her that her apology isn’t needed or wanted and asked her also not to contact me again.

You’re a star for handling that so well, OP. And she’s a cheeky birch. As if there was some “lower” level of affair that would be acceptable. Even if she didn’t care about you for some weird reason, what possible excuse could she have for hurting her nieces like that? It’s good you never have to speak to her again, either.

NewFoneWhoDis · 09/08/2019 12:32

I know that people say you should make him tell the children about their new sibling but this is a selfish fuckwit we are talking about - him making you agree to the reason for divorce in his favour shows that. He will be a selfish prick to the children too and not frame it in a way that is best for them.

So for that reason, I think that you being there and even steering the discussion might be a kinder way for the children - even though it's harder for you and he appears to get off the hook.

rosedream · 09/08/2019 12:35

My concern is that if OW has contacted you because the same has happened to her she could act irrationally out of spite and anger.
Is there a possibility she has threatened your ex that she will tell your children if he doesn't.
If that's the case, yes they need to be told sooner rather than later.
Unfortunately not everyone is as level headed and psychologically intelligent as you op.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 09/08/2019 12:36

Have the children met her and the baby without being told who they are?

kateandme · 09/08/2019 12:44

ihave thought on many sifferent tangents.
if your not there you could be in the other room and they can then come to you?you will then be a source of safety to come out to.
if your there could you gauge things and they can still run to you?could you witness there emotions and then act accordingly.
im in two minds.but either way it should be done not for his benefit but for yours and the kids.so make the decision on that front not to ease that dickhead time of having to deliver such horrific news.

remember how far youve come op.just from last year im sur there were moment you thought you could lie down and hide forever.but your still here.and yes this is an awful gut punch again but youve left him.that isnt your life.his shitty shitty beahviour youve found out about could almost be like osmeon telling you the stories of some other bloke.not your problem.not your man.yuk.so look upon yourself as you might if you were being told a story and give yourself the biggest hug for the woman that was so wronged.give yourself some good good chatting to!tell yourself what an amazing and strong woman you are.for one you made the right decision back then.before you even new you did the right thing.so now this is just your winning at life because hell your already free your already an amazing and brav brave woman who has done nothing but the right thing.and has gotten through.you have come so so far.
i think every single poster who has come on here are just in awe of you.horrified for you and all have your back.
come back and use us,vent.let it out.

kateandme · 09/08/2019 12:46

judging bu this dickhead moral compass actually id want to be there to make sure daddy doesnt just say something(more lies) about new lovely sibling which totally negates the fact its a baby from an affair and more just tells them they have a lovely new sibling yay!

Sparadrap · 09/08/2019 12:46

I’d make him wait at least a few weeks to tell your dcs. You need a bit of time and possibly counselling to process it all and to make it feel a little less raw with you. That way you will be in a better place to help them through any upset they will have over it. Don’t let him dictate how and when they are told.

He really is the lowest of the low, sorry Flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/08/2019 14:14

Ahhahaha. He wants you there when he tells them what a lowlife he is? What, so you can make it "all ok" for them? Tell them that it's ok, Daddy still loves them and he didn't mean it?

FUCK THAT.

Let him take the responsibility of shaking their world himself, since it's entirely his fault. Fucking arsehole!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/08/2019 14:24

But, having said that, it probably would be better for you to hear exactly WHAT he tells them - just don't get dragged into the story, or agree with him at any point when he looks at you for help/corroboration or anything else.

Arsehole.

coconuttelegraph · 09/08/2019 14:39

Pmk? It's not eastenders triglesoffy, it's someone's real life, how insensitive can you get? Use the bookmark function if you just want to be nosy

I also remember yout thread OP sorry it turned out as it did but good to know that you and the children are coming out the other side

LazyLizzy · 09/08/2019 14:39

OP this is a shocker Flowers

He was living a double life. How can one person be so deceitful.

It would make me think everything that has ever come out of his mouth was a lie.

Don't do anything to make it easier for him. You reap what you sow.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/08/2019 14:39

I wouldn't be there. Let him (for once) carry the full burden of his own behaviour.

I don't know about UK divorces, but if there's no point in changing the grounds, is there any way to have his adultery put into the paperwork in a more 'informal' way than changing the actual grounds? Like an admission as part of the financial settlement papers? I think it would grind my gears to the seen as 'unreasonable' and him looking like a 'victim' even if the only people who saw the papers were us and the court officials. Besides, it's not unlikely that your girls will see the papers at some point in their lifetime. You don't want him to put some spin on things that he was unfaithful because you were 'unreasonable'.

diddl · 09/08/2019 15:38

He had a baby with another woman whilst still married.

I would have thought that that would cover adultery without her having to sign "admitting" it tbh.

My first husband was seen walking hand in hand with his ow by the vicar that had married us!

NomDeQwerty · 09/08/2019 16:00

I chose to be there when my DCs were told about STBXH's OW even though they are much older than yours because I wanted to know exactly what he was telling them so he couldn't rewrite history or lie to them.
Also because I love my kids more than I despise that arsewipe.