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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU? Husband left family holiday to go to work *update edited by MNHQ*

531 replies

soelle · 17/08/2018 12:44

So, we’ve had the first family holiday in two years with the kids 6 and 3 and we stayed in the UK.

We arrived on Saturday, by Monday he had many calls from work and chose to work whilst away.

By Tuesday, he told me that he was needed at work and would be returning by train on Thursday afternoon.

I know his job is important and we do need the money but I am devastated. The kids and I are here alone and that wasn’t the plan.

I’ve just told him that we’re coming home today (a day early) and I’ll see him later. He said he won’t be home until Monday as he’s having to work on a deal and will be doing stupid hours so doesn’t see the point in coming home and disturbing us.

I’m pretty sure he isn’t having an affair. He often has to stay away with work (he works about 90mins drive from home) and stays with his sister who definitely wouldn’t condone him having an affair. I’m just gutted that the holiday has been spoilt. Am I being unfair for being upset with him?

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 08/08/2019 16:41

Surely oi he's got another child he's responsible for it'll go against OP in the divorce settlement rather than in her favour if she discloses that info? I'd probably not say anything tbh.

Sorry this has happened OP.

Sjoe456 · 08/08/2019 16:41

I would never trust a man that says he has to go stay "overnight" for work it just sounds dodgy I'd be asking for proof that hes alone haha

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/08/2019 16:48

TheOnlyLivingBoy - oh believe me, it has crossed my mind (not the labour bit, obvs!) and if he was always going to the same place I'd be more suspicious, but he's all over the place. Unless he's like the old travelling salesmen or sailor stereotypes with a woman in every town/port, I doubt it! Plus a lot of the time he has a work colleague (male) with him - not always the same one! - and he's definitely not gay either.

pebblemix · 08/08/2019 16:52

There’s something very very wrong with him. He’s obviously a narcissistic personality. You are well rid OP. His behaviour is despicable. I really hope you meet somebody wonderful and go on to have an amazingly happy life. I hope that these other women start wondering about his character and stop sleeping with him!

Wonkydonkey44 · 08/08/2019 16:58

Wishing you all the best and as for the OW I wouldn’t say anything . Why should u help her when she destroyed your families happiness. Xx

AlbertWinestein · 08/08/2019 17:08

I’m so sorry OP! I was reading the thread thinking, “Hang on! I’ve read this before!” before realizing the update. That’s genuinely shocking, yet sadly not too uncommon.

FWIW, I’d try and remember how you were doing before this information and keep your divorce on track. If you were ok with the settlement before, let the weasel go and move on. If it turns around to get messy after all this time, the only people who will get hurt are you and the girls.

And PLEASE reply as a previous poster said with, “Errr, boohoo?!” That made me lol!

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 08/08/2019 17:14

"What were you expecting you fucking fool?"

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 08/08/2019 17:20

In your situation I'd change the grounds for divorce to adultery and name her, since you have irrefutable proof and her admission in writing. Bet he'd be really pissed off.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 08/08/2019 17:23

I doubt she is contacting you for advice. I imagine this is her way of getting back at him, by exposing his lies to you so you'll flip out on him or to cause trouble between him and the kids.

Clutterbugsmum · 08/08/2019 17:36

I text back

"Well you created the vacancy. Do not contact me again on any platform"

GabsAlot · 08/08/2019 17:36

Yes id agree with potatoes sounds like revenge-she knew you had no idea so is now getting him back

OhtheHillsareAlive · 08/08/2019 17:41

I remember your thread. What an awful thing to find out.

One of my best friends had something similar happen to her - although not a child/half-sibling to her own children. But a work-obsessed husband who started to check out of the family. An eventual (and nasty) divorce. He swore black & blue there was no-one else, and we didn't know, and none of us mutual friends saw any evidence of the OW.

It wasn't until three years later that she found out there'd been an OW all along and actually for a couple of years before they split.

It was awful for her - just as she'd got onto an even keel and started remaking her life, this bombshell hit. It was almost worse than if she'd found out - or he'd 'fessed up - at the time.

Oblomov19 · 08/08/2019 17:42

Makes me sad to read this. There is rarely a true emergency. This mentality, and other issues eg presenteeism etc, in work in the UK is poor!

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 08/08/2019 17:51

Oblomov you’ll be sadder when you read the update- turns out the “emergency” was the OW going into labour.

You know, I’m actually quite angry that the world of corporate law was painted as the baddy in this scenario! It is shit but I think firms are improving a bit, so in a way glad to hear the DH’s employer was not to blame...

readitandwept · 08/08/2019 17:56

She has messaged to stir the shit. What did she say? I mean, what possible advice could she need, especially from you??

What a horrendous pair.

Mitzimaybe · 08/08/2019 18:01

"Dear OW, ain't karma a bitch?"

Original poster
soelle · 08/08/2019 18:20

After finding this out I want to change the divorce terms as he filed for divorce for my unreasonable behaviour when I asked him to leave. I agreed to get it over and done with but now I’m fuming. I suppose the end result is the same though.

Finances are all settled and me and the kids have the house. I thought he was being kind I’m the settlement as I’ve come out of it well but maybe this was the guilt. 🤷‍♀️

Some of you may have a point about the OW trying to stir the pot which is why I’m trying to stay out of it with her. I’ve blocked her everywhere as I just want to focus on me and the kids. She had said she wanted to know how he’d react to a split and would he be fair or not. Apparently she asked me as I’ve known him a long time.

As tempting as it is to fight fire with fire, I don’t want to drag myself down to her level. She’s the mother of my kids’ sibling and I’m guessing at some point my kids may have some sort of relationship with her and her child so as hard as it is, I’ll need to be civil. Although that seems a long way off.

Ex-h assures me that my maintenance payments won’t change but I can’t help but wonder how he is going to maintain all of this. And ask how many other children he may have or go onto have. The other thing that has crossed my mind is if he got her pregnant they were clearly having unprotected sex so where does this leave me health wise? I’m furious that he put my health at risk.

The whole situation is a mess but at least I know I was right to divorce him.

OP posts:
Reallybadidea · 08/08/2019 18:37

Him using your 'unreasonable behaviour' in the divorce would really rankle, but I think if you can bear it then it might be better to just let that go now in the interests of getting the legalities settled.

Definitely go and get an STI check up for your own peace of mind. You sound amazingly strong and are handling it with a lot more grace and dignity than I think I could!

readitandwept · 08/08/2019 18:41

She had said she wanted to know how he’d react to a split and would he be fair or not. Apparently she asked me as I’ve known him a long time.

Fuck that. She's found out the hard way that he isn't who he pretends to be, and she can continue seeing him for what he may or may not be without pointers from you.

And no, you don't need to have any kind of relationship with her, civil or otherwise. I have messaged my DS' older siblings mum maybe twice in his 14 years of existence. It wasn't essential, and it was civil, but ultimately it is for your ex to facilitate the relationship between the kids. Particularly in these circumstances. You don't owe either of them anything. Your own mental health and making a new life for yourself, as free from arseholes as possible, should be your priority.

MiniMum97 · 08/08/2019 18:46

What about a cruise? He won't be able to go home early then!

readitandwept · 08/08/2019 18:51

@MiniMum97 That (cruise) ship has sailed. Read OP's update. He doesn't even live in the same home anymore.

Horehound · 08/08/2019 18:54

@MiniMum97 yeh haha op should go on a cruise with her EX who had another woman,l who was pregnant with his child and has now moved on to someone else. What a great idea!!!

MiniMum97 · 08/08/2019 19:00

@Horehound @readitandwept ooops! I thought I'd read to the end but all the posts weren't coming up! Technology fail. And didn't notice the dates were last year. Am very tired!

Sorry OP. Obviously my suggestion is not appropriate! What an awful discovery for you. So sorry you are going through this. 💐

Ginger1982 · 08/08/2019 19:19

Silly cow reaping what she sowed (her not you OP!)

notapizzaeater · 08/08/2019 19:35

If he could do it to you why did she think it would be any different.