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Original poster

AIBU? Husband left family holiday to go to work *update edited by MNHQ*

531 replies

soelle · 17/08/2018 12:44

So, we’ve had the first family holiday in two years with the kids 6 and 3 and we stayed in the UK.

We arrived on Saturday, by Monday he had many calls from work and chose to work whilst away.

By Tuesday, he told me that he was needed at work and would be returning by train on Thursday afternoon.

I know his job is important and we do need the money but I am devastated. The kids and I are here alone and that wasn’t the plan.

I’ve just told him that we’re coming home today (a day early) and I’ll see him later. He said he won’t be home until Monday as he’s having to work on a deal and will be doing stupid hours so doesn’t see the point in coming home and disturbing us.

I’m pretty sure he isn’t having an affair. He often has to stay away with work (he works about 90mins drive from home) and stays with his sister who definitely wouldn’t condone him having an affair. I’m just gutted that the holiday has been spoilt. Am I being unfair for being upset with him?

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 08/08/2019 19:39

God what an absolute psychopath he is. Agree with PP, your girls will work it out in time and the magnitude of his betrayal will become more evident as they marry and have children of their own.

ohfourfoxache · 08/08/2019 19:49

Holy fuckballs Shock

Don’t feel bad in the slightest that she’s getting a taste of her own medicine - she deserves to savour every last drop.

I’d definitely change the grounds for divorce, it’s a matter of principle

CaptainJaneway62 · 08/08/2019 19:56

Op I do remember you thread from last year and read you update about separating as well.
But your latest update WTF...the man is an absolute bastard and his sister covering for him.
Perhaps the sister can give the OW some tips seeing as she probably knows more about the situation.
Please try and have as little contact with him as possible...do not give this man any more of your emotional energy....he's a drain!
So sorry you are having to go through all thisFlowers

thetoddleratemyhomework · 08/08/2019 20:03

Pretty standard - if he is senior associate/counsel, which seems right based on likely age and fact he only has one boss, the push to partner is quite brutal (as opposed to world outside professional services forms, where by that level of seniority you start to get a bit more control over life

CaptainJaneway62 · 08/08/2019 20:16

@thetoddleratemyhomework you really do need to RTFT!

AnyFucker · 08/08/2019 20:18

Fucking Hell, even reading this thread from the beginning feels like a rollercoaster and this is your life

What an absolute monster your exH is.

And you, op, sound like a diamond.

prawnsword · 08/08/2019 20:37

What a scumbag. My social worker told me “bravery is not the absence of fear, it’s feeling the fear & doing it anyway.” You sounds strong & an amazing role model for your kids Flowers

In regards to settlement are you getting some of his pension? If your career was affected by taking on raising the kids you should get access to it

As for the terms being your supposed “unreasonable behaviour” - is it possible to get him to admit to infidelity via email or text? Then at least you would have some backup proof to show that the divorce paperwork was just to push things through. That must understandably make your piss boil & he is an awful excuse for a human

In regards to child support payments going down due to new baby, are you going through csa or private collect? If you have already privately agreed to an amount above the minimum then it wouldn’t be affected....

Am wondering what else this deceitful, two-faced sly snake has hidden over the years. You already could feel his poisonous real self polluting your life & managed to get out even before discovering such a huge secret he had hidden ! Good on you for trusting your instincts. All the best xo

Marmighty · 08/08/2019 20:46

Christ, surely he knew the baby would be revealed at some point, what the hell was he expecting to happen? Sounds like a complete psychopath, poor you and your girls OP, best of luck Flowers

pebblemix · 08/08/2019 21:25

I’d be talking to the solicitor to get the divorce terms changed. Unreasonable behaviour! He’s a piece of work. How does he live with himself. He’s one of the most disgusting men I’ve ever read about. Vile.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 08/08/2019 21:33

She doesn't need him to admit it, she has the OW in writing saying he fathered her child before they'd even separated. I'd do it on principle, how DARE he divorce you for unreasonable behaviour.

matahairyy · 08/08/2019 22:00

Jesus. You poor thing.

A mate of mine has this - the OW tho had given an ultimatum he was not to go on holiday with his family or they were over.

maras2 · 08/08/2019 22:01

I can't believe that his bastard sister was complicit in his sordid little affair. Angry
What a bitch.
You're being far more dignified than most would be, me included. Flowers Gin

marvellousnightforamooncup · 08/08/2019 23:00

What's her problem? She clearly doesn't mind sharing her men with other women if she chose to have a baby with a married man.

Hope you get the divorce terms changed OP.

Watchingthyme · 08/08/2019 23:14

Only change the divorce terms if it’s financially beneficial. He sounds like the kind of arsehole who will fight fire with fire.

Keep him on the back foot.

TheTittefers · 08/08/2019 23:15

Wow, op, I’m really sorry about how this turned out.

I used to be married to a corporate lawyer, and all the family holidays entailed him flying or driving home, once leaving me with the four kids (then under 7) with no car for three days. Funny, it was always him who planned the holiday, but it was always me who ended up stuck out in the woods somewhere.

And yes, he was having an affair. He’s still with her.

I’d definitely see about getting your supposed unreasonable behaviour removed. As a lawyer, he will surely appreciate that he cannot not have full disclosure in his paperwork.

Flowers
MsDogLady · 09/08/2019 05:27

Soelle, I recall feeling unsettled when reading your earlier thread and first update. I am very sorry that you’ve now had this shocking blow. This hideous man with no conscience must have ice water running through his veins. Heinous betrayal is an understatement.

Brava for ending things and refusing to tolerate his disregard and neglect of you and your girls. Your moving forward to a positive place has surely benefited your daughters in a myriad of ways.

Brenna24 · 09/08/2019 06:40

As much as it sticks in your throat not to, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of changing the reason for the divorce and potentially riling him up and causing yourself problems or delays. Just get rid of him as fast as possible and carry on ignoring her. I think it says a lot that she is only getting in touch to see how well she is likely to do financially out of this. You have shown far more integrity right from the start. Hold your head high and get on with your life.

OLP2019 · 09/08/2019 06:51

My OH is a CEO and I accept that he will never ever be able to be offline however after some serious chats over the years about family time - including me telling him he would be so busy building an empire that he would turn around and find he had no family if he carried on the way he was - I know accept that we have a lot of time away from the office but that means he will work but he limits his working time - will work mornings them turn off his phone for example
The balance is really important - I know he can't NOT work but he would never leave us for work ever

kingsassassin · 09/08/2019 06:56

@OLP2019 you might want to read the whole thread, or at least the op's updates.

OLP2019 · 09/08/2019 07:03

@kingsassassin jeez sorry didn't even clock it was a ghost thread and only read the original part my bad

Skiphopnicknok · 09/08/2019 07:04

Different as we didn’t have kids/married etc but same fuckwittery anyway - I recently found out that a chap I was in a relationship when I was 18 for a good couple of years fathered a child just before we got together and 1 whilst we were together (with same woman) and I had no idea! His parents must’ve known (because he lived st home) and I was always round there.

Sadly some people are just awful. You are way better off without but totally get why it’s knocked you back - same happened with me even though over 20 years ago! I think it’s just when you can’t bekieve the level of betrayal.

But you are clearly a strong woman x

QueenBeee · 09/08/2019 07:19

My DN was a much better dad to his DD after the split than before. He was sport mad and there was always a reason to be out of the house.
Once he had days with the DD they formed a good bond. He'd never be described as a great DF, too selfish, but she has a good relationship with him. And after many years the rift with his ex is fixed and they are friends.

Morgan12 · 09/08/2019 07:21

Holy fuck OP!

What a massive shit he is.
I'd be inclined to send a million laughing faces back to the OW but probably best to stay out of it all.

Morgan12 · 09/08/2019 07:22

Also what a fucking wee bitch his sister is.

Hopefully karma gets her soon aswell.

M0RVEN · 09/08/2019 07:33

I’m sorry to read your update OP. You are doing the right thing by blocking OW and not taking the bait.

I remember your thread well because your husband ( at the time ) sounded exactly like my ex. He left every single family holiday we ever had, even when we were abroad. But like you I soldiered on with three small children AND caring for his two children from his first marriage.

And my own work of course ,supporting him in his stressful career, all that travelling etc ( He spend about half the time away from home, often abroad). Being fucking grateful for the lifestyle as everyone kept telling me Hmm.

Did I mention he was also having an affair ( or more than one ) ? I even forgave him the first time I found out , he promised it was over and he would spend more time with the kids , be a better husband. Blah blah blah.

That was all a crock of shit as well, as you can probably guess. Eventually we split and he was a bastard about the divorce, even saying he wanted full custody of the children and to keep the house . This was a joke as he had nothing to do with raising the kids - he was either away or working 8-8pm and all weekend. He honestly thought the court would agree that he would get the kids and have them cared for by a couple of nannies.

At least I was spared the pregnant OW thing. Although I was contacted by one of the OW who tried to blackmail him, because he was her boss and had got her bonuses she didn’t earn.

I know, it’s like a bad film plot.

I really wish I had been at brave as you to leave earlier. I know this weeks revelation must have been a great shock but at least you know you made the right decision at the right time. I wasted too many years of my life trying to make it work.

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