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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU? Husband left family holiday to go to work *update edited by MNHQ*

531 replies

soelle · 17/08/2018 12:44

So, we’ve had the first family holiday in two years with the kids 6 and 3 and we stayed in the UK.

We arrived on Saturday, by Monday he had many calls from work and chose to work whilst away.

By Tuesday, he told me that he was needed at work and would be returning by train on Thursday afternoon.

I know his job is important and we do need the money but I am devastated. The kids and I are here alone and that wasn’t the plan.

I’ve just told him that we’re coming home today (a day early) and I’ll see him later. He said he won’t be home until Monday as he’s having to work on a deal and will be doing stupid hours so doesn’t see the point in coming home and disturbing us.

I’m pretty sure he isn’t having an affair. He often has to stay away with work (he works about 90mins drive from home) and stays with his sister who definitely wouldn’t condone him having an affair. I’m just gutted that the holiday has been spoilt. Am I being unfair for being upset with him?

OP posts:
lunar1 · 09/08/2019 07:35

It sounds like she thinks she's entitled to something from him, she's in for a shock if so, he isn't going to owe her anything more than maintenance is he!

Triglesoffy · 09/08/2019 07:49

Pmk

LittleFairywren · 09/08/2019 07:53

Wow what a bastard he is.

matahairyy · 09/08/2019 07:55

I’m wondering how she even started her message.
“Hello. Im the one you knew nothing about “?

MrsBertBibby · 09/08/2019 08:05

OP definitely talk to your solicitor, but there is no realistic prospect of changing the basis of the divorce, I'm afraid.

InspirationWontCome · 09/08/2019 08:08

Oh my god I'm so, so sorry OP 😔 That is completely shocking, no wonder it's thrown you.

Take the positives from it - you took control of the situation and ended it on your terms. Nothing to do with there being another woman - you and your girls deserved better so you ended it.

You have absolutely dodged a bullet getting out when you did. He was humiliating you and putting you at risk.

You're doing the right thing blocking her and not engaging. She's made her bed so she can lie in it.

Wishing you strength to get through this and back to a happy place. This too shall pass

katewhinesalot · 09/08/2019 08:14

Bloody hell. But at least karma has bitten her in the bum. Can't believe the cheek of her coming to you now. And would he have actually gone to her if you hadn't thrown him out anyway? He stayed with you those two months.

Thank goodness you got out when you did. All the best for a future without this turd. Dignified silence is best. The best revenge is going on to a happy life.

ReasonedCamper · 09/08/2019 08:31

Soelle, you must be reeling.

But your action in taking control and finishing the marriage when it wasn’t working for you rather than hanging in to his coat tails in desperation was incredibly strong.

But what a pit of weasels.

Your kids have a Dad and an Aunty who are lying cunts.
Your exH put you at risk of STD
He claimed to be scared of the kids ‘going without’ while taking in liability for another family, a sure fire way to make the household poorer

I would be so angry at the betrayal of your children. They will realise as they get older the depth and impact if his dishonesty.

I would definitely get the grounds for divorce changed.

“She had said she wanted to know how he’d react to a split and would he be fair or not. “
Hahaha I.e how much if his income could she divert from your own children. She is a peach.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 09/08/2019 08:41

At least get it nailed down that your maintenance will stay the same regardless of how many more children he casually fathers.

zsazsajuju · 09/08/2019 08:46

What a snake op. I just wanted to say that I used to work those hours and wasn’t having an affair (far too exhausted for anything like that) so work demands like that don’t necessarily mean someone is having an affair. Except in ops case apparently it did. Sorry op but sounds like you are doing well.

Relationshipsajoke · 09/08/2019 09:05

Wow. You’re being incredibly strong op. The brass neck of them all is shocking. I love my brothers but I would never ever play a part in allowing them to deceive their families, my god.

waterSpider · 09/08/2019 09:18

... because he has a new child, the amount calculated as child maintenance will be lower. If using the Govt/CMS formula. And partly because he may now be paying it for two families so it gets apportioned between them.

sofato5miles · 09/08/2019 09:55

I find it interesting that he filed using your unreasonable behaviour and that can give you a real insight to his motivators.

As you may have to renegotiate, use his strong desorw to not be officially labelled as a bad guy ( we all know he is). This happened to someone I know. His wife was incredibly concerned she still was officially known as a woman of good character on court documents, despite having numerous affairs, and was willing to sacrifice on other areas of negotiation to realise that.

I found it odd, but people are strange..

CallmeAngelina · 09/08/2019 10:19

She wanted to know if he was likely to be FAIR????? What PLANET is she on?
Anyway, if they're not married (which they can't be, if you're not yet divorced from him), he doesn't actually have to be fair to her at all, beyond maintenance support for her child. Let's hope his true colours shine as brightly as they did for you, and he shits all over her as well.
Karma's a bitch, isn't it?

VivaLeBeaver · 09/08/2019 10:25

I doubt she was actually bothered on your opinion of whether he will be fair or not.

She will have known you didn't know about her and she is angry/hurt with him and wanting to punish him. She knows she can lash out and make things difficult for him by dropping this bombshell.

So she is still being selfish and trampling all over you while only thinking about herself.

strawberry2017 · 09/08/2019 10:43

I am so sorry OP, having read the full thread I can understand why you believed him to start with, why on earth would his sister help him hide another women? What type of person must she be to support that!
The other women probably only got in contact now as she wanted to cause issues for him now he's left her. She will have known you didn't know about her and the baby and she's trying to find a way to make his life difficult and she's dragging you in to it. You did the right thing blocking her.
Move on with your life and be fabulous. That's the best thing you can do for you and your DC. X

Original poster
soelle · 09/08/2019 11:18

Thanks everyone for the support.

My SIL called late last night and apologised. She says that she didn’t realise the extent of the affair with OW. Regardless, she covered up for him so I told her that her apology isn’t needed or wanted and asked her also not to contact me again.

As much as I want the divorce to be for his obvious adultery, I’m worried that’d drag it out for even and I just want rid of all this now.

The more I think about the OW, I’m starting to question her motives for getting in touch. Like so many people have said she knew and because the work together her pregnancy would’ve been so public and in turn so humiliating for me. In a way, I’m glad it came out when it did. She is unsettled me but I’m not going to cause issues for ex-h as frankly he’s her problem now, not mine.

Our financial settlement for maintenance was done through the solicitor in a consent order for a set monthly amount with an annual % increase. I’m not sure if this is linked to the CMS but am I right in thinking it can’t be decreased if it is a consent order?

I have so much to think about right now. Thankfully the kids seem settled at the moment even though I feel all over the place. Ex-h has requested that I’m there when he tells the kids about their sibling this weekend. I think they might find that confusing. I don’t know what’s for the best.

OP posts:
matahairyy · 09/08/2019 11:23

I think you should be there as HE tells them!! Make the fucker squirm.

Do you think everyone knew it was his baby? Maybe not.

matahairyy · 09/08/2019 11:23

Sorry. That’s what you said. Ooh I’m angry !

CrazyKyra · 09/08/2019 11:25

I would not be there when he gives your kids the news, that's his life.

Sjoe456 · 09/08/2019 11:30

If I was you I wouldnt be there when he tells the kids, karma will get him

WhoKnewBeefStew · 09/08/2019 11:35

It's his news, he should tell them, but only if you think he'll do it sympathetically. If you want think he may make a hash out if it and upset the dc is consider being there

MyCatHatesEverybody · 09/08/2019 11:37

As far as I'm aware the child maintenance part of the consent order can be overruled by the cms amount after a year (English and Welsh law).

He would have had to file for divorce under unreasonable behaviour or waited for two years as you can't cite your own adultery as grounds. It's annoying but it's not public record or anything. I know with unreasonable behaviour you can say you dispute the grounds but accept the application for the divorce - it might be too late for you to do that now but speak with your solicitor. Either way the records aren't public so no one will ever see the grounds apart from you, ex, and the legal people who've been processing the divorce for you.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you but you sound incredibly strong.

thepinkp · 09/08/2019 11:38

Words fail me, I guess the best you can take from this is that you got rid of him when you did! Finding this out a year on is yet another blow but just strengthens why you got shot of him. As for the sister covering for him.. karma will creep up on her one day. Bless you, this man really is a vile piece of work!

VeThings · 09/08/2019 11:39

Don’t change the basis of your divorce - there is no benefit to you. I don’t even know if it’s possible now, plus you may not come out with as beneficial settlement now that everyone knows there is another child for your ex to support.

Also if it’s for adultery, you name her as the co-respondent and she will then see all the paperwork (if it’s even possible for you to challenge and contest the divorce). Why would you want her involved in anything? No one sees the divorce paperwork, it’s not published anywhere. Your DC will know the truth when older.

As I understand it, the consent order is valid until someone varies it BUT after a year, your ex can apply for CMS to recalculate the support for the DC. My solicitor said it effectively sets the child support element for only 12months, then my ex could try to vary it.