Happy marriage after cheating? Please tell me this can work!

[Fellow]

Has anyone ever been able to sustain a long and happy marriage after cheating?

My friend's husband cheated on her with her best friend quite shockingly 16 years ago.

They're still together and much more solid than they were but she's not completely over it.

IME. The cheater may be happy, but you won't be.

When you say she's not completely over it, in what way? How?

Have you asked him why? Or more importantly do you understand why he cheated that you think you can move past it? You have to be really honest with each other in order to move towards rebuilding trust. Only you know. It not, then no.

I’ve tried to get over cheating in the past but it just ate me up inside. I could never fully relax, there was always this little voice in my head second guessing things. I’m sorry

In my opinion there is a big difference in cheating which boils down to the reason. You've those that are genuine cheaters in that they want to keep their lifestyle and have their affairs because they can get away with it. There is no getting over this as they will do it again and again. Or those that are good at heart and genuinely unhappy but have lost that communication with their partner so stupidly look for it elsewhere. That scenario you can get over if there is genuine remorse, love and a will to get back to where you were. Counselling would help. Which is it for you?

What about if your husband left you for a woman he worked with and they were going to move in together but she got cold feet and changed her mind, he then came back with his tail between his legs and asked to be forgiven? Can you move on after being second best?

There is such a wide spectrum in cheating. A drunken lonely one night stand, away on a business trip, with someone who cannot be contacted ever again, which gets admitted immediately through guilt to a partner may be one end. A lying, deceitful, long term, serial, gaslighting affair might be the other end of the spectrum. Both not easy to forgive, but some easier to rationalize and understand. So, yes, marriages can survive and thrive, but without trust, you have nothing. More than once is never a mistake.

IME it will never be the same. I tired it and lasted for 5 years but I was unbelievably miserable in that time. Can't say I regret it as I had my dd with him in that time but was I happy? Nope. Was he happy? Nope clearly not as he ended up cheating again.

I think anyone can try make it work but I honestly don't think it's possible to move on and forget it 100%.

If my dh cheated now, I wouldn't even attempt trying again. It's just not worth it. I'd probably still love the bones off him in some kind of weird way but I've learnt that when someone hurts you like that, you need to put yourself and your own happiness first. Otherwise your hair doomed to a life of misery when you did nothing wrong in the first place.

Maybe others are different - that's just my perspective.

Wouldn't catch me letting a cheater's penis near my fanjo ...

Are you the cheater or the betrayed spouse?
Watching with interest

I am sorry if your going through this OP, whatever side of it you are on.

My experience has been that a long term affair is never recovered from. For all involved.

@certificateofauthenticity

More than once is never a mistake.

Do you mean cheating with different ppl, or shagging the same affair partner more than once? Personally, I could possibly see how one incident of shagging could happen without prior planning (mistake), but to then repeat it (same person) a week later is unforgiveable, and no mistake. Interested in others' definition of this...

You know the answer OP.

My husband cheated with someone, he doesn't know her name, on a Stag party.

Oh love, I’m sorry :( How did you find out? How has he been behaving since then? What do you want to do?

I couldn't do it. The betrayal would be too much, whether it was one night or one year. You don't do that to someone you love.

She's not over it in the sense that she harbours resentment still. She speaks about it quite regularly.

Yes, it can work after infidelity. Humans are flawed and often weak creatures who make mistakes. Accept that and you'll be fine. It's up to you if you want the marriage to work.

I just want to know if people can over come it. I want to say I think we can but I'm sure that's what everyone says who doesnt end it immediately.

How long ago did you find out and how? What’s he doing to take responsibility? Has he had any consequences?

How did you find out?

So have you talked about it, was he remorseful, devastated. Did he tell you himself or did you find out? Is he wonderful in every other way? These are things to weigh up on the scales towards a decision...

My friend is a relationship counsellor and swears relationships can be rebuilt after infidelity but both partners have to be on board with it. There was a discussion about it on women’s hour radio 4 on Tuesday 10-11which I think you’d be able to listen to still on the podcast.

I guess it depends on how much monogamy and honesty mean to you