Happy marriage after cheating? Please tell me this can work!

[Fellow]

Has anyone ever been able to sustain a long and happy marriage after cheating?

Trust is like a vase.. once it’s broken, though you can fix it the vase will never be same again.

It depends on a lot of things...

How did you find out/how did he react?

Does he know/admit why he did it? Is he working hard, listening and making you feel safe again?

It depends. I cheated on an ex whilst on holiday but I was resentful of him wanting to do other stuff a way from me on holiday. I intended on splitting up with him but when I saw him I realised that actually I loved him and didn't want to split. We lasted a decade after that.

My ex cheated on me and I tried to make it work but just couldn't trust him. Afterwards I found out that he'd tried it on with a friend and probably cheated with more people so that wouldn't have worked anyway.

See i never get this.

You go on a stag/hen because you are getting married to the person you love. There may be the element of last night of freedom but if you are really happy, in love and excited to be getting married how/why would you cheat?

I hope you can make it work if that is what you want. I don't know how you ever forgive or forget though.

I’m assuming it wasn’t his own stag do...

I totally believe marriages can be happy after infidelity, of course after time and openness. My parents have been to together since they were 14 and they are now 54. There has been infidelity but they have a strong marriage now.

You may be interested in Esther Perel’s thoughts on infidelity.

Whatever happens OP take time to figure out what you want and don’t be rushed in o anything.

Interested to understand if stronger marriage just means tighter reins.

This is different for everyone.
I just want to know if people can over come it
Some people can and some people can't.
I couldn't. With ExH and ExP, cheating is a dealbreaker for me.
But others can and do overcome it.

I think a ONS is something that is slightly more forgivable than a sustained affair.
The lies and deceit and disrespect during as sustained affair is absolutely not acceptable.
A ONS!?? Only you can decide.

I couldn’t forgive. You don’t forget that you are in a relationship.

Someone asked how you found out. IMO of he admitted it, that would be better than finding out via other means. Men (me being one) can do things that are out of character when out in a group. Think peer pressure or mob mentality. This does not justify it, but it happens. So if say a one off sexual act occurs, I think a relationship stands a better chance of recovery. But the nub is truth. Without absolute truth (once something is discovered or admitted, ) there will never be trust. Without trust, you have nothing. Trust is like a plant you have nurtured, if it gets hacked down, it is possible for it to grow back, with the right care. This takes time and no further attacks on it, but it is never the same plant. My plant got hacked down ( not by me) and it's taken a long time for it to resemble what it once was. Just my opinion.

I couldn't forgive. I tried for 3 years after the affair but it ate me up inside. I became an anxious, paranoid, cynical person. Ex H desperately wanted us to work, but it seems it's the betrayed party who has to do all the work and I'm not that strong/forgiving. I was living a half life so that DD and DH were happy. If someone could give me a pill so that I could forget about the affair and carry on as if nothing happened I would take it so that DD wouldn't be from a broken home. It's shit either way to be honest.

There's a book by Kate Figes "Our cheating hearts" where she interviewed a lot of couples. Some got over the cheating (man forgave his wife), but she also found out (the statistics) that men are less likely to forgive a cheating partner. She advocates forgiveness as a way out but I personally suspect this is very difficult. Maybe this book is worth reading if you like that sort of books.

Tinker you probably read the thread very quickly. Ajas told OP about her friend who rebuilt a stronger marriage with her husband after he had an affair 16 years ago but was still resentful about the affair. At OPs request she explained that her friend keeps bringing up the affair. Nothing to do with s.o posting again and again about their issue here.

OP we are rebuilding our marriage after his affair. I thought until this morning that if I didn't have children with him I would have broken up. But this morning I felt that givenwhat he became and what he does to atone for his affair I would have stayed with him all the same...he is better than what he was when I fell in love with him more than 3 decades ago...so if your H does everything he can to atone for his behavior and if his behavior is out of character then yes you can rebuild a stronger marriage...that is the necessary part to rebuild it all. In addition it helps if you are honest with yourself and strong enough NOT to care about what others might or will say: If I were you I would have done this and that I would not have done and that...be honest and strong and follow your heart...but he must first show remorse and behave the best he can -on a continuous basis- to atone for his sins...

Another thing: I said follow your heart..
but NOT shortly after disclosure/discovery date..it is better to use your mind before -until you feel that you have connected back to yourself you have rediscovered your identity and until you are satisfied that his remorse and the positive changes in his behavior are sincere deep and lasting...

Error in post 2 above: I meant if 'his affair was out of character' ...

A one-off drunken shag: forgivable.
Full blown affair over months, with deceipt, ongoing lies etc: I would suspect only those with low self esteem/worth would cling to a marriage after this.

Kidsneed - it sounds like you have the equired emotional intelligence to make it through a partners infidelity. Many do not.
I bet you're a great mum too.

Thank you Nadia for your kind words...about kids: the affair made me a better mother and to a great extent a better person (there is still room for improvement for both department) -no doubt about it ...about the way other people react to affair: you know we all fear to some extent how others perceive us-and being the betrayed who did not LBT is often perceived as publicly claiming that you are a doormat...to paraphrase Sartre: hell is in the eyes of others...

Bit 🧐 at:

"Kidsneed - it sounds like you have the equired emotional intelligence to make it through a partners infidelity. Many do not.
I bet you're a great mum too."

No. It's not a failing on the side of the partner of a cheat, a failing in their intelligence, emotional or other; to not forgive cheating.

And the implication that a "great mum" is one who has the "emotional intelligence" to forgive is nonsense. Offensive, manipulative nonsense.

bird qualifying an act of "emotionally intelligent" does not necessarily imply that its opposite is a 'failing of intelligence, emotional or other '. Human feelings/thoughts run on a large multi-dimendional spectrum of emotions/philosophies. We are different from each others. (Vive La Difference). When we celebrate something others must not see in this celebration the negation of their opposite reaction to it. In affairs, the Western trend is to "despise" the betrayed that do not LTB. It requires what is called an emotional intelligence to overcome this contempt -go beyond the accepted trend and focus on the personal case per see. There are specific cases where the accepted LTB is absolutely fine -what makes the case specific include the personality of the people involved...

He is full of remorse. His character has been so different. In regards to everything! He did tell anyone. No on new what he had done. But no he didn't come clean on his own. We had our first counselling session yesterday and that went well.

*he didn't tell anyone.