Happy marriage after cheating? Please tell me this can work!

[Fellow]

Has anyone ever been able to sustain a long and happy marriage after cheating?

oh dear
l wish you all the luck in the world as l fear you are going to need it.
Don't be afraid to come back to MN when he cheats again.
Because he will.

My DH cheated 18 years ago. It was a drunk one night stand at a works do. It was eating him up and he confessed a couple of weeks later. At the time I knew that it could just as easily have been me, we had young DC, we were both stressed, had grown apart etc, so I was able to forgive him and it actually made us closer. We've had our ups and downs since then but they weren't related to the infidelity and we are still married. As others have said, if he's genuinely remorseful and not a serial cheater, you can get past it. Good luck 💐

As others have said, if he's genuinely remorseful and not a serial cheater, you can get past it

I think there are far too many complicating factors to be able to say that. This guy sounds like an arsehole to me and I really think the op needs to think carefully about why she’s so keen on him.

He just wants to move on and for get it. And I know that's what we have to do but I just don't know

That’s dreadful. He doesn’t get to deny you your feelings, he doesn’t get the dictate that you forget it and move on.

You can only have a chance at getting through this if he acknowledges and owns the hurt he’s caused you and the complete lack of trust and affect this will have on your marriage and your opinion of him forever more.

If this doesn’t happen, you’ll both be living in denial and further poison your relationship.

Fellow I am prepared to bet my mortgage that this won't be the only time this man cheats.
My STBXH of many years cheated. No one who knows him would have thought him capable of such a thing.
He confessed, was distraught, did the counselling as a couple and as an individual, was utterly disgusted with his own behaviour, read all the books and did all the right things etc etc etc.
We worked it through and eventually it faded into the background over about 4 years. I trusted him again because I felt he'd learned and had earned it.
Recently I discovered that he's been in internet/text contact with this woman (she lives abroad) for the past 3 years.
I'm obviously divorcing him.
Please don't think you have to try to put things right or make things work. You really don't. He's not the person you thought he was and the life you'd planned cannot now exist.
Every time you see him on his phone you'll wonder. If he's late home. If he looks a bit shifty when answering a question. If he shuts his laptop when you walk in the room.
He has shown you loud and clear who he is. Why would you disbelieve him?
Even with a DH who is prepared to put the work in - and yours clearly isn't - it's a massive massive risk to stay with him. Please don't waste your years with this loser.

You sound brainwashed, op

I cheated and am still with my husband. He seems happy, I'm not. I'm just too scared to rip the bandage off and actually end things. It's not good and I know I'm in the wrong. I still think about the OM all the time.
Having said this, it's because there are deep issues in our relationship that can probably never be resolved. Everyone has different reasons for cheating and noone can speak for all situations.

What @Joysmum said. If he isn't prepared to examine why he made those choices - because it wasn't one decision, was it? He could have chosen differently when he took his ring off, when he gave her a false name, when he started sexting her, when he called the taxi, when he got into the taxi and so on - then he's not concerned about future proofing your marriage to stop the same thing happening again.

is it actually possible for a man to get it up when drunk. I don't know as DH doesn't drink and I never did it with anyone previously when they were out of it so its never arisen (excuse the pun).

Seems 'drunken mistake' is a common excuse for cheating. Although it's not a 'mistake' either unless the woman trips and falls onto their naked erect penis .

You're a week into this OP. It will take longer than a week for you to let go of the expectations you had for your life and your relationship. But that dream has gone now. Whether you stay together or not, that dream has died. Grieve it. Let it go.

He’ll cheat again, but if you’re lucky you just won’t find out

I told him last night again, if he wants to, I'm not angry any more, we can just walk away. We can both start over no hard feelings. But he doesn't want to. He talked about why he doesn't know what he did but we do know how he got to that place.

I find it a very black or white thinking and a blanket statement to say ‘ once a cheater , always a cheater’ I met someone about 7 years into our relationship as we were growing apart and cheated once and we worked through it , I’ve never looked at another man again and we have a great relationship why is it different for men than it is for women , people make mistakes occasionally it doesn’t make them a complete write off .

I know two people whose marriages have continued and been happy despite cheating. You can only try and see. Counseling is a good step and being very clear about how you feel. The worst that can happen is you end up splitting because it just didn’t work. But at least you will know you tried to make it work.

@User2837 I'm in a similar situation and trying to work things through with dh who is very angry. My marriage has been difficult and still is.

OP every situation is different and in this life there is a lot of grey not just black and white

I'm 8 months on and I kid you not it's a serious rollercoaster ride. Some days I'm ok but that flashing thoughts and images going through my head are torturous! A week isn't long at all, are we talking a one night stand here or lengthy affair. Either way it's not easy to forgive and forget, I'm trying for the sake of my kids and our marriage (which I thought was good). I feel completely naive and deluded and doubt I'll ever trust another living soul.

• if he wants to, he can walk away?

You are a remarkably passive person and I really find your set up strange.

You bought your house- so he can pay his debts- you paid for the wedding-so he can pay his debts- he fucks off with another woman- pretends he’s stressed about parenthood- insists you go back to work - humiliates you and you docilely ask him to chose...

If he says jump, you’d ask how high...

The longer you're married the bigger the share of the house you paid for he'll be able to claim. Can you find some way of ring-fencing that at least. As a gesture of good faith on his part.

We have a legal affidavit now so financially I'm very secure whatever happens. I think that's why I feel better. And if he cheats again I walk away with everything. And he gets nothing and also has to repay me what he owes me. But I'm wobbly this morning. Cried today and I haven't done that from Wednesday.

Be easy on yourself, it’s been a week. You may have many days ahead where you wobble. Equally he has no right to tell you that he wants to forget about it and move on. It shows a distinct lack of care and consideration for you and how you may feel.

I was very much like you in the beginning sort of decided straight away that I would forgive him of course he said he was sorry and would do anything for me to take him back. You are in for a rollercoaster of emotions 2 years on I still can't get over it and wish I had left as soon as I found out. No he hasn't cheated again.... as far as I know but I will never be able to forget what he put me through or be able to stop bringing it up.

I'm really struggling today. I'm off and at home and I just can't believe he did it. I would have bet my life on him never doing this to me 😢

So do you really trust him never to do it again?

It's really horrible when it hits you.
You realise how much the really hurt you.
You can't understand why any human being would hurt another so much.
They change from the man you loved and who loved you and was always there for you, to someone who could literally break your heart for a shag.
It will take time.
A lot of time.
The path you are taking is longer and harder than just getting out.
But it can work.
But it takes a lot of time.
Be kind to yourself.

That's sounding a lot healthier to me. As if you've got over the first 'I don't believe it/how can this happen to me/can we carry on as usual' stage.
It hurts. I'd say get out now, while you can.