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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Happy marriage after cheating? Please tell me this can work!

141 replies

Fellow · 16/08/2018 09:20

Has anyone ever been able to sustain a long and happy marriage after cheating?

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 17/08/2018 09:33

OP I saw your other thread, you are minimising what he did.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 17/08/2018 09:36

And how he behaved afterwards.

Helmetbymidnight · 17/08/2018 09:48

Oh fellow Flowers this sounds really shit, and I can understand you wanting to smooth everything out quickly but... he isn’t a nice man.

I wonder why you’re bending over backwards for him...some individual counselling might help.

Tryingagain1 · 17/08/2018 09:52

No, because there's anyways an anxiety that pops into your head and discomfort that he may do/be doing it again.

Fellow · 17/08/2018 09:57

You are very right, because I know if I say what he did then there won't be a single person on here that would say it will will work.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 17/08/2018 09:58
Sad

Do you have family and friends supporting you?

Fellow · 17/08/2018 10:02

I do and they all can't believe that he done it. And they are all telling us we can make it work and he's not like that. We are the best couple they know, blah blah blah. That's why I just want to know if people have. And I read every post on here and some people have. The thing is I think I can get over it. But it's just what if he does it again

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 17/08/2018 10:11

That’s really tough, I do think individual counselling might help.

To me, it sounds like the relationship was very unbalanced- it sounds like you’re the giver and he’s the taker..It makes his deliberate and very public betrayal even worse.

Someone who doesn’t respect you isn’t going to suddenly screw your over and then respect you more. It doesn’t happen like that (Ime)
I would suggest some time apart (whatever your long term goal) - you can think over what you want and it will also show him you’re not taking his shit anymore.

catlady34 · 17/08/2018 10:15

I've tried to make it work with an exP, it was just too broken. I made myself miserable by pretending I was over it when actually every time he was nice to me I'd think "yeh but he cheated", I was paranoid and jealous, always thinking something was going on. Once they've proved that they will cross that boundary, you'll always be worried that they'll do it again.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 17/08/2018 10:43

I just seen the other thread I think what sticks out for me is he went to his hotel then made the choice to go and met up with this women. He also made a choice not to tell you but you found out by a third party. His decisions were a selection of choices he made. Are you feeling you have to make a go of things because you’re pregnant op?

sparklepops123 · 17/08/2018 11:45

It didn't for me but then it's all about trust for me. Funnily enough I didn't trust him properly from day one, just something in my gut. Remarried now and I now trust dh 100%

FromNowOn · 17/08/2018 12:31

Are you feeling you have to make a go of things because you’re pregnant op

That was my thoughts too. He actively chose to take off his wedding ring and cheat, I’m not sure I could get over that.

Fellow · 17/08/2018 14:17

But I don't want to talk about what he did to me. I just want to know of lives that have worked though cheating

OP posts:
Flippinflipflaps · 17/08/2018 15:27

My partner partner of 18 years had a one night stand, we were in a bad place. He intended to tell me straight away because he believed himself to be a good person, but couldn't do it.

I knew something had happened. 6 weeks later his guilt and another drunken night out and he started to tell. He thought a minimised version would allay his guilt and lessen the chance of me dumping him. Problem was, the minimised version was worse to me than the real thing -,' I met some one really special and it made me question my feelings for you, we only had one brief kiss' versus 'I was steaming drunk, this pretty girl paid me attention, I was flattered, we snogged the face of each other and had a seedy grope before I realised what a wanker I was and stopped'.

It took weeks to get the full story, and it was the lying that had hurt the most, he can make mistakes, we all do, but to calculatedly lie and manipulate someone you are supposed to love, and who is giving you a chance after you have fucked ip, that is hard to forgive.

Nearly 4 years later, I don't really care about what he did that night, but the loss of respect caused by his lying I wonder if I will ever get over. I have hardened towards him, in someway I wonder if I actually still love him.

Only you know if you can get over this, but the thing is you don't have to decide now. Why not say to yourself I will hold off making a decision for 6 weeks, or 12 weeks or however long you feel is right. You can ask for some space if you want. Or say yes I am going to work at it then change your mind if it doesn't feel right. It's your choice

inlectorecumbit · 17/08/2018 15:38

The thing is I think I can get over it. But it's just what if he does it again
Well you acknowledge the fact he might do it again, how will you know? Will you trust him not to? Well you trusted him not to do it in the first place so trust has been broken. He didn't even admit it to you himself.
No trust = no relationship in my book.
Do you want to always be wondering OP?
Flowers

Fellow · 17/08/2018 15:44

He just wants to move on and for get it. And I know that's what we have to do but I just don't know

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 17/08/2018 16:01

I bet he wants to just forget it
Wow that sentence would definitely be the death knell for me.
Twat.

kidsneedfathers · 17/08/2018 16:06

Fellow I fully understand that you dont want to talk about his cheating because you want to rebuild it all. I understand that you want to hear about successes to help you in your difficult and brave journey to rebuild it all. We have rebuild it. So here what I say about it: please do listen to all sides. Please let people on Mumsnet process the affair from their own experience or point of view and share with you their thoughts-their posts might weaken you at this stage but they will eventually strengthen your decisions (even your decision to fight to rebuild it). To a great extent they are kind of the Devil Advocate (a very essential role imho-i do play this role for friends/relatives etc to help them make a more informed and mature decision.) Do listen honestly to the ones who bring up the possible obstacles in your journey-and try honestly to jauge these obstacles (do they apply to your case? Can you overcome them etc) . Some posts will not be helpful because they might be judgemental or written by people who have a different approach from yours: they LTB on the spot (their right) whilst you want to rebuild it all for the sake of your kids and common past-and because you love him. Ignore these posts. However do read carefully the ones that are more objective -more specific to what you disclose in your posts. Maybe there are many little important details that you did not bring up on the posts. Use these objective feedbacks to see how these details we are not aware of do smooth or negate the obstacles pointed out to you. Ask your friends to help you read and reflect on such feedbacks. My philosophy: if the betrayed is willing to rebuild for the sake of the common past and the kids then "chapeau" and they deserve compassion and admiration. It is very tough and very heroic. A suggestion that worked for me: take time to be a bit on your own, to reconnect to yourself, to redefine who you are independently of him, to see that he is sincerely trying to atone for his "sins " before you bring him in your intimacy....and remember: rebuilding is a long process with progresses and setbacks that eventually help all sides to know better who they are and what they are looking for in their relationship...another thing: rebuilding is a joint effort both sides must be sincerely trying their best to make it work; each side must show compassion and understanding to the other side when they are weakened by the effort (understanding does not mean passively accepting what the other does -it just means being able to see why he/she does it and proposing a better approach...your joint aim.is to help each other becoming better/more considerate/more compassionate/honest etc that is the best basis of a relationship imho. ..good luck...I will soon be very busy and I will not have time to write on your thread but I will be thinking about you a lot (a friend told me that the book called something like: how my husband's affair became the best thing that happened to me is a great book -compassionate and humble...I found the book: how to help your spouse heal from your affair very empowering ...good luck...I am thinking about you your kid and baby in your womb...I wish you patience, a lot of love/compassion to your own self and a lot of strength...

Flippinflipflaps · 17/08/2018 16:15

He wants to move on and forget it - If he is serious about rebuilding your relationship he doesn't get to make that call, it gets moved on when you are ready, not before. He created this shit storm, he now has to ride out.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/08/2018 16:46

He just wants to move on and for get it
Of course he does.
The fucking insensitive prick!!!!

He has absolutely no idea what you are going through.
Have you read THIS BOOK together?
If not then do so.
He needs to understand what needs to happen. Right now he has no friggin' clue.

Fellow · 17/08/2018 16:48

I have called him every name under the sun. I have said very hurtful things to him and I don't regret them. He knows this. He is remorseful. He is all the things he's meant to be. No matter what I say to him he takes it on chin. Its been less than a week and I don't hate him know. I don't feel like I love him though, but I don't hate him either.

OP posts:
Fellow · 17/08/2018 16:49

*now

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 17/08/2018 17:02

It's only been a week.
You need give this much more time.
He needs to understand this.
It will takes months and months.
And even then you may not be over it.
Right now you are shocked and numb.
Unless he can understand that you can't just forget it and brush it under the carpet then you'll never be able to rebuild.
Did he say why he did it?

IrianOfW · 17/08/2018 17:17

Yes, I think we are in a better relationship than ever. BUT... it took over 5 years to make it like this. And H was hugely remorseful. It was a dreadful time and only began to improve at all after about 18 months and then slowly got better and better after that. I am glad we stayed together now but I am not sure I'd have given it a go if it hadn't been for 25 plus years together and 3 children.

The final big improvement happened when I realised that every disagreement we had was being linked to me back to the affair. I was using it as my get out of jail free card. I had a good hard think and took a huge figurative breath and let it all go. Such a relief!

If your H is not truly remorseful (hint: just wanting you to get over it is not remorseful) and neither of you are prepared for the long haul, forget it. Sorry. Good luck with whatever you decide x

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 17/08/2018 17:23

OP you have your head very deep in the sand here 😕. And this WILL happen again based on your other thread.

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