Happy marriage after cheating? Please tell me this can work!

[Fellow]

Has anyone ever been able to sustain a long and happy marriage after cheating?

He just wants to move on and for get it

This is why your relationship is doomed.

We stayed together for further two miserable years after, I wish i’d ended it when I found out. I feel bitter that I gave him those extra years, don’t do it!

Have just clocked who you are (other thread)

The only way you could even cling on to this dreadfuly damaged relationship is to get a lobotomy, turn yourself into a Stepford Wife and remove all possibility of independent thought

This man is not worth it. Not by a long way and neither is any man worth you totally trashing any self respect you have left

I personally don't think I would be able to ever get over it, speaking from experience. I left the day I found out was also pg but from reading your other thread my ex had been having an ongoing affair rather than a one night stand.

But I will say, what you do is your decision. If you feel you should give your marriage and DH a chance then do that. Even as a previous poster said put a timeframe on it. Reassess in a month, or two or three. Or if it's obvious before then don't feel you have to hold out.

You don't owe him a chance. Don't feel guilted into anything. The second he starts becoming all "woah is me" "give me pity" make sure to give him a kick in the ass and remind him you don't owe him.

Also get your ducks in a row. Your other post mentioned you bought the house and paid for the majority of the wedding, maker sure your financially better off than him if you do split. He shouldn't be getting anything that is rightfully yours.

Be strong, and make sure to utilise your friends and family xx

I dint think you ever get over it. H cheated about seven years ago. From then on he has online relationships. Due to this and other issues i am now divorcing him.

God it seems like most people don't make it through this. I have got all ducks in a row and that makes me feel 10times better. I have always thought once a cheat always a cheat. But I want the life we planned together

The life you planned together no longer exists.
It is a life together based on lies and cheating.

It is highly unlikely he will not do it again, cut your losses or be for ever wondering what he is up to.....

It’s been less than a week and I think you’re wanting to bury your head in the sand and make it all go away. That won’t happen. Also how can he be remorseful yet wanting to forget about it and move on. Wtf?

He doesn’t get to decide that. If and when you move on is up to you, and you may not ever do so. He needs to know that. Take time, have some space and see how you feel. Him wanting to forget about it is deeply offensive and hurtful. Maybe he’s just sorry you found out.

I found that it was almost like I was going through a bereavement. You go through similar stages, Shock and anger for example.

I don't like to say it but he wasn't thinking of your life together you had planned.

It may be possible you can work through it, but can you honestly say that you won't feel resentment towards him?

Does he know you are pregnant? x

My ExH cheated on me and I just couldn't get it out of my head. I would never trust him again and I just couldn't live my life like that. I made the right decision and he went on to have children with the cheatee and promptly did the same thing to her. I dreaded life as a single parent but it has been wonderful, hard work but wonderful 💐 for you

Oh, darling! I agree with Eleaf30!

It sounds like you have some really supportive friends around you who will be there regardless.

I was cheated on previously and I ended up on Anti-anxiety medication. It was different because he used to tell me it was "all in my head" when I called him out on it before he eventually admitted it after we broke up, and we weren't married though so it was different. We hadn't been through that. I actually became so paranoid I checked his phone because he used to delete all of his texts!!!

I knew in my gut it was wrong, and I felt so hurt! I can't imagine how you must feel :(

I see in the earlier posts you mentioned you're pregnant. This should be such an exciting time for you!!! Do you think maybe you're scared of doing it on your own? That's normal if so! But if it doesn't work out you can still co-parent. I've seen it done.

I think it's definitely one thing to go through it when you don't have that tie. But quite another when a baby is involved.

It sounds like you really want to make a go of it, and you really deserve to have all the things you want. I think only you can really decide what you want to do and it will take a lot of effort and forgiveness to get through it. It will always be there and you will need to really be able to see past it.

I'm not the type of person who can do that, it's not my nature. I would have to walk away.

Personally, I think you deserve more than him. You sound lovely and I think you should have your dream and not have to compromise because you think you're doing what's right and try to make him 'fit' into the plan you want so badly.

I think you need to get your closest friends together, have a bit of a pamper session lots of hugs (with him nowhere near - you don't say what the situation is at home right now) and talk it through. Be able to say all of the things on your mind.

If they are as amazing as you say they won't judge you whatever you decide.

Good luck Fellow! Please update us on how you get on xxx Much love!

You can stay together and move on but things are never quite the same, but that becomes your new normal - I lived with it for many many years but it's such freedom now being in a relationship where there has been no cheating and a 100% trust.

But I want the life we planned together

That really comes across in this and your other thread.

You have such a strong desire to make everything alright and to make this family work but I think deep-down you know you are carrying him. And now he has betrayed you in a deliberate way.

You don’t have to do anything at all - but keep those ducks lined up- I’d be very surprised if you didn’t need them soon.

It is possible to forgive, to become stronger, and for the memory and pain to subside. It is possible for humans to do some amazing things.

99% of those who post on MN will tell you otherwise.

It takes people who are 'not like everybody else' to do something different.

I didn't throw him out. He's been here all this time. I'm so sorry that so many have you have also gone through this. Why? Why do they think they can do this. I honestly don't think they know the pain it causes.

Long - yes, happy - sometimes - this is my friend who asks herself every day why she is still with him. Mine - no - let him stay and had 5 years of misery with him , Divorced now and so much happier . You just never forget . Nothing worse than not being able to trust someone - it eats away at you and destroys you.

Those that tried to work at it, after you found out your H cheated did he make you happy to begin with and then it stopped or you never felt happy properly once you new?

Sadly, I just don't think it's possible to forgive and forget in this situation. It's better to accept that not every relationship is forever and move on. People always put themselves first, you need to our yourself first now.

The deliberate chasing of a random woman aside, isn’t it a bit odd that he barely contributed to your house or your wedding?

Don’t you think that’s a bit...crap?

*It is possible to forgive, to become stronger, and for the memory and pain to subside. It is possible for humans to do some amazing things.

99% of those who post on MN will tell you otherwise.

It takes people who are 'not like everybody else' to do something different.*

Indeed, and we call those people “doormats”.

Hope you find the strength to leave, OP. 💐 He sounds absolutely worthless and you deserve better.

My exh cheated. It was emotional agony, not exaggerating.

I did everything I could to rebuild trust. It was so, so hard, so painful. But I thought it would be worth it to have the life we planned.

Eventually I did trust him again. It took years, and was difficult and painful. Then he did it again. And wanted to be forgiven again.

We are now divorced and I am happy again. The poster upthread who appears to have an axe to grind and said it takes emotional intelligence to make it work is talking bollocks. The emotionally intelligent thing to do would have been to end it after the first affair.

You can't benchmark or gauge your chances based on other relationships OP

You have to do what's right for you. In my experience no relationship will ever have the same trust if someone has been cheated on, regardless of if they stay with the cheater or not. My trust in people was rocked not just in the person who cheated on me.

Some people will say if it was a one off I could cope if it was long term I couldn't etc. In reality the detail behind it all does matter if you don't want to leave straight off the bat. Use the counsellor to work through things. I would recommend seeing a counsellor by yourself too. I have heard dodgy things about Relate some have had great experiences and others have said they felt there was bias and the relationship was being prioritised above all else.

My friends fiancé cheated on her a year ago. They are still together but she never trusts him and their relationship is very strained. I don't think it'll last much longer! You can never, ever get that trust back again.

My dad cheated on my mum when I was 10. I'll never forget how devastated she was - kneeling over the toilet throwing up.

They are still married. They have an amazing marriage now. They are looking forward to retirement. They've been together forever and will be together forever. He's never cheated again.

Im 35 now and the last several years have been very eventful for our family. Mum has had cancer. Mine and one of my sister's marriages have broken down. We've all had kids. It's all incited conversations with mum that we wouldn't otherwise have had and I've learnt more about how she feels about it all 25 years later.

She loves him more than anything, always has but she has a sort of cynacism about him and men in general. A sort of trust she lost forever, but even if she split with him, she'd never have got that back anyway.

No matter how happy she is now, if we talk about the affair, she will cry. Its something she will never fully get over. It's a grief she has learnt to carry with her. She describes it as like 'the death of something'.

She doesnt regret working through it. They are very happy and a very strong couple, but they have been lucky. Dad made it so their marriage could never be the same again.

It's a week today I found out. And I don't feel half as bad as I did. I feel like we can make it work. And I don't feel like I'm going to be unhappy for our whole relationship. I found the counseling helpful. And thank you for the books and for the podcast. I listened to the podcast today and I found that helpful.