Can I abstain until he gets the snip?

[extraketchup]

I've name changed but I'm a regular.

I can't tolerate hormonal contraception at all. I've tried:
Mirena - bled incessantly
Combined pill - aura migraines and I got pregnant on it.
Mini pill - incessant bleeding and severe headaches

Also tried natural cycles and yes it works but I can't relax. Condoms are a total killer.

Dh and I are 30 and 38 respectively with two kids. Definitely don't want anymore. It shouldn't just be up to me to provide the contraception and especially have to put up with awful side effects so I've asked him to get the snip. He won't. I'm so put off sex as I just cannot get pregnant. Aibu to say I'm not having it unless he does it? I know it sounds blackmailing but what else??

GP refused me a sterilisation.

She agreed to have a 'sexual union' with him on the understanding that he would do something along the lines of love, honour and comfort her, forsaking all others
What a lot of rubbish! Loving and honouring someone in marriage is not to do what your OH demands when it only benefits them, especially when indeed, there are other options.

Funny how OP hasn't come back on the posts that suggested that actually, she should be able to get sterilised, just maybe not on the NHS.

he GP said the rules for referring patients had now changed and they now had to have the women try all the options first. I really feel this unfairly impacts on women
The rules for referring under the NHS. A vasectomy is actually quite a cheap operation, anyone could save and pay for it privately if it meant so much to them.

Loving and honouring someone in marriage is not to do what your OH demands when it only benefits them

Like the sex OP has no interest in but is having, plus facilitating with daily temperature charting that requires precision, for her husband's sake?

especially when indeed, there are other options.

All of which OP has tried and suffered with, or explored with her own doctor and been refused. So what comparable effort has her husband made?

It is nature's fault that women are the ones at risk for unwanted pregnancy not his.

There may not be a solution. If he decides not to have a vasectomy and she decides that she does not want to risk sex, that could be the end of the marriage.

swingofthings have you read the OP's 09:41 post? S

She had a 3rd degree tear when giving birth to her first child, which required 3 subsequent operations to fix.

She had a cesarean section with her second child - this is massive abdominal surgery with considerable risks and recovery time.

She suffered aura migraines due to pregnancy hormones during pregnancy. She has mental health issues including panic attacks resulting from pregnancy and birth.

She's tried multiple forms of birth control over 7 years all if which have caused her unpleasant side effects.

But poor didums man shouldn't have to seriously consider a vasectomy or abstinence. He's a man doncha know. The op should have a more invasive operation because he doesn't like the idea of a vasectomy.

It is nature's fault that women are the ones at risk for unwanted pregnancy not his

It's been at least two thousand and seventeen years since any woman got pregnant without the help of a man, so that one doesn't really stack up.

I know many, many men who have had a vasectomy with no side effects and many, many more women who have taken many forms of contraception who have really suffered. A vasectomy is far easier than sterilisation. If he won't step up then I'd agree - no sex. If he walks from the marriage then see a SHL and make sure you get what's owed.

There's nothing wrong with a sexless marriage if both parties are comfortable with it. Would your husband be ok with no more sex?

If not, would you permit him to have sex outside the marriage?

I don't think anyone should have sex if they don't want to. I don't think anyone should have a medical procedure they don't want or take medication to stop getting pregnant if they're not comfortable with it.

I'm not really seeing any solutions to your issue unless husband is ok with a sexless marriage. You don't enjoy sex and don't want it so the contraception issue is really besides the point.

The MRAs are out in force today.

You absolutely do not have to have sex if you don't want to. No one is entitled to have sex with another person if that person doesn't want it.

But by the same taken you cannot force your DH to have a life changing surgery to remove his fertility if he doesn't want to. You aren't entitled to make that decision for him.

I know no one likes to think of their relationship failing but at the end of the day they do sometimes. And yes, sexless marriages do fail for that reason a lot of the time.

My friend is with her DP who had the snip at 32 because he and his then wife didn't want more kids. He's now divorced and unable to have children with my friend. It has affected them massively as a couple. It's personally affected him mentally too as he now has to deal with the fact that he can't go on to have more children with a future partner whereas his exW can and has.

I can't imagine how awful that must feel and I know for a fact he regrets it massively.

You don't know what the future holds and I think you're extremely young to expect your DH to do something like this if he doesn't feel comfortable doing so.

obviously the children which she birthed, resulting in 3rd degree tear, 3 operations to fix that, cesarean section operation to deliver the second child, various pregnancy related health problems, are his* children, results of having sex with a man who won't even have a vasectomy to spare his wife the risk of another pregnancy, surgery or the side effects of hormonal contraception.

She's the one who's had 4 operations already as a direct result of sex with this man. He's taken no risks with his health and fertility, as usual the woman takes all the risks and suffers all the pain and discomfort and gets told she isn't trying hard enough to compromise and consider her husband

I can see what you mean OP and understand how you feel. Perhaps as you’re so sure the gp shouldn’t have refused sterilisation. Is it something you could pursue privately ?
I would say though it’s never ok to pressurise someone into having their fertility permanently ‘removed’ . It hopeless to me - I was forced into sterilisation (by doctors) I was distraught and ended up having a reversal after ivf didn’t work so it needs to be the persons own decision

And I really really still don’t understand why there aren’t more options available for men-sur my they could come up with something to even things up. So many options for women very few for men

I agree HedgeHog. It's ridiculous that the responsibility falls solely on women. Very frustrating.

I know many, many men who have had a vasectomy with no side effects

That's unlikely to be true. Firstly what's many, many?

Secondly doctors know the side effects are under reported because men generally don't go to the doctors unless it's something really bad. It's likely that these many many men also choose not to share this with other people.

That said, there's no easy answer here. I totally get the ops point of view. But also believe her dh has the right to choose. Especially given that she isn't really bothered about sex.

I am willing to bet there are other problems within this marriage. I wouldn't give up my fertility for someone who didn't want to have sex anyway and didn't believe that sex was an important part of marriage.

I know anecdote is not data and all that. But I'm going to say this anyway. I'm in my 40s. The vast majority of my friend's husbands have had a vasectomy, as has my own husband. Not a single one of them reported any sort of side effects beyond needing to take a few paracetamol the next day.

Whereas we are all mothers and every single one of us has had long term side effects from pregnancy and birth, ranging from incontinence requiring surgical correction, to long term abdominal pain to long term mental health problems, lost sensation during sex, scarring due to bad stitching etc, the list is almost endless.

I continue to be baffled at how the fact that some men suffer pain after vasectomy is considered more risky than an unwanted pregnancy, in physical terms.

I'm not having sex with him until I know conclusively I will not get pregnant. I have asked the GP for a sterilisation but got refused.

You do realise that NO method of contraception is 100% guaranteed don't you?

Unless you remove your uterus then you need to either accept that there's a tiny risk involved or not have sex ever again.

I'm all for vasectomy if it's right for the couple. I hate hormonal contraception too but the reality is that you both need to use what works best for you BOTH. Or abstain. I can't imagine your OH going for abstain though and that isn't far. You've said you'll happily never have sex again which I suspect this your main issue here. You need to explore why that is and communicate with your OH.

Wineglass, you're post did give me a good laugh, thanks for that.

I meant YOUR post.

I was laughing so much at the absurdity of calling a vasectomy 'self mutilation' that I forgot how to spell for a minute.

.

OP if you don’t particularly like sex anyway then just insist on condoms. I don’t think anyone could argue this is unreasonable. If he then decides he doesn’t want to use them, he knows the alternative ✂️

*She had a 3rd degree tear when giving birth to her first child, which required 3 subsequent operations to fix.

She had a cesarean section with her second child - this is massive abdominal surgery with considerable risks and recovery time.

She suffered aura migraines due to pregnancy hormones during pregnancy. She has mental health issues including panic attacks resulting from pregnancy and birth.

She's tried multiple forms of birth control over 7 years all if which have caused her unpleasant side effects.

But poor didums man shouldn't have to seriously consider a vasectomy or abstinence. He's a man doncha know. The op should have a more invasive operation because he doesn't like the idea of a vasectomy.*

I always say, women are strong, much stronger than men. What our bodies go through and we suffer through it, but men are unwilling to either have a snip without believing it's mutilation or the whole sex is not able to withstand side effects that women have to put up with.

If we truly understood our power, we would be ruling the world, not men...

I continue to be baffled at how the fact that some men suffer pain after vasectomy is considered more risky than an unwanted pregnancy, in physical terms

This. We know what women go through and we know the effects and side-effects. But somehow these are minimised and the potential, negligible and mythical effects of anything men have to do to prevent women going through the above are magnified - and of course, women who are turned off sex or are simply prepared to go without it are stroppily told that they should expect their partners to wander towards more uncomplaining women.

If you don't want anymore children then you should go for the snip yourself. Forcing your OH to go for an operation because you don't want anymore seem VU.

Bloody hell not much teamwork displayed on here.

After what my body has been through, let alone my mental load with it all....I felt completely comfortable with my DP to say "no more"....

Don't want to take hormones everyday, done that for almost 25 years, don't want any springy things lodged up yonder, or to be touched any more in any way shape or form, no more surgery, and he wasn't too keen on the Condoms TBH.

Thankfully after what he's witnessed over the years, he decided to step up and I'm pretty sure he has no regrets.

He stepped up and 'self mutilated'

Perhaps Op feels similar