My poor Daughter

[upset70]

Not sure where this one fits...

I feel like my DD is a laughing stock, it goes back to when she was very first born, she has always been chubby and when she started walking/crawling she was clumsy (as all babies are) and the family used to joke that she was like a bulldozer and would say things like "hide all the ornaments if emily is coming around..". I thought maybe I was just being paranoid but it seems to have followed her around as shes grown up.

When she started nursery the other kids used to ask their mums why she "had a fat belly" and why she "looked like that" and their parents would always brush their comments off with an embarrassed smile. When she started reception the other kids would roll their eyes whenever they saw her coming, they would call her dopey and say things like "stay away from me today I dont want my pictures ruined" etc. She has always been quite forgetful and the one time one of the girls in her class had a party and told my daughter that she couldnt go as she'd forget the date and then the other girls started laughing at her saying she'd forget were she was going half way there etc.

She's now 11 and this attitude towards her has continued all through her life, the teachers say things to me like "she's a dreamer" and "she's in her own little world" but the other kids are more nasty saying she's "gormless" and docile. We were in town a few weeks ago and she saw one of the boys from her class and as he walked past her she did that "duh" face (where they stick their tongue in their bottom lip) and shouted "duh" really loud in her face, all his mates burst out laughing and he said "its ok, she'll forget about it by monday"

When she started her secondry school last september the 2nd day there they had a pe lesson where my DD ended up falling over in front of the entire year group, this totally wrecked any hope she had for making friends at this school and they all keep going on about it to her "show us how you fell over" every 5 minutes etc

Today was the straw that broke the camels back really, she had been invited to a party by one of the kinder girls in her class, turns out she only invited her because her mum felt sorry for my DD anyway somewhere over the past few weeks my DD had heard it was a fancy dress so we went all over yesterday to get her a costume, we got her an "elizibeth swan" costume and she went in it all proud today only to realise when she got there that it wasnt fancy dress at all, one of the bitchy little brats had told her it was for a laugh. She was the only one dressed up, the "kind girl" just looked confused and looked at her mum as if to say "what do I say?", my DD was obviously mortified, the rest of the girls were in hysterics and even the parents were giggling among themselves.

I just feel so sorry for her, is life always going to be like this for her? she tries to laugh along with them but she's hurting.

oooo

Don't progect you worry on to her too much - I was always the gormless, friendless one when I was young.

Piss on pity, as the disabled activists say.

I can see the MN HQ van tearing through the streets right now heading for an address that is, as yet, unknown.............

my troll radar tweeked too - if geniune my advive stands; piss on pity - most of the most creative, famous and beautiful people in our world today were thought of as freaks. it's true

Here is my post from the other thread...

"Well, I'm new here and I feel supported by what you have written for upset70.

That could have been me posting, but my DD is only 7. She has always been big (tall as average 9 yr old and size 2feet), solid, forgetful, clumsy, daydreamer ... despite fish oils, gym for learning, having her own pony (which she thought would make girls want to be her friends - also her balance is so poor she's scared stiff of anything other than walking)ballet and a supportive family who don't mock her size/clumsyness.

The school have been useless with the bullying and say no dyspraxia - despite still reversing numbers and some letters and having a reading age 4 yrs above her spelling abitiy.

She recently was crying and said, "mummy, maybe I'm just the sort of girl who never has any friends" God makes me cry just thinking about it. She is a quite polite girl who regulary is excluded from playing by her friends 'as she wouldn't understand the game' or can't run as fast etc, says she doesn't mind not having anyone to play with but it breaks my heart.

I have secured her a place in a diff school, but it has a lower educational standard and my DH (who is not the one who has to prop up her self esteem and dry her tears) wants her to stay where she is."

So mine is quite similar to the OPs. Anyone want to accuse me of being a troll? I've only posted a few times on here because I'm new. TBH I'm put right off. My first ever post (on a diff forum) was about my DD being bullied - I didn't know about all the DD stuff then. Also if there is a time limit to how often one has to reply on threads I'll be kicked out as I have two children who aren't parked in front of the TV all day whilst I post on here!

Poor little girl.
Have you thought about enrolling her in some martial arts classes?
Good for self conferdence, balance and so on.

I am sure your DD will grow up in to a lovely happy young woman with a good job, while the rest of them will be asking "do you want fry 's with that?"

Funny how bullies are long forgotten but victims of bullying go on to do great things and become some of the most caring people in society.

Bullies are just people low on self worth themselves. They have to be to get their kicks from humiliating others. Not very intelligent either. Lowest common denominator with a base humour. Their lives are mundane and average.

Emily sweetheart, you are 100 times more than any of them. Most of us have been the victim at some point in our lives, and it made us more compassionate, more determined, more focused. Most of my bullies ended up with around 5 kids by different fathers by the time they were in their 20s and their lives were going nowhere. And you know what? I can't even remember their names!

Desiderata I think you need to take a long hard look at your own posting style. You have behaved like a troll on this thread. And if you are in you forties I have no concept of how you can have got there and remained so immature.

Strange also how your name is a poem about how to "live peacefully".

Im very sorry for my doubtful post, upset. Please dont stop posting. I`ll go back to what I originally posted and say that I think you are a lovely mum, and if my mum had been as caring as you are, I would have been a lot happier in my childhood.

Thank you Tang - and others

I have also been through seeing my children desparately hoping that something will make the other children like them, and it is upsetting. If it is any consolation, they do grow out of it, things do change and move on, other children do come and go.

I think with bullying, it is very important that your child sees you supporting them. Not just being angry at home, but going out and doing something about it. I once confronted the parents of a boy that was harassing my dd (interestingly, the mother thanked me for coming to see her rather than making a problem in the school). I also saw my ex (who is very scary!) telling the chief bully off. This boy looked terrified when he saw dd's father coming, and the bullying stopped.
There is no way I would let another child bully one of mine in front of me, without saying something.

I also think it is very important to teach your child what is normal and what isnt, if they dont seem to do it instinctively. It may sound obvious, but sometimes you have to give them extra help on how to behave around other children. This doesn't always come naturally.
We talk through situations, and how the children should behave, and why other children react as they do, and we also talk about how other children behave, and what the reasons might be (new int he school, child might have own problems etc).

I'm in the same camp as Desiderata.
Alycat: I can tell that you are a genuine mum and not a troll. There are differences between your posting style and the OP. I could explain what they are but that would just give added information to future trollers.
I'm just surprised that others can't see it.

I don't care if it is a troll, though there was nothing to make me think it was - I've witnessed this kind of bullying and it rang very true.
I replied on the other thread before reading this one, and frankly, the 'troll' may have done some people a favour by creating this hypothetical thread, if such it is (and I still dont' think it is).
I hope someone has found some help in it somewhere.

Btw I posted recently over something very sensitive, and changed my name just for that...luckily nobody thought I was faking, sometimes these things are just cripplingly shameful.

Give it a rest though ladies - not much of a put-off for a troll, and hugely upsetting for a genuine poster.

I read the other thread yesterday but didn't post at the time and have been thinking about it ever since. Whether or not upset will come back to look at this, it's clear that a number of mothers are worried about similar issues with their dcs, Alycat in particular. It is the most heartbreaking thing - something that I have experienced as a child, not outright bullying, but being left out of things and finding it hard to keep friends due to being socially very inept and just not "getting" what I was supposed to do with them, and then it got worse as I put on huge amounts of weight when I was 12 (due to taking steroids for a blood problem, but other kids were not interested in the reasons). I would say that I spent the majority of my spare time between the age of 9 and 13 totally on my own. What changed things for me was joining a church youth group at 14 - I realise this is not for everyone - but they were so kind and welcoming, gave me a structured place where I could get to know people and contribute, and gradually I got better at speaking to people, making friends, and I even got a snog from a boy when we went away on a camp week . These days, I am a sporadic church goer, but what has stayed with me is the importance of kindness and what it can mean to people who are suffering. I also have good friends and a busy, generally happy life. I also believe, as many other posters have said, that those who struggle with popularity at school are most likely to make a good life for themselves later on, but I know that doesn't make you feel any better when your dd is so sad. I truly feel for you and I hope that things start to go better for her soon.

I just wanted to add, although going over old ground a little, that we had a similar experience with the 'party dress code' prob that upset70 had.

My dd was invited to a pottery painting party straight after school with all the girls from her class, on previous parties everyone just went in uniform.

When I went to collect her from school to drop her and a pal at the party, she looked really sad and said "Mummy, I'm the only one without stuff to change into." It transpired that several of the mums had phoned around and 'set the dress code' - I don't think they didn't call me to be unkind, just all thought someone else would do it (I hope anyway).

I raced home with her and her pal, and found her the appropriate items whilst her pal changed too. Maybe this is extreme and I should have sent her in her uniform, but I didn't want them to have yet another reason to laugh/exclude her.

So perhaps because I have experienced similar behaviour from both girls and their mums I am more likely to empathise with the situation than some of you?

Alycat, I don't think it's a case of not empathising with the situation. I was one of the original doubters, and only felt compelled to post my doubts because I was concerned the writing of this post was bullying in itself. Kids do this - chatroom/ email bullying and so on. It has to be said, the OP did seem like a list of unfortunate incidents and sadly did not contain anything positive about "Emily" at all. I'm sure she has many good points. Everyone does. The OP should focus on these, concerned mother or otherwise.

Whowever Emily is, I really hope life works out for her and that her mother helps her recognise and build on her strengths.

i was accused of being a troll last year when i "ranted" about something that had really upset me. this was really the only place i could go as i absolutely couldn't talk to anyone about it at the time. why don't we just give people the benefit of the doubt and advise and help them.after all,someone somewhere could be going through something very similar and might be glad of the thread.

i was accused of being a troll last year when i "ranted" about something that had really upset me. this was really the only place i could go as i absolutely couldn't talk to anyone about it at the time. why don't we just give people the benefit of the doubt and advise and help them.after all,someone somewhere could be going through something very similar and might be glad of the thread.

Hmmm... funny isn't it how a post about bullying has been dealt with (in many instances)with more bullying.

My dd aged 11 has also suffered from this type of treatment at school and I have seen it knock her self-esteem back quite considerably.

My advice to her is find ways to deal with it (rather then trying to ignore the problem) because in my experience nasty, pathetic, vindictive little girls grow up to be nasty vindictive pathetic women - and some of them become mumsnetters!

The only thing that will change is that as my dd grows up, she will start to have more choices about the types of people she spends time with.

THIS IS MY 1ST POST. I ORIGINALLY SOUGHT OUT THIS SITE TO OBTAIN ADVICE ABOUT PROBLEMS THAT I'VE BEEN HAVING FOR SEVERAL MONTHS NOW CONCERNING A COIL THAT I HAD FITTED. YES,I AM A MUM BUT,THAT ISN'T HOW I FOUND THIS SITE. I SIMPLY GOOGLED THE NAME OF MY COIL & THIS SITE WAS 5 OR 6 DOWN THE LIST OF RESULTS. THOUGHT TO MYSELF "WELL,WHO BETTER TO BE ABLE TO ADVISE ME?" WROTE OUT MY POST. WAS GOING TO POST IT IN RELATIONSHIPS & ALSO IN HEALTH. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SEEN AS A "NO-NO" I NOW UNDERSTAND THOUGH? RIDICULOUS! WHO MADE SOME OF YOU GOD? HAD 2 TABS OPEN & THOUGHT THAT I WOULD HAVE MORE OF A LOOK AROUND 1ST AS THE POST THAT I WAS REPLYING TO WAS MONTHS OLD & I DIDN'T WANT TO BE WASTING MY TIME. HAVE JUST FINISHED READING ALL OF THESE POSTS & WELL...WOULD'VE MADE ME WANT TO TURN & RUN IF I WAS A MORE DELICATE CREATURE THAN I AM. I DO BELIEVE THAT UPSET70 IS,SORRY...WAS,A 38YR OLD WOMAN & MOTHER WHOS HEART IS BREAKING. TOTALLY & UTTERLY GENUINE. BLATANTLY,OBVIOUSLY SO. PARTICULARLY FROM HER RATHER DIGNIFIED REPLY. OH,FFS! OF COURSE HER DAUGHTERS NAME ISN'T "EMILY." THE WOMAN WAS USING IT AS AN EXAMPLE. SHE WORKS LONG HOURS..SOME PEOPLE DON'T HAVE 24HR ACCESS TO A COMPUTER/HAVE A MORE FULL LIFE THAN TO BE EAGERLY AWAITING EVERY NEW POST THAT POPS UP. JEEZ! HEY,SOME PEOPLE ARE FORGETFUL...I AM FOR INSTANCE. I AM DIAGNOSED AS HAVING "ADHD." I HAVE MYSELF IN HYSTERICS REGULARLY AS TO HOW I CANNOT REMEMBER A SINGLE PART OF A FILM THAT I WATCHED THE NIGHT BEFORE. NADA. IT SEEMS THAT THERE ARE SOME INDIVIDUALS WHO TREAT THIS PLACE LIKE A PLAY-GROUND. MAYBE BECAUSE,THEY'VE NEVER LEFT IT. IN MY OPINION "UPSET70" IF YOU DO STILL LOOK IN FROM TIME TO TIME,I KNOW THAT YOU SAID THAT YOUR DAUGHTER'S BEEN TESTED FOR AUTISM BUT,SHE SOUNDS IDENTICAL TO MY STEP-DAUGHTER "PENELOPE" WHO HAS "ASPERGERS SYNDROME." A DIAGNOSIS ISN'T ALWAYS CORRECT.IT'S A DIFFICULT ONE.SOMETIMES DETAILS CAN BE MISSED. AND TO THE SPITEFUL,"INTUITIVE" ERM.."LADIES" ON HERE...IF UPSET70 WAS A "TROLL",THEN SOME OF YOU PLAYED HIS/HER GAME. YOU ARGUED & BULLIED. BRAVO!!! KELLY(REAL NAME)38YR OLD LONDON UK MOTHER OF 4.

wondering why you have posted on a thread that is over 2 years old ?

Not sure the point of your post Kelly (aside from giving me a migraine with your capitals), but this thread is 18 months old. Most of the people on here probably don;t even use MN anymore.