I know my parents are toxic. But I wasn't prepared for this and I don't know what to do.

[kardashianklone]

I'm sorry, this is long. I've tried to put in paragraphs to make it a little less trying. I don't have a good relationship with my parents. Any relationship, really. Full on narcissistic mum and enabling dad who are very controlling, petty, spiteful and prone to temper tantrums. I try to have as little to do with them as possible because every single interaction is just horrible and upsetting and nothing positive ever comes from it. I have read 'Toxic Parent's by Susan Forward (amazing book) and they are textbook.

I have tried to tell them how I feel, they don't care or don't listen. And the cycle endlessly repeats itself. I have gone NC before, but them one or the other of them has some serious health related drama and as an only child I am expected to fix all of their problems. They also don't seem to notice when I go NC and just carry on, regardless. We had a horrible Christmas 2017 where they said terrible things (by text) and when I responded back it was just silence. They ignored it, waited a few months, then carried on.

Previous gems include telling me I was a mistake baby but they decided to 'love me in the end', and being told "you should look at yourself and ask what went wrong", that I am "no daughter of theirs" (because I wouldn't use my annual leave to go and run their business whilst they went on holiday), and when Mum faked a heart attack (she'd coughed a bit too hard and strained the muscles around her ribs) that it was my fault for not visiting them enough. Also Mum telling me that she will probably die soon and that again will be my fault.

Late last night, I had a text message out of the blue (they won't call me, email me, and only Dad text messages me. Mum won't answer the phone if I call and won't respond to any of my communications). The message said that this month is their anniversary month (they were married years before I was born), and if I "forget what this means to your mum and dad (he speaks in the 3rd person) we will never speak to you again so try to not be a selfish child. Dad". It's not a joke- that's how they talk. Emotional blackmail, passive aggressive, temper tantrums. The viewing me as a child, not an adult, so it's all about control, the setting ridiculous responses in overblown dramatic fashion...it's so exhausting and distressing.

So now I have a dilemma. On one hand...they've made it easy for me, I would happily never talk to them again. On the other hand, I could just send a card (as I do every year) but I know it won't be enough. It will be, why didn't you send a present, or visit us, or make our day special? (they don't do anything to celebrate it themselves). I also resent being 'forced' to send them a card because of a threat of 'or else'. Once, about 10 years ago, I did forget to send a card, and Mum refused to speak to me for 6 months, and when she did, she called me a slut. So, what should I do? Send a card, not send a card?

I am ashamed

The shame is NOT YOURS.

Kardashian - if you do go full NC (which isn't looking likely at the moment, you're not in the right mindset for it yet) then bear in mind that you might not even find out that one parent (or both) have died.

If they cut you off completely, then you will be "dead" to them anyway - so they might not consider you worthy of being told.

If you cut them off completely, they might not be able to tell you even if they wanted to.

Things to consider. But from your last post you still see yourself in their lives, so NC isn't something you're prepared for yet.

You've been on my mind since I read your first post.

Those 'parents' of yours, instead of nurturing you, have been downright cruel to you.

I'm glad you've decided to refuse to accept their appalling treatment of you any more.

Three things that did help me that might be useful to you:

Have something to say to yourself - out loud if possible - when intrusive thoughts threaten to highjack your decision, like 'Enough! This stops now - I deserve better.'

Don't carry all the burden by yourself. Confide in someone - a supportive friend or a counsellor.

Reframe some of your experiences with your parents in order to 'name' the behaviour and place the shame for it where it really belongs i.e. 'the shame/fault blame was not mine when my parents chose to . . . because . . . ' etc..

Wishing you strength and peace.

OP - they were not 'happy before you came along. i can guarantee that they were the same as they are now - judgemental, bitter, snide and controlling.

It's just that as a tiny baby, you were theirs to control, and they could do that totally, and utterly with impunity. And rather than being UNhappy to have a small child in their lives, this is totally what they love. Being able to hate, to control, to abuse (mentally, financially, physically) is what they love. They love to hate.

This is why NC is so valuable - because it takes away their power. They no longer have the power to hurt you, to get to you (unless you let them) and this is what upsets them most of all. Remove yourself from their power, and stay out. They hate being powerless, more than they hate you.

I know for a fact before I came along my dad controlled my mum instead, he didn't want me and when she wouldn't abort he tried to work her into a miscarriage. The consultant figured out what was happening and admitted her.

Well done for blocking them.. The rest of the family probably have the measure of them.

I don't know if anyone mentioned it on this thread have a look in the relationship section and look for the Stately Home thread/threads you well find lots of help and advise and support on them from people who are unfortunately have the similar issues as you, with their families.

Oh OP, how stressful it is. One thing though, your parents care is not your responsibility, whatever happens to them. As I've said, I've not spoken to mine in years, you can bet your bottom dollar that I won't be wiping their bums when the time comes or paying for their care, it's got nothing to do with me.

My parents are very very rich (millions) and I am very very not. I won't inherit anything and why should I? I would forget about money and try to find a way to be alright with not caring for them in their old age.

I live in Spain, where it is legally impossible to completely disinherit your children (unless they become something like murderers or rapists) - the assumption is that if you bring children into the world, you always have a responsibility towards them, and they are entitled to some of your assets. I think that's quite sensible.

Your parents are monsters, and they don't love you, and never have. This has nothing to do with your personally - they lack something essential, as human beings. I'm so terribly sorry: no human being should be brought into this life by people like that.

You are not your parents. You have survived, and are clearly a good person, caring and intelligent and resourceful, and should be very proud of yourself. You owe them nothing. Nothing.

Make your own life, a life with people who love you and care for you. And, seriously, find help - a really good therapist. You don't have to do this alone.

You would never be financially obligated to assist with their care, legally. You need to emotionally detach from them so you are not trapped in to it, through fear and guilt. They have treated you badly - you have no moral obligation.

Distance my parents lived in Spain and disinherited my brother because he went NC as a result of their treatment of him as a child for which he was receiving counselling. So you can disinherit a child in Spain. (I halved it with him anyway as I personally thought he was entitled and they were gone so would be none the wiser).

OP well done in blocking them. You will be so much happier now, especially once you allow yourself to let go of that emotional pressure. What happens them when they are ill, old, poor or infirm is no longer your concern and certainly not your responsibility. You are allowed to completely let go now. You have done nothing wrong at all.

Regarding raising children, I took all the things I didn't like as a child and made sure I didn't do it to my children. I am sure you would make a wonderful parents because you are self-aware and show obvious empathy.

I found wonderful parents through my husband's family. They and his sisters became my family and we have lovely, normal family relationships. The GPs adore their grandchildren and we love the nieces and nephews and everyone is kind and thoughtful to each other. You could have a life like that, don't write it off.

I haven't read all the replies so apologies if someone has already mentioned FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. These are natural feelings but you are allowed to let go of them now. They cannot hurt you and they cannot control you. Best of luck.

OP you might find that you grieve a bit after going nc. Don’t for goodness sake mistake this for missing your parents or wanting to see them again. It’s very common to grieve for the relationship you didn’t have- for the loving caring parents that you never got. And it’s tough coming to terms with the fact that you will never have a kind decent mum like those of your friends, or that you see hugging their daughters in greeting at stations or airports.
Be gentle with yourself. Accept the need to grieve for what you were denied all your life. And then move on and bloody celebrate your freedom from a pair of utter bastards! All my best wishes and prayers for your future happiness, OP. I went nc with my own ghastly parents nearly 30 years ago and never regretted it.

Oh OP, I am so sorry your parents have treated you this way. It was child abuse. The fact the abuse was psychological rather than physical or sexual in no sense makes it any less.

You would not tell someone who'd been beaten as a child that they should still look after their abusers when they became frail! You should be as kind to yourself!

You do NOT owe then ANYTHING. No care, no time, no thought.

Your parents didn't allow you to grow into the adult you could have been - but it is not too late to improve your life. If you can get some serious CBT based therapy, you can rebuild your self-esteem, your adult self. That you are incapable of becoming your mother is extremely obvious from the posts you have written.....and I hope one day you can be free of that fear.

Boarding school at 4 makes me tear up a bit OP. For what it’s eirth I think you’d probably be a great mum, you would never turn out like your parents.
my wedding anniversary is 23rd August. It’s our 10th so feels like a big one - if you think like you might cave, you can send me a happy anniversary pm instead. I’d be touched

Oh Op what pain these two people have caused you, and absolutely none of it your fault my love. They are bitter unhappy toxic people who should never have had a child.

Free yourself and never look back, although I know that it won't be easy. My very best wishes for the future that you deserve so much.

Oh come on! "Never speak to you again" if you ignore/forget their anniversary! It's a "get out of jail free" card. Ignore it. That way there is no pressure on you to speak to them ever again and you can be free of two people who, I suspect, rob your life of much of its joy.

Ignore the anniversary and be happy.

Distance my parents lived in Spain and disinherited my brother because he went NC as a result of their treatment of him as a child for which he was receiving counselling. So you can disinherit a child in Spain.

ColumboHere, if your parents and your brother are Spanish citizens and they fall under common Spanish law (i.e. not under any special regional law, like the Basque fueros), your brother was entitled to la legítima - the "legitimate" portion. Which, I believe, is one third of the inheritance, divided by the number of siblings - in your case, he would have been entitled to one sixth of all assets.

If they were not Spanish citizens, I have no idea how it works.

ColumboHere I know this because my father's mother tried to disinherit him to benefit his sisters. He fought back and won, much to their shock and horror

A small update. In the end, I decided I would send a card because then it couldn't be 'used against' me in some way. So I picked one I thought they would like, and wrote the bare minimum in it. Sent it off, and immediately blocked them in every single possible way. Didn't call them on the day (partly because I have no idea which date it is actually is, and partly because I don't want to speak to them). Haven't heard anything, obviously, as a result of being blocked. However, did get a text message from my Aunt wanting to know if her brother (my dad) had told me she was moving house. Nope, of course he hasn't (and this would have pre-dated me blocking them as you don't just decide to move house and actually move in the same day). Then suddenly, through the post yesterday, came a postcard of an statue they'd seen at some museum they went to visit on their anniversary. It just says along the lines of 'thanks for the card, hope you are well'. I'm still going to ignore them and the post card.

Well Done x

Good. Keep strong, OP.

I re-read your original post and was still taken aback by how awful they are.

You've handled this very well. Agreed ignore the card. Do hope you have some support because growing up with such destructive parents is intensely damaging.

Normal parents would have texted It's our anniversary this month. Fancy celebrating with us? If not, don't worry, Love you lots xxx
Once you accept you are NEVER going to have regular, consistent interaction like this, it makes it easier to go completely NC.

Oh OP, I am sat with my own 4 year old dd and choked up for the 4 year old you being sent away to boarding school.

Your parents sound utterly dreadful, and you sound lovely.

They don’t deserve an ounce of you. NC is the only way. Please have some more therapy as well. Don’t let them define you like this... Not having children is a legitimate choice, it may also not be the one you would have chosen otherwise.

In any case, move on from them and live the happy, peaceful, love-filled life you deserve. Big hug to you.

tbh I wonder if going to boarding school at 4 might have been better, given your parents' cruelty

‘tbh I wonder if going to boarding school at 4 might have been better, given your parents' cruelty‘

^

I wondered this also.