I know my parents are toxic. But I wasn't prepared for this and I don't know what to do.

[kardashianklone]

I'm sorry, this is long. I've tried to put in paragraphs to make it a little less trying. I don't have a good relationship with my parents. Any relationship, really. Full on narcissistic mum and enabling dad who are very controlling, petty, spiteful and prone to temper tantrums. I try to have as little to do with them as possible because every single interaction is just horrible and upsetting and nothing positive ever comes from it. I have read 'Toxic Parent's by Susan Forward (amazing book) and they are textbook.

I have tried to tell them how I feel, they don't care or don't listen. And the cycle endlessly repeats itself. I have gone NC before, but them one or the other of them has some serious health related drama and as an only child I am expected to fix all of their problems. They also don't seem to notice when I go NC and just carry on, regardless. We had a horrible Christmas 2017 where they said terrible things (by text) and when I responded back it was just silence. They ignored it, waited a few months, then carried on.

Previous gems include telling me I was a mistake baby but they decided to 'love me in the end', and being told "you should look at yourself and ask what went wrong", that I am "no daughter of theirs" (because I wouldn't use my annual leave to go and run their business whilst they went on holiday), and when Mum faked a heart attack (she'd coughed a bit too hard and strained the muscles around her ribs) that it was my fault for not visiting them enough. Also Mum telling me that she will probably die soon and that again will be my fault.

Late last night, I had a text message out of the blue (they won't call me, email me, and only Dad text messages me. Mum won't answer the phone if I call and won't respond to any of my communications). The message said that this month is their anniversary month (they were married years before I was born), and if I "forget what this means to your mum and dad (he speaks in the 3rd person) we will never speak to you again so try to not be a selfish child. Dad". It's not a joke- that's how they talk. Emotional blackmail, passive aggressive, temper tantrums. The viewing me as a child, not an adult, so it's all about control, the setting ridiculous responses in overblown dramatic fashion...it's so exhausting and distressing.

So now I have a dilemma. On one hand...they've made it easy for me, I would happily never talk to them again. On the other hand, I could just send a card (as I do every year) but I know it won't be enough. It will be, why didn't you send a present, or visit us, or make our day special? (they don't do anything to celebrate it themselves). I also resent being 'forced' to send them a card because of a threat of 'or else'. Once, about 10 years ago, I did forget to send a card, and Mum refused to speak to me for 6 months, and when she did, she called me a slut. So, what should I do? Send a card, not send a card?

Well, you could send a card.

A farewell card, maybe, explaining that you’ve had enough and won’t be in touch again.

Or a card offering your condolences on the passing of their relationship with their daughter.

Perhaps a “thank you for offering to never speak to me again”? Say you’ll remember their anniversary every year as the day you were finally set free from a lifetime of toxic parenting.

Or keep it simple and humorous - “Congratulations on being prize cunts and shitty parents, and best wishes for spending my inheritance, as I don’t want a cent of it.”

There’s a card for every occasion.

I know how truly painful this is for you. Unfortunately your parents are seeing you through a power filter. That's not how you want to see them but they are insisting on their power orientation. Maybe it is all they know? In any case, they are unlikely to change at this point in their lives.

Therefore, consider responding to them in power terms. As in, "How dare you dictate the terms of our relationship to me? I am a very good daughter and a very good person. You are fortunate to have me in your lives. I am an honest, responsible, considerate person and you won't find better. I deserve your respect, not threats. "

I suggest this because it reframes the discussion and gets you off the defensive. They may sputter and fume but this response will plant doubts in their mind about their stance towards you and that is exactly what they need.

They obviously do need to question themselves and the way they treat you. You challenging them in this fashion may still lead to NC but at least you will have defined yourself, not them. That's a good and appropriate power move for you to make under the circumstances.

Don't send a card.

Reply to your dad's text. "Thank you for your text. I think that's an excellent idea. I don't think any of us are getting any benefit from this disfunctional family dynamic. Never contacting each other ever again is probably the best thing any of us can do for each other's long term welfare."

If you have an iPhone you can block someone very easily on it. Just click block caller on their contact and poof they can’t ring or text you anymore. Also you can block people on email.

Because they’re your parents you’re stuck feeling obligated to them at the moment, but you’re not. Anyone who makes you feel stressed and shitty is not welcome in your life. Go NC and fly free.

mrspawsitive that sounds as though it might be a really good tack to take with them. They are spectacular bullies and this tack might backfoot them completely. And if they cut her off instead ... well, that's likely to happen whatever, unless she stays their whipping girl

I would send an anniversary card and a condolence card, to the death of your relationship, wish them a good life and death as you won’t be seeing them again, change number and move if have to and never see them again, you will be so much happier

I haven't replied to their text message, and I have blocked their mobile and home number and email. We don't have any shared social media. They've never visited me since I left home at 18 so I don't think they are likely to suddenly turn up at my door (I'm expected to visit them all the time).

I do understand I probably need to grieve, but I also feel somewhat empty and resigned about it all. I don't think there is much emotion left in me to give to this anymore. I think (don't actually know the precise date!) of the anniversary is the 21st August, so I should imagine it will all kick off after then once they realise I haven't sent a card. I also find it a bit infuriating that I am expected to send Mothers Day, Fathers Day, her birthday, his birthday, and Christmas cards and presents but they don't reciprocate. They won't even call me on my birthday. In fact, the last few gifts I have sent have caused tantrums. They brought me up to write thank you letter immediately, but I can go weeks before I get a grudging and half-hearted thanks for anything I send them.

The inheritance is a bit of an issue- I've never expected to inherit because they frequently told me 'if you don't do xyz, we will give your money to the cats home/donkey shelter/random animal shelter'. Or they tell me that they are going to spend it all on a conservatory or hot tub or ridiculous jewellery or whatever takes their fancy at the time. So I've always been focused on making my own money, and you know, as a single person, I don't have husband/family money behind me. (Not that I think everyone does, I just don't have that shared family pot of money that some couples do from two salaries). In the back of my mind I'd always hoped that maybe, just maybe it was all a bluff and I might inherit something, but I think I have to let that go now. And of course, it's their money, they can do what they want with it. If they want it to go to animals, then whom I am to fight against it?

It just feels that sometimes it's a shame- I watch my friends who have good relationships with their parents go around for dinners, go out, share time together, parents give/loan them money for a house deposit, they become loving grandparents, some even go on holiday together. And something is so fundamentally wrong in my family, that we can't even talk. It makes me very sad. For a long time I thought it must be me that was the poison, that had corrupted everything, as I was always told they were so happy before I arrived. So I assumed that everything that was wrong was my fault, and I was the reason why Mum and I have never had a shopping trip together, let alone had a spa together, and why every meal was eaten in tense silence.

Nothing you have done or are has made your relationship with them like this OP they are narcissistic, toxic and rotten and incapable of loving properly . You could be the highest achiever or most beautiful person in Britain and it wouldn’t be enough . Do yourself a favour and go NC with them.

Well done for not responding and blocking them.
The rest of your post - ah, that made me sad for you. :(

But please, I hope you can realise through the responses on this thread, the one I linked to earlier, and the Stately Homes thread, that NONE of this is your fault. It is all them.

((((hugs))))

You have done the right thing. They may be the people who brought you into the world but they add nothing to your life. Go forward and build your own life.

as I was always told they were so happy before I arrived

I guarentee you that they weren't. No happy people treat their children like this. None. They are full of love, and most of all for their children. No happy people are so controlling and so vengeful and play such games.

Them saying this was certainly a way for them to again drag you down and destroy your self esteem. You were brought up with this shit, so it's going to have gone deep with you. But it wasn't true.

About children - I think it's hard to say, honestly. Some people with parents like this turn out to be full of love. Some people replicate the behaviour, though you almost certainly aren't one. But there is a chance that you would struggle, because the templates laid down in childhood go very deep. There are courses though that can really help a lot in simply teaching a parent how to handle boundaries, discipline, emerging sexuality, sharing, encouraging study ... the Triple P parenting course is one. If you are one of the people who love well, but need guidance in -how- to bring children up, that help is there.

About the inheritance - it's sad, because inheriting is a sign that your parents do claim you, that you meant something to them and that in the end they remembered you. But if people are playing the "do what I say or I'll disinherit you" game then the only thing a self respecting adult who's independent can do, is walk away.

Best of luck, kardashian. You deserved so, so, so much better than this. I hope you can believe in yourself.

I haven't read the full thread but my parents are very like yours. I haven't spoken to them in five years and it's not an exaggeration to say that every good thing that has happened to me has happened since I went NC. I finally feel free of the guilt and shame and obligation and am able to get on with my life and see that I am not a bad person and I am worthy of love.

You will probably feel a terrible panicky 'hangover' from blocking them, I felt very unsettled for months after. But time passes and you realise just how the negativity affected your state of mind and you will feel better. In my case, better than I ever have. It's hard and it keeps being hard (I have had two children since going NC which was difficult emotionally) but it's worth it for the freedom.

Oh and I can almost guarantee that you wouldn't be the sort of parent that yours are. I never felt loved and was apprehensive about having children but loving them came so easily and I am a good mum I think.

Sorry you are going through this.

You will have times when you feel terrified about NC and think of recontacting them, please don’t do it. The emptiness you feel just shows you are human. No one deserves to have parents like yours.

Life will get better now, inheritance or not - it’s just another tool for having power over you - you will finally have a chance at being happy.

I’ve just watched my mother go through this for years with her father (her mother died before I was born). She went to visit him every month or so just to assuage her own guilt about maybe being a bad daughter. Every visit would just be him crying and telling her how much stress she’d put him through over the years and how all his health problems are because of her (total bollocks of course, she was a model child and hasn’t done a bloody thing that would so much as inconvenience him). I had no relationship with him beyond my teens because after one particularly bad falling-out between them he decided to cut me out completely, stating that I was a lost cause because he knew I would always ‘side with’ my mother. Then after announcing that we were all pretty much dead to him, he still expected birthday cards and blew up at us when we didnt send one!

My mum spent thousands of pounds of her own money on looking after him. He died recently and guess what? She isn’t even mentioned in his will. Not once. Not so much as a paperclip left to her. I watched my mum suffer for years under his influence and I so wish she had just gone NC.

Think how happy you'll all be without each other.

I hope you have got friends around you Kardashianlone. Sometimes we have to make our own family.

It is sad that you don't have parents who you can do normal things with but believe me, there are lots of people who don't. You are not alone. Try to know that there are others who are sad like you but who have managed to accept it. It really is like bereavement, as I am sure your counselling has shown you.

the information that you give about your parents is utterly horrific and I really hope that you can remain NC no matter what health scare or car crash or ANYTHING that happens will never get you to go near these fucked up people ever again.

xxxx

OP...the first thing you need to do is stop comparing yourself to others. You have to consolidate your positive aspects and go from there.

I once had parents who were not quite as bad as yours, but a bit more low-level PA/ultimatums. I sent my dad a humorous birthday card saying "what do you give the man who has everything"? "Nothing"! I thought he'd see the funny side. But nope. It backfired and I was persona non grata for a while. It really was intolerable. I nearly lost the plot. I had a young family, a husband who was building a career. I just wanted to die.

What did I do? I f***g became a Jehovah's Witness for 32yrs. They're so strict. No celebrations, so that cut off that avenue. All their tantrums/pandemoniums and tribulations were pigeon-holed. My mum cut me out of my inheritance if I didn't stop my stupidity. Another job taken care of. Serious health problems encountered by me due to 'no blood' surgery drew out more toxic shenanigans. Bloody marvellous. My father died in the intervening years. She'd changed her will again at my brother's insistence. He was the golden child. She ramped up the behaviour. Terrible years. She died 6yrs ago. I've left the religion. I'm free at last. I'm 61 & feel I wish I had just closed the door on all of their theatrics. Gave most of my inheritance to my siblings. Half of what I got to set up my 2Dd's. What I have left is sitting in a lonely bank account as a reminder of being pulled every which way. It's left a bitter taste in my mouth. I can't even be added blowing it on several luxury holidays. I'd probably be ill thinking about having fun on her misery. I ducking hated her. I'm glad she no longer breathes the same air as me. But I don't have the mental torture. Live your life well OP, build your own wealth whatever that can amount to. It'll taste all the sweeter when you look back, and you won't be saying "if only"!!!!

I watch my friends who have good relationships with their parents go around for dinners, go out, share time together, parents give/loan them money for a house deposit, they become loving grandparents, some even go on holiday together.

I was like this with my mum. It made me so sad to see my friends having normal loving relationships with their mothers. At a certain point, I came to understand that she was never going to be the mother I wanted, she was not capable of it. As you say, it was a kind a bereavement. I went through all the stages of grief.

Good luck with the NC OP. Though not easy, it really is beneficial.

Actually I didn't join a religion to put distance between me and my parents, but I did move overseas knowing they couldn't visit.

Such moves might sound extreme to someone with normal parents.

Don't send a card and block their number, who needs enemies with family like that.

They sound like deeply unhappy people. It's their anniversary - not yours!

I am always reluctant to advocate no contact because its emotionally very messy, loaded with guilt etc. And very hard if you don't have any other family support. If you choose this route you may experience quite deep trauma before feeling liberation. The alternative is to spend many years dealing with this sort of damaging toxic crap.

One way to think about it is that you have nothing to lose by trying something completely different and potentially incendiary, which might make it clear for you what your course of action could be.

I'm assuming there is a bit of money there as you went to boarding school and there is a business, so how about initiating a chat about inheritance planning? Tell them that you respect how savvy they are and that they won't want all their money going on tax and care home fees. It would set you up now to have some extra cash. If they react by saying you are not getting a penny then you know where you stand. If they do make provision for you then you may find yourself feeling under a new set of obligations, but you can still cut them off if it escalates. But you must insist on using a professional financial advisor and don't get into any emotional discussions with them - just tell them that its their decision and they must decide how best to manage their assets.

I am fully anticipating that you will feel uncomfortable about this - that's normal and especially in a relationship where you have been made to feel worthless.

I did try to have a discussion about inheritance and money once a few years ago, just after both of them had serious health scares and I have no idea what they want to do about care, end of life care pathways, or even what they would want their funerals to be like. I wasn't so concerned with money from my side but more practically in regards to what happens if one of them needs long term health care? I have no idea what their finances are like. I don't have any siblings so the financial burden could easily fall to me. Anyway, the talk did not go well, Dad screamed at me that I was a 'mercenary little bitch' and a 'money grabber' and then stormed off to the pub, so I rather gave up after that. Sometimes (and this is so dreadful that I am ashamed) I think it would be easier if they both went at the same time, because whichever one is left will be an unholy nightmare to deal with and I just don't think I could cope. Emotionally, or financially.

This is really one of the saddest threads I've read on toxic parents.

OP, your time and your thoughts are worth so much more than they can ever give you. You don't have to do anything (thinking of your thread title) and that might be quite hard to achieve, as we're accustomed to thinking things need to be done to deal with people who behave badly, as they have done for decades now.

How about you keep them permanently blocked/hidden/out of your life, and initiate a plan for what to do if they get around that somehow?

I can't see any possible advantage in keeping them anywhere in your life. It's so hard to get people out of your head, they will be there for a while, but it won't be forever and you can be sure by what they have said and what they have done that they won't be feeling any hurt as it sounds like they're pathologically incapable of that (like someone on a life-support machine who has no brain function and it doesn't matter if you talk or not, they are incapable of reacting).

They will become ill (and elderly and frail) but always remember that they're only able to hurt you as they clearly do at every opportunity. You owe them nothing at this point.

I wish you the very best for your life ahead - there are so many good things to give your time to! xx

I've spent so long looking after myself and making my own decisions (I went to boarding school at 4) that some times it is a relief to have other people advise me.

Do you have a support elsewhere OP? A good friend?