I know my parents are toxic. But I wasn't prepared for this and I don't know what to do.

[kardashianklone]

I'm sorry, this is long. I've tried to put in paragraphs to make it a little less trying. I don't have a good relationship with my parents. Any relationship, really. Full on narcissistic mum and enabling dad who are very controlling, petty, spiteful and prone to temper tantrums. I try to have as little to do with them as possible because every single interaction is just horrible and upsetting and nothing positive ever comes from it. I have read 'Toxic Parent's by Susan Forward (amazing book) and they are textbook.

I have tried to tell them how I feel, they don't care or don't listen. And the cycle endlessly repeats itself. I have gone NC before, but them one or the other of them has some serious health related drama and as an only child I am expected to fix all of their problems. They also don't seem to notice when I go NC and just carry on, regardless. We had a horrible Christmas 2017 where they said terrible things (by text) and when I responded back it was just silence. They ignored it, waited a few months, then carried on.

Previous gems include telling me I was a mistake baby but they decided to 'love me in the end', and being told "you should look at yourself and ask what went wrong", that I am "no daughter of theirs" (because I wouldn't use my annual leave to go and run their business whilst they went on holiday), and when Mum faked a heart attack (she'd coughed a bit too hard and strained the muscles around her ribs) that it was my fault for not visiting them enough. Also Mum telling me that she will probably die soon and that again will be my fault.

Late last night, I had a text message out of the blue (they won't call me, email me, and only Dad text messages me. Mum won't answer the phone if I call and won't respond to any of my communications). The message said that this month is their anniversary month (they were married years before I was born), and if I "forget what this means to your mum and dad (he speaks in the 3rd person) we will never speak to you again so try to not be a selfish child. Dad". It's not a joke- that's how they talk. Emotional blackmail, passive aggressive, temper tantrums. The viewing me as a child, not an adult, so it's all about control, the setting ridiculous responses in overblown dramatic fashion...it's so exhausting and distressing.

So now I have a dilemma. On one hand...they've made it easy for me, I would happily never talk to them again. On the other hand, I could just send a card (as I do every year) but I know it won't be enough. It will be, why didn't you send a present, or visit us, or make our day special? (they don't do anything to celebrate it themselves). I also resent being 'forced' to send them a card because of a threat of 'or else'. Once, about 10 years ago, I did forget to send a card, and Mum refused to speak to me for 6 months, and when she did, she called me a slut. So, what should I do? Send a card, not send a card?

In your situation I'd take advice from the police about a restraining order or whatever alternatives there are - equip yourself with information so that, is and when, you need/want to do something you're already aware of your options.

Shocking - but predictable. This must be v unsettling. But shows that you are right to go NC and that they are toxic.

I would do some research about how they might try to get to you - false email addresses - using another phone number (if you have blocked theirs) - thru work, friends, hobbies, other family members etc and have a plan to block each and an plan if they break through.

I would also take legal advice and get a solicitors letter written if advised as this is harassment - they are not above the law.

I've read your thread through OP and relate to so much of what you're going through.

As for them needing you in an emergency, they've 999 to ring.

You owe them feck all. Protect yourself and your DP and stay NC.

They've treated you like they have because they are awful human beings who have huge personality problems. None of it is your fault at all. Please understand that. I spent so long thinking I was treated in a less than kind manner because I was an awful human being (they told me often enough) , then a psychologist asked me if I'd treat a stranger as they had me and it dawned on me that, no I bloody wouldn't because only horrible nasty, wicked people would treat anyone like they treated me. To treat a stranger like that would be appalling but their own child????

I would get your husband to send them a message saying he's spoke to you and you are both in agreement they are not to contact either of you by any means ever again. Don't reward this latest breach of boundary with direct contact from you.

OP I have no advice but I wanted to tell you that you don't deserve this. You sound like a perfectly lovely human being, and hopefully there will be a point where this does not dominate your thoughts. Keep strong

I remember this from early weeks of NC, you need to push through this as they will eventually give up and leave you in peace. If you look at it logically, you are actually at the start of NC as a few people have said upthread, and they either don't yet get what you are doing or don't want to understand yet. They will. This is very early days for you, so you can expect it to be fraught and very very stressful. Almost two years on I still get stressed if I have to be near where my mum is likely to be and worry about bumping into each other. But I no longer worry about her coming round or the sudden email or text because I know they won't come as she is now respecting me and leaving me in peace. It took around one year for that to click.

It WILL be okay. Don't give in to their rude, horrible badgering. Stay strong. I know how stressed and agitated you must be but it will be okay and you won't always feel like this. Promise.

Could your partner read the letter, purely to check that it doesn’t contain any vital information and doesn’t torment you? If you decide to go down this route you may need to think about the sort of information which might be included to reel you in, such as alarming health scares.

I wondered, have you ever met, or attempted to meet your father and/or mother alone so that they can’t team up? I’m not necessarily advocating that - only you can judge how that idea feels to you.

Being estranged is not easy but sometimes necessary. . Be very kind to yourself.

I think you are strong enough to read the letter, but please, NEVER NEVER NEVER respond in any way. Sit down and analyse it and work it out for what it is. Bullshit. Their whole life is about playing games with you and it's pathetic.
I don't know much about harassment but I would start a diary, log every call etc. you receive and then move on without overthinking it. If they ring DP, ask him to say "Please do not make any further contact with us or I will be calling the police for harassment".
I would literally change everything, my email, phone number, if possible. They will hopefully give up before it impacts you. And please come back to this thread for support before even considering talking to them directly. They do not deserve you at all. They deserve loneliness and time to reflect on the horrible people they have become.

Just read yr thread. Just because someone is yr parent doesnt mean you owe them anything. Dcs should only visit/ speak to their parents if they want to. That is something along with respect that is earned. There isnt an invisible thread linking you to them. If theres an imaginary one in yr head then cut that thread. You're an adult don't continue to see that world from a childs perspective. Its easy to do that so step back and take another look. Even if they turn up at yr workplace you still dont have to speak to them. Dont think for a minute that everyone else has a fantastic family life without issues. There are plenty that do even if they dont tell you. Im sure you know all this already. Its just nice to have someone else reiterate it sometimes. Stay confident. Believe in yourself.

Well, they tried to turn your DP into a Flying Monkey but it didn't work, did it?

As far as contacting you at work, it wouldn't surprise me, but I'd think if they were going to do that they'd have done it already. Could be that's probably too 'direct' a contact for them, much better to enlist that Flying Monkey and avoid a confrontation you telling them to fuck off!

If I thought my parents would show up at my work, I probably would speak to my boss or HR to give them a head's up and see if anything could be done to stop them entering your actual workspace. Where I worked, we were behind a locked door with a security guard (Govt facility) so it was easy enough to block someone. But receptionists in lobbies usually ask for a name if someone comes in and asks to see an employee and can be instructed to say you aren't in. But if I thought it was just going to be a phone call, I probably wouldn't say anything. It's easy enough to put the phone down on someone.

I wouldn't contact them nor would I have DP contact them to say 'leave us alone'. It's advised that NC is strict NC. They must butt their heads against an absolute stone wall of silence and ignoring.

Respond with "I'll take the never speak to me again card please! Sounds like bliss"

Ok I should have probably read whole thread first!..

Ignore my last

Can you head them off at the pass & speak to the people who answer the phones? If parents call your work place & say " kardashian doesn't work here any more.sorry. Goodbye."
Should they turn up at your house. Don't let them in, its your safe place. Refuse entry. If your partner is home get him to come & be the buffer. If you are alone 'grey rock' is your mind set, don't panic, prepare a one line rebuff.
Aren't you going yo let us in? ...no.
We need to talk....It doesn't work for me
We have come all this way.....unfortunate
How dare you lack manners/respect?...you are not welcome here.
Your mother is ill...Im unable to help
You are struck off... good
Anger or threats. ... I'm calling the police.

OP I have no advice but you sound absolutely awesome. Keep on just as you are

Solicitor's letter? Cease and desist sort of thing, or letter before action? Just a thought not sure what others think, I wonder if it would just ramp it up?

Oh and you are definitely awesome OP

Stay strong and stay away from your vile parents!

You could approach police for “advice” rather than report right now. Then something may be logged and you are informed on what to do swiftly if something happens.

They are not above the law. If you have legal advice and a solicitor informed them to leave you alone - then if they break this it is not you that they would have to deal with. Would also look at security on your home - there are lots of cheap CCTV opinions now a days - no surprises.

How are you OP?

Thank you for asking! So far I have:

1. Not read the letter. It still exists, I haven't destroyed it. I am thinking of having a friend (who understands the situation) read it, and tell me if there's anything absolutely crucial I need to know. I see her on Friday, so I am pondering it.
2. Advised my HR/reception of the situation in case they suddenly turn up or phone/email asking for my contact details.

The first couple of days after I felt very sad and flat. Now I have put them out of my mind and I prefer to just ignore the entire situation, and them. I have spent time reading various toxic parents/narcissistic mum websites, which I find comforting.

I know my parents, it will go quiet for a little while and then it will suddenly ramp up again with some new, unexpected crazy. Every now and then I feel despondent and wonder if I'm making too much fuss and I should just get in contact. But then I think the strong feeling of fear and anxiety and distress I get from the idea of making contact, is telling me I am definitely doing the right thing.

I am NC but my brother is in contact but keeps her at arms length.

He told me once that he sometimes thinks the same. Is he making too much of it? So he lets her in and it’s ok for a little. Then she proves that he was right all along and he goes back to arms length.

Very glad I am away from that cycle.

wonder if I'm making too much fuss

Previous gems include telling me I was a mistake baby but they decided to 'love me in the end', and being told "you should look at yourself and ask what went wrong", that I am "no daughter of theirs" (because I wouldn't use my annual leave to go and run their business whilst they went on holiday), and when Mum faked a heart attack (she'd coughed a bit too hard and strained the muscles around her ribs) that it was my fault for not visiting them enough. Also Mum telling me that she will probably die soon and that again will be my fault.

I went to boarding school at 4

Once, about 10 years ago, I did forget to send a card, and Mum refused to speak to me for 6 months, and when she did, she called me a slut.

He rang repeatedly, obsessively, every few minutes, from the house landline, his mobile and then mum's mobile, at 2 min intervals, for the best part of two days [...] If I hadn't have had their number blocked, and I had looked at my phone or heard the endless ringing and seen umpteen missed calls, I think I would have spontaneously combusted with fear and anxiety.

This is only what you have written here, and I am sure there is more, much more, that has actually happened. You are not in the wrong to refuse to deal with these people. They don't love you in any recognisable, healthy, mutually care-giving, affectionate way. They are clearly damaged people. Don't let them damage you any more.

not having contact the past few months has been so light and carefree

Hold on to this.

OP - you know what's in the letter. It's nothing more than you have had throughout your entire life. Do not respond. DO NOT OPEN A DIALOGUE!

Work definitely need to know, and telling HR/receptionist/switchboard is a good idea - a must. So does your DP.

And a solicitors letter - cease and desist - is also a good idea, in future. No more guilt.

So sorry they are like they are, they add nothing to you, they are not "family" in that they are not giving you unconditional love, support, encouragement. They give you doubt, negativity and anxiety.

If you are quite easy to find on google, and your partner is not - why did they contact partner's work??? To cause you more grief. To hope that you are too socially conditioned and won't "air dirty laundry" to him, hoping he would give away details that can be used against you. To use his nice nature (and him not having a lifetime of seeing their crazy, him might giving them the benefit of the doubt) to lure you back into their web.

Definitely let reception know, that due to strained family circumstances, you do not want personal details given out, and won't take calls not relating to work (our receptionist always asked what job it was in relation to... if they were already in touch they would have direct details).