I know my parents are toxic. But I wasn't prepared for this and I don't know what to do.

[kardashianklone]

I'm sorry, this is long. I've tried to put in paragraphs to make it a little less trying. I don't have a good relationship with my parents. Any relationship, really. Full on narcissistic mum and enabling dad who are very controlling, petty, spiteful and prone to temper tantrums. I try to have as little to do with them as possible because every single interaction is just horrible and upsetting and nothing positive ever comes from it. I have read 'Toxic Parent's by Susan Forward (amazing book) and they are textbook.

I have tried to tell them how I feel, they don't care or don't listen. And the cycle endlessly repeats itself. I have gone NC before, but them one or the other of them has some serious health related drama and as an only child I am expected to fix all of their problems. They also don't seem to notice when I go NC and just carry on, regardless. We had a horrible Christmas 2017 where they said terrible things (by text) and when I responded back it was just silence. They ignored it, waited a few months, then carried on.

Previous gems include telling me I was a mistake baby but they decided to 'love me in the end', and being told "you should look at yourself and ask what went wrong", that I am "no daughter of theirs" (because I wouldn't use my annual leave to go and run their business whilst they went on holiday), and when Mum faked a heart attack (she'd coughed a bit too hard and strained the muscles around her ribs) that it was my fault for not visiting them enough. Also Mum telling me that she will probably die soon and that again will be my fault.

Late last night, I had a text message out of the blue (they won't call me, email me, and only Dad text messages me. Mum won't answer the phone if I call and won't respond to any of my communications). The message said that this month is their anniversary month (they were married years before I was born), and if I "forget what this means to your mum and dad (he speaks in the 3rd person) we will never speak to you again so try to not be a selfish child. Dad". It's not a joke- that's how they talk. Emotional blackmail, passive aggressive, temper tantrums. The viewing me as a child, not an adult, so it's all about control, the setting ridiculous responses in overblown dramatic fashion...it's so exhausting and distressing.

So now I have a dilemma. On one hand...they've made it easy for me, I would happily never talk to them again. On the other hand, I could just send a card (as I do every year) but I know it won't be enough. It will be, why didn't you send a present, or visit us, or make our day special? (they don't do anything to celebrate it themselves). I also resent being 'forced' to send them a card because of a threat of 'or else'. Once, about 10 years ago, I did forget to send a card, and Mum refused to speak to me for 6 months, and when she did, she called me a slut. So, what should I do? Send a card, not send a card?

I second either burning or shredding and flushing the 'remains' down the loo. It's oddly satisfying to watch them go where the rest of the shit goes!

You deserve a happy life. They'll never do or say anything that contributes to one.

We might be sisters, OP. My parents send me demanding emails and phone me in a state of extreme high dudgeon, when I've failed to respond to things I didn't know were happening. I've been NC with them for some years now and it's been so much better.

Do you have a friend or partner you can give their letter to? They can read it and tell you if there's anything urgent you need to know. They will have to be able to interpret your parents' drama-llama tendencies so that they can recognise if it's really something important, or if it's just their usual unreasonableness. If you dont' have a friend who can do this then bin the letter unread. It's not worth worrying about. And get on with your life. Don't let them drag you any further down.

I love the way you say your dad called you "several times" over Christmas, and then go on to say it was every few minutes, from different phones, over 2 days! That is some minimising of the behaviour in your first description.

I also think the fact that your lack of engagement wasn't even noticed by them, over months, tells you all you need to know.

BURN THE LETTER.

Do not get sucked into any more contact at all with them.

If your aunt gets in touch with news of them (ill health etc.) then you must tell her that you are no longer in contact with them, and therefore are not responsible for anything that happens to either of them.

You sound lovely. Make 2019 the year you are free as a bird.

Hi OP,

Lots of posters here with good advice & experience of their own. My own Mother is angel who I wouldn't change for the world and it shocks & saddens me to see so many on here like you who have experienced the opposite.

I wish I could reach through the internet and give you a big hug and go on those spa & shopping trips with you. You ARE a good daughter and a good person. You didn't deserve any of this.

Hope you do lots of self-care as PP suggested and have some good friends around you.

I'm similar OP - only child, toxic parents.

I went NC 5 years ago and my life and health has flourished since. I now barely give them a thought and I have no guilt. Sometimes you need to step away from the madness for a while to see what a head fuck it is.
They cut me out of their will but I don't care. No money is worth that misery.

I'm in much the same position binpedal - they're going to cut me out. I'd be happiest if they were good to one another (and pleasant to me), had a fabulous time with their money and spent it all on themselves before popping off. It's the unpleasantness of will waving when they're not getting their way which perplexes me! Strange parents indeed.

Mine has cut me out (although at least has left my share to my children) but has made me an executor. Which I think, knowing her is vindictiveness.

but has made me an executor. Which I think, knowing her is vindictiveness
Indeed - being executor is horrendous.
Tell them right now that you don't want that.
They need to appoint a solicitor to do this as you won't do it.
Make that clear.
Honestly.... it's awful and while I know my DSis didn't mean to inflict this on my dad and myself it's been emotional and it means we can't move on until it's all sorted.

I don't care. The other executor is my brother and we're really close. He is v low contact, but not completely nc. I'll do it rather than leave it all to him.

What’s with the executor thing ? I recently received a letter from a lawyer TELLING me that I was executor of Narc DSis will who I am NC with ..... I was going to respond to solicitor to say not doing that - but that would just open up dialogue and NC is key. But I have taken advice and I won’t be doing it when the time comes (I am also older than her - so it’s all goading)

Either don't read and burn. Or read and respond with a letter yourself . But that'll be the last one you ever send them

@another20 I think it's another way to control and dominate, "here, administer this estate I have cut you out from"

All these executor appointments- you just hand it over to a solicitor and the estate pays for it...

@Gatehouse77 not having contact the past few months has been so light and carefree. The occasional moments of sadness when people well meaningly ask 'are you going to family at Christmas?' or other such perfectly normal and chocolate-box-family questions, but apart from that, I have been very happy not having to worry about what the next text or phone call might say. Also, the RELIEF about not worrying about a Christmas present for each of them (which is rarely acknowledged or thanked) was monumental.

Please, please put your feelings above that of these people that do quite the opposite for/to you.
Despite everything they may have convinced you, you are worth so much more than you may believe. Look around at the people you chose to have in your life and what they see in you. Think of all the achievements you have made inspite of their vitriol. What positives would there be were you to allow them back into your life? Are those worth it?

One thing I realised was that I didn't care what my father's opinion of me was because I didn't respect his opinion. It wasn't based on anything I held value for. I've never asked, sought or listened to it from age 17 onwards when he made it quite clear what he thought of me.

Mine's not dead and not likely to die for ages by the way

Goodness me! I have yet ANOTHER update! I've just this moment had a call from my partner. My Dad somehow found out where DP works (I never told him this info, so he must have been googling hard), phoned DP's work, DP's work took my Dad's number and passed it on to DP, DP unknowingly call Dad back, thinking it was client related. Dad didn't leave his surname so DP wouldn't have known who he was. Also, DP has never met parents. Then they had a really awkward conversation where Dad asked if the mobile number he had for me was right, and DP said he thought so and he would 'try' to get in touch with me.

DP called me immediately afterwards. DP knows everything that is going on. I have given DP all of the parents numbers to block for the future. Is this what 'flying monkeys' is? How annoying!

The letter only arrived yesterday and today they are calling my partners' place of work! Yet another 'ANSWER me IMMEDIATELY!' demand. Wouldn't a normal person send a letter and then wait a few days before following up? They don't have any other contacts of my friends (they've never met my friends) and I don't believe they know where I work. Slightly unfortunately, I do have an active public profile because of my work (not through social media), so if they are googling me, they could find out where I work. Now what do I do? Do I have to inform my work? This is ridiculous. They will say they are just 'concerned' about me, but it's so much more than that.

I was feeling so good about ignoring and then possibly destroying the letter, and now I'm worried that my work phone will ring and it will be them. Or they will pop out from around a corner. Or suddenly turn up at my house.

I think you need a worst case scenario plan. If they did start harrassing you at work, or turn up unannounced, what would you do?

Would you report it? Would this be the only way to get them to stop? Would you be safe if they came to your home?

I might be wrong but I think if you are going to report people for harrassment you need to have let them know, you don't want to hear from them. As it stands, they can just play the concerned frantic parents. A letter or message, saying you are fine and for them not to contact you again means if it escalates, you can take the necessary steps.

Yes, you might need to write to them and tell them you want no more contact and maybe send it recorded delivery or something. Tell them any more contact will be reported to the police.

Even now you should not speak to your so called parents directly, it is a response they want from you and you need to maintain radio silence.
You both have a right to a life free of such abuse from your parents.

I think you need to make a plan yes. How pleasant is your boss / HR department? if they are helpful sorts it may well be worth giving them the heads up.

Getting to you did not work so they went for contacting your partner instead. His employers were the weak link in the chain by passing on your dad’s number to him.

I would be making contact with the police here regarding their harassment. It may be prudent for you to now also seek legal advice on such a matter.

I hope that the letter he sent you is now destroyed, do not give that any more power than it already has.

See how quickly their drama fills your life again. You haven't missed this feeling, have you?

It's reminders like this that tell you NC is the right idea. Being in touch with parents shouldn't feel like an attack.

I think you do have to tell them to stop contacting you now, OP. Just once, and in writing, so an email or text would be fine. Because then you can take things further if they continue to harass you.

I would also speak to your HR department at work and fill them in. You don't have to tell them everything: just that you have very difficult parents who you have asked to leave you alone, they are ignoring that, and are already bothering your partner at work, and that if they do phone or turn up at work, you don't want to speak to them or see them, and would be grateful if HR will help you manage that. They will have dealt with this before, and won't think less of you for having to ask.

It might be worth your partner having that same chat with his HR department too. Because if they do turn up at his place of work he needs to be able to control the situation.

Meanwhile, work out a plan so you know what you're going to do if they turn up at your home. Remember you don't have to open the front door to anyone; if you do open the door to them you are allowed to close it at any time, even if they're still talking; and remember to keep everywhere locked shut even when you're at home, so they can't get in if you don't want them in.

I'm a year into NC with my dad and I found that getting a Ring Doorbell eased a lot of my anxiety about people turning up on the doorstep.

Thinking of you and just adding another voice to say you are not alone. Stay strong, you are doing really well. I've found that since getting to the year mark I have really turned a corner. The guilt is much less.