I know my parents are toxic. But I wasn't prepared for this and I don't know what to do.

[kardashianklone]

I'm sorry, this is long. I've tried to put in paragraphs to make it a little less trying. I don't have a good relationship with my parents. Any relationship, really. Full on narcissistic mum and enabling dad who are very controlling, petty, spiteful and prone to temper tantrums. I try to have as little to do with them as possible because every single interaction is just horrible and upsetting and nothing positive ever comes from it. I have read 'Toxic Parent's by Susan Forward (amazing book) and they are textbook.

I have tried to tell them how I feel, they don't care or don't listen. And the cycle endlessly repeats itself. I have gone NC before, but them one or the other of them has some serious health related drama and as an only child I am expected to fix all of their problems. They also don't seem to notice when I go NC and just carry on, regardless. We had a horrible Christmas 2017 where they said terrible things (by text) and when I responded back it was just silence. They ignored it, waited a few months, then carried on.

Previous gems include telling me I was a mistake baby but they decided to 'love me in the end', and being told "you should look at yourself and ask what went wrong", that I am "no daughter of theirs" (because I wouldn't use my annual leave to go and run their business whilst they went on holiday), and when Mum faked a heart attack (she'd coughed a bit too hard and strained the muscles around her ribs) that it was my fault for not visiting them enough. Also Mum telling me that she will probably die soon and that again will be my fault.

Late last night, I had a text message out of the blue (they won't call me, email me, and only Dad text messages me. Mum won't answer the phone if I call and won't respond to any of my communications). The message said that this month is their anniversary month (they were married years before I was born), and if I "forget what this means to your mum and dad (he speaks in the 3rd person) we will never speak to you again so try to not be a selfish child. Dad". It's not a joke- that's how they talk. Emotional blackmail, passive aggressive, temper tantrums. The viewing me as a child, not an adult, so it's all about control, the setting ridiculous responses in overblown dramatic fashion...it's so exhausting and distressing.

So now I have a dilemma. On one hand...they've made it easy for me, I would happily never talk to them again. On the other hand, I could just send a card (as I do every year) but I know it won't be enough. It will be, why didn't you send a present, or visit us, or make our day special? (they don't do anything to celebrate it themselves). I also resent being 'forced' to send them a card because of a threat of 'or else'. Once, about 10 years ago, I did forget to send a card, and Mum refused to speak to me for 6 months, and when she did, she called me a slut. So, what should I do? Send a card, not send a card?

Destroy the letter. And absolutely don't reply telling them your feelings or anything else. Your parents don't see you as their equal in terms of deserving respect as a fellow adult (let alone love) therefore any attempts to reason with them will be dismissed and brushed off as though it were the ramblings of a small child. They'll laugh at best, use it as further ammo at worst.

I went NC with my own parents for 15 years so I know it's not easy but sometimes it's all you can do to protect yourself. These people bring nothing to your life apart from to try to drag you down - why should you allow that to happen just because you happen to share some DNA?

Don't read it - you know what it says. You could ask a friend to read it to confirm it's the usual passive aggressive ranting whinge/hate fest, and then shred it and burn the shredding for good measure. But really, what they'll do is send you a few of these, so you might as well start as you mean to go on and just take a match to it.

Also, in tone they'll start with the 'terribly hurt' bullshit and then there'll be the 'your mother/father is sick with worry' followed by some health crisis like an actual heart attack - only that'll be bullshit and you can bet your life if either of them has so much as an ingrown toenail it'll be your fault.

You can care for yourself, and protect yourself, by keeping NC. And bloody well done for that.

What you said about not having children is very sad - why don't you take a step back, and take care of yourself like the mum you should have had, would have.

Buying yourself a bunch of flowers is a great suggestion. Be your own lovely mum.

I think the fact you feel so much better and lighter since you made your initial decision, means you have to burn it.

The fact the envelope was disguised to ensure you'd open it just shows that your parents know exactly what they are doing. Don't dwell, don't overthink it - you have done the best thing for your mental health without a doubt so get that pathetic, emotionally blackmailing piece of paper well and truly burnt and carry on living your life well and free from their influence

Well done OP.
As others have said - burn the letter.
The satisfaction will be immense.
Keep up the NC.
Keep strong.
You are doing so so well.

Just read your Post OP and I want to say how sorry I am for you.
My parents were drug addicts and i was neglected and treated badly as a child, but iv made peace with it, it wasnt my fault, it was theirs. You and I didn't ask to be born, no child deserves that treatment.
But we are adults now and we are in control of our own lives, you do not need to have a relationship with them juts because they are your parents, you have all the control now not them. please do not allow yourself to be treated this way still.
Also the comment about you not wanting children because you dont want to be your mother, this will not happen, because you are aware of the behavior and you know it was wrong, therefore you wont repeat it. I was neglected abused and beaten and I do not copy this with my own children, if anything I over compensate with them.
I can understand how you feel sad when you know your friends are close to their parents, but you know what lifes not fair and this is the hand we have been dealt, we just have to roll up our sleeves an get on with it. I was placed in care at the age of 13 and im in my thirties now and i have had NC with my birth mother the whole time (my choice)
Good luck OP.

We oinly get one life OP, you should be so proud of taking control of yours .

Stay strong.

Do you have a partner? Good friends? Other people to focus on who can give you love and support? (not saying you SHOULD, this is all about making yourself stronger and you can do it equally well on your own, just wishing good things for you x)

You've come SO far. You said yourself, the months of NC were light and carefree. It can continue to be that way - but only if you stay strong and BURN THE BLOODY LETTER! Don't return it or otherwise acknowledge it in any way. To do so is to re-open channels of communication, and that is the last thing you want.

You know this!

Hold on to the power and control that YOU have achieved now - relish that feeling of carefree and lightness. Congratulate yourself for escaping and for reaching out for support.

Do not read - it will wound, weaken and preoccupy you.

Do not respond in any way. Reward yourself with some self care.

Try to get that log off your phone otherwise you will continue to engage with it - you should not care how often they tried to call, from what location or phone or read anything further into it. It’s messing with your head.

Be ready for gifts, more post and flying monkeys - all traps to avoid. With any flying monkey - stop them in mid sentence before they impart any info - say - I don’t want to know.

My mum did that obsessive ringing when I went NC. She called my in laws (in their 80s) and told them she thought we (DH and the DC and me) must have been killed in a car crash because she couldn't get hold of me and when I was at the cinema I came out to 9 voice mails and about 13 missed calls. She wasn't upset, she was fucking raging I wouldn't come to heel. That's what it's about, not any concern for you. They want to bring you to heel to maintain the status quo.
Don't read it. Stay NC.

Block the WhatsApp also - of course they know you have blocked or ignored their texts - and then the WhatsApp and the phone calls - BUT they don’t care - they totally DISRESPECT your boundaries - so keep bashing up against them and trying to get through another way.

Do they know where you work? Are they in contact with any of your friends ? Be hyper vigilant right now as they will up the ante. Make sure every avenue is blocked - even if you have to say to work colleagues etc.

What fromage said with bells on.

You seem just lovely OP despite having been raised by these horrific people. I hope going NC and realising you owe them nothing helps you find peace x

They probably are terribly hurt as they are incapable of believing they have been anything other than perfect parents and their favourite whipping toy is not playing ball.

Your father rang you every few minutes for the best part of two days

What a bullying twat. He must have thought that your phone was ringing all that time and you were going to be bludgeoned into answering it. Textbook harassment. That's one incredibly evil man right there.

Also toomuchtooold makes an excellent point that their response to NC is totally unlike any response you would get from 'normal' people in a 'normal' family relationship. A normal response would be to worry that you were ill, or that you were upset by something they had unwittingly done... they would have been full of concern about you, trying to help you or find out how they could make it right.

Instead they move straight to the harassment and carefully disguised letters to try to force you into a response. Because they know already what this is about: they know they've been abusing you for many years. And because a response from you - any response - is a continuation of your relationship with them, and your relationship with them is all about them controlling and bullying you. And they enjoy that.

Burn and block. for you.

How is this even a question? Obviously don't send the card. Why expend energy on people who bring you so much unhappiness. You don't owe them anything.

Burn it, block everything. Don’t write to them explaining how you feel. They don’t care. Think how carefree you’ve been since going nc with them. They don’t deserve you.

Ok. Updated. Yeah, no party, eh?
I would probably read the letter.
And either leave it at that or respond in a short letter that I am just exhausted, and if they care to know why it is all in the letters and emails you wrote them in the course of the years that they apparently never grasped.
And that would be that.

She wasn't upset, she was fucking raging I wouldn't come to heel. That's what it's about, not any concern for you. They want to bring you to heel to maintain the status quo.

THIS!

If you read it and don’t respond - they still win and they have triggered an emotional reaction in you - which will wound and weaken you - and if they keep doing this and you keep reading - one day you will explode or implode and make contact - DONT LET THAT HAPPEN

Agree with everyone else who says burn the letter. Do not send any letter telling them how you feel - they will have a good laugh at your expense as they will never see that they are in the wrong. Just in case your aunt ever contacts you to ask what is going on, do not engage in a discussion about it. Tell her it's none of her concern (in a polite way if you get on with her). Don't tell her anything about your life as no doubt it will go straight back to your dad. You have already given yourself freedom from their nasty, vile behaviour so don't jeopardise that by inviting them back into your world. Be careful opening any further letters as they may type the next one, or even get the aunt to write. Burn anything that comes from them or about them, even if it's to say they are ill. They are not your responsibility and even if they need care you will never be obliged to provide it or have any part in organising it. Do not ever get sucked into their lives again. Onwards and upwards for you now!

Don’t read it, keep calm and carry on as they say.

If there is someone you trust who could give it a once over and tell you if it is anything other then the vile dribble you expect.

That way your curiosity is done, you don’t have to read it then burn baby burn.

Christ they sound absolutely vile. I would go NC.

don't send a card, go PROPERLY nc this time and don't be drawn in again.

Op my heart aches for you, no one deserves to be treated as you have been done.
Maintain no contact, don't even give them head space, they do not deserve it, and you should not be torturing yourself. Going NC will hopefully, over time result in you becoming to feel indifferent to them.
You owe them nothing, don't ever consider how you could deal with their long term care when older or their funerals.
They are not your responsibility
And please do not consider that you should never have children yourself, you deserve to have a loving relationship, and if possible be part of a loving family.
Look after and love yourself and don't give these awful human beings your time or thoughts.

Burn it. Flush asked down the loo.
Nc with dm and frequently binned her post. She tried writing to dc via their friend's addresses!
Left her a voice mail suggesting I would see a solicitor if she didn't stop.