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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know my parents are toxic. But I wasn't prepared for this and I don't know what to do.

464 replies

kardashianklone · 08/08/2018 10:46

I'm sorry, this is long. I've tried to put in paragraphs to make it a little less trying. I don't have a good relationship with my parents. Any relationship, really. Full on narcissistic mum and enabling dad who are very controlling, petty, spiteful and prone to temper tantrums. I try to have as little to do with them as possible because every single interaction is just horrible and upsetting and nothing positive ever comes from it. I have read 'Toxic Parent's by Susan Forward (amazing book) and they are textbook.

I have tried to tell them how I feel, they don't care or don't listen. And the cycle endlessly repeats itself. I have gone NC before, but them one or the other of them has some serious health related drama and as an only child I am expected to fix all of their problems. They also don't seem to notice when I go NC and just carry on, regardless. We had a horrible Christmas 2017 where they said terrible things (by text) and when I responded back it was just silence. They ignored it, waited a few months, then carried on.

Previous gems include telling me I was a mistake baby but they decided to 'love me in the end', and being told "you should look at yourself and ask what went wrong", that I am "no daughter of theirs" (because I wouldn't use my annual leave to go and run their business whilst they went on holiday), and when Mum faked a heart attack (she'd coughed a bit too hard and strained the muscles around her ribs) that it was my fault for not visiting them enough. Also Mum telling me that she will probably die soon and that again will be my fault.

Late last night, I had a text message out of the blue (they won't call me, email me, and only Dad text messages me. Mum won't answer the phone if I call and won't respond to any of my communications). The message said that this month is their anniversary month (they were married years before I was born), and if I "forget what this means to your mum and dad (he speaks in the 3rd person) we will never speak to you again so try to not be a selfish child. Dad". It's not a joke- that's how they talk. Emotional blackmail, passive aggressive, temper tantrums. The viewing me as a child, not an adult, so it's all about control, the setting ridiculous responses in overblown dramatic fashion...it's so exhausting and distressing.

So now I have a dilemma. On one hand...they've made it easy for me, I would happily never talk to them again. On the other hand, I could just send a card (as I do every year) but I know it won't be enough. It will be, why didn't you send a present, or visit us, or make our day special? (they don't do anything to celebrate it themselves). I also resent being 'forced' to send them a card because of a threat of 'or else'. Once, about 10 years ago, I did forget to send a card, and Mum refused to speak to me for 6 months, and when she did, she called me a slut. So, what should I do? Send a card, not send a card?

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 17/01/2019 11:07

I agree that you should burn it or shred it and totally ignore it. And then continue with your new life. Thanks

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/01/2019 11:09

Do not under any circumstances send it back because that is a response and they will know they have you then. The response to such disordered of thinking people like your parents is the reward. Radio silence from you must be maintained.

I would take this letter out of the drawer and destroy it via shredding or burning. Do not give this any more power.

DishingOutDone · 17/01/2019 11:10

You have come so far OP, don't falter now. Please destroy it, as Attila says above, don't give it (or them) any more power.

RhubarbTea · 17/01/2019 11:11

Burn it with fire! And then get on with the rest of your life and the business of being happy. (I'm NC with my toxic mother for almost 2 years, she's my only parent and I realised recently I am not depressed any more and had only just noticed. This is weird and wonderful and has been going on a while. So she was really dragging me down all my life until I went NC. Best and hardest thing I've ever done.)

OyOy · 17/01/2019 11:13

DO NOT READ IT.

Burn it, shred it, drown it in the washing up bowl.

Then get the remains out of your house!

Carry on with NC.

It's the only healthy option.

Take care.

Serialweightwatcher · 17/01/2019 11:15

I would make this your last attempt at writing down everything you feel and how you are made to feel with the way they have always treated you - explain in the letter that if they are not going to take any responsibility for the way they have and continue to treat you, you do not want any contact with them again ... the ball is then in their court - if they don't acknowledge anything or try to make things right, shred the next correspondence ... I know you've done it before but it's obviously bothering you and I can understand it, so this last attempt and that's that, because they seem to be trying here but can't quite admit it's their own fault and they owe you an apology (put that in letter and see what happens)

deepwatersolo · 17/01/2019 11:16

Frankly, if I were you, I would just send a card, but additionally I would (ideally before this anniversary, if it is possible timing wise) throw a big party either on your birthday or on your calculated day of conception, celebrating them for having made the most beautiful mistake of their lives. If this is timed before the anniversary, you can say that this party is instead of the anniversary party, because you think what they created together is more important than their marriage date.

Weezol · 17/01/2019 11:17

Do not under any circumstances send it back because that is a response and they will know they have you then. The response to such disordered of thinking people like your parents is the reward. Radio silence from you must be maintained.

Absolutely this.

A good thing to remember is 'We don't reward bad behaviour with attention'.

BitOutOfPractice · 17/01/2019 11:18

Yes, burn it! I think that will be cathartic

I want to hug you , I really do. You sound so lovely but so sad. You don't deserve the hurt your parents have caused you Thanks

deepwatersolo · 17/01/2019 11:18

Wait, what did I miss, what response? (Gee, I should have read the whole thread!!! Will do now!).

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 17/01/2019 11:19

It doesn't matter what you choose to do with it, you're not going to reply. You've taken away their power and control over you by not responding, and that is the important thing. That is what you need for you and your self esteem after the terrible, unforgivable way they've treated you.

Get rid of it so it doesn't take up any head space, and keep doing what you are doing. It is so hard to break away from toxic relationships, and it's all you've ever know from them. You are doing brilliantly!

Musti · 17/01/2019 11:23

Hey lovely. Destroy it and any correspondence you get. You know it's going to be vile and guilt trippy. You know there is never going to be anything that you do or say that will make them understand or behave better towards you. It isn't you, it's them, so it's all about feeding their narcissistic needs. I went nc with my ex mil and I put any cards straight in the bin. She'd send flowers or cards with passive aggressive messages that were completely unrelated to reality. She would take her writing and post from somewhere else and make the card anonymous but I knew it was her.

It will never be better. My ex grandmother in law (mil's mother) was vile to MIL on her deathbed.

Gatehouse77 · 17/01/2019 11:24

Overall, how has it been for you the last 5 months? Do you feel free from the sense of overbearing they gave you? Do you feel lighter because you're not giving them headspace?

I know when I was estranged from my father the sense of relief was enormous - knowing I could go home and he wouldn't be there was liberating! That reinforced my gut instinct that I had done the right thing.

Focus on your feelings and what makes life manageable for you. Personally, I don't believe that just because someone is your parent means they have a right to be in your life. My father may have fathered me but he was never a father to me - huge difference IMO.

Musti · 17/01/2019 11:24

Fake her writing not take her writing

Blinkingblimey · 17/01/2019 11:25

Don’t read it. I think asking someone else to write ‘not known at this address’ and popping it back in the post box could be a good wheeze if you’d rather they think you’ve moved...

TopicalUseOnly · 17/01/2019 11:27

Burn baby burn!

golondrina · 17/01/2019 11:29

I'd probably read it if I thought I could manage not to respond (4 years NC with a mother I'm convinced had NPD). Definitely do not respond. Probably better not to read it and just burn it. It will be destined to fuck with your head.

RelaxedSelfGuiding · 17/01/2019 11:30

OP until the next round of parent-behaviour comes around

So don't let it. Ignore. Block. Let them rant. This is bout you not them. Reclaim your life and don't feel guilty. They brought this on themselves

Ribbonsonabox · 17/01/2019 11:32

Take back control and RIP it up or burn it without reading it. If you read it those words will be in your mind and why should they be? It's all bullshit to manipulate you and you know that. For no contact to work you really have to keep it up fully... only then will you be out of their grips. They may be your parents but they have spent your life abusing you and you owe them nothing. Dont read anything they send you throw it straight away and never reply.

CantWaitToRetire · 17/01/2019 11:33

I've read most, but not all of this thread and I have to say how sad it makes me feel that the OP and many others of you on here, have had such awful relationships with your parents that you were forced to go NC to avoid them. For someone who has been fortunate enough to have had a happy and loved relationship with their own DPs, it is hard for me to fathom what this must be like. I can't get my head around it.

Flowers and hugs for OP and all Mumsnetters who are in this situation. It's disturbing to learn that there are so many human beings out there who treat their offspring in such a vile way.

toomuchtooold · 17/01/2019 11:33

It's like scratching a spot this stuff, you want to do it, and then when you do, you wish you hadn't. The healthy thing to do is to burn it.

Isn't it interesting though that people who up until now would probably have maintained to other people that their relationship with you was absolutely fine and functional and all that, have not acted the slightest bit normally about this? Normal people would escalate their efforts to get in contact, and then when they realised that all phone and SM was blocked, would send a card or a normal letter saying "we can't get in touch with you, is anything wrong?" - your parents know fine that something is wrong, and they know what is wrong, that's why they disguised the letter like that. Fuck em. There is nothing new in that letter.

Abouttime · 17/01/2019 11:34

You’ve come this far, so t go back.

Burn the letter and carry on with your life.

Abouttime · 17/01/2019 11:34

*dont

Original poster
kardashianklone · 17/01/2019 11:34

@Gatehouse77 not having contact the past few months has been so light and carefree. The occasional moments of sadness when people well meaningly ask 'are you going to family at Christmas?' or other such perfectly normal and chocolate-box-family questions, but apart from that, I have been very happy not having to worry about what the next text or phone call might say. Also, the RELIEF about not worrying about a Christmas present for each of them (which is rarely acknowledged or thanked) was monumental.

@Attlia thank you so much. I was hoping you might come on and say something inspiring, as you always do.

I forgot- over Christmas, my Dad rung me several times, in a row. I have the number blocked so it doesn't ring, but shows up in my caller log. He rang repeatedly, obsessively, every few minutes, from the house landline, his mobile and then mum's mobile, at 2 min intervals, for the best part of two days. I did briefly consider there was an emergency, but then thought that given so many of the calls where from the landline, (i.e not from the mobile at a hospital, or any external number- whatever was happening they were obviously safe at home). That is my parents at their strongest- 'how DARE you not answer the phone to ME immediately! I will ring you repeatedly until you DO WHAT I WANT! '.

If I hadn't have had their number blocked, and I had looked at my phone or heard the endless ringing and seen umpteen missed calls, I think I would have spontaneously combusted with fear and anxiety.

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 17/01/2019 11:37

Shred it, burn the shreddings and scatter the ash somewhere other than the back garden. Job done; as you were.

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