Dating Thread 138: Hotter Than July

[CoverMeLads]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11.Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Argh Daffo! Please update - hope you just styled it out and he wasn't mortally offended!

Margo what were the tips please?!? And what kind of men did you attract from them?

daffo I did that once too. I just owned it, sent a grovelling apology and we both laughed!

just leaving this here for everyone:
ethenyljacket.wordpress.com/2014/07/25/top-10-songs-to-get-over-your-cunt-of-an-ex-because-everybody-knows-hes-an-arsehole-and-you-deserve-better/

The wise people told me to make my profile more specific, so talk about an experience and say things that I enjoyed doing - not ‘cosy nights on the sofa’ or ‘eating out’ that loads of people put but really specific things. Don’t be afraid to say what your passions are.

Also say positively what you’re looking for in a date/partner - again being specific about the things that matter or are important to you.

Just thought I would pop in and say hi. Nothing to report here, although I was naughty and looked on Bumble where I have had a spate of men unmatching me, no idea what I said that made them do it

It wasn't weird seeing my ex on POF, did make me laugh though when I accidentally viewed his profile (to clarify, it's not the guy Im heartbroken over, it's an old ex from long ago). I've seen him on other OLD in the past too. Meh, we're all human.

So Mr Shiftworker has reduced to one line responses to my text from 24 hours previously. I'm officially bored of him and won't bother any more. Mr Traveller hasn't been seen for days. So he's binned too.

Cold bin Mr Tinkle! Now!

Not sure if he was offended but I said at least I have broken the ice! made some excuse about having a drink with a work colleague called that name! Don't think he believed me!

Nice guy, no spark though if he had gone for a snog I would have reciprocated. He didn't though and we went our separate ways. Suspect another one I will say thanks but no thanks!

cake that happens a lot on bumble -is normal. Can be distance, anything really...

Mr Tinkle

His last text was a one word response to a stunning picture I sent him of the mountains where I was today.

That one word was “Mega”

So, I went on a date. He talked about himself a lot, but seemed conscious of it, so I thought just nerves.

He sort of kissed me, so was attracted to me (you never really know otherwise) but 'fessed up that he really likes women to dress a certain way. I've been mulling over this and I don't really know what to do. I mean, it's not the worst preference and he was honest about it, but... I am getting sick of being the one who has to change. Is a first date the time to compromise?

He seems reasonably nice, but not amazingly nice, and now I fear hard work. We went on one date. I did kind of promise to see him again (haven't firmed up a time or place, but I did give him a day) but I'm not sure.

He's not in the same place as me in terms of career or general stability.

I also don't think I want to date someone who likes my legs. They are not my best feature. I have massive boobs. If someone is drawn to something lame like my legs and not my boobs, they probably don't really like me all that much.

Opinions? Please. I need someone to tell it how it is...

pringle some men are leg men. some men are boob men. Never the twain shall meet. it's their preference not yours, and doesn't mean they don't like you enough.

BendyLikeBeckham But my legs are stumpy and covered in cellulite. I also walk like a wounded baby giraffe in heels. In a non-insecure way, I can say my legs are not my best feature. Therefore... if someone is into legs, they will find many better legs out there. I don't see how I can be the prize, and I want to feel like the prize. (My issue... or his?)

Admittedly, this guy hasn't actually asked me to wear heels, but the last guy who was obsessed with my legs had a real thing for stockings and heels and I fear it may escalate. Like... wearing heels and hosiery on a regular basis. Stockings are bloody expensive and ladder all the time, and heels get tiring. I don't mind making an effort for special occasions, but I can't be a Stepford Wife all the time... It really did get tedious.

I guess asking me to wear leggings is reasonably harmless, but I never ever do! I live in swishy skirts; that's my style. Now I feel petulant. I can't decide if I'm being smart and listening to my spidey instinct or just making up excuses to write someone off for no good reason.

He's kinda cute. And I am being horrible ignoring him. But currently the only ticks he has are 1) kinda cute and 2) seemingly very honest. I'm not sure that's enough. Maybe it should be. Ugh. I overthink at the best of times; it's worse when I can't sleep!

Pringle no way should you be thinking about changing your style to suit a new guy ! Just no. Stay swishy!

Pringle I don't really have a physical 'type' but if I had to pick a preference the only thing I'm consciously aware of is that I rather like redheads (but not gingers!). I've very rarely dated anyone with red hair though! It's just a visual thing that doesn't really matter too much in the grand scheme of things.

Legs, boobs, eyes, etc., all catch my gaze for a moment but if someone's personality grabs my attention, none of it matters one jot, so don't sweat it if a man likes your own personal least favourite feature - the fact that he has an interest in you is the only important detail (assuming you like him).

That said, if he is suggesting you want to dress a certain way on a first date, beware controlling behaviour. You may want to please the person you are with but that should never mean compromising on your own style, beliefs, etc.

Focus instead on what you want and pay attention to...

He's not in the same place as me in terms of career or general stability and the fact that you can only give him two very small ticks.

Is that, along with the fact that you needed a kiss to gauge his interest (there are hundreds of other signs) enough for you?

Pringle Just ...No!
He isn't your ideal in terms of where he is at in life, he talked about himself a lot and he is already suggesting you change to fit in with his preferences, fuck off!
You are not being petulant, you are being sensible, I would cancel second date as this one doesn't sound like he blew you away and you are allowed to be picky and hold out for that.
Better to be single than be with the wrong person, get some more dates lined up and find someone who makes you feel super sexy in your swishy skirts (check me out with the alliteration at 7 in the morning!)
I have date number 2 at lunchtime, cancelled other date last night as wasn't feeling it and didn't think it fair to make him drive over after work on that basis. (so yes, already over invested)

There should be some sort of law about alliteration before the third morning coffee kicks in ignoring! Good luck with your number two today.

Hey you wonderful lot. Wondering if I could have some HELP composing a message please.

Been seeing a guy - probably 6-8 dates over 6 weeks. Don’t live v close, busy lives etc. When together he is lovely but barely contacts me in between. I may be naive but I really don’t think he is seeing anyone else - just busy with work and life.
However - I am trying to keep in mind that I am the prize. And if this is the case then he surely should be making more of an effort.
I haven’t heard from him this week since a quick message on Sunday sending me a pic, and I’m fed up now. He will answer me if I message but otherwise not initiate. Out of sight out of mind I assume. I have deliberately not contacted him this week and nothing....
I am clearly not the prize I would like to be.

Have reacquainted myself with FWB and so feel strong enough to walk away now.
However I don’t want to just ghost him and I also don’t want to be unkind/rude
But I do want him to know why - without coming across as a needy pathetic girl who needs constant reassurance. Because I don’t think I am - I just want to feel desired, loved and someone to be proud of me....

Can any of you eloquent lot help?

Why don't you just engage him in conversation, state how you feel, explain what you need and ask him if he is willing to initiate some of the time hatty?

You have nothing to lose by sharing your perspective in an assertive manner and, potentially, everything to gain if he was imply unaware of how he was making you feel.

There's also a world of difference between sending one assertive message/making one such call and being needy (which is an entire state of mind).

Morning Hatty In no way should I be giving dating advice (still single nearly 3 years on....)
However, in this situation my message would be along the lines of

'I have really enjoyed getting to know you but the lack of contact recently suggests you don't really have the time for dating so I will take a step back and wish you well'

Although I think Kins suggestion of an open conversation is possibly more mature. I am quite black and white so once I feel someone isn't making an effort I draw a line under it and move on. (Did I mention I am still single ) feel free to ignore this advice!

Thanks @kin and @nokia

I was thinking along the lines of what you said Nokia but Kin you have made me think.... Am I just getting on my high horse without giving him a chance.
I suppose I am wary of him just doing it to please me rather than it being a natural thing. I do believe if he like me enough he would show it.

Aargh it’s so hard sometimes - but maybe as you say I have nothing to lose....

I'm not saying ignoring is wrong hatty, in fact her approach may well be right, but as someone who also tends to be a bit (alright, massively) black and white in approach, I think it's worth considering the grey areas in-between.

From my own point of view, I can be very perceptive and intuitive, picking up on the tiniest details, yet at the same time, I am also aware that I can also miss the glaringly obvious, even when it is staring me in the face.

For that reason, I do wonder if he just needs to have it spelled out to him - us men can be incredibly stupid at times and need to be told!

I suppose I am frightened of further rejection (how much have our pasts messed us up )
If I call and tell him how I feel I am making myself so vulnerable. A goodbye message puts me in control.
But I do also wonder if I should spell it out as you suggest as he most likely doesn’t have a clue. I would say he is probably not terribly perceptive.
I think I desperately want someone who is.... but that again is probably my insecurities coming out
Well - to work now so I have the day to think out my plan...
Thanks for your support.

I suppose I am frightened of further rejection (how much have our pasts messed us up hmm)

Your past has gone. Can you can let it control your future or you can learn from it and let it go. You cannot change it.

If I call and tell him how I feel I am making myself so vulnerable. A goodbye message puts me in control.

You are making yourself vulnerable only to him. If the call backfires, no-one else will know and you will never speak to him again. Therefore it has no power over you, beyond making you feel bad for a few minutes until you regather your composure.

But I do also wonder if I should spell it out as you suggest as he most likely doesn’t have a clue. I would say he is probably not terribly perceptive.

Sweeping statement: most people are not very perceptive.

that again is probably my insecurities coming out

Every person on this planet has insecurities - own them and they lose a lot of their power.

Thanks for your support.

Whatever you do, best wishes! (There is no luck involved).

Hatty I think Nokia's message is good - after 6-8 dates I would want to know where things stand so maybe adapt it a bit and say that you need to know where he sees things going?

Pringle absolutely bin that bloke!! Your comments are so lukewarm about him and you have concerns and yet you feel you owe him another date! Why??

I would like to know what people do when they get a nice, well thought out message from someone that they absolutely do not fancy? Do you ignore? Reply with a polite rebuttal?

Hatty I would do what Nokia suggests and send him a message, I don’t think you owe him a face to face conversation, the lack of contact between dates would piss me off too, it’s not hard to text a couple messages a day.

I now have a couple irons, one is a machanic who wants to help fix my van, the other is a surfer who wants to take me away for a weekends surfing. These men have only been chatting to me for a few hours, why are people so overly keen? Mr Marathon is still messaging me (probably just to mess with my head) and I have had a few new messages on POF, one man who I have chatted too before asked me if I wanted to be tied up The joys of OLD

Still nothing from Mr Camper, I don’t think I will hear from him again. I’m not bothered, after going over things in my head he wouldn’t have been good relationship material and the sex was pretty piss poor. Hopefully when I get back from my holiday I can start going on a few dates.

Maggie I ignore messages from people I don’t find atractive, she’s metimes it’s hard because often they write really thoughtful messages but I can’t date someone that’s not pleasing to the eye (I’m not fussy with looks but we all have a type).