Dating Thread 138: Hotter Than July

[CoverMeLads]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11.Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Pringle he sounds a bit grim really. I'm so not up for being told how to dress - definitely not by someone I barely know. This will just be the tip of the iceberg as well. He wants you to be something else - don't do it!!!!

hatty44 - fear is not a good friend or taskmaster. Don't let it drive what you do. I did for years and you just get smaller & smaller until you are locked into a tiny mental headspace because you become afraid to get out of that space because you mistakenly think it is safe! I'm with Kin on this and think you should probably have a conversation - unless you think he is a waste of space and you are actually looking for a reason to finish with him.

hatty44 ^ everything wot kin said ^

I'm far more laid back than you about frequency of contact, but I do like to see some signs they are interested. If he is busy with work and life, as you say, then it seems a bit unnecessary to bin him for that. This is dating, and it has to fit with work, family, friends and life for both of you. You can't expect to to be the centre of his world!

I don't mean that harshly, just to give perspective. I see a lot here who end things just because they don't feel enough of a priority/get enough attention, and I think it's perhaps a bit unrealistic. But then I'm a really busy person and have to make people wait for dates with me, so that may skew my thinking.

I think you're all right. It's very early to be making compromises! Thank you. I don't owe him a second date, you are quite correct!

I replied to a friendly message last night asking if he had any new photos (in a nice way). Didn't say in as many words, but it was because I know he's had those photos up for at least a year and I bet they weren't current at the time. He sounds normal, but equally, bit sick of people who look nothing like their photo.

Like Lovemusic33 I will ignore messages from guys where I find them completely not my physical type - there are some preferences I can get past, but there has to be a basic level of looks that can be pulled up by a cracking personality.

I've signed up to bumble. Seems promising but I can't believe what I've just seen.

Sorry this is on a tangent but a guy who says he's a police inspector has his Instagram linked and has photos of his young daughter in the bath on there! Wtf! What an idiot

last date of the week tonight, don't have much hope for this one really but we are v similar and have similar backgrounds and he's a good looking chap

having a v nice chat with someone much more my age range and I am seeing him this weekend

Mr Music, remember the one my spidey senses are telling me there is something going on (he cancelled first date because he was ill) and I was going to block but never got round to it, has rearranged for next week. I have asked him, directly, if there's anything he wants to tell me. He assures me he was genuinely ill and has been busy travelling with work. It is possible. Spidey senses say no (I'd put money on married or in a LTR). Normally I would avoid but I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt and at least meet him, if he turns up, because we get on like a house on fire. Nothing to lose in a way lol.

Have booked surfing for Xmas so feel quite relaxed about that now - I have had so many single Xmases which are always difficult with the kids as I share the day with exh and it's uncomfortable but this year, exh is away so I wanted to do something different for a change.

pringle do you think he's trying to compliment you and really likes your body? I think, in a way, it's good that someone tells you what their preferences are upfront but if it's not something you're comfortable with, at least you can avoid early on rather than finding out down the line.

hatty i would leave the conversation to be a face to face one - i think it's a really critical conversation at around the 6-8 date time but one that probably shouldn't happen on text!

Daffo your Christmas plans sound great, I hate Christmas (since my last relationship went horribly wrong a few days before Christmas a few years ago), I hate the juggling the kids with ex and visiting family stuff. Would love to just go away for the week.

bendy these were people that had actually asked me out on a date, were chatting nicely the suddenly just disappeared it has happened 4 times in 2 days!
Will catch up with the rest of the thread tonight!

pringle eugh, if any man suggested they'd like me to dress a certain way, i would run a mile. Just eugh. If someone asked me to wear heels, they would be on a date with Bambi. You keep swishing.

nokia enjoy date number 2, let me over invest for you :)

love here is to no more piss poor sex ;)

Tomorrow I have a sushi date with Mr Suprise (the one I snogged on with two weeks ago). Lets ee, he is coming to my house (he did before and nothing more happened), but I don't feel the stirring in my loins to want to jump on him. A glass of wine might help that. I am a bit worried I'll end up breaking his heart, but I will be honest with him about my current situation and fear of getting into another relationship. I kind of like my life at the moment and I don't want to change it for now.

FWB came over last night. I must say, I have no love feelings for him, but he is an amazing lover, our chemistry is off the scale and he is, well, quite frankly bonkers. The conversations we have are priceless. I told him he should have a youtube channel "life according to FWB". He is a gem. Not sure how, or why I would give that up at the moment.

Hmmmm. Watch this space.

cake my comments weren't specifically aimed at anyone. But since you mentioned it, yours and my perceptions of disappeared may be different. What vet encountered with Mr DM was a disappearance. I had a guy recently go quiet for a couple of weeks. Turns out he was on holiday with a group of friends (or lying but I won't know and don't care). I have loads that chat and go quiet for a bit. Maybe I'm just their back up, I don't know! But for me, I don't sweat it and am just quite laid back. Probably because they don't mean anything to me.

What I do find is that those who message daily with 'maintenance' texts, are not being interesting enough. I need to tell them that I'm busy and not needy enough to need maintaining! lol

Someone said to me recently that they'd prefer a couple of good in depth stimulating conversations a week with nothing inbetween, than daily "I'm watching Lewis" on TV type ones. I'm inclined to agree wholeheartedly.

Sorry bendy it was actually daffo that I meant to highlight no wonder you were confused!

pudding why would you need to give anyone up? So long as you are upfront with anyone else you date, and they are OK with it, I don't see a problem. I have found lots that like the freedom it gives them too, to date others.

Kin your post at 08.33 was so helpful psychologically so thanks. I'm going to keep it as a reminder.

bendy I guess you are right, so long as I am honest :)

pudding you only need to look at these dating threads to realise that many people, even those looking for a traditional relationship, are multi-dating these days. I think it would be naive to think that at least some of them are not sleeping with more than one person at a time, and that goes equally for the people they meet.

How much more refreshing would it be if you go for an multi-FWB setup in which openness and honesty are at the forefront and everyone does as they would anyway but without the secrecy, BS or avoidance of a chat about the elephant that is undoubtedly in the room?

I have about three on the go and right at the start say I'm not exclusive. If they ask about others I tell them I never discuss past or present lovers. Equally I don't want to know about theirs. Working so far.

Hello all

I’ve been lurking and following with much interest. I am recently divorced and have started online dating without much success. I’m on Soulmates but dipped my toe in Bumble. I’ve had about 6 dates since January.

Mr Lawyer is rather lovely. We messaged constantly for 5 weeks (yes 5 blood weeks!!) before meeting. It was a bit underwhelming after the lively conversations but I still thought he was nice - no spark. He has sole custody of his two young kids and has a very demanding job. We agreed to meet at the weekend (5 weeks after first date). Messaging tailed off a lot after first date but I messaged to ask if we were still meeting. He said yes.

Anyway, he sent me a message today that he can’t meet as he has his kids and other stuff came up and whether was I free another day. It’s feeling like too much hard work. I don’t know if he went quiet because his life is so busy or whether he isn’t interested. I do like him but the momentum has gone. How should I respond? I wouldn’t mind seeing him again but I’m also a bit meh...

It was a bit underwhelming... no spark... It’s feeling like too much hard work... the momentum has gone... I’m also a bit meh

You answered your own question Milo

Why the blushing Azz?

Yes, I suppose I did! There are so many things I like about him but it’s probably a no goer.

Well because it feels like I'm up to no good Kin. There's no-one I can tell in RL and those that I have sort of said I'm seeing younger men express their concern about me! They've discussed it and are "worried". I've said that older men could be just as risky but they think I should be focussing on finding a proper partner.

I don't want that though at the moment.

azziz sounds like you are being upfront with people and are happy with the arrangement so you are not doing anything wrong :)
Milo sounds like you are not that interested and should keep looking. A lot of us prefer an early meet to see if the spark is there.
Think I have blown it with mine, went for lunch but I know I was quiet as I was running through everything in my head first before speaking, I was so nervous! Which is really not like me at all.
Still trying to work out if it was because I like him so much and felt at a disadvantage or if my confidence is at an all time low following recent ghosting. Either way will be surprised if I hear from him again, which is a shame.

It was just the excitement of meeting someone you like ignoring, nothing to do with confidence whatsoever. Whoever ghosted you is a tool - get that muppet out of your head.

Good for you Azz. Nice that you've got concerned friends but sometimes you need to think with something other than your head OR your heart

Welcome Milo. Regardless of your feelings for MrLawyer it sounds like having a relationship with him would be very unsatisfactory- he is a lawyer AND has sole custody of small children? If you are recently divorced you have just been through a lot of trauma. Do you want to be in a situation where you are going to be, understandably, a lower priority than his kids (and likely his job too)? Think about what YOU want to get out of dating. If it's another serious relationship that's fine but it sounds to me like you need someone who can commit some time to you

Who is ignoring? That's the second reference you have made to them today Kin, I am missing someone's posts?