Dating Thread 138: Hotter Than July

[CoverMeLads]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11.Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

I thought I had figured it out! 🤣
I just keep changing my mind and wanting what I haven't got I guess.

This one is more benefits than friends, so I probably need to start again.

Have you at least figured out what you don't want scrump?

Can you not speak to your BWF to see if you can redefine the landscape and turn it into FWB instead?

I think so.. . I think I don't want a serious relationship, I'm newly single after about 20 years and am enjoying concentrating on the kids when I have them and me when I don't.

Sorry for selfish hijacking.

So what is it you need help with scrump?

I think you advising to have a chat with the bwf to see about maybe turning it into a fwb has already helped.

Then if he's not up for that, which I imagine will be the case, I'll move on and start again.

Thanks guys for the responses and great to see some men on this thread too as always good to have a males perspective. I honestly thought it was easier for men, all the men I’ve been on dates with have said how women just throw themselves at them. Some have also said it’s like a sweet shop and addictive.

I know you say I’m insecure for checking locations/WhatsApp’s. But I went into this all very naively a year ago, dated Tom Hardy’s double for 5 months he was perfection (or so I thought - @richdeniro beware to your friend chasing perfection) we are both hugely into the gym so his body was amazing - you get the picture. Anyway it all ended as he had a grass is greener complex. He said he was faithful but looking back I doubt he was. Maybe that’s why I’m now trying to be a realist.

But should I go on a date in 2 days with a guy who’s barely got to know me but is using Tinder constantly and whatsapping someone all night? I know I may look crazy for checking that but I just want some effort!

I live near to London so get what you mean about the possibilities being endless, why would anyone settle down?

Maybe I should take a break but I’m going to keep up with this thread and see how I feel about it all. @1morerep I’m so glad things seem to be going well for you xx

I honestly thought it was easier for men, all the men I’ve been on dates with have said how women just throw themselves at them.

It's weird for me - when I have no dates at all it can be quite tough but once I have one it becomes very easy indeed. In fact, it is too easy. And predictable. Can't say I've had anyone throw themselves at me though I have certainly experienced extreme over investment from women I've only dates 2-3 times. Yuck!

But should I go on a date in 2 days with a guy who’s barely got to know me but is using Tinder constantly and whatsapping someone all night?

Why not?

I know I may look crazy for checking that but I just want some effort!

You've only had one date - how much effort should he be putting in at this point do you think? Would you pin everything on someone you don't really know?

I live near to London so get what you mean about the possibilities being endless, why would anyone settle down?

Why indeed?

scrumple I was in a similar situation to you a couple of years ago. I started OLD after a long marriage, got bombarded by messages, had no idea what I was doing.
It's taken me a long time to work out what I want. And I don't think I could put it into words but somewhere between FWB and serious relationship is sort of there.
I've had many first dates, one longish relationship and made a few friends along the way.
My advice would be to chat to lots of men, go on as many dates as you feel comfortable with and you will learn as you go along. And ask this thread for advice as well.

meow turn off your last seen on WA. And stop checking. You'll just tie yourself in knots stressing about it.
Go on date 2 and convince him that you are worth the effort. If he's not convinced then move on.

I appear to have broken POF and Tinder!
A photographer friend of mine took some new photos for me to use. They are fabulous - no idea how he made me look so good.
I uploaded a couple to POF, reloaded Tinder, added a few others that friends had taken so it didn't look too professional.

And...........nothing. Two days, no matches, no messages, zero interest. Tinder says only 10+ people have liked me (usually that goes to 99+ very quickly).
So I can only assume that all the local men are so stunned by my new photos and have lost the ability to swipe or type.

Hello! I'm new to this thread. I've just got back on one OLD site after a year. I live in France. I met up for coffee with a man just before I went away for a fortnight and we had a greaat time. I'm 49, he's 54. He's very easy to talk to and good looking too. He told me he wanted to see me again on my return.

During my absence we exchanged a fair number of messages, not every day; he likes short and sweet ones so I've kept mine more or less similar. I know he chats with other women on the OLD; he's told me. At some point I tried pushing him away gently (my usual self protection mechanism) via message and his reaction was perfect; gently reassuring, making a light joke of it and insisting he wanted to see me again. His reaction made me laugh out loud and I felt instantly reassured.

I returned to France on Friday evening and he invited me to lunch and a long afternoon of coffees the next day as he was due to go on holiday for three weeks on Monday. We got on really well. The conversation was great, lots of laughter and the physical attraction is strong. Whilst he wanted us to take it further physically he was respectful when I told him I wasn't ready. There was lots of kissing, etc.

He wants to see me on his return, told me he'd been a bit dismayed when I'd tried to put a stop to things whilst away as he'd been keen to spend more time with me. I'm not expecting anything from this and am happy to try and go with the flow but I have an insecure streak and the fact he's not one for every day messaging may make me feel doubtful whilst he's absent. Should I just accept that's how it is and see how things go? I'm not one for crowding or instigating contact much. He told me, in general, it was good to do a bit of crowding and to show interest.

He seems to be candid (I'm very cautious to believe anything much that I'm told in general) ; he's chatting with other women, has stated when he's serious about someone he wants both to stop contact with others. He's admitted to feeling tired and wary after past relationship failures but is still hoping for something serious. What HE wants is either nothing or something serious, i.e. living together.

If you have a few words of advice to give me I'd be grateful to you all!

I'm sorry this is SO long!

I've read so many things about dating. If a man really likes you, he'll chase you AND don't invest too much in the beginning. He's clearly not a worrier, is much more philosophical than I am. Should I see the fact he's not sending me loads of messages as a lack of interest or just that it's early days?

I'm also communicating with others on the OLD site and I know it does no good to overanalyse.

Thanks guys - I have last seen turned off, blue ticks turned off, everything, have always done that. I get that we should all date multiple people etc to find someone you both connect with, it's more that the two guys I was meant to have dates with haven't really spoken to me at all. We haven't even got a proper date set up. I haven't heard from either of them now and I sent the last messages. Just made me feel a bit crappy seeing them online.

I think in reality it's not even the guys it's just my confidence is at an all time low right now. Going to work on that a bit and read your dating stories and maybe that'll give me a boost to getting back into it. Like one of you said, once you start going on dates it's not so bad - maybe repetitive if anything - it's just the getting out there and doing it.

@RunsforCake14 that did make me laugh about the photos....maybe everyone is just so overwhelmed by how amazing you look they just don't know what to do. hehe. How do you know about 10+ people liking you? Do you have to pay for that feature?

gettings I don't think there's a blueprint for how it should work. I would say a few things (I date men around that age usually)

1. he's being honest with you and I think that's good
2. it is very very very difficult this phase - I always find it the worst bit because you want to be exclusive but it's actually too early. You have to try and keep your cool and keep doing the dating thing with him. LIke you have said, talk to other people on OLD to keep your feet grounded.
3. I do that subtle pushing away. Try to stop doing it ;). I know how hard it is to stop but honestly, it's a silly little thing and I totally get why you do it but it may well confuse him.
4. Lastly, and this is a biggy for me, i like to speak to someone every day. I know that's how i like my relationships to work. And if someone did not want to do that too, I am not sure I could have a relationship with them. Communication is absolutely massive for me. My last boyfriend didn't usually do it but did it with me as he knew I liked it and I really appreciated that but I think if it's key for you, you need to address it.

Daffo, you're brill for writing all that down, thank you. It's tricky, isn't it, to walk the middle ground between being nonchalant at the start and not appearing overly so. And thank you for telling me that you do the pushing away thing too; that makes me feel better.

He's going to be on another continent. Is it too early to ask for a bit more contact? He's told me he sees I must be surrounded by other interested men (his words, he's French, remember ) and I think I come across as fairly low key about relationships (which isn't true, really).

I just want to give this a fair chance without expecting too much, if that makes sense.

If a man really likes you, he'll chase you

Really? I’d hate to be that needy myself!

meow on Tinder, if you go to your matches (or lack of them, in my case) it says 10+ (or 25+ or 99+) people have liked you.
If you pay for Tinder gold you can see who they all are. I've done this before and discovered that most of them were either in their 30's or miles and miles away.

Kinunir, thank you for that. We are in agreement then.

gettings I think a lot of us do that 'pushing away' thing.
For me it's a reaction to being treated badly in the past, so I don't want to get hurt again. But it doesn't help either of you.

If you'd like more communication, then ask him. Tell him you like getting phone calls/messages from him even if it's just a quick 'hi, how are you?'

Personally I don't like constant messaging. I'd rather save it for when I meet them.

Thank you RunsforCake. Yes, it's a protection mechanism developed from being treated badly in the past too. You're right; it's better to curb it.

I'm not one for frequent messaging. One a day, most days, keeps me happy for the most part.

gettings I think it sounds like to me that he wants to be more communicative with you but he's holding back so I would definitely mention the more communication thing.

I don't do it when I'm dating. In fact, I message very very little when I'm dating (usually) because I don't like to build up big connections with people then meet them and find out it's all useless . But once I go out with someone, I do like having massively open lines of communication.

gettings it's very hard not to do. I still do it a lot of the time. It's pushing them away to see if they come back - little pushes :). If I start feeling like i want to do it, I do sometimes tell people.

Meow this is where bumble messaging is really good. No last seen, or last online and you can't see when the messages were read. It is brilliant if you are someone who gets caught up like this with messaing/checking!

Again, Daffo, thank you! Your comments have really helped me.

I don't think I'm overly needy; I like my own space and I respect others' need for it. I am aware that I read silence, often, in a negative manner, however. My eldest daughter's father disappeared one day, 20 years ago without giving me any explanation; we never saw him again. I think this could be a reason for it. I can get a panicky, almost indignant, reaction to a lack of communication sometimes which is mostly unjustified. I don't tend to express it though. Except by pushing away from time to time which isn't good. Strangely though, most men stick around despite this irritating side of me and I'm grateful to them for it.

I think a lot of us do that 'pushing away' thing.

I don't so much push away as build walls filled with archers, moats full of crocodiles, ditches full of spikes and castles with pots of boiling oil, ready to be poured from the ramparts