Husband is planning an affair

[shitsabouttogetserious]

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my husband was chatting through fb messenger to an ex of his from his teenage years. It was pretty innocuous stuff mostly although he was a bit too complimentary/creepy for my liking so I decided to keep an eye on it. I didn't say anything to him cos I didn't want to alert him that I had access to his messages. Last weekend she called him out on his intentions with her and he was all like "I have responsibilities I can't just walk away from" and she was all "fair enough, let's just leave it at that then and stop talking before things go any further". At this point I'm thinking, ok, he's pushed his luck but when push came to shove he couldn't take it further, no harm done, right? But then he messaged her back and said if she ever changed her mind and wanted to meet up and "test the spark" to let him know 😳 the fucker just basically asked for a no strings affair right? She didn't reply to this and he then deleted the whole convo (just as well I have screenshots then😁) things were quiet for a few days and I tried to forget it all happened but it all ramped up again over last 2 days when she initiated a friendly conversation again which then took a turn yesterday towards the "what are we doing here?" He has now suggested a weekend get together so they can "get to know each other" again! She lives far away from us. They haven't made any concrete plans/ dates yet.

So basically as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over! Tbh, I've been unhappy for a while but didn't feel I could "justify" ending the marriage without a "good" reason 😞 we have 3 dc together and the youngest is only 9 months old.

I'm thinking of holding out to see what arrangements they make and having his bags packed for him when he returns from get together. But its really hard pretending everything is fine in the meantime. This will be ended one way or another, there is no doubt about that but dying to work out in my head the best way to deal with it all.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.

Give money back so he can't get at it.

Would you do better in divorce if it's on grounds of adultery rather than unreasonable behaviour? If so do everything you can to facilitate his cheat meet and get evidence.

Those who are critising op for 'checking out if marriage' , a. Has she been approaching ex bfs on FB angling for a fuck? No. And b. Her instincts were shouting at her and they were correct.

Also get any other ducks in row to do the best you can in the separation and divorce. Discretion is to your benefit vastly here

OP - you seem resilient enough to know this anyway, but I'm posting this as an offset to whollyfather: don't let him put you on the defensive. He is gaslighting.

Checking FB messages has clearly proven itself out to be a proportionate response to what your husband has been doing.

Preserving assets that you might need to care for your DC in the eventuality of a separation is wholly justified.

And if your husband ends up with OW after having messaged multiple ex-girlfriends, that will be entirely down to him and to her.

I have to agree with some PPs. This is not a bolt out of the blue. Your marriage has been dead for quite some time now.

Divorce and reach an amicable agreement for the sake of your children.

merville...'grounds' make no difference in a divorce settlement anymore

so finances are not determined by cheating/unreasonable behaviour etc

Ugh how awful, poor you OP! Get rid of him, you can do so much better.

OP the law is actually different in Scotland re inheritances. I think it is protected. Well as far as I'm aware. My husband inherited quite a lot of money a few years ago (I don't know how much) and he kept telling me that the law in Scotland meant I had no rights to it if we split up (just for clarity, I really wasn't after getting my hands on any of his money 🙄). He spent it growing his business.

His intent and actions to date could be considered as unreasonable behaviour and grounds for a divorce.

Do you think, it is in the interests of your children to have a full out antagonistic separation and divorce on the basis of an adultery

No adultery has taken place. Even if he goes away with her...he could deny he'd slept with her.

Unless he admits it or you have proof they had sexual intercourse...it's not adultery. A blow job is not adultery.

If so, get copies of the messages and post them publicly on his FB page to show everyone he knows what he is like.

This is her life...not a joke or a soap opera. They have children together and silly advice like that doesn't benefit anyone.

It's childish and immature. Their marital problems are private and not for all and sundry to be privvy to.

This sounds like a very similar post from last week. It was the OW posting, wondering whether to meet a man, who was attached, to see if there was a spark!

Yeah I definitely would not be posting the ins and outs of our marital breakdown all over fb. I also have no intention of becoming some shrieking ex wife who bad mouths dh to the kids. I will happily play this out civilly if he will. I just might need to use his indiscretions to get him to act civilly.

Loveyoutothemoon- oooh I might have to go looking for thAt

SandyY2k
Sorry I was not clear. My post was trying to say that OP has it in her power (unfairly and unreasonably because of his behaviours) not to let it become such, and even though that is harder in the short term that would be my advice.

Theredjellybean

I struggle to see how you could have misconstrued my post to read that but perhaps that is me. For the avoidance of doubt in no way am I saying the OP has any blame here. We all need to be accountable for our own actions.

It would be so satisfying to send him a text while he is away with the OW. "I hope you and OW 's name are enjoying your weekend. Don't bother coming home."

I like this! If you know roughly where she lives look up on google how long it will take him to get there once he leaves, then give him 2-3 hours to make sure he's with her and can't just turn the car around and come straight back home when he gets the text. Aim for post-coital panic

I was exactly the same s you op, my senses tingled and I found out he’d been talking to someone. We’d been unhappy for a wholemeal so I just needed firm evidence that he’d been cheating to end it with my head held high and I had the moral high ground. It took me two weeks of snooping but I eventually had what I needed. I completely understand why you need to see this through, as at the moment he could brush it under the carpet as something he had no intention of acting upon. If they meet then you have your evidence to walk away

Wholemeal a while

Theredjellybean

Pity, sometimes I think no fault divorce is v unfair on the party cheated on, abused etc. But I suppose the courts do not have the time to listen to and try to prove fault.

@merville.. I suppose if the made adultery a fault what would the criteria be? A kiss? A text? A ons?
Plus imagine the court cases...

'he slept with another woman'
'well she refused any intimacy for yrs...'

Or in my case... 'my husband is gay and would rather stay married than face that.. I didn't want our children to have to have two homes but I missed a sex life'

So while I from bitter experience will never condone affairs I don't think it is always black and white and the courts cannot be expected to decide on every case individually. Our law is not a moral law.. It doesn't sit in moral judgment over what two consenting adults do within lawful parameters.

Plus if we had fault finding divorces the court would have to put a financial value on certain behaviours... So is having an affair going to cost you more than emotional abuse? What about mitigation as described above? Would that knock the value down?
Would a long term affair cost the defendent more than a ons?

It's impossible to ask a legal austen to do this and frankly I don't want to live in a state that thinks it could.

Not austen... System

I got a message out of the blue from an ex of over 20 years ago on FB. They make it so obvious, don't they? I stopped replying and unfriended him when it headed even near a chat about meeting up.

Wanker.

Here's what I;d do:
Give the cash back to your dad.

Let him arrange the weekend, and text him the screenshots of their conversation when he's just arrived at their tryst venue. With a final text that you've dropped his stuff at his mums and giving him the contact information of your solicitor for further details and details of a contact email address for discussion of access to the children.

That should douse his ardour with a metaphorical bucket of water for the weekend. And move on with your life and be fabulous.

What makes you think that the OW is having second thoughts OP?

Regardless, the intention was there on his side. It's an emotional affair that he wants to turn physical. Her willingness almost doesn't matter.

Poor foolish OW - it sounds as if she may have been his second or third choice given that he's messaged multiple exes! If she meets him she's in for a rough time. Not your problem though.

If he’s going to do it I’d wait until he leaves, then pack up his stuff and send it round to his mates/mum’s. 15 minutes before he’s due to meet her just send a text saying, “I hope you have a lovely evening with OW. I’ve dropped your stuff off at your mum’s. Don’t bother coming back”.

MiggeldyHiggins has just written it better than I ever could!