Husband is planning an affair

[shitsabouttogetserious]

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my husband was chatting through fb messenger to an ex of his from his teenage years. It was pretty innocuous stuff mostly although he was a bit too complimentary/creepy for my liking so I decided to keep an eye on it. I didn't say anything to him cos I didn't want to alert him that I had access to his messages. Last weekend she called him out on his intentions with her and he was all like "I have responsibilities I can't just walk away from" and she was all "fair enough, let's just leave it at that then and stop talking before things go any further". At this point I'm thinking, ok, he's pushed his luck but when push came to shove he couldn't take it further, no harm done, right? But then he messaged her back and said if she ever changed her mind and wanted to meet up and "test the spark" to let him know 😳 the fucker just basically asked for a no strings affair right? She didn't reply to this and he then deleted the whole convo (just as well I have screenshots then😁) things were quiet for a few days and I tried to forget it all happened but it all ramped up again over last 2 days when she initiated a friendly conversation again which then took a turn yesterday towards the "what are we doing here?" He has now suggested a weekend get together so they can "get to know each other" again! She lives far away from us. They haven't made any concrete plans/ dates yet.

So basically as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over! Tbh, I've been unhappy for a while but didn't feel I could "justify" ending the marriage without a "good" reason 😞 we have 3 dc together and the youngest is only 9 months old.

I'm thinking of holding out to see what arrangements they make and having his bags packed for him when he returns from get together. But its really hard pretending everything is fine in the meantime. This will be ended one way or another, there is no doubt about that but dying to work out in my head the best way to deal with it all.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.

Love that idea, you could start track my location on his phone so you can text him as soon as he arrives at the venue

OW has backed out of meet up. She was all up for it yesterday but today has clearly had second thoughts.

She messaged him today and said that on second thoughts maybe it would be best not to meet up after all. He isn't really offering her anything other than a weekend of no strings fun and that's not enough for her. Only he really benefits from that.

...unless she's on Mumsnet and has read this, of course...

If she has, good. It'll give her chance to back out from getting involved with such a low life

Maybe she's a mnetter as abbey says... Or maybe she just got cold feet.

Either way, he's skating on thin ice

Haven’t got all the way through the thread yet so someone else may have said this but inheritance is not viewed as family money in a divorce. You would not have to split it. Sorry you’re going through the OP

*this

Even if she has backed out, the intent is there on his part. You have evidence of that and him essentially pestering her for sex. If you want to end things, use what you have. You'll only end up driving yourself crazy looking for other ways to "catch him out" when what he has done is already bad enough.

She's playing him for what she wants, which is not to be the OW. Which is perfectly fair enough from her really; good on her for standing firm about not wanting to be the puppet on his string. She might want to walk away from the whole sorry mess now tbh, but everyone knows that's hard when you sense you could have a good thing with someone... Seems though that she has enough about her to to realise that if he's willing to cheat he might not be such a "good thing" after all.

And what about you OP? Where does this leave you on leaving this unhappy marriage?

It’s a difficult situation now, if you confront him and ask him to leave, chances are he’ll say he had no intention of going ahead with the meet up, and it was just an ego boost. You’ll forever wonder if that’s the case and he can play the victim card and say you’ve broken the relationship. If you say nothing you’ll spend your entire life checking up on him (believe me, I know).

If you believe that the relationship is broken anyway and you’ve not been happy then you need to think long and hard about what you want. Do you really want to be with a man who constantly pesters his ex’s for sex? It’s not like he’s a good man who you e simply fallen out of love with

To be honest I would have already packed his bags and booted him out. What are you waiting for? You know he wants to cheat. Surely, that's reason enough to end the relationship? Sorry you are going through this, especially with such little ones.

Yeah I'm still going to go ahead with ending things. Think I'm going to do it on Wednesday on his return from work. Have a suitcase packed for him and just do it.

OP - just do bin liners. Don't bother with a case. He's treating you like rubbish!

Good luck op - you are doing the right thing. I'd personally say he's got a 'taste' for it now so if this woman has backed out then there's bound to be another in the future. The messaging alone would also end it for me.

What a stupid twat.

This is ideal in some ways. You sound very measured and cool.
Get all the money/ house/ paperwork stuff in order. Pack his bags for him, put all his other things in a storage unit and have the locks changed for when he arrives back.
Give no explanation.
That's what I'd do.

unfortunately he is entitled to stay in the house, he may refuse to leave

Mix that is my biggest worry actually. I think if I was splitting up for any other reason he would refuse to leave but I'm hoping he'll be so shamed and guilt ridden that he'll just go

sayehello is not quite right. In English (not Scottish) divorce law inheritances are usually included as the needs of chilren come first and usually the money is needed to house them. Sometimes exceptionally you can keep them out but not usually.

Just spend the money between now and when it all starts getting legal.

Sorry he's such an arse.

U are acting fabulously. I don't think I could be as dignified.

OP have you got screen shots of all the messages?

What was his reaction about OW changing her mind? And have you got a screen shot of it? I'm thinking if it's all "Oh pleeease, it'll be great, come on you know you want to!" then that's further justification for you chucking him out.

However, something along the lines of "Yes, I was thinking the same thing," less so & he might, in a twisted way, try & use it to prove his worth .

Hope his reaction was very clear cut & unambiguous. And for the record, you are justified no matter what his reaction to the cancellation of plans was, obviously!

I'd be tempeted to sit on it & see if he wins her round, or managed to pursuade anyone else to take the bait in the near future. He seems hell bent on it happening with anyone.

Don't suppose you've looked for him on any of those dating aps have you?

He took it ok when she backed out. He didn't plead but just said he understood and if she changed her mind he'd be there.

Last night she messaged again though and she's up for it again. Apparently he's going to be having a "works night out" next month that involves an overnight now 🙄

All their talk last night was all "no expectations, just talk and get to know each other" but let's face it, he's hoping to get into her pants! And it's even worse kinda that he's lying and risking everything for something that doesn't even include a definite shag!

And yeah I have screenshots 😁

I haven't looked for him on dating apps but I have checked his internet history. He's not savvy enough about computers to think about deleting his history or anything like that. No sign of any dating websites etc. Though I think that would be his next port of call if this doesn't work out.