Husband is planning an affair

[shitsabouttogetserious]

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my husband was chatting through fb messenger to an ex of his from his teenage years. It was pretty innocuous stuff mostly although he was a bit too complimentary/creepy for my liking so I decided to keep an eye on it. I didn't say anything to him cos I didn't want to alert him that I had access to his messages. Last weekend she called him out on his intentions with her and he was all like "I have responsibilities I can't just walk away from" and she was all "fair enough, let's just leave it at that then and stop talking before things go any further". At this point I'm thinking, ok, he's pushed his luck but when push came to shove he couldn't take it further, no harm done, right? But then he messaged her back and said if she ever changed her mind and wanted to meet up and "test the spark" to let him know 😳 the fucker just basically asked for a no strings affair right? She didn't reply to this and he then deleted the whole convo (just as well I have screenshots then😁) things were quiet for a few days and I tried to forget it all happened but it all ramped up again over last 2 days when she initiated a friendly conversation again which then took a turn yesterday towards the "what are we doing here?" He has now suggested a weekend get together so they can "get to know each other" again! She lives far away from us. They haven't made any concrete plans/ dates yet.

So basically as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over! Tbh, I've been unhappy for a while but didn't feel I could "justify" ending the marriage without a "good" reason 😞 we have 3 dc together and the youngest is only 9 months old.

I'm thinking of holding out to see what arrangements they make and having his bags packed for him when he returns from get together. But its really hard pretending everything is fine in the meantime. This will be ended one way or another, there is no doubt about that but dying to work out in my head the best way to deal with it all.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.

Give the inheritance back to you’re parents as it’s forms part of the marital pot and he will have equal claim to it. Kids account will also be accessible to him.

Seriously, in 2018?

Wow - you sound remarkably together, OP. It's definitely a get out of jail free card - the perfect reason to get out of a marriage you aren't really happy in.

Once the dust has settled & the divorce is sorted, I think it'll feel like the best thing he ever did for you.

Another one here who would let him go through with it. Love the suggestion of texting him while he's away to tell him you hope they're having a lovely weekend!

Alo shitsabouttogetserious - leavng a bag for him at his mum's, although I think you mentioned offering to keep quiet about. I wouldn't - I'd want his parents to know & get them on board, but each to their own.

I reckon once the dust has settled, & divorce has been finalised, you'll feel like he's done you a massive favour!

Good louck with it all, OP. Hope he doesn't get his mitts on a penny of your inheritance!

Give the money to your parents.

Don't tell him until you're ready to end it. He'll change his passwords, etc.

And you wouldn't be back where you are now in a year if you decided to give him another chance ... he'd have locked down his accounts or set up accounts you don't know about by then ... he'd likely be up to his old tricks only you wouldn't be able to prove it so easily.

Sorry, OP. He is a cliche. Imagine, actively jeopardising your babies' futures because you can't help actively looking to put your dick in other women. Scum. His family deserves to know what he's like and why they won't have such easy access to your children any more, especially so they don't blame you and say things to the children about you when they do get the chance.

You've got this OP, text him, and drop off his bags.
He will be the biggest loser. For you 💐

In England the inheritance is very likely to be a marital asset you will have to declare and split with him particularly if there is not enough money otherwise so that you both have a home for when you have children with you., If you have not had the money yet it might be wise tax planning to put it in trust for the chldren with your parents as trustees for example and then genuinely only use it for the children eg their university costs or their housing when they are grown up.

People are talking shit about the inheritance.

I'm a family solicitor.

Don't try to hide it. That makes you look dodgy. It's a non matrimonial asset, available to meet your needs but not in the pot for sharing. Frankly, it'll be spent if you go to court. Get proper legal advice but fgs leave it where it is and don't lie about it.

shitsabout, I'm not sure about changing locks though... get advice on that if you were planning it before he gets home.

I would hope that when he realises, he would be so shamed and shocked that he would willingly agree to staying away from the marital home and agree that you can change the locks.

What an idiot.

Mrsbertbibby- thanks for the advice. does it make a difference that the money wasn't directly willed to me by the deceased? Basically, my gran died last year and my dad inherited a third of her estate. He then gifted the £6k to me out of his share.

Sorry your OH is behaving in this way, OP. You don't deserve this. I am no expert but I think a divorce on the grounds of adultery needs proof, or the OH to admit to it, or something? You totally have the upper hand and if you can bear to see it play out, I would definitely hang on in there for now. If you know the dates of when they're meeting, and where, could you pay for a private detective to get some evidence or something? Sorry if this sounds like fiction but it's the first thing that came to mind. Good luck x

He obviously feels your marriage is over as much as you do.
But there is no proof he would go through with the sex, he might finally find her unattractive or back down for whatever reason.
I personally would confront him now, saying clearly we both feel the same, better to split amicably for the DC if possible ?

Gifts and inheritance, especially that are received late in the marriage, and not "mingled" or treated as family property, are non matrimonial property. Not ignored, not irrelevant, and absolutely discloseable, but treated differently to, say, savings accumulated from income during the marriage.

It's a thought crime at the moment. He's not actually done anything. He not gone far enough yet. The OPs original plan is right. He might see sense a the last moment.

Is Scottish law the same in these matters?

Ow may be having second thoughts 🙄 watch this space.

Does anyone know anyone who's actually gone through with separation because of an emotional affair or a thought crime?

You know for sure that he would have an affair given the opportunity, but has done nothing yet. It might be worth thinking about how this will be presented to your children in future years if you end it now on the basis of his texts. One of the reasons I gathered as much hard evidence as I could rather than kicking my ex out immediately is because I knew he would want to present himself as the injured party to our DS and make me out to be a paranoid fantasist who’d destroyed our family with no good reason. This in fact was exactly what he tried to do a few years down the line - until I reminded him of all the evidence that I had acquired. Your children are very young now and will probably not ask difficult questions about why you are splitting. But fast forward to the teenage years and you may find that they will question it more and if you have cast iron reasons it makes it far easier to deal with ( obviously you would never want to show your kids the evidence but the fact your STB ex knows you have it should prevent him from rewriting history/ minimising his actions).

Ask your parents to look after the money for you.

I always thought inheritances were treated as marital assets, but lottery wins were't
it would be worth checking that...xenia up thread said they where assets and i think she is a barrister ???

I think OP that you have two choices here:

1. you actually want to stay with him/stay married /feel you could work in it ..then confront him now, he may see that as a massive wake up call, see what he was risking, have an epiphany..etc and be hugely remoresful etc. and you may be able to work through it and the marriage work.

1. you don't want to work on the marriage irrespective of the affair ( which is completely ok too...some marriages do run their course and getting the spark back is just not possible because it has well and truely gone out yrs ago) in which case his muppetry is giving you the perfect excuse to end things.

i'd let him go on the weekend, and then quietly on his return hand over packed bags and tell him you'd like him to leave now as he has been unfaithful, in a pre-medidated way, and clearly you are both unhappy together and it is time to call an end to it. Id be calm and collected and say it can be done nicely and you will keep quiet about the affair but there is definitely no going back

I don't understand why you are waiting to see if he goes through with it. Whether he goes through with it or not, the intention is there. That is enough to end the marriage. I would get legal advice, move your inheritance and then give him his marching orders.

OP I am sorry for what you are going through. Please take proper legal advice if you want to end your marriage.

Does anyone know anyone who's actually gone through with separation because of an emotional affair or a thought crime?

I do! It's definitely not a thought crime in this case - it's not like he was just imagining having an affair in his head with no intention of actually doing it. It sounds like whether he does it or not is dependent on the other woman being amenable - his intention is there.

I would definitely take proper legal advice if you do plan to end it. In your shoes I think I'd end it. If you don't please don't just carry on as before you need proper marriage counselling to repair whatever's gone wrong between you.

its not an inheritance, its a gift from OP's Dad.