Husband is planning an affair

[shitsabouttogetserious]

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my husband was chatting through fb messenger to an ex of his from his teenage years. It was pretty innocuous stuff mostly although he was a bit too complimentary/creepy for my liking so I decided to keep an eye on it. I didn't say anything to him cos I didn't want to alert him that I had access to his messages. Last weekend she called him out on his intentions with her and he was all like "I have responsibilities I can't just walk away from" and she was all "fair enough, let's just leave it at that then and stop talking before things go any further". At this point I'm thinking, ok, he's pushed his luck but when push came to shove he couldn't take it further, no harm done, right? But then he messaged her back and said if she ever changed her mind and wanted to meet up and "test the spark" to let him know 😳 the fucker just basically asked for a no strings affair right? She didn't reply to this and he then deleted the whole convo (just as well I have screenshots then😁) things were quiet for a few days and I tried to forget it all happened but it all ramped up again over last 2 days when she initiated a friendly conversation again which then took a turn yesterday towards the "what are we doing here?" He has now suggested a weekend get together so they can "get to know each other" again! She lives far away from us. They haven't made any concrete plans/ dates yet.

So basically as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over! Tbh, I've been unhappy for a while but didn't feel I could "justify" ending the marriage without a "good" reason 😞 we have 3 dc together and the youngest is only 9 months old.

I'm thinking of holding out to see what arrangements they make and having his bags packed for him when he returns from get together. But its really hard pretending everything is fine in the meantime. This will be ended one way or another, there is no doubt about that but dying to work out in my head the best way to deal with it all.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.

Use this time to plan
Then if he goes pack his stuff and drop it off at someone's house
Tell them what he did
Then serve him with divorce papers!

Ah well if it is a gift from Dad I would give it back to him for a while, though it you must of thought something 'off' to not tell him about it in the first place.

I know you want some proof to justify (to others) divorcing, but it is perfectly ok for you to call time just because you want to

Bathsheba1878 this is exactly what he will do down the line. He's a textbook blamer, nothing ever his fault etc and I don't want him turning this round on me. I'm not perfect, I can be a pain in the arse to live with at times. I suspect he's just not very happy too but also doesn't have the balls to leave me, but ffs, starting an affair is soooo tacky.

And I'll admit, I want the moral high ground.

Did you and your dad do a deed of variation, or did he just give you £6k?

If he just gave you £6k, give it back.

(For now.)

OP - there is nothing wrong with that....i cowardly waited many yrs until my dexh uttered the immortal words ' i have met someone else and he is a he....'

i cried tears of relief.....i had also met someone else and the situation was complicated to say the least but i had never been unhappy enough to end it , so can completely understand

OP I am sorry to say I think you are going down a path that might feel easier but will in the long term be harder, and I think one that will come back to bite you in future years...

You have said you have wanted to end this for some time, I would imagine it is likely your husband has also picked up on this and is either feeling the same, or at the very least responding to it. Note, this is not in any way trying to justify his behaviour, and he needs to own and be responsible for what he has done, but so, OP do you..

Do you think, it is in the interests of your children to have a full out antagonistic separation and divorce on the basis of an adultery you pulled out into the open air, which you allowed to happen on the premise that you had been looking for an out? Is that what you want, is that what you think will work for the children, and for you... You will have years of co-parenting ahead, and you will need to own your share of additional bitterness and hardship that comes from how things unfold.

That is not to say that doing it the right way will guarantee a good outcome, but it is more likely to, and almost as importantly you will have done the right thing. If you want the relationship to end, take the harder path and end it. It will be better for all in the long run. Don't take an active part in making this worse...

(And FWIW I almost did what you are proposing. My W and I had not been getting on, nearly all my fault, and someone had started chatting to her, and I knew about it and did nothing on the premise it would give me an out. In the end I had all the proof I needed, and decided not to to do anything with it in the end, because I felt it was as much my fault, I did not want to destroy our past and whatever future we might have, and we were able to separate broadly amicably and our relationship and the kids relationships are all the better for it... I do regret not doing anything earlier though, she was in a bad low place and someone took advantage of her, and that was my fault I helped drive her to it...)

I would hold my cards close to my chest for now even thou it's tempting to tell him you know. Sort out finances and advice where you stand legally. THEN try to keep him on side with amicable split so that he's more reasonable about finances etc. If he then doesn't agree etc then play your trump card. That's what I'd do. I don't like playing games but unfortunately if you're not smart about this you potentially have a lot to lose. He's obviously the type of person who worries about what others think so you can use that to yr advantage. You won't be the first to discover a fb affair and you won't be the last. It's very common these days sadly. People always look back on what they think they've missed out on only to find they were right the first time. Good luck OP

Whatever happens GET ADVICE ON THAT MONEY. Ask what you’d need to do to make sure he can’t get his hands on it, OW or no OW.

The Op's father can "take back" the money. My friends DM (a widow) died when she and her H had been seperated, but not divorced, and her inheritance was taken into account when the financial arrangements were being made.
The money was not directly willed to the OP, but I can see no reason why her father cannot demand it back, after all he doesn't want his cheating Son in law to get his hands on it.

Charlie...the Op DID NOT ALLOW THIS AFFAIR TO HAPPEN
how dare you insinuate she is at fault for her DH's hooking up with another women..what is this the 1950's when women should make sure THEY DO EVERYTHING to make sure their man is happy, and loved and paid attention to becuase if they dont he has every right to seek it elsewhere....i am fuming someone can come on and post such sexist out dated tripe in 2018

I can'r remember from above if the person has died already from whom the inheritance came. You can vary a will after someone is dead Milliband family did it. Princess Diana's estate did it. My father did it. It is only if all the beneficiaries agree and it is unlikely that you can do it after the money has been handed out. It is possible to give money on trust for children within a marriage although some divorce settlements have undone trusts for children even back 10 years in one case.

You need to get legal advice now. Also definitely worth waiting for him to cheat for the reasons you mentioned and also because it will help you get a divorce more quickly if you are not quibbling over what constitutes unreasonable behavior.

Ow may be having second thoughts 🙄 watch this space

Maybe she is a Mumsnetter?
Please make screenshots of their conversation so that you have proof.

Give the money back to your dad, & refuse to accept this gift (for the moment).

Intent to have an affair is as bad as actually doing it, IMO. It certainly counts as unreasonable behaviour.
He has already checked out of the marriage, make your own plans for the future. Chances are he will still be looking around for another victim on FB.

I think you have everything together perfectly. Just my two cents: the OW doesn't have to owe you anything or have made vows to you to be a decent human being, which she is evidently isn't, she is just as bad but you're right in concentrating your attention on you DH

If the ow is having second thoughts, now is the time to act as he'll have nowhere to go if she doesn't want him either. Then he's really fucked up.

Guessing you have access to his FB and that's where the messages are? If so, get copies of the messages and post them publicly on his FB page to show everyone he knows what he is like. He then can't blame anyone else and even if he does, no one will believe him. Change the FB password too if you do that so he can't remove it.

And then dump his stuff outside, don't bother packing it, he's not worth the effort and tell him where his crap is.

I suppose, essentially, I've now lost all trust in the relationship, whether this particular affair goes ahead or not. He's been messaging all of his ex girlfriends through fb, initially all friendly and innocently how r u these days etc, but at some point he takes it to a comment about "what could have been". Most exes have been sensible to recognise this as the right point to stop conversing with him. But this one took the bait and got sucked in. He's been "shopping around" for an opportunity so the only thing that's keeping him faithful right now is lack of a wiling partner.

You've been spying on his FB messages, and have hidden a £6k gift from him? Anything else? Who checked out of this marriage first?

The gift money is a marital asset and will have to be disclosed. I can imagine the howls that would be directed on here at a man who said he had hidden money from his wife.

And if you end it without telling him why, it won't take the wind out of his sales, as a pp suggested. He already has another woman who wants him.

He already has another woman who wants him

Oh? Are you the potential OW, WhollyFather?

Wholly father - I only started spying on him because my spidey senses were tingling. Looks like I was right no? And the money came in during all this so I decided to wait and see what happened

@whollyfather, disagree, if a man said his wife was planning an affair and he had the screenshots to prove it, mners would be tripping over themselves to prove that the advice they give was gender neutral.

Whollyfather conveniently forgetting that the men who get lambasted for hiding money on here are also the men that were the ones who were behaving badly in their marriages (cheating, abuse, etc). Not those in the position that the OP is now in.

I left mine. Forgave him the first time,, stupidly. Then like you say, he licked my arse for a while and put on a good front before slowly slipping back into being worse than ever and then I left him.
Been in my own house now for 8 months and bloody love it! No drama, no shite to deal with of anyone else. Best feeling in the world.

I would also watch and let him got for the meet up, then as you say have his bags packed.