Husband is planning an affair

[shitsabouttogetserious]

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my husband was chatting through fb messenger to an ex of his from his teenage years. It was pretty innocuous stuff mostly although he was a bit too complimentary/creepy for my liking so I decided to keep an eye on it. I didn't say anything to him cos I didn't want to alert him that I had access to his messages. Last weekend she called him out on his intentions with her and he was all like "I have responsibilities I can't just walk away from" and she was all "fair enough, let's just leave it at that then and stop talking before things go any further". At this point I'm thinking, ok, he's pushed his luck but when push came to shove he couldn't take it further, no harm done, right? But then he messaged her back and said if she ever changed her mind and wanted to meet up and "test the spark" to let him know 😳 the fucker just basically asked for a no strings affair right? She didn't reply to this and he then deleted the whole convo (just as well I have screenshots then😁) things were quiet for a few days and I tried to forget it all happened but it all ramped up again over last 2 days when she initiated a friendly conversation again which then took a turn yesterday towards the "what are we doing here?" He has now suggested a weekend get together so they can "get to know each other" again! She lives far away from us. They haven't made any concrete plans/ dates yet.

So basically as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over! Tbh, I've been unhappy for a while but didn't feel I could "justify" ending the marriage without a "good" reason 😞 we have 3 dc together and the youngest is only 9 months old.

I'm thinking of holding out to see what arrangements they make and having his bags packed for him when he returns from get together. But its really hard pretending everything is fine in the meantime. This will be ended one way or another, there is no doubt about that but dying to work out in my head the best way to deal with it all.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.

Best of luck, must be very difficult for you

Good luck with the lawyer op. I wouldn't take him back either. Anyone who can just be so deceitful means they can lie about anything. He's only sorry that he's been caught. Stay strong. You are doing so well.

Glad you're taking your time and professional advice lass.

Really good to see your positive frame of mind in your update op.
You'll have low days but you're strong, you've got this.

Don't be pushed around by outside pressures OP. Take as long as you want to make this massive decision.

You're doing so well op xxx

Sending you . You have kept your dignity and hope that you don't get pressured to make any decisions too quickly.

Hope the meeting went well today OP.

I would be getting legal advice and then taking at least a couple of months to take stock of what I wanted based on that. If he doesn’t like that he can make his own decisions on what to do can’t he.
I think if you rush into him moving home because everyone tells you you should work at your marriage etc etc within no time at all he will be back to his normal behaviour, the moment will have passed and you will find yourself unhappy as before or more so knowing as you had done something about it and then backed down.
If he is going to truly come good then he needs a lot more time out in the cold and should be prepared to wait for your decision for as long as it takes.
I know all this is easier said than done but if you can get through this bit then you will be able to make better long term decisions for you and your children

Thinking about you shitsabout hope you're OK.

Hope u are ok op

Thanks for thinking of me folks.

The saga continues. He's still out of the marital home. I've been keeping him at arms length but letting him see the kids as and when. Today it started to sink in for him that this might really really be over. Up till today he's been begging and pleading for forgiveness and being extra nice but at the same time pressuring me to say I'll give him a 2nd chance.

Anyway, this eve he moved some more of his stuff out. But also called his parents over to "help" which meant I ended up having to deal with mil pleading and begging too 😩😩

He's not a patient man! But right now his behaviour is just confirming for me that I'm doing the right thing. I actually fully expect that he'll initiate divorce proceedings pretty soon.

Well done Op, you're doing the right thing. Stay strong!

Op you are bloody amazing

I wish I had your strength xxx good luck with everything xxx

Been thinking about you. Hope you're as well as you can be lass

I don't know much about divorce but I think the person who initiates it has more control over proceedings so you might want to get in first if that is what you want.

I agree with Coldc the initiator has more control.

Have you seen a solicitor yet?

Just wanted to say for the sake of balance that reconciliation is just as much a valid option as divorce.
If you are absolutely decided then that's good. Indecision is the hardest part. Especially when your only reason for staying is the guilt tripping of others. That's the worst reason to stay,
However I just wanted to say that marriages can and do recover from broken trust . It's hard hard work for both. The up side is that ime those that do decide to retry the marriage ends up stronger . The realisation of what was nearly lost appears to have been the wake up call to scare the errand party into more positive and active behaviour within the relationship.

Be careful of MN advice. The vast majority of posters in 'relationships' have suffered breakdowns/divorces and tend to project one voice in these situations. If you are happy with your decision that's great. But please don't feel you have 'failed' or ignored adviceif you do decide to repair your marriage.

This is your real life with real people involved. All too easy for the LTB brigade to get carried away.

Thanks font. I appreciate that and I do wonder sometimes if we could be that couple. In truth though, I think the more likely outcome (for me anyway) is that I'd be sticking it out for the sake of financial stability and the kids and I'd probably leave him again once the kids are grown and I could afford to down size by myself.

Despite all this and despite being fairly certain (90%...ish) that I'll be happier in the long run, I still can't bring myself to say that that's it to him and that there's absolutely no chance of reconciliation. So far I've been saying that I feel that way at the moment (ie it's done) and I can't promise/don't know if that'll change but only time will tell. I kind of wanted to see if I would miss him at all as time went on but I actually don't.

That being said, I don't think he and his parents have really given me a chance to miss him at all because everybody's been bugging me so much for answers.

I just want him to keep staying at his parents and give me space until I say otherwise. Is that too much too ask?

No. It's not, in fact it maybe that giving him that clear message - without any promise... ' if you keep bugging me then there is 100% no hope- but give me space and time and RESPECT and there MAY be a different answer... ' might just get you that space.

i think you have done amazingly so far, but, I think your last sentence is a bit dangly...like you say to a child "we'll see...." when you don't want to say no for fear of a scene and all it does is encourage them to pester.

If you aren't sure of your end point right now, then I think a proper separation for 3-6 months and then see how you feel, how he behaves, how it all pans out and review then.

It gives you and everyone else, space to think, and gives him a timescale, knowing that he is not going to be able to wheedle back home at any given moment so he can find somewhere other than his mother's to live

Also gives him chance to see a bit of his future too....work, keeping house (assuming he does't stay in his old room at home) child responsibilities, a nice view into his future if he is not prepared to be a decent husband!

Agree with font here and also that space is not at all unreasonable as a request. There's no need to make any decision quickly and it might be worth saying you will need at least a few months of space to know what you want.

I’ve been a lurker on this post and well done for the strength and dignity you’ve shown throughout what your going through.

I’ve been where you are now, I’m about 3 years further down the line and when my ex cheated it was a deal breaker for me. I left within 4 weeks and set myself up in a small flat to get some space away to think. I contacted solicitors straight away and met with about 4 different ones, picked the one I thought was for me, had every intention of pushing ahead with the divorce, kept telling myself ‘I deserve more respect and deserved better than the way my ex treated me’.

Then I sat down and thought do I really want a divorce? Was I pushing ahead too quickly, am I doing this to be stubborn?

It took me another 3 months to actually sign the divorce papers to be served to my ex. In my heart I knew there was no way back from the lies and deceipt and the way I was discarded.

4 years later and I’m in a much happier place, I have my own home, I have my kids, I’ve met someone new and life is great. I actually think my ex did me a favour in the end, I had a reason to leave a marriage that was totally one sided, emotionally abusive and felt like I was being manipulated all the time. I also got to walk away financially worse off but with my pride and dignity in tact and that is something my ex will never have.

I also spent too much time wishing for the karma bus to catch up with the cheating shitbag. Bit realised that karma isn’t wishing bad things to happen to those that hurt you, it’s about enjoying YOUR life and being happy.

Whatever you do I wish you all the happiness OP.

The main thing is to make a decision based on how you truly feel - not practicalities.
In an earlier post you said you’d not been happy for some time - so it’s worth thinking about- even if this hadn’t happened- would you have left the relationship if you knew you and the kids would be ok?
Bottom line- no one has a right to judge you whether you end things or ask him to come home. But you owe it to your future self to allow space and time to make the choice that feels right for you- not based on someone else’s opinion or because you fear the alternative.
Good luck whatever you decide- you sound a strong and capable woman who can create whatever future you want for yourself