Husband is planning an affair

[shitsabouttogetserious]

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my husband was chatting through fb messenger to an ex of his from his teenage years. It was pretty innocuous stuff mostly although he was a bit too complimentary/creepy for my liking so I decided to keep an eye on it. I didn't say anything to him cos I didn't want to alert him that I had access to his messages. Last weekend she called him out on his intentions with her and he was all like "I have responsibilities I can't just walk away from" and she was all "fair enough, let's just leave it at that then and stop talking before things go any further". At this point I'm thinking, ok, he's pushed his luck but when push came to shove he couldn't take it further, no harm done, right? But then he messaged her back and said if she ever changed her mind and wanted to meet up and "test the spark" to let him know 😳 the fucker just basically asked for a no strings affair right? She didn't reply to this and he then deleted the whole convo (just as well I have screenshots then😁) things were quiet for a few days and I tried to forget it all happened but it all ramped up again over last 2 days when she initiated a friendly conversation again which then took a turn yesterday towards the "what are we doing here?" He has now suggested a weekend get together so they can "get to know each other" again! She lives far away from us. They haven't made any concrete plans/ dates yet.

So basically as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over! Tbh, I've been unhappy for a while but didn't feel I could "justify" ending the marriage without a "good" reason 😞 we have 3 dc together and the youngest is only 9 months old.

I'm thinking of holding out to see what arrangements they make and having his bags packed for him when he returns from get together. But its really hard pretending everything is fine in the meantime. This will be ended one way or another, there is no doubt about that but dying to work out in my head the best way to deal with it all.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.

Good luck op, stay strong. You're amazing

I don't think anyones glorying in it, my cousin in law is a family law barrister & she doesn't get any joy out of seeing people split up.

It's just so refreshing to see a woman actually have the self esteem and confidence to leave.

The people I know in rl whose partners cheat take them back repeatedly and it's galling to see the dh taking the piss out of them.

I hope today went ok Op

Hope it went ok today op

It was brutal folks. Lots of begging and pleading and crying. It's definitely harder to stay resolute when you're faced with the apologies and promises of change and pleading in person 😞

I need to work out properly where I stand financially and what are the chances of me holding on to my current home. I think getting a firmer grip on the finances would help me stay strong.

The begging was always going to happen.
Its like a new year's resolution, lasts for about 3 days.

Oh OP. Well it was always going to happen. You ok? Getting a hold on your finances sounds very sensible. Something positive to actually do.

Yes you do, have you asked him to leave permanently? Please stay strong, don't stay with him because it's easier, it will do more damage in the long run, to you and your children. You'll all get through it, they'll adapt and so will you. I've been there too and you deserve so much better!

I totally expected begging, pleading and crying.

But what was his 'reason' or excuse for his actively trying to put his dick in his ex girlfriend(s) ... or did he gloss over that?

Good luck, OP. It's a terrible position to be in. I do think it's important to remember that you were already unhappy in your marriage, so if you were to let him beg his way back in, what's actually going to change other than (quite possibly false) promises of not looking to cheat on you? Because that wasn't the only problem ... just the one you can hang your hat on now to call it a day without any real comeback.

Oh op you're so right! Get the finances as in order as you can and then stay resolute.
He had the the sheer disrespect to sit opposite you trying to organise a weekend with an ex. What s bastard.

I got the entirely predictable "I was never going to go through with it, it was just the thrill of the chase" 🙄

Coupled with promises to be a better husband, more helpful with the babies, digital detox, more helpful with housework, more thoughtful, more considerate, less lazy etc etc etc.

According to my mil, if I don't give him a 2nd chance and insist on proceeding with separation permanently, my 10yo will end up screwed up. Everyone in his family thinks it's time I gave him a 2nd chance (it's been 3 days) where just yesterday they were disgusted with him.

I do have my own rl support from family and friends so Emotionally and practically I know I could manage, but I can see why people "stay for the kids". It's that fear of change/ the unknown and financial ease.....

Stay resolute Op, you know its the right decision. Don't cave in

His family members would all be singing a different tune if they found out their respective spouses were actively soliciting sex outside of their marriages. I would actually tell them this and then tell them to butt out. Only you get to decide what you want.

Your children will be ok no matter what you decide because they have you.

He can do a lot of those things - especially when it comes to helping out with the kids - without living with you op. Instead of crying at his parents house he could I’d be stepping up right now and proving to you through actions - not words - that he can be better. Also three days is a ridiculously short time to expect you to forgive and forget - the in laws must be getting fed up of him and desperate for you to take him of their hands. Proof again that he is no prize and you have done the right thing. Stay strong, you’ve got this!

The question is , do you still love him? If you love him it may be worth trying to sort things out, but you really don't sound like you do.

Your 10 yr old will end up far more screwed up if you stay with someone you no longer trust and respect just for their 'benefit', I speak with the voice of experience on that front.
If you are able to move on from this and do still love and trust him then perhaps it is possible to repair and rebuild your marriage. It doesn't sound like this is the case from your posts, but I don't know you and right now this is all raw so may not reflect your true opinion of him and your relationship.
I can however say with complete confidence that your children will not benefit from you remaining together if they are the only reason you would consider doing so.

Just want to add that I think you've done an incredible job of staying composed through this so far, I'm sure you are able to make the best decision for you and the children whatever happens.

I wonder if the inlaws would have the same attitude if you'd been the one "flirting" 🤔
As you said earlier, they will ultimately forgive him and they may be the type to rewrite history. Don't waste your time trying to convince him, or them, that you're justified in ending the marriage. He's a liar and a wannabe cheater, and the inlaws don't seem to be much better. Mil's initial reaction was to minimise what he'd done and advise you to forget it? She'll never admit that her son is in the wrong. Sort out the practicalities while he's being somewhat cooperative, he may become belligerent soon.
As for the children? Mummy and daddy made promises and daddy broke his. Good luck.

Completely agree with Blue.

It would be easier to stay with him. But why sell yourself short? Even if you are not in the throes of passionate love you would like to think that they are in your corner. He is anything but.

He was going to cheat on you. He has not been a great husband.

Whstever you do, take your time. Think things through. If you do take him back at least take your time and not rush it. If you do decide to stay with him you have to make peace with the decision - he is a flawed bloke and would go off in an instance if he could get away with it, as long as you accept that fact, you might stand a chance. He has shown you what he is really like, believe him. Take him back if you are minded to but take him back on your terms.

It would screw a child up more to show them that daddy can do what he likes and there will be no consequences
You're doing the right thing
The may be worried they will see their dgc less if you split?
They may be embarrassed by it all

It’s yourchoice OP, but I will say if you do decide to try again, it’s very very hard not to become hyper-vigilant, believe me I know

I can tell you exactly what will happen if you take him back:

For 2 weeks - 3 months, he will be the perfect father and husband. As time goes on, he will slip back to exactly who he was. He won't be focussing on you or the children or the house. In the next 1-3 years he'll start 'flirting' again and within 5 years, he'll be actively looking for sex elsewhere and you will be right where you are now.

It is literally textbook but that doesn't make it any less horrible to go through.
By all means, if you want to, give him a chance but he won't change.
Think about how hard it is to change yourself - it's a million times harder to change someone else.

His parents are sick of him and probably don't want to have to explain to their friends how their perfect child is getting a divorce. It's still frowned upon by the older generation.
If their spouses were planning to cheat, they wouldn't be saying any of this.

Remember, it wasn't just messages. He actually told you that he'd be staying away next month so yes, he would've gone through with it.

I do genuinely hope that I'm wrong and the shock of you kicking him out will make him change.

Can you ever trust him again? For everything you need from a husband... commitment, the work involved ie housework, family shit, cuddles, sitting up with sick child, food shop just because, telling you to go out with friends coz he can see you need a night off, not least faithfulness.
That’s it... trust... only you know.

You MIL is just as repulsive as he is. She is using your 10yo as emotional blackmail to get you to take back her cheating son. Hideous.

If she was really concerned about you and your children's welfare she'd be asking you if there's anything she can do to help you, not trying to force you to give him a 2nd chance. Stay away from her while you process everything.

If his family have had enough of him tell them he needs to arrange somewhere else to live, that's an inevitability anyway.