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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is planning an affair

685 replies

shitsabouttogetserious · 05/08/2018 08:45

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my husband was chatting through fb messenger to an ex of his from his teenage years. It was pretty innocuous stuff mostly although he was a bit too complimentary/creepy for my liking so I decided to keep an eye on it. I didn't say anything to him cos I didn't want to alert him that I had access to his messages. Last weekend she called him out on his intentions with her and he was all like "I have responsibilities I can't just walk away from" and she was all "fair enough, let's just leave it at that then and stop talking before things go any further". At this point I'm thinking, ok, he's pushed his luck but when push came to shove he couldn't take it further, no harm done, right? But then he messaged her back and said if she ever changed her mind and wanted to meet up and "test the spark" to let him know 😳 the fucker just basically asked for a no strings affair right? She didn't reply to this and he then deleted the whole convo (just as well I have screenshots then😁) things were quiet for a few days and I tried to forget it all happened but it all ramped up again over last 2 days when she initiated a friendly conversation again which then took a turn yesterday towards the "what are we doing here?" He has now suggested a weekend get together so they can "get to know each other" again! She lives far away from us. They haven't made any concrete plans/ dates yet.

So basically as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over! Tbh, I've been unhappy for a while but didn't feel I could "justify" ending the marriage without a "good" reason 😞 we have 3 dc together and the youngest is only 9 months old.

I'm thinking of holding out to see what arrangements they make and having his bags packed for him when he returns from get together. But its really hard pretending everything is fine in the meantime. This will be ended one way or another, there is no doubt about that but dying to work out in my head the best way to deal with it all.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 13/08/2018 01:12

He had every intention of going through with it. He just wanted to know he was definetly on a promise with the OW.

The idea of divorce means he would actually have to do some parenting when he has the DC on his own.

That along with the finances/thought of child support are probably a big motivation for the begging.

Joysmum · 13/08/2018 07:18

Isn’t it funny how these men aren’t just guilty of cheating/trying to cheat. When they are caught they suddenly have an epiphany that they were chap husbands in other respects too.

Promises to be more helpful, and a better husband & father etc shows he knows damn well he was woefully lacking enough in other respects too.

Cuttingthegrass · 13/08/2018 08:02

I agree OP that your trust with him has gone.

That he's lying and saying he didn't intended with going through with it yet was trying to get OW to agree what was on the cards. Have you shown MiL the screen shots? She can't deny and reduce the impact of his intentions then.

Good luck

GlitteryFluff · 13/08/2018 08:31

Hope you're doing ok OP.Thanks

StormTreader · 13/08/2018 10:32

What part of "well if you ever change your mind in the future then I'll be there" is a thrilling chase? That just sounds like a sad last-ditch attempt.

adjsavedmylife · 13/08/2018 10:33

joysmum that’s so true!

OP another note just to say you’re being brilliant and hope everything works out for you

Tinkobell · 13/08/2018 14:33

Hope you're ok OP. Can't speak for others, but I won't slate you if he is back home. Clearly a nightmare situation. Just make the best long term decision for yourself moving forward. Best of luck to you lady 💐

13Crows · 14/08/2018 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/08/2018 10:34

13Crows, so you're saying that the OP has 'no sense' then? It's up to OP what she does and I think she's very cognisant of her situation. We're not.

Keep your nasty judgements to yourself. I don't see any advice to OP on this thread. First post here is it? Typed a few pointless words to 'placemark'? Urgh.

13Crows · 14/08/2018 10:41

Actually no it's not my first post. I just hate to see women (and men) put up with this sort of thing.

jelly449 · 14/08/2018 10:47

She hasn't updated since Sunday. Who knows what's happening.

You find a lot with these sort of posts....the op will constantly update within the first few days. It really does help with the shock of things.

But as time goes on, they update less and less. Reality sinks in. They turn to friends and family IRL.

It's easy for any of us to say 'LTB'. We are on the outside. When you are going through it.....it's entirely different.

I had a post about 18 months ago. Everyone told me to leave. I didn't. I don't regret it at all. Though in my case, it wasn't regarding cheating but the gist is still the same. Easier said than done when you are actually living it. When there's dcs involved.

Don't judge the op if she decides to stay. She's been amazing whatever. If she does decide to come back and update, I really hope she doesn't get comments like @13Crows . She doesn't deserve that

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/08/2018 10:50

Fair enough but telling them effectively that they - in your opinion - 'have no sense', isn't very nice, is it? I wouldn't find it supportive, just judgemental. It's absolutely no skin off your nose what OP does.

What you or I or anybody else would do is really irrelevant because nobody other than the OP has the facts, the conversation details, the background, the history. She does.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/08/2018 10:52

That was to 13Crows, not you, jelly449

13Crows · 14/08/2018 11:03

I've watched too many people go through situations like these and it makes me despair. I've left a long term relationship myself with nothing but my young son and our personal effects / clothes etc. When I read posts like this I wish I could just grab them and say "Yes it's hard but you are worth so much more". I don't mean OP has no sense, I shouldn't have put it like that. I just want people to realise they don't have to stay, they can make a better life.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/08/2018 11:38

So have I, 13Crows. We can either offer a bit of solidarity or we can make them feel a bit worse about it all when they're already low.

They already know they can do better - it's the doing that's hard.

Gemini69 · 14/08/2018 12:17

I hope your OK OP Flowers

tinkerbellone · 14/08/2018 16:34

How are you doing OP? xx

NadiaLeon · 14/08/2018 18:37

How hurtful for you OP Flowers
Don't make any rash decisions. Leaving your OH is not something that should be done lightly, rashly, and weirdly as it sounds, it shouldn't be emotional. It should be rational.
Rational thinking is always crowded out by emotional thinking.
You need time to think, and then act.

Be open to all possibilities. Give time time.

best of luck

lightonthewater · 14/08/2018 18:56

Sometimes, I do believe that this sort of situation can be a one off. I know it's an appalling abuse of trust and sounds like there are so many other issues making you unhappy. However, it may be that you can turn things around. I am another one who think you should take time and really think it through. I don't always think it's the weak option to try and rebuild a marriage. Sometimes it is the strong option, and harder.

Whatever you decide, wishing you lots of luck. x

Alfiemoon1 · 14/08/2018 21:16

Hope u are ok op x

Original poster
shitsabouttogetserious · 14/08/2018 22:51

Whoops, hadn't realised there was no many responses since my last update 😳 I havent been getting emails from mumsnet 🤷‍♀️

Dh is still at his parents. I haven't agreed to anything thus far. I'm going to see a lawyer at the start of next week. I still don't know if I'm definitely going to go down that road just yet but I want to at least be properly informed before I make any decisions.

Tbf to his parents, I think it was them who made him realise how crap he's been in other ways.

But I'm definitely going to be getting pressured to make a decision soon I think. His parents won't want him staying there for long!

OP posts:
DPotter · 14/08/2018 23:18

Don't feel you should have to take him back, just because his parents are fed up with him. They need to back off and you may have to tell them this firmly. This decision is for you and your Dh and you alone.

NadiaLeon · 14/08/2018 23:18

Can he move into a short term let flat for a month or so?

whattheheck2 · 14/08/2018 23:38

I have just read this thread and I am hoping so much that you don't forget how unhappy you were in the marriage anyway. You deserve to be happy and if you get back with your husband because of the children etc you will more than likely regret it down the line. You have come this far and this is your chance to get out of the marriage. Besides, it is miserable for children to grow up in a house with parents who are unhappy. Stick to your guns and focus on the broken trust. Take it from someone who has stayed for the children.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 14/08/2018 23:39

Oh op Flowers, first time I've seen your thread & the biggest thing that stood out to me about you is that you choose to text him on a Wednesday so he had a few days to get his head around it before going to the office, you choose to hold it in & have to put on a false smile so he wouldn't have to in the office, please put yourself first whatever you decide make sure it's for you & only you,
In another note if you are 100% sure it's over the best thing you can do is not reply to texts that have anything to do with a reconciliation or his excuses don't have a meet up to discuss if you can sort it out, how is sorting your finances going? & have you made any arrangement for the children yet? If not then sorting a short term plan togeather for him to have contact for a few weeks until he gets his shit together would be next on my list

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