Husband is planning an affair

[shitsabouttogetserious]

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my husband was chatting through fb messenger to an ex of his from his teenage years. It was pretty innocuous stuff mostly although he was a bit too complimentary/creepy for my liking so I decided to keep an eye on it. I didn't say anything to him cos I didn't want to alert him that I had access to his messages. Last weekend she called him out on his intentions with her and he was all like "I have responsibilities I can't just walk away from" and she was all "fair enough, let's just leave it at that then and stop talking before things go any further". At this point I'm thinking, ok, he's pushed his luck but when push came to shove he couldn't take it further, no harm done, right? But then he messaged her back and said if she ever changed her mind and wanted to meet up and "test the spark" to let him know 😳 the fucker just basically asked for a no strings affair right? She didn't reply to this and he then deleted the whole convo (just as well I have screenshots then😁) things were quiet for a few days and I tried to forget it all happened but it all ramped up again over last 2 days when she initiated a friendly conversation again which then took a turn yesterday towards the "what are we doing here?" He has now suggested a weekend get together so they can "get to know each other" again! She lives far away from us. They haven't made any concrete plans/ dates yet.

So basically as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over! Tbh, I've been unhappy for a while but didn't feel I could "justify" ending the marriage without a "good" reason 😞 we have 3 dc together and the youngest is only 9 months old.

I'm thinking of holding out to see what arrangements they make and having his bags packed for him when he returns from get together. But its really hard pretending everything is fine in the meantime. This will be ended one way or another, there is no doubt about that but dying to work out in my head the best way to deal with it all.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.

My Dsis was in exactly the same situation as you, 10 years ago.

She stayed for the sake of their dc aged 9 and 12. 10 years later he was at it again, like your an emotional affair. They have now seoerated and the thing she is most angry about it the fact she wasted 10 more years on him. She’s devastated she listened to his lies, that he would be a better H and father.

Don’t let him waste your life op.x

Of course they want you take him back, it's easier for them that way. I've seen mil throw relatives under the bus to stop sil ending up back on her doorstep with a suitcase.

If you'd been caught doing that I wonder if you'd deserve a second chance or if you'd be a slag?.

@shits......there's a bigger picture here isn't there which has culminated into this recently planned affair. You and you alone have to step back and mull over this bigger picture and on that basis alone make a decision on the long term viability of the marriage. You must take feelings on thr mil and his family out of the equation ... they are NOT married to your DH, they're not of the receiving end of the cheat.
Of course it's a short term pain in the arse having the Grown up son moping around but, surely tough fucking shit. The situation is entirely of his making.
Never mind all of offers of helping about the house more etc etc....have you heard real, deep words and feelings of remorse from him yet? And if you have, can you see the strength of that remorse getting you both through the next x years of marriage ... til death do us part?

I think you need to hold on to the utter contempt he had for you when he was messaging these other women. He didn't care about you then, he doesn't care about you now. It's still all about him.

He took a gamble. He thought that risking his family was worth it. He lost. Of course he's sorry. If he could have kept his family and slept with the other woman, he would have been congratulating himself.

The 'thrill of the chase' outweighed the risk of losing his family.

Just remember that OP. Just remember how low down on his list of priorities you and the children were.

You don't do that if you truly care about someone.

Pull your big girl pants up, read the very sensible advice above, tell your MIL to butt out and get on with getting on without this lump of cheating uselessness around.

You KNOW he won’t change for long. He also won’t stop looking for kicks elsewhere but he WILL get better at hiding it. You’ll know he’s doing it. It’ll just be harder to prove and you’ll end up exhausted and miserable.

Stay strong.

Sure stay for the sake of the kids. Raise your boys with the fact that it is ok for a man to disrespect a woman and betray her because after All you their mother did not deserve any.

Take it from a hild who grew up in a house with a father who cheated on her mother and then brazenly sat his children down to tell them that he was leaving their mother for her best friend because of the mothers unreasonable behaviour.

I saw my mother have her self respect and confidence disappear because he flirted with and slept with other women. Yes I blame my mother because we begged her to leave him and that we would be ok without him. She never listened and ended up bein grown out of her house in her mid Tories so that her best friend could move in.

If you fall for his bullshit and his mother's bullshit you are going to end up regretting it. The mere fact that you have to 're evaluate things is already showing signs of you giving him a second chance. No doubt after you left he and his parents were having a drink to celebrate hat he would be back in your bed by the end of the week.

Do not forget men will say anything to get themselves out of trouble and I can guarantee you it won't be long before it goes back to how he has always been.

My Dsis was in exactly the same situation as you, 10 years ago.

She stayed for the sake of their dc aged 9 and 12. 10 years later he was at it again,

I second this - I wasted another 8 years. All it meant was that he left at a time which suited him better and the kids were older so less maintenance to pay. I have said this before (and will say it again no doubt), if Mumsnet had been around 20 years ago, my life would have been so much different - and better.

It's very devious of the MIL to divert the attention back to her DIL's behaviour and away from her sons cheating. Ignore this OP, it's outrageous. Any separation or harm to the kids won't be from your actions but from his cheating.

He is only sorry he got caught. And MiL just wants to retain the status quo. You think she wants to put up her son indefinitely and explain to Auntie Jill and her neighbour Marjorie why you split up? Not likely.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Stay strong and try to step back to think about what you really want.

OP OP OP. You are in such a tricky position that is very emotionally charged. Most likely you are in shock and working from adrenaline. I have been exactly where you are now and did exactly what you did. First I would have no issue with MIL that's what all mothers would do for their child in this situation, so I think you should just take all that for a pinch of salt. Second it is going to be very hard for you not to cave when he is crying and promising the world etc... it will be hard if you go and hard if you stay. But... one thing for sure he will do the textbook. Be the best dad/husband for the next year. Then start falling back to old way and then eventually in a few years start looking at other women again. Then after about 8 years when the time suits, cause kids are grown he will leave you. Then you will turn around and say I've just wasted 8 years on this bastard, kids are grown up now etc... sorry but this is the harsh reality

You're at an incredibly difficult part of this process and you're doing incredibly well.

Perhaps try thinking about it like this to help with re-evaluation... If the intended cheating/ flirting/ messaging with his ex aspect could be magically erased, take a look at the husband that would be there even if that did not exist. Does that man and relationship make you feel cherished, held, like you are his main person? Does he make you laugh, feel safe? Is he the first person you want to tell if something funny or interesting happens in your day? Is your home with him your safe haven from the world? Do you admire him as a father?

You deserve this relationship and more, and you can absolutely have it! Is your DH the right man for you? Cheating business aside?

Nobody wants a child with a broken marriage landing on their doorstep. It's embarrassing for them and they probably feel some guilt at raising a liar and a cheat. Much easier to brush it off as a 'blip'. You do what's right for you and your DC's now OP, not what suits others.

Yes I definitely need to stick to the trust issues when talking to him tomorrow. I will want to rant and rave about other stuff and tell him what a god awful husband he has been in other ways, but then I'll be bombarded with promises of change and improvement

From your update it’s clear you already have been bombarded with promises of change.

Personally I think it’s actually important to say that the issue is not just the fact that he is completely broken the trust in a relationship with this attempt to cheat, but that he has behaved so badly in the long term that you can no longer work with him. This is simply the last straw.

I think his parents would find that easier to understand, not that it’s any of their business.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP.

Just remember that his family are only ever going to have his interests in mind, as he is their son after all.

You have to think about the kind of example you set your 10 yr old DS, because his father isn't going to set a good one, clearly.

I got the entirely predictable "I was never going to go through with it, it was just the thrill of the chase"

So, WHY HAD HE ALREADY WARNED YOU, THAT HE WAS GOING AWAY SOON?

He is still lying.

He wouldn't have started the wheels turning in your head, about an upcoming night away, if he had no intention of going through with it. Lies, lies and more lies.

Ignore MIL. She wants this whole thing to go away. It would be an entirely different story, if her son confided, that you had been planning a night away in a hotel, with an Ex. You'd be every name under the sun. Guaranteed.

My Ex MIL blamed me for breaking up our family, because I had the audacity to leave her son, who'd cheated on me with at least 10 women. Apparently, what he was doing was "having a bit of fun" whereas I was the heathen who was "breaking up the family".

Prior to this, she had been a normal and nice MIL. But, it's surprising how far some parents will go, to protect their own flesh and blood.

So, ignore MIL and other family members, who simply want to pass the monkey back to you (him). Take time away from him. He's not going to spontaneously combust, if he stays with PIL for a few weeks.

This time can be spent really, really thinking about what you want. To be honest, if you had the funds and the time, I'd be thinking of booking a last minute break away with the kids - 2 weeks away, without him, in an entirely different environment.

It wasn't "the thrill of the chase" or a "flirtation" it was him trying to get with numerous women (most of them that didn't engage) and he only struck out with the last one because he was a pushy twat that wanted confirmation that she would sleep with him before meeting up. He was texting her while you were in the same room. Additionally you have been unhappy for a long time.
You do not "owe him a second chance", no matter how many of his family members seem to think so. It is frankly none of their business and you don't need their permission or approval.

the thing that cannot be forgiven, is just what does was he thinking about you, the woman he married & bore his children, the woman who sits at home with the children while he planned to be away, happily carrying on all the menial stuff that he can't be arsed with......
Where was the love, respect, care then ?

The op hasn’t heard real remorse, she’s heard lies ‘I wasn’t going to go through with it’ but I happen to have made up a work overnight at the same time...

Another one who thinks to wheel out all the other crap he's done for the last few years to anyone who asks.

If MIL thinks you should give him a second chance just say...how many chances should I give him? Continued bad and hurtful behaviour erodes trust and love anyway, whether he'd cheated before or not. You don't have to go into detail but all she needs to know is there have been issues long before now. This isnt his first assault on your marriage. He's just put the final nail in the coffin and there will be no more chances.

Like when Homer Simpson tells Marge "but honey, I never thought you'd find out"

OP - I have just read the full thread. Respect. I wish I'd had the courage to chuck my DP out when he had an EA a few years ago. Just like a pp said - I am now Hyper vigilant, and the trust is gone.
Stay strong - you have done so well.

I gave my xh a second chance after he begged and swore it would never happen again. After 3 months I discovered he was still seeing OW. I then kicked him out. If it helps you, ten years later he has had numerous affairs and has been unable to keep it in his pants. They rarely change. Hope you make the right decision for you

Going against the grain here, DH (we weren't married at the time) had an emotional affair. It was heartbreaking, gutting and awful. This was 10 years ago. He is an amazing partner, I love him loads, he is a great father, he was sorry. He lied to minimise but essentially I drilled it down with him and we got through it. I was a bitch but he went with my feelings.

You need to decide if you are on that page or if it's gone. You have done better than I in terms of kicking out. I applaud you, and I agree with others, ignore mil, she is only looking out for herself and her son. But ultimately it's your choice x I wish you the best xx

Ps we had another two kids, married now and we'll we are best friends x

Sorry for everything you're going through OP. I'm another one who forgave for the sake of the kids and wasted another 8 years of my life. He didn't change, had no intention of doing so, his behaviour just got worse and more disrespectful. I know it's difficult but I really regret not throwing my xh out the first time I caught him (btw he had done other things over many years beforehand just hadn't been caught).