Husband is planning an affair

[shitsabouttogetserious]

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my husband was chatting through fb messenger to an ex of his from his teenage years. It was pretty innocuous stuff mostly although he was a bit too complimentary/creepy for my liking so I decided to keep an eye on it. I didn't say anything to him cos I didn't want to alert him that I had access to his messages. Last weekend she called him out on his intentions with her and he was all like "I have responsibilities I can't just walk away from" and she was all "fair enough, let's just leave it at that then and stop talking before things go any further". At this point I'm thinking, ok, he's pushed his luck but when push came to shove he couldn't take it further, no harm done, right? But then he messaged her back and said if she ever changed her mind and wanted to meet up and "test the spark" to let him know 😳 the fucker just basically asked for a no strings affair right? She didn't reply to this and he then deleted the whole convo (just as well I have screenshots then😁) things were quiet for a few days and I tried to forget it all happened but it all ramped up again over last 2 days when she initiated a friendly conversation again which then took a turn yesterday towards the "what are we doing here?" He has now suggested a weekend get together so they can "get to know each other" again! She lives far away from us. They haven't made any concrete plans/ dates yet.

So basically as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over! Tbh, I've been unhappy for a while but didn't feel I could "justify" ending the marriage without a "good" reason 😞 we have 3 dc together and the youngest is only 9 months old.

I'm thinking of holding out to see what arrangements they make and having his bags packed for him when he returns from get together. But its really hard pretending everything is fine in the meantime. This will be ended one way or another, there is no doubt about that but dying to work out in my head the best way to deal with it all.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.

Please take your time with this. You will live with whatever decision you make for the rest of your life, you should not be pressured into anything.
If you do decide to take him back, a few days at his parents then back home, does not cut it. He really needs to know how serious this is. If his parents want him to go then he should find somewhere else for a bit. It’s all been too easy for him otherwise!

Remember you were already unhappy in your marriage because of his crap behaviour, then he was actively planning to meet someone else!

You need at least a month to sort your head out without him being around.

Perhaps if you are being pressurised suggest a break of 3-6 months so you have breathing space to work out your emotions and the broken trust. This gives him time to reflect as well on why he was chasing old girlfriends and wanting to shag anything and everything behind your back.

His parents then know the timescale and they between them can agree whether they can put up with him or he gets a room in a shared house.

Agree with taking your time to decide. I know LTB isn't always the answer, but you shouldn't have to do anything on the basis that his parents won't want him there for long - that's his problem to sort out. He's a grown man, he can find something.

I can’t believe you’re wavering. You KNOW he was planning an affair. You weren’t happy anyway. Baffling what women will accept.

I agree with everyone else. You need more time.

At the end of it all, it is 100% your decision. It’s not for any of us to tell you what to do but equally, it’s not for him and his parents to tell you what to do either! I like cuttings suggestion of 3-6 months of him living elsewhere. Words are cheap, promises get broken, you need to see actions. You need space. He isn’t thinking about what’s best for you, he’s thinking about what’s best for him. So you need to think about you.

Based on his very deliberate and calculated attempts to actively pursue extra marital sex, and the fact that you felt he was far from a good husband and partner in other respects, please don't let yourself be persuaded to give him another chance. This isn't an otherwise great husband who made an uncharacteristic error.

I can imagine it must be very hard - its a huge task to manage the fall out from a separation / divorce and the ramifications it has

You make your decision when you're ready lass. It's nowtnto do with anybody else (including us).

He isn’t thinking about what’s best for you, he’s thinking about what’s best for him. So you need to think about you
Precisely

Take time to decide. It might be that this is the end of your marriage, or it might be that this is the jolt needed by you both to get it back on track.

I would suggest neither of these decisions should be hurried.

Sensible to get every bit of information you can in the meantime - to see a solicitor is a good move.

I think that most people know marriages have their ups and downs but what he has done is inexcusable. Not only was he planning on betraying you when he went away with this OW but also his kids. He didn’t think of you or them at all.

Tbf to his parents, I think it was them who made him realise how crap he's been in other ways.
Really? I suspect it was throwing him out that forced him to admit how shit he was, in the hopes of wriggling his way back in. He didn't give a shit how much of a crap husband he was before, and I very much doubt he gives a shit now. He just wants his cosy life back.

You know what OP even if you do decide to try again that is all it is a try.

You have every right in 3/6/9 months to say sorry, nope I can't for give and forget I want a divorce.

Take your time and make the right decision for you.

I agree with others. He's only thinking about himself. His parents are only thinking about him and their access to the grandchildren. You need to think about you and what you want.

You weren't happy before you found out he was actively looking to sleep with old girlfriends. He was already coasting. So have as much time as you need to decide, and do see that lawyer before making any decisions.

I'd rather be alone and happy than lonely with someone else. Keep that in mind as well.

Tell him and his parents that if you are pressured for a decision, then it's over.

If they want you to reconsider you need more time.

Take charge of this. Do not let them bully you into taking him back. He can stay with them or he can rent a room somewhere. That is not your concern.

You are perfectly entitled to take all the time you need. You need to look after yourself first before you even begin to think about him.

Tell him you are making yourself a priority now so that you can make the best decisions for yourself and the children. Tell him that he is very much last on the list so he will just have to wait.

You will have been in shock and been running on adrenaline. That takes it out of you. You need to rest, eat, sleep, exercise, spend time with your supportive friends and family, laugh, cry, socialise and just get yourself in a strong, calm place.

This could take weeks or even months. Once you've done that, you will then consider what he wants.

Tell him that. Tell him all of it. Then take time for yourself.

If you're going to take him back OP do it sooner rather than later, then it'll be less time till you remember how unhappy you were and split for good.

He says he'll change this, that and the other, so he obviously knew he wasn't pulling his weight but did nothing about it. It won't be long till he reverts, he just won't be able to keep going for long.

Expect him to start flirting again, only this time he'll be a lot more careful about it. He won't want to be found out so easily next time.

You've found your good enough reason. End your agony now and show him the screen shots...and show his family if it makes you feel better. He is an arsehole and you and your babies deserve more.

I think for me, the biggest thing would be the fact that he left it open with her, I think he said something like "you know where I am if you change your mind" or similar. You either are never able to trust him again or have to become one of "those" women who needs to check his phone, social media etc, and who wants that? I want to be neutral and supportive but I just feel you could do so much better OP. Just don't let him/his family railroad you into anything.

I don't understand what has changed.
I know it's easy for us outsiders to say ltb, but sometimes it takes outsiders to see the wood from the trees.

He was going to cheat, only thing that stopped him was opportunity.
Could you live with the knowledge that as soon as he got the opportunity he'd be at it again?

He has had it so easy, running back to Mummy and taking you for a mug.
I wonder why you don't think that you deserve better.

Good luck OP 💐 I hope that you're enjoying that new bedspread. Don't succumb to peripheral family pressure ....tbh a few dents on other people's couches from him sofa surfing in the grand scheme of matters is neither here nor there. Brits always worry far too much about inconveniencing others or overstaying ones welcome, but at least he's got a bloody couch to kip on, so just ignore the daily prattle on that. Hope the lawyer can tell you what's what, i know you're optioning things does but you'd have easy grounds on the basis of him agreeing to his unreasonable behaviour.

Hope u are ok op

I think when you're making your decision you need to think about the fact that someone who truly loves you would not think of betraying you in the way he has. As for staying for the sake of the children. My friend did that, then left when both her kids were married. They both said their childhoods were ruined because despite never having been told their parents were having problems, they knew. They both wished their parents had divorced when the problems first started.

Exactly what Romany said. You are one strong lady but if you need reminding, re-read this thread.

Hope you are okay OP! Inspired by the strength you've shown on this thread xxx

Thanks folks. He's still at his parents. I did agree to take some time to think things through before I make any final decisions but I haven't agreed to take him back and with every passing day I'm sure that I've done the right thing. I'm seeing the lawyer tomorrow.

Good for you. You've handled the whole thing with magnificent dignity.

And you will have support on here whatever you decide.