Tell me your narc dm's most outrageous stunts.

[oooz]

I'm in therapy decades after an abusive upbringing and the penny's only just dropped that my dm was a narc! Watching videos on narcissism I'm going 'Yes, yes, yes!' - it's all my experience. Playing the guilt card. Taking your successes for their own. Gaslighting. The control. It's SO refreshing finally learning my own truth. Now I've found this I want to learn as much as possible. Please share your experiences.

ResurrectedGoldfish - yes! Are you sure you're not one of my siblings?! That's exactly what DM does to us all the time. There's always one in the bad books, and the other held up as a shining example.

Just remembered another time when she said to me (I was about ten) that she didn't want to live with Daddy any longer. WTF was I supposed to say to that??!
Then she gets heartbroken when he leaves five years later after putting up with her crap for 20 years.

Mothering Sunday cards. Just leaving that there...

to those whose parent isn't quite awful enough to justify NC, but whom you wouldn't miss for a moment.

DM

When I name changed on FB (privacy thing no big deal to me), telling my aged early 20s DC that I was mentally ill, whilst tapping her temple and nodding. That whole 'shes loopy' thing

Instilling in DD1 that I preferred her sister to her, which caused ructions in the very early teen years as made DD very insecure

Gloating at failure of my relationships.

When I was with abusive 2nd H, turning up at mine with cooked meals for him on the offchance as 'DeeCee can't cook meals like this' (I'm a better cook than DM by far, she doesn't understand food doesn't need to be floating in gravy or oil)

Loudly and obviously monopolising conversation whenever men present in her --cringe- vivacious way. Must be centre of attention at all costs

Dissing my dad to me constantly. Trying to drive a wedge between her children.

Running (gloaty) commentary if I put on the merest hint of weight

Thinking its ok to be in a very bad grumpy mood and turn up at mine subjecting me to that

Being annoyed one Christmas because I had lovely new dinner set/table settings. Looking at table items constantly but purposely not commenting, then insisting on TV playing loudly during meal, on EastEnders which she knew I didn't want DC to watch (they were young, I don't watch EE but know of it & don't think appropriate for little ones), cue massive argument which is what she wanted. I thought that's it..rang my brother to drive over and take her home That she was shocked is an understatement.

Loads of other stuff, don't fancy listing the worst

I've been very low contact for several years now. DM isn't welcome at my home so doesn't visit. It galls her that she doesn't know my lovely OH of 5 years (who went through very similar with his own mother) as she's only seen him once.

She hates that me & DDs are close

Basically DM is a woman who hates women. Mere sight of an aged 45+ woman on TV looking toned, glam and happy is enough to start the 'bet she's a bitch/vain/whore/slut" commentary🙄

I'm so glad she's not in my life it's a 1000 times better. Guess I should feel slightly guilty but nope, I don't. Only wish I'd gone LC long before I did, so I could live my best life . You don't realise at the time.

@ALittleBitOfVitriol ah yeah I totally get the getting told off by others as they present so wonderfully to the outside world... my NM was an ex police officer, volunteers with the elderly and homestart etc... much better being nc

When my grandfather died I was struck by how many random ex-colleagues, customers and old neighbours showed up to his funeral raving about what a lovely man he was. I wonder if any of them wondered why his own siblings weren’t there, or why they’d never met any of his grandchildren, or why his eulogy barely made a single mention of his daughter (my mother) and just talked about how great he was at his job.

My grandfather was a charismatic, likeable man who people were really drawn to, but he invariably ended up having huge, dramatic fallings-out with anyone that he got too close to. All of the perceived slights that led to these bust-ups were laughably petty, like not receiving a hand-written thank-you note from a friend’s daughter when he gave her a birthday present. He never spoke to that family again.

I found myself crying buckets at his funeral thinking about what a sad waste of a relationship it had been. I hadn’t seen him for over 15 years by that point. I am quite sure that some of the guests there will have seen me crying and thought ‘why is she crying, isn’t she that ungrateful wicked granddaughter who never came to visit him even though he missed her so much?’

I grew up with a narc mum and a narc dad, they hated each other, but keeping up the appearances of a happy catholic family were more important than happiness or love. I can relate to so much here:

Scape goat / golden child / ignored child dynamic ✅
What happened to the other 5%? ✅
Fancying my boyfs/husband ✅
Sabotaging A-levels ✅
Controlling our food ✅
Controlling our money ✅
Ignored sexual abuse because they didn’t want to look ‘bad’ ✅
Telling me they loved their stillborn baby more than me ✅
My mum hated it when we got breasts, we were all made to feel ashamed of our bodies.
Innumerable cancer events ✅ my dad told all his neighbours in March this year he had 3 months to live. He’s still with us and fit as a fiddle.

We were so controlled we weren’t even allowed to squeeze our own spots! Every night mum would inspect our faces after tea, and hurt away, we all ended up with cystic acne as adults.

Needless to say I have eating issues, severe anxiety, depression and complex PTSD. Although my parents would say I’m just fat, lazy and overly sensitive.

I had crippling PND when I had my first child as I realised I had absolutely no belief that my baby could possibly love me. Of course she does, I’m so glad I have my own family now; we all love, cherish and respect each other. My parenting style is ‘whatever mum and dad would do, don’t do that’.

The headfuck is that the people who know my parents in real life today wouldn’t believe a word of this if I told them (except my childhood friends). Everyone loves the utter bastards.

I’ve just written a load of stuff but deleted it as it’s made me so cross and upset.

I’m still in contact but she has no power here any more.
DH and I never leave the DC unsupervised with her and, as we’re the only family members who will still tolerate her.

I’d actually forgotten quite what a wicked old stoat she can be but this has reminded me.

She’s like that old story about the scorpion that wants a lift across the river and promises not to sting.

It’s in her nature, she just can’t help it

Now she’s old and alone, my best therapy has been to live a good life and give our DCs a childhood free of fear, guilt, pain and confusion.

My heart goes out to all of you. My experience is not as bad as many on here, but , besides a couple of nasty episodes when I was younger, my DM was

• unsupportive, eg wouldn't come to help after I rang in tears because I was so tired because my baby wouldn't sleep, and she wasn't working at the time

• uninterested in details of my life, she couldn't tell you the name of my degree
• another one who saw other women as threats and competition and was never without a bad word for even the most innocuous of women on the TV or along the street
• another one who used to regularly say ' I love you but I don't like you'
• made comments when I was a teenager to the effect that she was jealous of my figure, I didn't want her to be jealous, I wanted her to love me

There's more but that will do I guess.

to all. Mine aren’t as bad but it’s both parents and they tag team the crazy. My mil was one too! I feel sad that I’ll never have a proper relationship with my parents, especially that mother and daughter relationship I keep hearing about. I just hope I’m not passing it all down the ages onto my dcs.

The cancer thing is weirding me out. My dm has had a few terminal illnesses when I've had major life events. Thought it was just her.

My mum is always befriending old people too! I’ve never quite understood why. Some of these sound very familiar, here are some of my 'd'm's:

• Giving me a hard smack across the face for some minor misdemenour before primary school one day but I turned and she hit me right in the eye. She dissolved into tears of self-pity when she realised I might be going to school with a black eye that she had caused

• Leaving us when we were still children to move to another town with her Other Man 80 miles away.

• Never showed up for my sister’s 18th birthday celebration.

• Tried to get out of going to my graduation with feeble excuses (it was about an hour’s train journey away). I was late 20s as first time round I was depressed and dropped out of Uni, so it was a massive deal for me to finally get my degree. She begrudgingly came in the end.

• When I told her my husband had had an affair rang loads of people in the family to tell them, even relatives on the other side of the world. This was despite me wanting to keep it quiet but she told them ‘so they could support me’.

• Made a huge fuss about my sister’s wedding because she didn’t want her exH (our stepdad) there and threatened not to go. She did go but left early.

• Promised to come and see me the morning I was due to go away travelling for a year but made an excuse and didn’t come.

• Telling my sister (‘the scapegoat child’) that she was a cruel mother for bf-ing her son as he was hungry all the time (he was just a very hungry baby) and that she should just give him a bottle

• Constantly criticising her husband and marriage and very jealous of the MIL

I am another one who in my early 40s is only just realising that my childhood wasn’t 100% normal and that my mum has narc tendencies. I was the ‘golden child’ so didn’t face as much wrath as my sister, but this was due to the fact that I am extremely passive and never give my real opinion about anything, just say what I think people want to hear (I now realise this was my coping mechanism). I’m now in therapy to try and find my voice and surprise, surprise she doesn’t like the new me and we are barely speaking!

Once faked being attacked indoors. At 18 I came in to find her lying screaming on the floor with everything in the kitchen tipped...very carefully. ..on its side. Apparently it wasnt fair I was going out and having a good time.

When my coccyx shattered during a forceps birth, she said she fell that night and had obviously broken hers too.

She followed me in the toilet at my wedding reception and accused me of making a fool of her by inviting posh people.

An avid book reader and enjoyer of homework, I did both in secret because she said I only did it to make her look stupid.

Then, when I was 28, "you wouldn't want to see me like this, I'm skin and bone. I have the worst thing you could imagine. You'd cry at the sight of me". To keep me at arms length while our relatives were living there for a drink fuelled 6 months.

My brother was 14 when I am born and he says he remembered being scared about how she'd look after me.

Told me a few weeks after I lost my baby she didn't know why I was still crying. She had it harder because she lost a grandchild but wasn't whinging on about it and everyone knows you love your gc more than your kids.

Stood on the street repeatedly shouting that I stabbed her. My brother showed up and when challenged, turned it to 'she stabbed my feelings'.

Told extended family I had stolen cigarettes and money from her and bullied her.

Kicked my dog for no reason

Made me throw stones at my dad's car when I was a teen and he was driving past.

Beat the shit out of me throughout my teenage years. I once pushed my hand out when she had me pinned to the bed beating me with a hard plastic Radox bottle. It caught her cheek. She didn't stop the beating but still tells everyone that I slapped her across the face. Never says how though.

Our house backed onto my dad's parents'. She once hid behind a wall with a boiling kettle to try and throw it over the top of dad when he would be walking past.

I am terrified of her. She's a tiny, little woman who comes across as a pitiful victim that everyone believes. I really think my darling dad was the only other person that truly realised how twisted she is .

A PP asked about diagnoses other than narcissism, she was diagnosed as having histrionic PD following a breakdown. She also has Conversion Disorder which is also psychological.

Even though MN will probably delete all my paragraphs when I post, that felt really good to tell someone else all in one go. I never really bother because it sounds so unbelievable, I probably wouldn't be.

When I lost my first Barbary to a Mc at 12 weeks I came home from the hospital following my d&c and overnight stay in hospital to find her sitting in her car in the driveway. I went int he house and told DH to go and get her but she refused unless I went out myself.
When I did she was sobbing with loud opera music playing a d refused to turn it down so she could hear me. I was also very unreasonable because she was “hungry” and we had made her wait. We hadn’t know she was coming round, we thought she was at my brothers.
When she finally came in I went to bed and she followed me up saying she was still hungry. DH offered to heat her up a tin of soup but she didn’t eat “ that sort of thing “ apparently. She left to go home with the parting line
“ you may find it helpful to talk about you baby dying, but don’t talk to me about it I find it too upsetting”

Baby obviously NOT Barbary ffs!

How does anyone get a diagnosis? The nature of it means they are unlikely to think there is anything wrong with them.

I've talked to DM about going to GP for mood management drugs but she won't have it. Her rage is justified by other people's unreasonableness. Her inability to concentrate is due to her having so many more worries/responsibilities than anyone else. She's nasty to and about people because they deserve it. The awful thing is, it doesn't make her happy. She is permanently disappointed, angry, stressed...

She complains constantly that it is 'all at other people's convenience'- in other words it isn't always all about her and it should be.

Both my sibs are LC, occasionally NC. They think I'm the golden child, but she treats me like crap too, I have just learned how to manage the situation better.

We lost DF, a darling darling man, earlier this year. I will feel nothing but relief and sadness for the lack of a proper mum when she goes no sign yet, proper creaky door. There. I said it.

You are right, it’s virtually impossible to get a diagnosis and even if the narc agreed to be assessed they wouldn’t accept the diagnosis. Also, these people can be very clever and charming and even fool medical professionals.
Finally even if you had certificate signed by the head of mental health from every HA in the country it wouldn’t help either the narc or his/her victims. It’s a label that can explain things and help the victims understand what’s happening and help with research so they can anticipate what might come next. It also helps them understand the problem is not with them

I was quite shocked when a very senior neurologist friend said very casually, in passing, 'oh she's got some kind of personality disorder has she? Narcissist maybe.' We were talking about her response to DF's terminal cancer DX and need for care. For the first time I felt less guilty for thinking there was something wrong with her.
It's been an interesting year. Without him to cover for her and pander to her, it's become more obvious to the outside world. I've had a couple of people comment on it. I can't watch Hyacinth Bucket in 'keeping up appearances'. I can't see the humour in it, as in real life it is toxic.

This thread has been so eye opening. I've read it twice. It has made sense if so many of my mums outbursts and behaviours. I just accepted a lot of things as normal (bringing lovers on holiday, getting us to lie to my dad, constant critique of my looks/weight, cancer scares at crucial points in my life (the day after I gave birth...), offering no support but requiring a great deal, including financial.

Narc MIL arriving on fri, DP invited her- we’ve been NC/LC for over a year. I’m reading this remembering all the reasons why and dreading it....

Why did he invite her given the current low level of contact?. Was it due to his fear, obligation and guilt?. Not surprised you are dreading it, is there any way this visit can be cancelled?.

He invited her. Why do you need to be there. I’m sure there are some lovely spa hotels in your area that do good deals for singles.

Or a girls weekend needed.

Or mothers / dc getaway needed.

Let him deal with her.

Would threaten to drown herself frequently from when I was age 3 up

Would tell me she wished I was dead and that I’d never been born

Any argument between my parents would always be my fault

Told me I was bringing up my kids as spoilt brats because I got their uniforms and breakfast ready in the mornings

I was working part time from 14, and one summer night I’d been out with friends and came home to a pile of ashes in a box with a note saying ha ha. I had saved just over £500 from working and she burnt it all.

My brother graduated, he got a car, money, cards and notice in the paper. I graduated with a 3 year old (he was 2 1/2 months when I started university) and I didn’t even get a card.(petty I know but it hurt).

I could go on and on, but to be honest I’m past careing now! We’ve been NC for 2 years after she kicked off on my sons GCSE results day and spoilt it. I’m so much happier!

Can’t believe I missed this- my whole childhood consisted of violent fights between my parents. Apparently it’s all I my head they never once hit each other! Thankfully my father confirmed it.........