Tell me your narc dm's most outrageous stunts.

[oooz]

I'm in therapy decades after an abusive upbringing and the penny's only just dropped that my dm was a narc! Watching videos on narcissism I'm going 'Yes, yes, yes!' - it's all my experience. Playing the guilt card. Taking your successes for their own. Gaslighting. The control. It's SO refreshing finally learning my own truth. Now I've found this I want to learn as much as possible. Please share your experiences.

The difference is the ability to have insight into one’s behaviour and the capacity to change.

We undoubtedly have picked up narc traits from our past experience. For example, I grew up thinking that the correct way to support someone going through a tough time was to tell them how it had happened to me. Experience, kind honesty from true friends and counselling has taught me that’s not the best way to support a friend and I’ve learned to listen and let others speak! If I was a narc I’d have got angry hearing that feedback and attacked the person giving it, and I’d not have understood why turning a conversation around to be all about me, didn’t help my friend.

I’m always learning; to be kind to myself, to change the negative thoughts I have, to accept I’m not perfect and why my narc family will not / cannot change. I’m lucky because I can change and I can have more fulfilling relationships as I grow.

Ofitck - I think the mere fact that you're worrying about it absolves you from it! If you were actually a narc yourself, then it wouldn't worry you at all and everything would obviously be everybody else's fault.

I do occasionally hear stuff coming out of my mouth that my mother used to say a lot to me - but I recognise it, and I apologise to my boys for it and that is the difference between me and my mum - she would never have agreed that she said anything wrong and certainly never apologised for it! I then try to ensure that I never say that thing again.

My children are so little I obviously can’t ask them yet! But today for exanple, DS said he didn’t like me and I pulled like an ott sad pouty face and then realised it was emotional manipulation and was it the start of being narc?

I do think there’s a lot of learned behavior and if it’s that then there’s scope to avoid but if it’s genetically a part of me... the thought scares me so much.

I’m quite socially awkward as I never really no how to interact with people, fine for a few coffees etc but nothing further

Sorry posted too soon.

Thank you thumbwitches I have also apologized to my son for coming out with something she would say!

In the spirit of answering the actual question! One of her outrageous narc moments was when I was 18 I accompanied her on a work trip and was sexually assaulted and managed to run away from my attacker. When I found her the next day I was shaken and upset and tried to tell her but she told me to shut up in case her colleagues heard, then nothing more was ever said. I felt so alone.

Ofitick none of us are perfect and all struggle at times with parenting but I agree with other posters who say the fact that you are self-aware and also have empathy for your children shows that any narcissistic “fleas” (i.e. learned behaviours) from narcissists in your life are nowhere the state of a disorder.

If you can empathize with your children, putting yourself in their shoes and want to reduce their suffering you are a healthy person.

If you can self-reflect, critique yourself and make changes you are healthy.

If other people can criticize you or suggest you made a mistake and you don’t start raging but instead listen to them, can see their point of view and acknowledge that there is a possibility of truth in some of what they say you are healthy.

If you can have remorse for mistakes you made, acknowledge them and apologize to people who were affected by your behaviour you are healthy.

For example, there are a few times in my parenting life when I have lost it and ending up shouting and blaming. By nature I am pretty mellow and calm so this behaviour is out of character for me. In virtually every case when I self-reflect I can acknowledge that I had actually been getting stressed and anxious about issues that had absolutely nothing to do with my kids. There would be a very minor issue that was the “last straw” and become my tipping point into anger.

Each time I have gone back to my children and explained to them that I know I overreacted and my response was out of proportion to the situation and I have apologized. I also explain that no one else “makes you” angry because most of the time I can control my emotions and therefore my emotional reaction is not their fault. I talk about how everyone is entitled to their emotions and being angry is fine, what is not OK is taking your anger out on others or acting out in anger.

If you can show your kids your weaknesses and that you are human and apologize then you are not narcissistic because narcissists operate out of toxic shame which drives them to a desire to be seen as perfect and better than others.

Ofitick I cross-posted and just wanted to say how sorry I am that you were subjected to a traumatic attack and your NM responded that way. Narcissists are so wrapped up in themselves they are unable to respond appropriately. The fact that you can recognize that you did not get a normal response shows that you are not like your NM.

This thread is so incredibly sad to read - the sheer amount of people treated in this way by someone who is supposed to love you is beyond awful.

My own mother (NC for 5 years):

• a massive fan of the who ‘she loved me but didn't like me’. Meaning eventually I got with men who liked me for sex but not me as a person as I believed that to be normal.
• was physically abusive (only to me, not the golden child brother) until I was 13 and then just become incredibly verbally abusive. Everyone hated me, my own family don’t / didn’t love me, I was hideously fat and later after I temporarily moved back in from uni, I was a whore/slut that no one could bear to be around.
• Lied for years about a hidden sibling from a previous marriage. She just painted her out of her life.
• Was an alcoholic throughout my entire childhood. It’s rare to have a memory where she wasn’t drunk or getting there.
• Met DP for the first and only time. Was drunk as a newt and ignored him, whilst ignoring the fact that I was struggling to breathe (asthmatic) and berating me throughout.
• When I moved out, claimed that I’d trashed the house and got my father to send me nasty messages.
• Was in an accident and afterwards would send me messages saying that I clearly wished she’d died. I’d wake up to those most mornings.
• After a horrific break up, told me that I made her depressed when she talked to me and not to call my family again until I could be cheerier.
• Told me about my parent’s sex life and said that she wanted an affair (fairly sure actually that she did have at least one). I was 15.

I wish that typing all of this for the first time I think felt cathartic but it just makes my heart hurt. Thank god we can see we’re not alone .

@ThumbWitchesAbroad yes itwas cathartic to hear her admit it, even if it was under the 'influence' of Dementia but so sad at the same time. During that same conversation she commmented that it was only my dad who made the effort with parenting. I've never been close to him but her comment made me reflect that he was the one who took (an albeit limited) interest in the lives of me & my siblings and came to our parents evenings etc.

DM famously did not know the name of the primary school I went to as she took no part whatsoever in applying for my school - she genuinely was not interested.

My dad was not a good parent on the whole (awful temper, bullying) but he makes a great effort with my DC. They worship their grandad. My sister said the other day "it's nice to see but why couldn't he have been that way with us?"

There seems to be an epidemic of narcissistic mothers. I wonder where they were all hiding before.

I’m sure there of course were always people who were terrible parents. I think that it is a very good thing that society is able to acknowledge that and acknowledge the suffering of children with these parents. What we are really seeing more of is wanting to know why and for so many the answer lies in a very disordered personality.

I think narcissists can hide so much of their behaviour behind closed doors and the drive for narcissists to create a socially acceptable “image” and facade can hide this behaviour in plan sight. There is so much in modern society and especially with social media that actually encourages narcissism.

The fact that the mother-child relationship is seen as so sacred and that a selfless devotion to your child is expected to be automatic and instinctive has created a situation of shame for children of narcissists. I really don’t think there is an epidemic and I am assuming that your post was meant sarcastically. We only need a tiny % of awful mothers to create a huge group of victims. I had a great mum but I think there is a significant % of narcissistic mothers (and parents) because in my adult life I have met many and have many friends, including my own DH who have mothers with many, many narcissistic tendencies. I also think in some cultures and sub-cultures this kind of toxic parenting is acceptable and even encouraged and so is not even seen as a problem.

There seems to be an epidemic of narcissistic mothers. I wonder where they were all hiding before.

they were always there, it's just people speak up more now.

being the child of a selfish / selfcentred / actually narcisstic mother is very lonely since most people have normal parents and can't understand having shit ones. So people learn to shut up about it.

T'internet's made it a lot easier to communicate with other people and find people whose experience resonates.

I think strong society structure masked problems in the past. Everyone knew their place, and how to behave. Now things are more negotiated, some people clearly think they are the queen bee and the rest of us drones.

I was just interested in the use of the term narcissistic - bad mothering has always been around in one form or another, as is sadly evidenced by the posts above - but are their failings narcissistic? Or simply the actions or inactions of inadequate parents for an assortment of reasons?

I guess that in the past people accepted that parenting might not be perfect as parents are all human and fallible. And they might have been taken up with staying above the breadline - the psychological failings of parents might have been less to the fore when simple survival was the name of the game.

It sort of spills over into current parents concerns to get things perfect for their children. The whole "good enough is good enough" when it comes to parenting has saved many a mother's sanity.

My mother was far from perfect and it left many scars and long term adverse impacts on me and my siblings. But I saw her as a victim of her upbringing (the old cycle of deprivation rears its ugly head again) and of severe PMT which turned her into Jekyll and Hyde.

I think as well, you don’t really know any different. I posted on here a long long time ago about not having the kind of relationship with my Mum that I’d like. I was pointed to the stately homes thread and then the DONM website and it was a revelation tbh.

I’d always know dm was “difficult”, I’d always wondered why other people thought she was so cool, I’d always known it was a one way street but I just put it down to her being her. Looking back, the sly digs are there throughout my whole life.

So no, it’s not new but it’s better documented and honestly unless you have a NM you just won’t get it.

It is also interesting that this term is applied mainly to women -I wonder what this is about. Or do we use a different term that I do not know for men who exhibit similar behaviour? Or is it confined to mothers?

I suppose that part of what I am saying is that parenting is a massive challenge and some fall far short of the ideal. But I have had to think very hard about why my mother behaved as she did and to forgive her - it does not make the pain any less, but helps me to be more at peace with myself.

X-posted mishap

I know what you mean. It’s all too easy to apply a label and I’ve wondered time and time again if it’s me or if it’s her.

As time went on, for me anyway, it became less about parenting but more about personality. I can see it her other relationships, it’s not just the dynamic between her and me. She has to be the centre of everything. If she’s not, she will sulk. I can see the damage she’s caused in other relationships in our family. Intentional or not.

The parenting stuff I can kind of deal with in terms of how she brought me up. But the way she treats other people is just horrid at times.

You can see what underlies other dysfunctional relationships- women with addictions, abusive husbands, PTSD etc struggle to be good mothers. The NM is a different kettle of fish.

Narcissistic Men maybe seen as controlling, abusive, violent... they tend to have less impact on their children, especially if there is a nurturing mother in the home. NMothers are particularly damaging because of the impact they have on their children.

It took ages to recognise what was going on with mum. I thought about anxiety, ASD, Attachment disorder, then dementia. She was always controlling and had a fiery temper. No one else was allowed opinions or emotions- she was the priority in every way.

With age, the inappropriate behaviour became more obvious as she was jealous of her grandchildren and grandchildren, wouldn't let me visit other family members etc. HCPs involved in my dad's care became concerned about her. And I found NPD which fits her to a tee.

Mishappening as this thread was specifically about narcissistic mothers men have not been the focus. In my case my dad was someone with a lot of narc tendencies and actually I have encountered a number of men who I would definitely consider narcissistic, including a former boss. My husband’s parents are both narcissistic and we tend to give them both a very wide berth to protect ourselves and our children.

Not all inadequate parents are narcissistic but narcissism crates a particularly painful experience for children as the adult in the dynamic is not able to center the relationship on the child in a healthy way. Many children of narcissists grow up with a “love” that is very conditional and never feel they are accepted or seen for their true selves.

What movable said.

If you post a thread about narc mothers, the majority of posters are going to post about their narc mothers.
Others may have narc siblings or fathers who decide not to post because this was aimed primarily at narc mothers. Some posters have posted about them anyway (which is a good thing, it's still good to get it all out), but most will react to the "narc mothers" title.

Those who don't have narc mothers mostly won't post because they don't have narc mothers, so this isn't a thread that is relevant to them.

So this thread gives a very skewed view of who is out there - it's a gathering of people with similar experience, not a good cross section of society.

Does anyone else have a NDM who is also the Queen of Passive Aggressiveness?

I can do you a dad who is King of Passive Aggressiveness? He was my only parent for several years so he was pretty influential.

About the term narcissistic ... I hate how it's bandied around casually because it's a term for a pretty severe problem where people are unable to care, or sometimes see, the damage their behaviour does. It gets used as a short-hand for selfish and self-centered. Mind you, a lot of the behaviour described here does indeed seem way out and hellish for a daughter :(

This is harrowing reading. I'm so sorry that you have all had this treatment in one way or another. I noticed the o/p never returned or posted again. I hope they are okay.

My mother was so locked in her angry relationship with my Dad that she could not see the effect that this had upon her children and her wider relationships. She had a huge chip on the shoulder about being a woman and being seen as inferior - highly intelligent woman with parents who devalued women's education. It was sad that she let this understandable bitterness rule her life and relationships rather than rising above it in some positive way.

She was an angry lady inside and this spilled over into an inability to show affection - did she ever tell us she loved us or give us a cuddle? - no. She was herself too damaged.

She died a fair while ago and it took me till then to begin to understand the roots of her personality and behaviour. But the dawning of this understanding was helpful to me to be at peace.

I am not trying to diminish then pain that posters here have suffered, but just wanted to say that hanging on to this hurt is in itself damaging. It will not matter to your mother and do her no harm - but it might do you harm. I did not work this out till she died and hope that others will be able to gain that understanding before then, as absence of forgiveness can be very damaging to the individual.

The other thing that set me thinking is the fact that I too am a mother - like so many on here of course - and the positive result of my difficult mothering was that I made a special effort to be a good mother myself. I did not always succeed, and, not unsurprisingly, some of the failings mirrored my mother in ways that I regret.

But I have excellent relationships with my adult children now, so I must have got something right - or maybe they are just more forgiving by nature.

It is fine to vent the anger felt towards imperfect mothers; but to hold this in your heart and let it damage other relationships (especially with offspring) is stabbing oneself in the back.

I will be 70 next month and the pain is still with me - I would like to feel that these words from a relative oldie might help others to make an attempt (however hard) to let go fo some of this hurt and allow yourselves to live at peace. The key for me was asking myself why my mother behaved as she did.

Good luck to all who are struggling with this problem.

Does anyone find that when their narc relative reaches out for support after a genuine problem, you are left far more exhausted and stressed than with anyone else? I don't begrudge being available on the phone to her after she had a car scrape. Not at all.
But somehow, finding her insurance details for her, telling the insurers what happened, and reassuring her was all hugely draining. Perhaps because when she tells you she can't find the insurance info there is a tone in her voice which suggests it's your fault. I'm wiped out. Can't work out why.

Told me I deserved the abuse from my brother because I wasn’t a nice teenagers (abuse started years before)

Said ‘at least someone fancies you’ When I was sexually assaulted.

I visited a child psychologist and she said my diagnosis was ‘nonsense’ and refused to let me get help.

Read the feelings journal the above shrink had told me to do.

Told me (repeatedly) that I was making her life worse by reporting my brothers abuse of me. Guilted me And told me I needed to accept him into the house again after he broke four of my teeth because he had nowhere else to go.

Told me to ‘shut up and wait for an advert’ when I returned home for the first time in 8 weeks at 17

Moved to the other side of the word and got married without calling me to say goodbye