Tell me your narc dm's most outrageous stunts.

[oooz]

I'm in therapy decades after an abusive upbringing and the penny's only just dropped that my dm was a narc! Watching videos on narcissism I'm going 'Yes, yes, yes!' - it's all my experience. Playing the guilt card. Taking your successes for their own. Gaslighting. The control. It's SO refreshing finally learning my own truth. Now I've found this I want to learn as much as possible. Please share your experiences.

Oh god, the rewriting of history!

My Mum once told me not to ask her to choose between me and the slimy fucker she was cheating on my Dad with (he was in hospital after a heart attack and I asked her not to parade the affair while he was ill), because I wouldn't like how the choice would go.

A decade later, she utterly denies that the conversation took place, and that she was even having an affair. I think she actually believes it too, now.

What I find hard to handle and be witness to is when she caused a big drama or problem that has really upset or inconvenienced someone and she totally minimizes it and is scornful at other people's devastated emotions.*

@moveablefeast we are going through this with dm right now. She’s really hurt people but they’ve obviously misinterpreted things and overreacted. Yet “everyone is determined to see her in a bad light” if we try to disagree or suggest she’s in the wrong.

DM didn’t have a great childhood tbh. Her sibling was deffo the golden child. But I’m also not convinced it was as awful as she makes out. It gives her a reason to be pitied and it gives her an excuse to not know any different. So it’s kind of convenient for her too.

I don’t think for one second my dm sets out to be malicious - she’s too self absorbed to really care about others! Yet somehow the end result is that she hurts people then gets all “woe is me, that wasn’t my intention”.

She’s damaged so much. She doesn’t realize she is the cause. Again in some cases this suits her because it’s ultimately led to her getting her own way. In other cases she’s gone a step too far and people have then fucked her off and she will never be able to see that it’s her own wrong-doing that has caused it.

The more I understand the more I want to distance myself as I can’t ever now imagine things taking a positive or upward direction.

But then maybe I’m being too harsh. If I just give her the adoration she requires maybe everyone would be happy?

Wow, seems like I got off lightly compared with some of these. How appalling DLT one treated like that by someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally.
Mine tends to be very subtle. I live away from DM and DF who have now split up.
My DH, 2 autistic children and I have just been on holiday and before the hols she talked about how much we deserved the break etc. On our return and I did the duty phone call we talked about her work for about 15 mins before I could get a word in! The feeling was very much that we've had our fun and now we are back in our little box.
When I went to see her this week she asked whether she can come on holiday with us next time- not a big holiday of course. We have taken her previously before and it really didn't go well.
My sis is moving to a new place and she dropped hints about Sis having everyone for Xmas. Bearing in mind sis had health issues this was quite a shocking suggestion! DM is too anxious to have us herself. We are rarely allowed to return to the family home, everything is immaculate and this doesn't mix well with my kids.
My parents evenings were all about her. My Dad and Sis adore her and hang on her every word.
Her and Dad were late for my graduation. There was DV and I always felt it was my fault.
She is a hypochondriac and sometimes, as awful as this is to say, seems to will something to be wrong with her.
It is all so subtle, but very much there.

Oh god Eastie. 😭

I do think Thomas Markle has to be the ultimate narc.

Poor Meghan. Fancy having that sort of stuff splashed across the world.

Not harsh, hothandle.

My advice would be to keep your distance and give her just enough to get by. Nothing you do will ever be enough.

We suggested to DM arhat we go away over her birthday, her first since losing dad. She immediately assumed we'd pay, didn't want to go to any of the places we suggested, changed the date to the following weekend (better for me, as it happens), changed it back to the original weekend (I won't see DS off to uni), and picked the most obscure destination.

Now she's trying to get airport assistance, despite travelling with two basically healthy adult daughters and being basically healthy herself.

Oh yes to Thomas Markle being a narc.....all the “you’d be better off if I was dead” stuff.

I'm only 2 pages in and this is awful.
I can't believe some if these stories, just awful.
@Hothandle - I'm right where you are now too. Nowhere near as bad as most of this but just as you said it.
I'd say I'm LC for now but kind of dreading the next encounter. I really would like to confront it but ultimately I know it won't change anything and I'm trying very hard to not give a crap.
I'd be devastated if my relationship with my children resembled anything like mine with my parents.

Emailing to say "goodbye" to me as her daughter as she was getting on a flight to New Zealand while my father was receiving end of life care and I was his medical attorney. She could not cope wth the fact that she was not the centre of attention while I was dealing with Dad.

So much coming back. Outrageous stunts indeed.
When I was fifteen, I took an overdose of paracetamol with any alcohol I could find in the house.
A neighbour found me unconscious in the garden, and I had my stomach pumped in hospital, a really nasty experience.
My Narc cow of a mother was always on the phone chatting with friends and was busy describing the others in the emergency ward with me.
“Well....there was this woman opposite oprahfan who took a lot more paracetamol, she had a really serious go at it.......”.
She went into meltdown when I got home from the hospital calling me an attention seeking stupid b#%ch, in front of my brother.....”you took an overdose to get some attention.....”. She also yelled at me on how I had ruined a great night out with the man she was having an affair with.
“You and your attention seeking.....you ruined my night!!!!”.
I feel sick at the thought of remembering that.......I was only 15, being bullied at school, failed all my exams.........I feel so so sad.
On suggestion from counselling a few years back, I looked through my medical notes.
My mum blamed me for her marriage problems....she’d been phoning the doctors and wanted me announced as mentally ill and put into care.
This was unknown to me until a few years ago.
This is very very painful. But I am trying to find a way. But my quality of life, living even, is not good. I don’t socialise. I’m afraid to go outside.

Oprah fan

Oprah that is just awful. You did not deserve any of that. So sorry you are still suffering . I hope you can find a way to move on and have a happier future
Xxx

Flapjackfairy

Picklemepopcorn

There’s so many isn’t there? It is a disgraceful scandal that so many are still in severe pain. The more that others inform themselves of narcissism the better. I don’t know all of the answers, but getting far away is a definite choice to make, for sanity’s sake, and I do not say this lightly, but cutting contact is essential.
Truth was in very short supply. Narcissism cannot be tested successfully I believe. It is incredibly sad to read about all the others too. You feel so alone and isolated, yet you are not. It is an incredibly cruel way to bring up children. How can this damage be limited? We are aware of physical abuse, psychological and financial abuse etc. Thank you for your kind comments 😘

Reading these stories is so sad and maddening. So terrible to see how much people have been through at the hands of those supposed to love and protect them the most.

With my DM it's lower level and I drive myself crazy trying to work out if it's me or her. I would love to hear what others think.

My childhood was more obviously a bit crap. There were multiple occasions she would be wildly drunk while taking care of me at a really young age.

When I was 11 she split up with my alcoholic stepfather (I saw him as my father though so will refer to him as DF) she had a kind of breakdown and took to her bed for days then started going out all the time leaving me and my 1yr old Dsis either on out own or with DF. She would go out for lunch and not come home til 4am or the next morning totally wasted. If I phoned the pub I thought she was at and asked to speak she would hold the phone up to her friends laughing and asking if anyone had met her "grandmother". She would tell me in detail about all the silly things she did while pissed and it used to terrify me. She knew this as my DF had a nasty alcohol problem and had done crazy things like chased us with an axe so she knew alcohol anything scared me.

She then got a boyfriend and they would have ridiculously loud sex all night with the headboard banging against my bedroom wall where my bed was. They must have known.

Or we'd drive to visit her friends in London and they would all smoke joints all day and be totally stoned but the one time I said I didn't like it she went mental screaming and shouting. If I ever said I didn't want her to go out or something she'd lecture me on how "clingy", "possessive" and "neurotic" I was and imply I'd struggle to have good relationships in the future as a result. She also used to say she loved me but didn't like me if I behaved in a way she didn't like, and if I expressed anger she would shake her head sadly and say I was just like my biological father, who beat her and never bothered to see me.

When I was about 13 or 14 she got a new boyfriend who was a heroin addict and she did it too. From my first job at 15 she took money from me all the time "for keep" even though I was still at school and spent as much time as possible with my then boyfriends family. I got credit cards at 18 and she wouldn't hesitate to ask me to get her stuff on them, car repairs etc. At 19 I went on holiday with my now DH and she went on and on about how she needed a holiday until I paid for her, her boyfriend and my sister to come for the first week. This culminated in her asking for £400+ a month once I graduated and was working my first decent job. I eventually confronted her about this and she stopped asking. I realise now I basically funded her habit for years though she says She never used my money for drugs... but if she spent her money on drugs and used mine for bills it's one and the same isn't it?

Shes clean now and things are generally on a more even keel but I can't say anything that can remotely be seen as a criticism of her without her getting really angry and then later sending me messages laying out how unreasonable I am being and how my behaviour is indicative of a deeper personality flaw. So when I refused to let her drive my kids after she had had a drink she shouted and screamed that I was being unreasonable and I was stopping her seeing her grandchildren, then ignored me for a couple of days, then finally conceded I was right, apologised but took the opportunity to say that I always act superior and that it started to act like I was better than her when I got my degree. She loves telling people i have semi decent job but also puts me down over it. Recently it that she's very worried I think I'm infallible. I don't i tie myself up in knots thinking things are my fault.

She insists in doing things with my kids like continually giving them sugary drinks even though I have asked her multiple times not too, to which she always responds "of course darling they're your kids I'd never do anything you don't want me to do"... until she does it again. Drives me mad and it's all such small stuff if I raise it it's just further proof that I'm a horrible tyrant. She regularly says "I've never had a relationship like yours, you're so lucky" and we're going on holiday next month and it's all "lucky sod I've not been away for years"... trying to make me feel guilty?

She shouted at me in front of my son once in my house and I had a moment of backbone and made her leave. She ignored me for a while then said she was so upset and felt so betrayed she drove to her old dealers house and sat outside it. Basically saying don't push me I might use again.

She's fallen out with many friends over the years and it's only now I'm an adult and am realising I haven't ever fallen out with someone as an adult (drifted apart maybe but no arguments) that I'm seeing that's quite weird.

I never know where I stand with her and feel stressed and on edge most of the time. She is always defensive and there's always a reason why something isn't quite her fault or she couldn't help it

Sorry I've rambled once you start it's hard to stop. Not sure she has narc traits but she's certainly difficult.

Also NicoandtheNiners I love your name. Bloody love the new tracks and can't wait for the album

I think the worst was watching her selfishness in the last year of dad's life. He'd always looked after her, and she couldn't return the favour. He had a brain tumour removed which affected his speech. She still had him running around after her, and told him off when he got things wrong. I won't go into detail, but it was desperately sad to watch. I stayed with them as often as I could so I could protect him a bit.

I resent having to mould my emotions and personality around hers through my growing up. I was not allowed to develop into my own person.

She's so jealous of the relationship I have with my children, but she thinks I am lucky whereas she was unlucky in having such ungrateful children.

Obiey, I don't know if she is a narc or an addict.

I do know that she has nothing good to offer you or your children, and that you owe her no loyalty. I'm amazed you still allow her in your life. I wouldn't.

Mine are oblivious to boundaries and so are unaware that they’re stepping over them and then are terribly offended when it’s pointed out.

I rented my flat out when we got married, it was a two bed, and I’d rented one room out but then when I left the tenant stayed on, which was fine by me. My dad informed me that he would be staying there when he visited. I said no, it’s rented out, and my tenant doesn’t need a complete stranger staying with her and he went MAD. Massive rage, screaming fit, what a selfish bitch I am, etc. He says he has no memory of any of this.

Before I married I lived abroad and My mother decided to stay at a moment’s notice, she had arranged to stay with a friend but then changed her mind without warning, and wanted to know why she couldn’t sleep in the same BED as me! Again a huge screaming fit about it. She get she had the absolute right to share my bed, even though she had a perfectly fine guest bed available at her friend’s house. And then took my bosses’ car (I had the lend of it for the weekend) without permission for hours, and spilt paint on the seats.
She complained to my dad who was back in our old country and he sent me a barrage of texts guilt tripping me about “how dare you upset your mother.” It was madness. Again, no recollection of this, it’s all been erased.

So glad I found this thread but am sad to see so many of us with this kind of relationship. My heart goes out to all of you, it's not easy living with this kind of pain

I left home when I was 17 and have been LC with DM since so most of these are from my childhood:

• Used to tell me and my siblings that we ruined her life, her body, her house etc. and she couldn't wait for us to leave. Also hysterically screamed "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you" in my face.
• "Borrowed" all of my savings (she just took it without asking) and never paid it back.
• Never makes an effort for anybody's birthday, special occasion etc. but gets my dad to text us when it's mother's day, her birthday etc. and remind us to do something special. She goes nuts if we don't make a massive deal.
• When I was leaving school and deciding what to do next, she told me I would never be happy and I will be miserable my whole life because I have too high expectations.
• When I was about 8, she pointed out all my physical flaws and told me where I would age when I got older. She loves staring me up and down with a look of disgust when she sees me.
• Insisted on paying for my wedding so she could call the shots on everything. I wanted a small do but ended up having a big wedding with all the trimmings so she could show off to the rest of our family. She wore 3 different outfits during the day
• The day before my wedding, she was supposed to help me finalise everything. But she "popped out quickly" at 9am and didn't get back until 6pm leaving me without a car.

Does anybody else find it hard when their friends talk about their healthy relationship with their mum? My friends all seem to go on girly days out with their mum and turn to their mum for support. I honestly can't imagine doing that with mine, she's the last person I would ask for help.

Also, I have a lot of guilt over the LC thing. I feel like there's nothing I can do to improve my relationship with her but still can't stop feeling bad about being a bad daughter or that I should try harder. Does anybody have any advice for dealing with the guilt?

Fiddlez - yes, I always found it a bit bewildering when friends would talk about the great relationship they had with their mum - but to be perfectly honest, I have quite a few friends who don't have good relationships with their mothers for one reason and another.

My counsellor was a lovely mum to her sons - I found myself wishing she was my mum too. That really brought it home to me more than anything else, what I'd missed out on.

But in your case, you sound as though you're still trapped in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and you probably need to read up on that, and maybe get counselling yourself, to help you realise that there is nothing YOU can do to change the way your mother behaves, because NONE of it is actually your fault, it's all down to her. ALL of it is HER. The only one who could change anything, therefore, is her - and she has no need or incentive to do so.

Hope you find a way through the guilt because really, it's not yours to own, it's hers, but she'll never own it.

Having now read the whole thread, ( and blimey some of this is awful), I see that my MIL is a huge narc. And so is my husband, which is why I'm leaving him :)

I'm beginning to think that if you are raised by a narc you may well become one as its all you know and think its the way to behave.
I know I desperately wanted to be different to my mum and really show love, encouragement and support to my DCs. She wasnt physically nasty just emotionally, and nothing on the scale of some of PPs experiences. But all of it has made me feel worthless, useless and all my life I have struggled with depression and lack of confidence.

My coping method was to run away from it all, ie move out, live abroad, have little contact til I was feeling strong to face the criticism again. ( I always some kind of contact via siblings)
Then when I met Dh I realised his mum was an awful woman and is such a manipulative bitch she had him under her thumb, she used all the illness/drama/centre of attention tricks.
He kind of got away from her, much less contact, but he isolated me from everyone and is such s negative person, all doom and gloom, all about him and how hard he works, all seeking appraisal from me and everyone else which has worn me down.
A friend said he was seeking approval from a parent, like he was never appreciated for his own achievements (his dad died before he graduated and his mum had a drama so didn't go to the ceremony because it wasn't about her) anyway as his wife I'm now in that role or being the one who needs to say good boy! well done!!
But I'm a wife not his parent and thats a different role all together!
I'm moving on! I've seen that even though my DM always put me down I still sought her approval of everything, and then I moved on to my DH who is also like her. Do we seek this out as its something we are used to and familiar with? If so I need to break this cycle.

I desperately don't want to copy my DM but I know I struggle as its learned behaviour maybe? and instead of standing up to my DH I have probably taken out my frustration on my kids by shouting and getting frustrated with them when it was my DH who needed a bloody good shouting at and a few home truths told.
Please say I'm not the only one who cant face confrontation with a spouse and ends up getting annoyed at the kids instead.
All is changing now though. I'm moving on and harmony will return!
Onwards and upwards.

Planning my wedding at the moment and my narc mum has made my dad change hotels three times. All for a wedding that she has now decided she's not coming to, but is annoyed that I'm not begging her to go.
She ruins any social occasion, even a visit to her house!

My wedding planner sacked me before my wedding because my mum pissed her off so much.

Looking back I can see more clearly that my MIL is a narc. My mum died suddenly when I was first married. She baby sat at my house whilst I was at church the night before the funeral. Flowers arrived whilst I was out and apparently on answering the door she thought they were for her as we are both Mrs Fecker. Diva idiot. Who on earth could make such a glaring mistake. Shudder.

Today I found out my DM has a whatsapp group chat with my brother and sister titled “favourite children.” Absolutely hilarious

There’s more but I’m not in a headspace to dwell on it while she’s currently in my house

What really, really worries me, and I was wondering whether others might have similar worries, is that I clearly share some personality traits with her.

What if I’m a narc too? I thought the whole point was that narcs don’t know they’re narcs and are always hard done by. I feel massively hard done by by my parents and adolescence. I’ve read that narcissistic tendencies are genetic and it terrifies me to think of my dc feeling how I’ve felt and it being my fault.

@Ofitck ......ask your children. Just don't through a tantrum and gaslight then when they tell you the truth