Tell me your narc dm's most outrageous stunts.

[oooz]

I'm in therapy decades after an abusive upbringing and the penny's only just dropped that my dm was a narc! Watching videos on narcissism I'm going 'Yes, yes, yes!' - it's all my experience. Playing the guilt card. Taking your successes for their own. Gaslighting. The control. It's SO refreshing finally learning my own truth. Now I've found this I want to learn as much as possible. Please share your experiences.

Is it through jealousy they are like this?

In my case it is, her mum (my Nana) always compared my mum to her cousins/other women and even a small a child my DGM used to relish telling me and all my female cousins how much she loved boys more than girls (especially grating when she used to say this when I used to go visit her/take her shopping/clean her house while thinking non of her precious grandsons ever do anything for her). My Dad noticed this recently and told me so I know I’m not imagining it, it’s like she sees other women as The Competiton.

I don’t know if it’s FOG but I get confused and find it hard to know where I stand with her as half the time she can be kind, generous and thoughtful but then can be emotionally manipulative, will lie to me to get what she wants, disrespects my parenting methods and controlling.

Her current ‘thing’ I’m dodging is cowardly not answering the phone to her as she’s on holiday and I know she will want to talk to my DC and has form for making them cry by emotionally manipulating them by asking them how much they miss her and will keep banging on about it until they cry. She recently recounted a phone call with my niece and nephew and proudly told me that they cried on the phone to her - it’s like she gets a kick out of making them cry as some sort of weird, needy proof that she’s loved/missed/important. I told her off and she denied doing it and got huffy with me despite seeing her do it with my own DC. It’s fucked up and I’m sure it’s due to low confidence due to her upbringing.

My mother is jealous of any female (and probably some males) who for whatever reason get more attention than her or if they have something she doesn’t...youth, a man, money, looks. She says really vile things about EVERYONE around her. Good friends, family, me, especially me. No one escapes her poison.

I grew up mistrusting, picking fault or comparing me with every new person I met because that was what my mother did. That’s what I did. Now I treat new people as friends/equals until if and when they prove me otherwise.

My mother’s treatment of retail staff is disgusting. I’m not on her fb but her rants about service and complaints about staff member who have usually just committed the crime of not treating her as if she were the queen.

Another thing she does is not pay workmen. She’ll agree to prices for say painting and decorating or plumbing then when it’s all done she’ll find some minuscule reason not to pay up. She’ll not answer her door or wait until they go away or take her to small claims. She’s loaded, it’s not the £.

One decorator broke into her house and tore down the wallpaper he’d put up. We assume it was him she didn’t go to the police and nothing else was done or taken. High five that man.

Oh I’ve been NC for many years now and it is great. She only brought trouble to my door.

Mine can’t accept anything which might paint her in a poor light, and simply rewrites history as it suits her. This extends to my siblings - one was (quite rightfully) sacked after loads of warnings, but she blamed the boss. Anyone who criticises the golden child is automatically lying/jealous. Another sibling completely fucked up their exams, and she simply typed up a new cv with the preferred results on. No one had checked. This was years ago, and she was astounded when I pointed out how unfair this was on people who actually HAD done the work and passed the courses. It simply hadn’t occurred to her to see it in those terms. She just didn’t want to have a “failure” as a child and simply said that my sibling wasn’t as “lucky” as the people who passed. Like luck has anything to do with it!!!

Mine rewrites history. She tells so many lies. If I ever pulled her up for things she’d said or done she’d tell me and anyone around that I was lying and that I needed help. She’s even gone as far as telling people I’m bipolar. I’m not and have never had any mental illness.

There is so much pain held by so many on this thread. I am so terribly sorry for all of you that suffered because of the filth thrown in our direction. We were innocent, it’s such a scandal how we were treated. Many did not survive. Others turned to alcohol, drugs, through no fault of theirs.
Just because someone gives birth does not automatically make them a good parent.
My narc mother has had many terminal illnesses. When 10 weeks into my first trimester, she told me about a serious illness she had and would not be here to see my baby grow up.
The cow was lying.
She used to hit me, smack my head off walls and call me a whore. If I didn’t repeat the name calling, she hit me again.
Her breath stank. She had black and yellow teeth. The police were involved and this was the late 70’s, which was unusual.
I will never forget, being 6 years old and I saw a man across the road.
She said...”see that man across the road? He’s a policeman. He says I batter you darling”.
I had to mend my own clothes. Holes in my shoes which the water came through. I was bullied at school and got no support, Dad was never there, he took her side because she would scream at him otherwise.
When I was with relatives, I tried to tell them about the beatings. My dad screamed down the phone and said he had disowned me and I had burnt bridges.
I was isolated, my brother would be taken to visit relatives but I was left at home. My mum actually grounded me for 6 months ....yes....6 months for walking with a mieghbour to the paper shop (neighbour was female, 3 years older than me) I hadn’t done anything wrong except walk with her.
I have been diagnosed with cPTSD, and am having EMDR therapy, albeit privately, as the NHS cannot provide this therapy. I was always being diagnosed with depression.
Life is utter crap. I hate people so so much. Yet I have two beautiful teenage boys, never give me any problems and a solid partner who I have been with over 20 years.
The pain is always there.
I have not had contact with my parents for over 10 years. I have peace from their lies. Why does this happen?

oprahfan that sounds awful. I’m glad that you’ve managed to distance yourself from them and have your own supportive family now.

@toomuchtooold thanks for that. I'm looking up HPD and had a quick read about the grey rock technique. I was nervous to post because her behaviour is so benign in comparison to a lot of what is written here.

I have thought about counselling and will return to those plans before the end of the year - in the middle of big life events and need the dust to settle a little. Thanks again x

DM was an awful parent. Too many incidents to list but suffice to say I left home as I could to escape. It always bothered me that she never acknowledged her behaviour and the fact she didn't give a shit about any of her children.

She has early onset dementia now. I took the DC to see her and my dad the other day (she has only seen them 4 times, even before she fell ill she was simply not interested). Her conversation was confused and rambling but at one point she looked at the DC playing and said "You've done a wonderful job with them Eastie. God knows you didn't learn that from me, I was a terrible mum wasn't I?"

I cried for ages when I got home.

Does anyone else find it difficult that they look like their mother, and have similar mannerisms etc? I hate myself for it.

Yes.

I've worked so, so, so, so hard not to actually -act- like my bio. mother.

Oh Eastie - that must have been quite cathartic but heartbreaking at the same time - her being able to recognise that. :(

My mum was another history-rewriter - I have a very good memory, and I would remember situations and talk to her about them later and she had totally re-written it so she came out of it looking better. It was astounding to me - I didn't know people did that! I never thought I was going mad or wrong, because I knew I wasn't, I just couldn't deal with her being unable to remember it correctly!

YY to rewriting history. DH actually notices more than me, as my memory is poor and I don't notice inconsistencies.

I'm feeling really down at the moment. DSis said a few things yesterday. I'm so sad I wasn't nurtured as a child. It was all about her. Not the awful abuse some on here experienced, just never being allowed to be myself. Always forced into what she wanted me to be. Narcissistic rage when I stood up to her, or even just made a mistake.

My mum also rewrites history and the sad thing is I think she actually believes it herself.

I remember when we were still in touch I mentioned about having an unhappy childhood and alluded to some of the violence and general nastiness towards me and she seemed genuinely suprised. Said I was misrembering stuff from a long time ago and there may have been the odd occasion but nothing like what I was saying. She’s either an amazing actress or believes what she said to be true and I think the latter. Because I wasn’t shouting at her/being nasty to her about it....it was a calm conversation where I was of the mindset of letting bygones be bygones.

She also convinced herself of reasons for things happening which aren’t true. In letters to me she says the only reason I have gone NC is because I’m too selfish to spare the time to go and see her at weekends and making up my excuses for going NC have given me the excuse I’ve always wanted to not have to bother with an old lady anymore. I’m sure she believes this as. Well.

It seems common that due to the lack of empathy and the inability to recognize or understand other people's emotions narcissists just don't seem to store memories in the same way. They were oblivious to everyone else during an incident so they remember it completely differently. I wonder also because they can't talk over something, self-reflect or acknowledge their own responsibility their memories are delusional and inaccurate.

NicoAndTheNiners

It’s sad there isn’t a lot of truth coming from our parents!
As for being too selfish........and not wanting to spend time with an old lady.....pulling on emotional strings. It’s utter crap. Going NC was the start of sanity and some sort of peace. It’s rotten, isn’t it? Misremembering??? Not a chance.

Mine rewrites/misremembers stuff too. I don't know if it's calculated or if she genuinely believes her own rewritings. Either way, it screws with my head, so as far as its effects on me are concerned, it doesn't matter which it is.

There have been a couple of 'take your breath away' whoppers, but mainly it's subtle, low-level stuff to misdirect - which has actually been more damaging in its way, because for many years it has skewed how I've seen our family unit (in her favour) and it's only in the last few years that things have unravelled and I've started to see the whole mess more clearly.

I’m glad I have my brother to check stuff against at times otherwise I think I’d have questioned my own sanity! I guess it’s gaslighting.

oprahfan. Yes, going NC was my best ever decision and lifted a weight off my shoulders. I’m in a much better place now.

Movablefeast

What you’re saying makes perfect sense. Self reflection just doesn’t happen, and this what makes Narc people so scary and difficult to deal with, but the damage and suffering caused us all too real. It’s demoralising and frustrating when narcs can’t and won’t take any responsibility for their actions and behaviours. Going NC is a sane and sensible option!

The narc in our family is my aunt. I have to tolerate her, as without her the DC wouldn't have logo'd items of uniform, or go on residential trips, or have clothes to wear on said trips.

she says the only reason I have gone NC is because I’m too selfish to spare the time to go and see her at weekends

I notice how often people like this want to take some sort of moral high ground. People can't just be people, they have to be Good or Bad

My NMIL I’ve cut her off because apparently “I think I’m better than her”. She has used this excuse for everyone she has narc’d on and who’s walked away. You would think by now she would have realised that she’s the common denominator 🙄

The one common denominator is that narcs leave a long trail and history of broken, difficult, unhappy and tortuous personal relationships in their wake.

Well they’ve been and gone. DP seems to think everything’s better, I think she confirmed all my suspicions that she’s a raving narc

Movablefeast This is true. All four of MIL’s adult children have had ILs that “think they are better than her” and are “insert various nasty descriptions here”. With seven marriages between them that’s a lot of bad luck with ILs! She has 6 siblings, she speaks to one only. The rest are “insert various nasty descriptions here” and are thus horrible to her. More bad luck!

Yes my Narc DM was NC with her own mother, her only sister, and me, her only daughter. Also a long trail of discarded "friends" who became useless once they woke up to what a manipulative bitch she is, or simply confronted or challenged her.

She enjoys it though. It's not accidental or unconscious. She loves interfering in peoples lives, bringing them down, plotting and scheming and undermining people. Shattering someone's self esteem is a job well done to her.

She was expelled from school aged 15 for being a shit stirrer - not even joking.

I am NC and it's fabulous. I have turned my life around, but I will genuinely feel relieved when she dies. Like I am not looking over my shoulder all the time.