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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh fuck. I think I’ve just found an affair phone

999 replies

FuckyDuzz · 03/08/2018 15:57

Well it’s not really an ‘I think’ really, I just have

There was an unfamiliar beeping coming from the coat/shoe cupboard so I went in to investigate and found a phone in DPs coat, a cheap little Nokia with just one contact - a woman’s name

I am home alone with 4 kids trying not to cry but honestly I could throw up right now
Wtf

OP posts:
xJune88 · 03/08/2018 17:36

So sorry OP. Time to get your ducks in a row. Make sure you and children will be ok. Once all financial stuff is sorted leave the tw*t!!! Xx

MrsMozart · 03/08/2018 17:37

I see your financially sound, though the debts are unfortunate, so either take this evening to decide what you want; or, if this is the line crossed have his bags packed and otside, with the door bolted, when he gets back from his 'evening out with his mate'.

catgirl1976 · 03/08/2018 17:38

Most likely if you confront him he will deny it and convince you (or try to) that there's a perfectly reasonable explanation. It's his mates phone or something.

Build your evidence until you are certain and then throw him out. Going to the address tonight to see if his car is there is a good idea.

Sorry you are going through this.

TwinkulTwinkle · 03/08/2018 17:39

I have only got to the end of page 6 on this thread - but I've read that you, OP - said your husband is normally home by 6pm - so wanted to be quick: If, having just found out about this - you want to take some time out to consider your next move - then I think you have to put the phone back where you found it (after having taken pictures of the messages on your phone & made a note of the address). You have to act like nothing is out of the ordinary this evening - because you are not ready to let him know that you know what's going on. See it as your OSCAR performance - because it's gonna be a hard role to take on. (The good Lord alone knows how long he's been putting on an act in front of you.)
You have the advantage of knowing now - as others have said and IME, the chances are if you confront him before you are properly ready - he will just deny it and go even more undercover. You need to decide what you want to do, and how you're going to go about doing it - put these in place first and then deal with him. Flowers

Cupcakes12 · 03/08/2018 17:40

Am really sorry this has happened to you
But I guess it's a good thing you know
Please do what's best for you Smile

juliej00ls · 03/08/2018 17:40

I wouldn’t bother with the phone or trying to catch him out. This isn’t a court in-fact the onus is on him to prove his innocence. In fact take a completely adult role. He’s caused enough heart ache don’t give let him up more head space then this clearly will. Partners don’t keep phones in shoes boxes... unless he’s Breaking Bad or a second rate bat man ( too soon for joke) . It’s a shock so process the information and see a solicitor. Then sit him down and say talk me through the phone in the cupboard. I’d say nothing just listen. He can deny it but you’ve seen it. If it is innocent then he will be able to explain immediately. However as an immediate block/protect all things finical and child related. (if I was feeling vindictive I would say that the thing that has irked me most is you are so fucking inept you couldn’t even manage to look after one phone)

TwinkulTwinkle · 03/08/2018 17:40

Oh and if you haven't got one on already - put a lock on your phone.

speakout · 03/08/2018 17:40

So sorry OP.

Be strong.

KateMcD451 · 03/08/2018 17:40

This is genius

*Change the number in the phone to your number. Leave the rest of the details as they are.

Wait for him to text/ring you...*

sunglasses123 · 03/08/2018 17:40

There are some good suggestions under these horrible circumstances from others. You must be feeling awful. What a stupid stupid man although various celebrities have been caught like this with two phones and then getting them mixed up.

I am wavering between changing the number to yours or calling the number using 141. What would calling the number do? Someone is likely to answer just 'hello'.....

If you change the number to yours you are going to have to move very quickly as the game will be up for him probably tonight and he will realise he has been caught.

Lets assume he is seeing another women. I guess the question is how serious is it. If its a sex worker then are you able to forgive this? He is paying her for sex which is a different matter to OW

ChaosTrulyReigns · 03/08/2018 17:40

Again, forget all the game playing. Get all information you need safely recorded and bide your time for when is best for you. You are in control.

So sorry you are going through this. Hope that you've got someone you can talk to - your mom sounds like she'd be supportive.

Perhaps it's worth emailing yourself the photos you take of evidence so that they're retrievable of anything happens to the device you took them on?

Thanks
Cardiganandcuppa · 03/08/2018 17:41

I’d take photos and make notes of her number , address and messages. Then I’d put the phone back for tonight.

Spend tonight cutting off his access to the bank account and packing his bags. Change the locks if it’s your house.

Makeupaddikt · 03/08/2018 17:41

I would personally be texting him from your own phone not to come home, and then text her from his affair phone telling him he’s no prize and she’s welcome to him.

I would avoid playing any games, it seems as if you have the majority of the financial stuff sorted and in your name.

Tell him to get to fuck and leave his stuff on the doorstep, or if you can get someone to watch the kids, take his stuff round to the address.

Your strong, you don’t need him.

Nanasueathome · 03/08/2018 17:41

Make sure the phone is switched off
If he rings it....or she does...

Original poster
FuckyDuzz · 03/08/2018 17:41

Thankyou for all the support
I still have no idea what to do
I’m hoping when I see him I’ll know what to do, if he tries to hug and kiss me when he gets in I just won’t be able to reciprocate so I may not have a lot of option about whether to deal with it or not ...

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckyDuzz · 03/08/2018 17:41

Oh fuck he’s just got in

OP posts:
k567 · 03/08/2018 17:42

Stay strong Fuzzy

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 03/08/2018 17:42

I would do nothing until you’ve slept on it. You’re in shock. You need time to process it and decide what you want. Put the phone back (after you’ve recorded her number) and do nothing tonight.

Makeupaddikt · 03/08/2018 17:42

Oh and before you tell him make sure he doesn’t have access to your money and bank account infact sort that out now x

Tropicana123 · 03/08/2018 17:43

Oh my goodness op ! What a fucker AngryAngry keep us posted

ChaosTrulyReigns · 03/08/2018 17:43

Dint worry about this thread for a while. This is your life now.

We'll still be here when you're able to come back.

Thanks
MarklesMerkin · 03/08/2018 17:43

I wouldn’t bother with the phone or trying to catch him out. This isn’t a court in-fact the onus is on him to prove his innocence. In fact take a completely adult role.

Completely agree with this. I've been in a similar situation and you drive yourself absolutely crazy in the end searching for 'evidence' and trying to prove what you already know.

InDubiousBattle · 03/08/2018 17:44

Did you replace the phone op? He might have realised he's lost it and gone straight to the cupboard to check.

MrsGB2225 · 03/08/2018 17:44

Good luck. You have all our support

wizzywig · 03/08/2018 17:44

Charge his phone up for him and tell him you charged up the phone because the battery was low. And watch his face.