Oh fuck. I think I’ve just found an affair phone

[FuckyDuzz]

Well it’s not really an ‘I think’ really, I just have

There was an unfamiliar beeping coming from the coat/shoe cupboard so I went in to investigate and found a phone in DPs coat, a cheap little Nokia with just one contact - a woman’s name

I am home alone with 4 kids trying not to cry but honestly I could throw up right now
Wtf

Do what everyone else has said, take screenshots of the phone messages, the number. then switch it offhand hide it. if you have a chest of drawers, pull the bottom one out and put it behind there, he will never look there.

Then take your time to think about how you want to go about this. If you see him searching everywhere then you can take your queue from there.

So sorry OP. What a shitty man.

I'd send a text - remind me, what's the plan for meeting again?

Thinking of you

Hide the phone. Check.it later for calls.

Have an answer ready eg if he asks if you have been inthe cupboard
Practice saying something like " why would.i look at coats in this heat?

Let him.squirm.

Haven't got to the end of the thread yet, but see that he is "out" tonight - text the woman from his secret phone and cancel.

Actually I’ve just had a genius idea. Hide phone. Pop out to a Tesco, buy the cheapest phone possible, hide it where you originally found the hidden phone. It’ll totally fuck with his head.
(I’m not serious but I have a very dark sense of humour and thought it might raise a brief smile!)

I’m so sorry OP

Please get yourself and STD test ASAP.

Have you googled the address?

Save the number and address

Don’t change anything on the phone, it’ll be too obvious

Don’t mention any thing to him

Emphasis on not letting on that you know - don’t give him a chance to hide anything!

Not sure if you should hide the phone or not... maybe better to leave it there then check it again after he’s next been out

I don’t think the playing games will do anything to help you out. You know what this phone is. You don’t needs to play private eye or the like. You need to decide two things - whether this is a deal breaker for you or whether you have any interest in seeing if you can come back from it as a couple and whether you need time to get your ducks in a row and make sure you aren’t in too vulnerable a position before you make your move.

If you are sure (or, at least, as sure as you’re going to be) about those and you don’t need time, just put the phone on the table and when he comes in tell him he needs to cancel his plans for the night because you need to talk once the children are in asleep (if you can find someone to take the children overnight, all the better). If you need time, put the phone back, pretend you know nothing and get on with doing whatever you need to to improve your situation. Then, when you’re ready, arrange for someone to look after your kids and tell him you found his other phone x weeks/months/whatever ago and you need to talk.

Lay out what you want - divorce, marriage counselling, a trial separation, etc. Just make sure, whatever your first choice is, that you are prepared for divorce if he doesn’t want to engage in anything else (or if he tries to play you).

Realistically I think you’re probably better off waiting and getting advice from a lawyer and ensuring you have all the documents you might need so you know where you stand financially on divorce and can negotiate with a good understanding of your position.

I'm so sorry.
An you call someone in rl?

I'd put the phone back as if it hasn't been found and tell him you've had a phone call from a woman saying he's having an affair.
Then keep tabs on the phone to see what they hatch up together.

Are all of the 4 kids joint OP?

Seriously need to find everything financially and take phone pictures.

I don't see why you should have to sink to his level and sneak around. I would just text him and say ' I know your dirty little secret.' What he does next will be very telling.

Oh OP, you poor thing. I don't have any answers, but I'm thinking of you right now and can only imagine how you're feeling.

We're all different but I know I couldn't have him going out tonight knowing he's potentially off to see someone else. I'd be tempted to put the phone somewhere in clear sight, such as the kitchen worktop, so he spots it as he gets in, and then say that you want him to explain what's going on once the kids are in bed. Let him handle bedtime and then see what excuses he comes up with.

Tell him you've been sick and need to go to bed he's going to have to stay home with the kids - see what kicks off - or get a friend of yours to follow him maybe?
So sorry it doesn't sound good!

No I think the OP has the right plan, keep hold of it and hide it. Watch him try and find it... and keep checking the messages.

Just thinking OP, turn it off otherwise it might start beeping again.

Change the number in the phone to your number. Leave the rest of the details as they are.

^ PP's suggestion. I would do this too.

Does he sign off the messages with his name at all? If not he might just claim to have found the phone and be meaning to hand it in to the police.

Have you told anyone in real life? If you aren’t normally good at confrontation, it could help to have someone with you that can help you get your point across. He’s probably going to first turn on you and make you out to be crazy.

I’m so sorry. . What a shit.

I agree that it's no time to play games.
You know he's cheating.
You do need to decide what to do, or what chances (if any) to give him.
As such, I'd text him to stay out, preferably for the weekend, even the week, so that you can have a good think about how to address this. Tell him the truth if he asks.

Having said that, be careful with joint accounts and the like. Make sure he won't be able to clean any joint accounts. And gather financial evidence if you can before he has a chance to think about protecting himself in a divorce.

If the OP changes the number to hers then all the messages already on the phone will show as from a different number.

Hide the phone.

Try to act normal and say you're making a doctor's appointment for Monday because you've got a terrible discharge and you think you've got an infection.

both of these

I am so so sorry @FuckyDuzz ...I don't know what else to say, this must be heart wrenching for you...good luck for whatever you decide to do next. I would recommend finding as much evidence as you can...men have a terrible habit of lying too convincingly to the point where you think you are the crazy one...

So sorry OP. That must hurt. Get everything sorted before you tell him anything.