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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh fuck. I think I’ve just found an affair phone

999 replies

FuckyDuzz · 03/08/2018 15:57

Well it’s not really an ‘I think’ really, I just have

There was an unfamiliar beeping coming from the coat/shoe cupboard so I went in to investigate and found a phone in DPs coat, a cheap little Nokia with just one contact - a woman’s name

I am home alone with 4 kids trying not to cry but honestly I could throw up right now
Wtf

OP posts:
jpclarke · 05/08/2018 11:21

Omg I was not expecting that update. You poor thing. I am glad you are going to your mum's today and getting some support. You can get through this xx

Justgettothepoint · 05/08/2018 11:24

OP sorry to hear this. I wouldn't tell the police-you need to keep yr family safe and the repercussions from drug dealers could be tragic. I would tell yr mum as yr not the guilty one. He's been unfaithfull and you need to focus on practical matters once you get over the shock. Wishing you all the best. Stay strong.

Monzeitia · 05/08/2018 11:24

I do believe that he has been using escorts for sometime; and he is using a regular one; the one on the phone; the story is just a cover up; he will be in such big trouble by now if he was giving the drugs away for blowjobs; I’m sorry this situation is terrible for you and I just cannot understand why men act like this; when you have a lovely family back home

flumpybear · 05/08/2018 11:28

Wow!
If that's true, he's essentially put the following ahead of his children, wide and marriage

Drugs
A friend who is a dealer
A card carrying STI risk stripper
Prostitution for payment
Crime

He's a dick and now a criminal dick who could lose literally everything including his freedom

Mishappening · 05/08/2018 11:28

Oh OP - do not analyse all this too deeply. Whatever the detail of what happened/did not happen , he is not a fit man to parent your children or to be your life's partner. Get some legal advice and set in train a new life for you and the children.

You and the children deserve better.

It is a big step for you, but the right one;I wish you all good luck for the future, which is where you need to set your sights.

bethy15 · 05/08/2018 11:28

I would tell the police, I think you need protection here. From the other dealers, from possible interference should social services get involved.

I do feel like you and your DC are in a very vulnerable position ATM, especially as you're just sitting alone with the information he's given you.

I don't know if Women's Aid is apt in this (someone else might) but is there not some organisation who could help and advise the OP on what to do here and help keep her safe.

This is such a distressing update, I can't get it out of my head. God knows how you must be feeling OP.

MMmomDD · 05/08/2018 11:29

OP - the story is laughable....
A stripper takes such a shine to your H that all she needs and wants is to be giving him bjs....
What exactly does SHE get out of that sort of encounter?

MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood · 05/08/2018 11:30

Oh OP I'm so sorry

The feeling that you've been deceived and never really knew him must be dreadful and overwhelming.

His words about the girl who was giving him the blow jobs nauseating, literally an object

I'm glad you have your Mum today and she can help with the What Next? Of it all

ThanksGinCake

twilightsaga · 05/08/2018 11:32

He's blatantly been gone and concocted this story with his friend. Why didn't he say this as soon as you found it. He's had time to come up with a tall tale. I wouldn't care that they hadn't had full sex, blow jobs is still cheating and an affair of some sort. What an arse hole

twilightsaga · 05/08/2018 11:33

Call his bluff say you're taking the phone to the police and they will be able to claw back all deleted messages. Then watch as he changes his story again and again!!

Mishappening · 05/08/2018 11:36

Don't"call his bluff" or play games with him. Just go and start your new life. He is simply not worth the effort.

bobstersmum · 05/08/2018 11:40

Fifth in line poor him, the weasly twat. Hope you're OK op.

bobstersmum · 05/08/2018 11:41

MMmom, free drugs I assume

KurriKurri · 05/08/2018 11:41

So dickhead friend needs to sell durgs to pay off someone. he asks your H for help. Your H decides best way to help is to swap the drugs for blowjobs. (and presumably a few magic beans) - what a load of old bollocks.

Well done for cutting him off when he tried the victim approach. 'You pay more attention to our young children than me, so I had to go and get blowjobs from a stripper boo hoo' - classic minimising and turning themselves into a victim - I've been there, they all say the same crap.
Spend time with your Mum, take as much time as you need to decide what you want to do - he's known about all this for ages - it's very new for you - so you are entitled to time to sort out your wants and needs and those of your children.

I'd turn off your phone so he can't bother you while you are away and get your Mum to field any attempts he might make to contact you via landline etc.

bobstersmum · 05/08/2018 11:42

I would go to the police too. He's dealing drugs!

CommuterBlue · 05/08/2018 11:44

When I said "nobody has a normal phone with only one number on it" I forgot about the pimps, international arms traders, terrorists & drug dealers. That story is so bizarre it must be true, otherwise he'd just say, "fair cop, I've been having an affair, sorry, I'll end it".
LTB

sheldonesque · 05/08/2018 11:44

I couldn't get over the fact that he thought so little of me to think I would believe this mince.

What next? I tripped over and my penis fell in her mouth?

You deserve much better.

Echobelly · 05/08/2018 11:45

Well done for standing your ground against his 'Boo hoo, I'm bottom of the pile' crap, OP. If you're going to father 4 kids, you take responsibility for them and you don't go feeling you've been 'forced' to have sexual contact with another woman!

Flickerfromview · 05/08/2018 11:45

With a very close family member who died due to drugs, I am amazed that so many people advise not going to the police.
Drug dealer - absolute low life who brings misery to others, playing off the vulnerable for their own selfish gains. We get no respite or protection from the devastation caused - ever.

OP I feel so upset for you. Your OH is the lowest of the low and doesn't deserve you to protect him in any way.

Where has the money gone from his drug 'earnings?' Are you sure it isn't the other way around, that his drug dealing was a way to finance sex without taking money from the family budget? Is he a drug addict himself and needs to deal to feed his own use?
I think I wish he had confessed to a straightforward affair!

You need professional advice and support, for you and your children. You may need protection yourself.

Theresnodisneyending · 05/08/2018 11:50

Men can be SO FUCKING SELFISH. I read an article in the guardian from men who'd had affair/were having affiars and why. They said all pretty much to a T "Because I'm last in line for attention at home". It's like, for fucks sake what are you, some kind of toddler? Immature pathetic little childish twats.

JeSuisPrest · 05/08/2018 11:53

Don't "call his bluff" or play games with him. Just go and start your new life. He is simply not worth the effort.

Wise words from Mishappening.
Having been through this myself, it is physically and mentally exhausting to go through the "game playing" and "one upmanship".

You will never trust him again (I tried for 3 years after his first affair - he was so so contrite and remorseful and I wanted our family to stay together), but all I did was show him that he could do anything he wanted without consequences.

He had another affair and that was when the scales fell away. Don't waste time trying to change him/yourself/mend your marriage.

I found letting friends and family know the hardest part. I felt like once it was out there there'd be no going back. Everyone would think badly of him and my misplaced loyalty meant I felt that I had to protect him. Let them have their say - they'll tell him what an idiot he's been, but he knows that already - let him feel the guilt - that is his cross to carry. The shame and dirty secret are his, not yours.

I posted on here after STBXH's first affair - cries of LTB filled the page - I didn't. I wish had listened to those who had trodden that well worn path before me. I'd be 3 years ahead of where I am now with a bit more dignity and self esteem.

BewareOfDragons · 05/08/2018 11:54

A lying, cheating, drug-dealing, using desperate women in need of illegal drugs to get blowjobs ... wow ... just wow. And that's more than likely his 'minimising' story.

And then the audacity to try to blame you. Wow.

I'm glad you showed him the door. You need to keep him on the other side of it permanently.

If you have ANY worries about people coming looking for money for drugs that your DH owes, I agree with others that you have to protect yourself and your children first and go to police.

You don't want him having unsupervised contact either. Get legal advice as soon as possible.

See if you can get a custody order and let your children's schools know that he is not to collect them.

Tell your Mum what's going on so you have support ending the relationship as rapidly as possible and help sorting out all the details.

I'm so sorry, OP. But don't wait to get legal advice. You need it.

chunn65 · 05/08/2018 11:58

Like others, so sorry OP. You and yours babies are more important than the little weasel!!🌼

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/08/2018 11:59

God what a shit!!

I've heard a couple of blokes in real life recently coming out with shit like 'I felt 4th/5th whatever in line', 'I'm not high up in the pecking order'. WTF!

You don't go off and shag around … how about "we need to spend more time together love, without the kids, let's see how we can do this etc"

Whisky2014 · 05/08/2018 12:01

The op hasnt said he took blow jobs as payment has she? It was just that the stripper fancied him so he has been seeing her on the side of all the drug dealing stuff (so it is an affair).
Anyway, it doesnt matter. He chose to do this and risk it all. He doesnt love the op, you dont do this to people you love.